(Almost) All Signs Point Towards Go!

I met with our caseworker today and it turned into a mini-counseling session as well. She told me point blank: Just do it. It really isn't fair to be on the domestic path if my heart isn't into it. This really is the best time to do it for a lot of reasons. Financially, it appears God will provide the funds. Timing, this year really is kind of a "holding" year in that we don't really want a child this year, but would love to be pregnant. Physically, I ain't gettin' any younger, so mind as well try now. And legally, it looks like with embryo adoption and getting the tax credit, the sooner you can do it, the better. Plus, there will be no lingering regrets or doubts in my head if we at least attempt it.

I plan to send the payment for our final Bethany application tomorrow, and our caseworker said she will switch us over to the embryo adoption path (yikes!). Then we wait for our homestudy packet to be sent to us. It apparently is much more simple this time around. Then our caseworker thinks we should be able to have a homestudy visit mid-February.

Pending a final talk with the hubby tonight, I think I'll also submit our application to the Tennessee donation center to get the paperwork started there. Hopefully if we get into their system now we can avoid some additional fees that they plan to implement.

I feel the roller coaster coming!

BUT the COOLEST thing that happened today is that Brae said "agua" and pointed to his sippy cup!

Accountant is on board!

We had our tax appointment today and our accountant is on board with trying to claim the adoption tax credit if we do embryo adoption. We acknowledge it is a unique interpretation of the credit, but we do know it has been advanced before with success. And, worse that could happen is that the IRS says no and we'd have to give any money received back. Our accountant would like to see the "transaction" "completed" by year's end to make for a clean return. That would mean that the embryo adoption would have to work, and we'd have to give birth by December 31. That is likely NOT going to happen, but it is more incentive to truck along.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with our case worker. Hopefully, we won't hear anything new from her tomorrow, but just confirm what we've already learned through our research. Then, we will likely pay for our final application (which is necessary anyway if we did domestic adoption), and then set up our homestudy! (also necessary for the domestic adoption).

On a side note, I'm feeling not AS excited about doing embryo adoption as I was even a week ago. I blame it on hormones. But I also think I'm just enjoying Brae so much and his entry into toddler years, and that we've started planning/decorating for his "big boy" room. Although the thought of being pregnant overjoys me, the return to those infant days does not. But then I look at Brae and I so BADLY want to give him a sibling, and one that is close in age, so that urges me on. The door to embryo adoption has not been closed, in fact, doors are opening, but I'm just left wondering why we are on this path to begin with.

I know God blesses each person differently, and we are so blessed by Brae. So there is no reason to think God will not similarly bless us with another child, however that child comes.

New post after the meeting tomorrow!

Leaning Toward...

It is so hard to know when God is leading you down one path, or whether your heart is, or whether they are one in the same.

In doing more research, and in examining my own heart, I am being more drawn to pursue embryo adoption than domestic adoption at this point. We have been blessed to come into contact with now two women who have traveled this path successfully, and their stories have greatly educated and informed us. Basically, there are 3 main agencies that do embryo adoption. There is the National Embryo Donation Center in Tennessee, Bethany (our adoption agency), and Snowflakes. NEDC is the least expensive of all of these. In fact, (although more research needs to be done), it appears that we could likely fund the entire embryo adoption with what we expect will be our tax refund from 2009. If that's the case, then we could use this "funny money" to see if embryo adoption works for us. If it doesn't, then we will actually be a little better off pursuing domestic adoption afterwards than we are now. That is because in doing the embryo adoption process, even if it fails, we would have already completed our homestudy that could be used toward the domestic adoption. And, even if embryo adoption fails and we pursue domestic adoption afterwards, we will have had the benefit of additional time. Additional time to keep paying down our current adoption loan, for me to accrue more sick time for maternity leave, etc. So, even if embryo adoption fails, it sort of seems "no harm, no foul."

Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that.

If we pursue embryo adoption in this way, we will likely not also simultaenously pursue domestic adoption. This is because to be on both lists actually requires the higher payment of domestic adoption, even if we end up doing embryo adoption. So, it doesn't really make sense if what we really want to do is embryo adoption.

I say "we," and of course I mostly mean "me," as it is my desire to be pregnant that is driving a lot of this. Praise God I have an amazing and supportive husband who just wants me to be happy. I know the thought of pursuing embryo adoption is hard for him because there are no guarantees. And I could end up flat on my face, a la two years ago when we experienced our other pregnancy failures. And he's the one that has to lift me up from that devastation. So, he is more reserved than I am. My personality is "go, go, go"; don't give up; just keep on perservering. I have to believe God made me that way, although I frequently find myself fighting against it.

And then I get back to "why?!" are we even in this position? Why does it have to be so hard for us to grow our family? I know all of the Sunday school answers, but sometimes, they provide little comfort. Do I have release from God to actually pursue embryo adoption? I thought I did when we did our other fertility treatment, and they failed. So was I wrong? Did I really not follow God's leading or prompting? Was I trying to pursue my own selfish agenda? Were they good ideas, but just not God-ideas? I don't know.

We've been asking ourselves, "when is enough enough?" I think just about every couple fighting a battle like this has to ask themselves that. For me, enough is enough when our family is complete. That's the party line. But to dig down even further, I think enough is enough for me if we pursue embryo adoption and it fails. At that point, we will literally have pursued (almost) every medical procedure available, and still be left with the fact we got pregnant on our own, and then miscarried. Those medical procedures we will have not tried we have already made the decision they are not right for us.

So, in summary, we have an appointment on Jan. 26 with our accountant where we can further explore how the adoption tax credit could apply. Even if it didn't cover all the costs (which it likely won't), this avenue is still much less expensive than any other avenue, especially if our tax refund covers most of it. We also have an appointment with our caseworker for the following week, who would do our homestudy update (which is required whether we did embryo adoption or domestic). Then we have an appointment the second week of February with my Ob/gyn to confirm I have no contraindications to pregnancy. And, at this point, I have an appointment with a fertility doctor for the following week who would do the transfer. That appointment will likely get cancelled. Because (and I failed to mention this earlier), if we go through NEDC, we have to fly to Tennessee twice to have the transfer done. (Never been to Tennessee! Up for an adventure!). So there is no need for a fertility doctor here. (And an added coolness is that the NEDC doctor is a Christian!).

After the OB/gyn appointment, Tygh and I will need to make a definite decision as a team. Because whatever we decide, it has to be as a team, and not me dragging him in one direction.

Then, if we decide to pursue only embryo adoption, there are a host of other dilemmas. Do we do an anonymous donation? When would we do the transfer? How many embryos do you transfer?

Or, in the end, we may decide to forego embryo adoption and just pursue domestic. That's not my heart's desire, however, at this point. I'd rather first try embryo adoption, and then do domestic adoption if it failed. Like I said, it feels like a perfect time because we'd have some "funny money" to play with, and the benefit of time. We are not actually ready to have a baby join our home this year, but we'd love to be pregnant this year.

Or, in the end, we may have a failed embryo adoption, and end up pursuing domestic adoption anyway.

I just don't know. It's actually a very helpless and uncomfortable feeling to just say, 'I just don't know.'

"I'm living by faith, and not by sight." -- 2 Corinthians 5:7