Peace.

Tygh and I have a newfound sense of peace and resolution about proceeding with embryo adoption. Even if it doesn't work. That's right. We believe God is directing us down this path, is providing the open doors, the finances, and will protect us. Even if it doesn't work. We feel we are supposed to be on this path at this time. We don't necessarily know why or what the outcome will be, but we are content with that. We feel squarely within His will right now. So, because of that, although I'm sure it will be devastating if this doesn't "work", meaning achieve a pregnancy, that we still know God is ultimately in control. We believe we will get preggers again one day and give birth, but we just don't know His timing or if this is the way in which it will happen. And for the first time in a long time, I'm okay with that.

We met with the fertility doctor today and it was good. He confirmed that we appear to have an unexplained infertility case. There may be "little" things, but no definite diagnosis as to why we've had difficulty. He seemed very supportive of the embryo adoption, and was even very careful to use supportive language, like calling actually calling it an "adoption." We feel comfortable with him. He wants to be sure to review the quality of the embryos before we are matched with them, which was encouraging, although we know that God has already pre-selected the ones we will get, and even "poor" embryos result in pregnancies.

The plan is that once we are matched, I will do some pre-testing (ultrasounds, etc.) and then start a month of birth conrol pills and 5 days of shots to suppress my natural cycle. Then they give me shots of estrogen. Once I'm good and ready, they do the transfer. The nice thing about frozen transfers is that you can really schedule it to fit your needs. It can be much more planned than a typical IVF cycle.

We hope to hear from Bethany embryo's center this week to talk about the matching process. We're also waiting to hear back from our criminal background check (hopefully next week). Then we can schedule the homestudy visit.

So, as far as timeline, it's looking like the transfer (depending how fast a match happens) will likely be sometime this spring.

The beat goes on.

Updates: The Bethany embryo process has begun. We sent our application fee to them, should arrive on Friday, after which time the director is supposed to call us and help us put our profile together. Apparently, it's just a letter and some pictures. She'll also talk to us about what we're looking for in a match, openness, etc. On the parallel track of our homestudy, we just learned we have to complete 10 hours of new training. A new State requirement for all returning families. I just sigh and wonder why parents who get babies the "traditional" way don't have to go through all this training! Then I just tell myself that we are 'super-equipped' to be parents! Hopefully, though, we can complete the training through a video. It's very hard to be away from Brae for an entire weekend to complete this (silly) training.

I sent in all our homestudy paperwork yesterday, and so now we just wait for our fingerprints to come back clean. Then our homestudy visit can be scheduled.

We have an appt tomorrow am with the fertility doctor who would do the transfer . That should be interesting. Thankfully, my insurance has thus far agreed to continue paying 50% of the costs. PRAISE GOD!

Also on the financial blessing front, we got an email yesterday we are getting a random check from the State for nearly $1200. I'm telling you -- tithing.

My monthly finally came over the weekend. Came, and has already left. Just a brief visit to say hello and that she has not forgotten about me. But I told her I am not taking an OPK test this month to determine when she is arriving. She disappointed me last month, so I've now counted her as a flakey soul. She can show up (or not) whenever she pleases. But I can't promise she will always be welcome. But I told her I was glad she came this month, because if she had not, my gynecologist said he was going to "force" her visit. Nothing worse than a forced visit from someone you do not want to see anyway.

And now for the happy news. I ask my son, "Quien es Brae?" (Who is Brae), and he points to himself and then laughs. I ask him, "Quien es Mommy?" and he points to me and smiles. I ask him "Quien es Daddy?" and he points to himself again and laughs.

I love him.

We are on the NEDC list.

I so wish that statement could be followed by an exclamation point, but I just cannot seem to muster up the energy behind it. I'm so discouraged by the incredibly long wait at NEDC that it does not seem much of a feat to be on a wait list where I'll be waiting more than SIX months just for a consult, and nearly A YEAR for the transfer.

In the meantime, I remain blessedly busy at work and in my personal life that I simply don't have time to dwell on the lack of a second baby blessing right now. I just trust that one day it will come, because I believe God has that in store for us.

Tygh has a doctor's appointment Friday (tomorrow), and that is the LAST document we need before we can ship everything up to the Bethany office and wait for our homestudy to be scheduled. It's also the last document we need to start the matching process for the Bethany embryo part. So, we hope that we can actually start talking to someone at Bethany about our matching preferences, an openness agreement, and a profile by next week!

I also have an appointment with the doctor here who would perform the transfer next Wednesday. I'm kind of excited about that.

This all seems incredibly surreal and sort of out-of-body. I have to say, I'm letting my discouragement get the best of me and have little faith the embryo adoption is actually going to work. Perhaps that stems in large part from the fact I don't trust my body. I still have not gotten a period, and yet still not pregnant. It's like my body is the enemy.

So then I just have to trust God instead, which is hard to do, because He made this body of mine.

Just some honest talk tonight.

A little update.

Well, we are "almost" on the NEDC wait list. Waiting for some bloodwork to come back (hopefully today), and then we're on the NEDC wait list. But we're also simultaneously pursuing the Bethany track. We've been filling out paperwork and watching educational videos. If you are interested, this is a REALLY good video about embryo adoption. Just 30 minutes: http://www.cedaeducation.org/general-public/snow-baby-film-premier-2.html. I've also made an appt. with the fertility doctor here to have a consultation. Turns out, their success rates for frozen embryo transfers are actually HIGHER than the NEDC rates (depending on a variety of variables). That was very reassuring. However, I still think, given the chance, we'd prefer to go through NEDC because it is a Christian organization, but their wait list is just so discouraging. So, we're trying to follow where we feel God is leading. Once our paperwork is complete with the Bethany embryo department (hopefully end of week), then we can start working on a match! In the meantime, the Bethany home study will proceed on a parallel track. We can actually be matched BEFORE the homestudy is complete, which is very cool. The matching process is going very quickly right now through Bethany because there are so many donors, and fewer recipients.

I was asked yesterday what my perfect timeline would be for this transfer. I think 2 months from today would be a realistic/ideal goal. Mid-April to end of April.

And, in the midst of it all, God has been keeping me wonderfully distracted. Work has been crazy busy, which I don't mind. Less time for idle wandering and thinking. Personal life has also been joyfully chaotic. So the embryo adoption seems to be swirling like a satellite in my life. Just don't have time to dwell on it, which I actually prefer.

And then this other strange distraction is that I still have not gotten that elusive monthly visit. Over a week late, but not preggers. Where or where did Aunt Flo vacation this month?

A Change of Plans

It's been a crazy week. First, my period never came (don't go thinking anything). Turns out I likely ovulated, but my hormones didn't get the memo and didn't produce what they needed to to then start a period. Or at least that's what my doctor thinks. So, still no period, but no pregnancy either. Seems like a cruel joke to think you missed your period because of a pregnancy only to find out that's not the case. Such is life inside my body, where my hormones don't seem to always communicate. Thankfully, the doctor thinks it's likely just a fluke month, so he wants me to check back next month to run some hormone tests.

On another note, I've been poked with needles five times this week, including a Tetanus shot that I didn't know I did NOT need until it was too late. The tests are all for the embryo adoption.

And that gets to the next point, the change of plans. Our Tennessee paperwork is almost complete. Just waiting for some bloodwork to come back (because did I mention that the doctor's office "lost" my other bloodwork?). That should come back Monday, at which point we should be on the incredibly long wait list for Tennessee.

But then (and here's the change of plans), I think we're NOT going to go through the Tennessee facility. When I went to drop off our fingerprints to our caseworker, I told her how discouraged I was that the wait was going to be so long. She suggested I look into my other options and what it would be like to go through the Bethany agency all the way. So, I called them this morning, and come to find out they are one of the few agencies that actually have a SURPLUS of embryos. More donors than recipients. So, once our homestudy is complete, the process could move, I quote, "very fast."

So I immediately called Tygh and we decided, what the heck, we'll go through Bethany. We'll probably still be on the NEDC wait list just in case that comes up first because we've already come this far with them and paid the necessary fee to get on the wait list. But we'll likely go through Bethany.

And by going through Bethany, one of our other dillemmas is solved: anonymous vs. open. Bethany only does open adoptions.

Next steps are to wait for our homestudy paperwork to be complete. Tygh has a physical coming up next week, and then we're waiting for our fingerprints/criminal background check to come back clean. After that, our homestudy can take place, and be written.

In the meantime, I've also re-connected with the fertility doctor's office to find out what next steps are there.

On one side, I'm a little relieved the wait won't be quite so long. I'm also (honestly) a little relieved to not have to travel -- to Tennessee or anywhere else. But there are some definite cons to going through Bethany. The cost is a little more expensive, which if it works, we'll recoup with the tax credit. If it doesn't work, we should be able to recoup some, but not all of it. The success rates are (statistically, according to the websites) a little lower going through basically any other fertility facility other than the Tennessee one (I'm convinced that's because God lives in the Tennessee facility!). Hopefully, though, He'll make an appearance at the local facility, too. ; )

And then, if it doesn't work, there is a long wait (at least a few months, probably) until we do the domestic adoption. That will be very hard, no lie.

I'm just SO torn. I've been praying fervently that God reveal His will to me, and I just am so confused as to what it is.

Trying to discern the voice of God and be obedient.

Sigh. More Waiting.

Well, the NEDC received our paperwork, and we are almost complete with our Bethany paperwork. We hope to have our homestudy end of month or early March, and to be approved sometime in March. But, then there is another long wait period. The NEDC just informed me that they are booked through MAY for the initial consult with the doctor. She doesn't think I could have the initial consult until August/Sept., and because they only do the transfers every other month, the transfer will likely not occur until late fall. Ugh. Not the timeline I suspected.

I'm trying to make the best of this, though. If the transfer happens in late fall, and it doesn't work, then we will be prepared to start immediately on the domestic adoption path. If the transfer happened earlier in the summer, and didn't work, there would be a several month lag before we started the domestic path again. The reason is because we plan to use our 2010 tax return (to be received in early 2011) to pay the fee to get on the list. Also, getting on the list at that time allows us to accrue more sick time for maternity leave. So, I was pondering the other day that if the transfer happened over the summer and didn't work, it would be a very long and difficult fall waiting to be on the domestic list again. So I'm trying to see the silver lining. Still, not the timeline I'd hoped for.

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5.

Our Bethany paperwork should arrive in mail today!

I just spoke with the Bethany office, and we (cross fingers) expect the Bethany paperwork to arrive in the mail today, or tomorrow at the latest! As I understand it, the paperwork is much less extensive than the first time around, with the biggest time suck coming from having to get fingerprints. Then, we mail that paperwork off and hope to have our homestudy visit in a couple weeks!

We are also finished with our embryo adoption paperwork, minus some bloodwork that will be sent to the NEDC. I plan to send the paperwork tomorrow.

I can hardly believe how fast this process is moving already. With any luck (and some help from a certain Man upstairs) we should be able to have our first visit at the NEDC this spring! And then maybe a transfer by late spring or early summer.... okay, keep my hopes in check.

Still very exciting!

Our Embryo Adoption Paperwork Has Arrived!

Yay! There are a boatload of forms to fill out, one of which prompted a discussion between me and Tygh about whether we wanted to go anonymous or open. I'm leaning more toward anonymous; Tygh is leaning more toward open. So, we decided to remain open to either one at this point. Hopefully God will prompt our heart one way over the other.

On our to-do list is filling out a bunch of forms and getting them notarized. We've already submitted several forms online describing ourselves, our marriage, our lives, etc.

We also need to get some blood screening work done to rule out STDs, HIV, etc.

Then we need to create a letter to the donating family. Apparently, even anonymous donors sometimes get to choose the recipients, even if it's just sort of an "approval" check the box deal. With this letter we need to submit 3 photos.

With the packet came information that the quickest anyone has gone through the process is 6 months. I'm all about breaking records!

We hope to get our paperwork done stat! (or at least by next week), and have everything sent to the center in Tennessee.

We're still waiting for our paperwork from Bethany so we can start the homestudy process.

And just before I sat down to wrote this blog, I peeked in on my baby boy sleeping soundly and so sweetly. I cannot wait to give him siblings.

I hope this process works.

God: YOU ARE IN CONTROL.

Brae is 15 months old!

From Brae:

I now weigh almost 23 pounds (25th percentile). I am 31 inches long (about 50th percentile). And I have a big head (about 80th percentile).

Doctor said today, quote: "He is the happiest baby I've ever seen at this age."

I can say about a dozen words, both Spanish and English. Luckily, I can count "no" as a dual-language word.

I like to take off my diaper and be naked. A lot.

My molars are through, so my K-9s are next. Ouch.