White Christmas.

We rarely get a white Christmas in Portland, Oregon.

This year was no exception .

So, the following day, we took our tribe up to  meet our extended tribe at a cabin in the mountains.  Although no snow greeted us upon arrival, we awoke the following morning to a blanket of shimmery white.

It made the whole trip worthwhile. 

Brae, Sienna, and Graem enjoyed a fun-filled weekend with their cousin siblings, and it warmed my heart to see them play (and yes, even fight) together.  They are making memories that will last the lifetime, and for that, I'm truly grateful.

It finally happened.

After more than 13 years since they allowed their precious remaining nine embryos to be placed in a vial, and frozen for an unknown period of time, it happened. 

After more than 7 years since they allowed these same precious embryos to be shipped off to a facility to be adopted by an unknown family, it happened. 

After more than 4 years since they learned that although each of their embryos had been adopted,  only one had survived, implanted, and was growing, it happened. 

After more than 3 years since they learned that that one precious embryo had been birthed as a baby girl, some 2,500 miles away, it happened.

On December 16, 2014, the unknown became known.  For this family, and for this girl.

It happened.

Sienna met her genetic family.

It is so hard to describe this moment.  It was surreal.  It was beautiful. It was a moment placed in time by the hands of God himself. 

Each of us had traveled hours to be there, and so much more.  We were at one of Florida's amusement parks. Tygh and the kids and I were coming out of a stage show.  The genetic family was going to meet us outside. 

I spotted them immediately.

I clutched Sienna on my hips, and walked briskly toward them.

I was so excited.

We hugged.

I showed off my daughter to them.  Their blood.

I was proud.

I watched as they studied her face.  Her delicate features.  Her curly blond hair.  Her aqua blue eyes.  Her rosy, plump cheeks.  Her rosebud lips. 

They studied her.  Searched her face and features for recognition.  Similarity.  Familiarity. 

They smiled.  It was as if they could see the resemblances, and yet knew that she was different.  Knew that although the same blood raced through each of their veins, she was a unique person.  Not their child.  Didn't belong to them.  And yet, she was still family.

For the next many hours, we toured the parks together.  I tried to maintain a comfortable distance from Sienna and them, allowing them to get to know her.  To experience her. 

Tygh and I have been through this before, in a sense, with Brae's birthfamily.  We are comfortable enough in our relationship to each of our children to know that the parental bond between us and them will never be broken.  So it is not at all threatening to allow other members of their extended family to really enjoy being with them without us hovering above.

I watched as Sienna bounced her way from exhibit to exhibit, blissfully unaware of the magnitude of what was happening around her.  In one moment, I watched as her genetic mother followed her into a crowd.  As we've grown accustomed to, people fawn over Sienna.  One woman turned to Sienna's genetic mother and asked, "She's beautiful.  Is she yours?"

"No," she replied.

It was a strange and yet, comforting, moment for me to witness. 

It is an odd thing to claim any child as belonging to you.  Children, as with any other blessing, is a gift from above.  On loan to us.  For a time. 

As Sienna's mom, I am her steward.  She is mine to take care of.  But, in our view, she belongs to God.  Perhaps that is why we have always been comfortable with our role as adoptive parents.  Not threatened by birth families, or genetic families. 

Scientifically, there is no reason why Sienna was not transferred to her genetic family, and birthed into life through them.  She could just have easily been chosen by the reproductive endocrinologist as one of the embryos transferred to her genetic family. 

However, from a God-perspective, Sienna was always to be given to us.  From the beginning of time, God knew she would be a child placed into our family, in just the manner that she was. 

So, it was comforting for me to witness that her genetic family recognized that.  I felt a twinge of sadness for her genetic mom that she could not claim Sienna as "her own," and yet, comforted by that same acknowledgement. 

We ended the evening by sitting down for a meal together.  I reveled in the majesty of the moment.  All of us, brought together through the unique beauty of adoption, lost in quiet conversation about each of our children. 

Sienna's genetic mother and I spent most of that meal talking about the similarities between Sienna and her genetic sister, who were each created in the same IVF cycle.  They are so much alike.  Not so much physically, but definitely in personality.

Sassy.  Imaginative.  Creative.  Definitely march to the beat of their own drums.

I was comforted that Sienna would likely be able to relate to her genetic sister as she gets older. 

The evening came to a close and it was time to part ways.  We mentioned that we may be finding ourselves in their neck of the woods in the next few years, which brightened their faces. 

We hugged again, and my heart was full.

We had made an important connection, not only for Sienna and her genetic siblings, but for the donors who lovingly parted with her so many years ago.  And, for us, who chose open embryo adoption for exactly moments like this.

It happened.

Parenting Styles

I took a quiz last week about parenting styles.  There were four different types of "moms" described: 1) the "tiger" mom, one who strives for success and high achievement in her child, 2) the "attachment" mom, who encourages inter-dependence between the parent and child, 3) the "helicopter" mom, who regularly "hovers" over her child, and 4) the "free range" mom, who encourages self-confidence through independence.

First, let me start off by saying that none of these parenting styles, in my opinion, is "wrong" or "bad."  I believe most parents strive to do their best for their child, and that the most effective parenting style comes about organically.  If you as a parent do not feel comfortable with a certain parenting style, it is never going to work for you.

I have friends who fall into each of these categories.  And, I admire traits in each of their parenting styles.  I am, however, most comfortable around my mom friends who have the same style as I do.  That's probably only natural.

I am a "free range" mom.

I've known this for a while, although others have referred to it as "natural consequences" parenting, or even "laissez faire" parenting.  One dear friend even told me I was the most "lax" parent she knew. 

I'm still not quite sure how to take that one.

This is not a style that set out to wear, it just kind of developed over the last six years of being a mom.  It's a little ironic, because in many areas of my life, I have a Type A personality.  But, when it comes to being a mom, I let go of a lot control.  I allow my kids to have a long leash.  From a pedagogical perspective, I recognize I'm not raising kids.  I'm raising adults.  For me, the goal of childhood is to raise well-mannered, God-fearing, respectful, responsible, and functioning contributors to society.

That means that I need to allow them to do things on their own.  A lot of things.  I need to trust them.  I need to trust myself that I've equipped them with the tools to be successful.  They need to try.  They need to fail.  Then, they need to gain the confidence to try again, or, to learn to not do something again, as the case may be.

Some examples of this are that I encourage my kids to do things for themselves.  They want a sandwich? They make it.  They want to play at a friend's house?  They go knock on their door.  They wake up before us on a Saturday morning? They entertain themselves.  They want to run around outside in bare feet and play in the mud puddles? Have at it.  They break a toy because they were playing with it too rough? It goes in the garbage.  They want to climb up the slide (despite numerous cautions that it is dangerous to do that), and they slip and get a bloody nose? I have a tissue.

Sure, this parenting style may have led to a few more scrapes, bruises, and trips to the ER than other kids, but I'm ok with that. 

I'm ok with it because I've also regularly been told that my kids are very independent and self-confident.  I am proud of that.

I think the natural criticism of this parenting style is that it is negligent or, worse, dangerous. 

I see that, but I'm not a Pollyanna.  I know we live in a world where kids get kidnapped, strangers carry knives, and cars drive too fast.

I have a dear friend who I would also classify as a "free range" mom, and her style, quite frankly, scares me.  I would even go so far as to say that I am a little nervous whenever she watches my kids without me.   But, I will also say that her kids are even more self-confident and independent than my own, and I admire her for that.  She is raising good adults.

Because I am not naïve to the world in which we live, I take on traits of a "helicopter" mom or an "attachment" mom when it is appropriate.  For the first two weeks Brae started kindergarten, I secretly followed his school bus in my car, and tip toed behind him to his classroom, to make sure he got their ok.  Every night, I stay up after my kids have gone to sleep to make sure they put themselves to bed ok, and haven't fallen asleep on the floor (which has happened).  When they walk over to a neighbor's house, I text the neighbor before they arrive to let me know they made it safely. 

This is just responsible parenting. 

And, regardless of your parenting style, if your child feels safe, loved, and is entrusted to a responsible adult, I'm pretty confident they will turn out just fine. 

In one week.

In just over a week, Sienna will come face to face with her genetic family.  She will look into the eyes of the loving husband and wife who helped create her, and then selflessly donated her to bless another family.  She will touch, for the first time, her genetic siblings, whom she was created with, more than a decade ago.  They are 13; she is 3.

I am so excited.

I am not nervous. At all.  I have nothing but pure joy and anticipation that this moment has finally arrived.

No, Sienna doesn't know what is going on.  But it is all about her. 

We hope this will be the first of several meetings over her life.  The beginning of a lifelong relationship. 

Just as there is no playbook for embryo adoption in general, there is definitely no playbook for what to say, do, or think the first time you meet your daughter's genetic family in person.

In so many ways, it is a lot like when we met Brae's birthfamily for the first time.  But, in so many more ways, it is completely different.

When we first met Brae's birthmom, she was 7 months pregnant.  She had seen our profile online, and whether she chose us to parent the child within her was completely up to her.

Little did we know at the time, but she was dealing with her own emotional roller coaster and questions about placing for adoption the child growing within her.  I remember being so nervous, I couldn't eat the plate of food in front of me. 

When we first met Brae's birthfather and his family a month later in the delivery room, there was solemn sadness.   There were mixed emotions - for all involved.  And, over the last six years, it has been an exercise in building a relationship between us and his birth family.  It has been a blessing, no doubt, but we've had to build trust between us because of the nature of the circumstances in which Brae was born into. 

We have never spoken to Sienna's genetic family.  We have exchanged videos, texts, and pictures.  They have sent Christmas gifts and birthday gifts each year for Sienna. 

I remember the first time we came across Sienna's genetic family's profile.  We had reviewed 6 others, and not one captured our attention. 

But, theirs was different.  For one, they attached a picture of their family.  For another, we had so many common interests from how we liked to spend our spare time, to what kind of music we liked.

Tygh and I reviewed their profile separately and each decided they were our family.

We chose them, and then they chose us.

Sienna's birth was not accompanied by any fear that she might not go home with us.  There were no mixed emotions; there was just elation.

And, finally, in one week, she will get to experience what Brae has gotten to experience every year for the last 6 years. 

We chose an open embryo adoption to give our next child what Brae had.  We wanted our next child to have a connection to her roots like Brae had. 

In one week, Sienna will get to come face to face with more family. 

That is the beauty of embryo adoption. 

That is the beauty of an open embryo adoption.