Pulled the Trigger.

Plane tickets to Knoxville, Tennessee are booked.

We are now officially committed to this path (barring unforeseen circumstances).

Gulp!

Homestudy!

Yay! Just learned this afternoon that our homestudy has been written and it is on its way up to Seattle for approval.
All this really means is that it should not be an obstacle in the process with NEDC. After our June 3 appointment with NEDC, and assuming we are medically "cleared," we proceed with the matching process. If our homestudy had not been approved by then, that could cause a delay.
We still have to complete our 10-hour-new-training requirement, but that will just cause an amendment to the homestudy, and not hold it up.
YAY!

Loving Obedience.

So I had written a whole long blog and then it got deleted.

I don't believe in coincidences. God did not want me to publish that last post. I'm going to be much more succinct this time.

I've had a bad attitude lately. A good friend butt kicked me about that last night.

For the past months since we felt convicted and had peace we are supposed to be on this journey of embryo adoption and that God was leading us down this road, I believed all that was required of me was to be obedient to God. I was wrong. I need to be lovingly obedient. I need to be joyful on this journey. If I'm not, I'm giving the wrong impression to others about who God is. I have felt being on this journey was like a sheep being led to the slaughterhouse. That's because I felt God was leading me on this journey and that it would end in failure, but I was supposed to be on this journey anyway.

I was wrong. It still may be true that God's outcome is not my desired outcome, but I know that His ways are not my ways. His ways are greater and better than mine. He has more in store for me than I can possibly imagine. I have a rare opportunity on this journey to be a missionary. I need to take joy in that and relish being obedient to God and finding joy in that, and not just seeking the benefits or blessings of God. Just go after Him and who He is, and I will find peace, love, joy, and contentment.

As my very wise counselor and friend said, "When we have a trusting heart and an honest, open mind to God, we can be sure renewal is on its way." My struggles and this journey of infertility is not a failure on my part. There is nothing physically wrong with me. If something does not produce the results I want, it's not failure. It's just not God's plan. To look at it like failure is for me to think my body is more powerful than God. WOW.

God has not set me up for failure. His outcome on this journey of obedience may not be my desired outcome, but it WILL be part of His plan, which is so much more than I can possibly imagine.

I will continue to perservere. I will not give up. I will keep seeking God and keep trudging on this path, and with a better attitude now. God has not shown me the outcome. He has made promises to me about my future, but He has not provided me the timeline.

I trust Him. Happily. Joyfully.

And for a fleeting second this evening when I was rocking my son to bed, I said to myself, "Self, I want more of this. More of this being a Mom thing." And I already know I don't need to be pregnant to have that.

Thank you, Lord, for kick butt friends.

Update.

We have decided to go through NEDC and not Bethany. That said, I haven't told Bethany yet. Mostly because they have made no effort to contact me since last week (and still no final application!), but also because I suppose I'm still waiting for further confirmation from God that we're supposed to go to NEDC. But I think I'm learning that by asking for even more confirmation just shows a lack of faith. I've researched plane flights, have a baby/dog sitter while we're gone, and have taken the time off work, but I haven't pulled the trigger and actually booked the flights. I think I'll do that next week.
We have received paperwork from NEDC. I'm waiting for my next cycle to start and then I'll start taking meds to help prepare my body for the trial transfer and all the bloodwork they'll need to take on June 3. I also will need to start birth control this next cycle.
Cute story: I was with Brae at the park last week, and I noticed he went away from the playground and started heading toward this van that was kind of curiously parked next to the playground. The van was not in a parking lot, not in a parking space, and far away from where all the other cars parked. It was very odd. I went after Brae and watched him as he headed toward the back of this van. I watched as he reached out and put both of his hands just above the back bumper of the van. As I got closer, I gasped. The van was a Toyota "Sienna", and Brae had placed both of his hands on the word "Sienna."
I love God and the supernatural.

NEDC!

I'm shaking and have tears in my eyes as I write this. I'm in awe. I just got a TOTALLY unexpected call from the embryo coordinator at NEDC -- the Christian donation center in Tennessee. Remember, that was the one we wanted to go to in the beginning -- felt led to go in the beginning -- but their wait list was SO long, it didn't seem like the right option. The coordinator was calling to tell me that due to cancellations, unexpected pregnancies, etc., they have an opening for our first appt with the doctor on June 3! (The original date she told me was September at the earliest!) She said they could even do a transfer as early as July!

I immediately called Tygh and we agreed to pray about it and talk about it tonight. I need to let her know tomorrow if we are not going to do it. And, if you remember, I almost got off the NEDC list because of the long wait time, but my stubbornness refused to let me do that because we'd already paid $200 to be on their list, so I figured, why not. Oh, Lord, how you humor me.

The timing of this all does not seem coincidental. First, we are only invested in Bethany's program $150. (And the NEDC program is less expensive). No skin off our backs. Second, Bethany has been dragging their feet for a MONTH to get me the final application (it keeps getting revised), which is the next step of commitment for us with the Bethany program, as I think that costs $500. And remember how in the beginning they told me their process would move so quickly? It's not their fault. GOD was at work! Third, everything else we've done -- setting up care with a fertility clinic here, doing the homestudy, etc., is all in line with what NEDC also needs us to do. They've been parallel tracks for the most part. Now, I'd just need to change my fertility care here to just being nurses instead of the doctor to do the transfer.

The coordinator is sending me a packet of all the info, because on June 3 (6 weeks from now!), they would do a huge medical evaluation of me, including a trial transfer. They also do a huge counseling session with me and Tygh. Then, the matching process begins. Once we have a match, we go back to the clinic (either July or September as they only do transfers every other month), and stay in Tennessee for a couple of days.

I asked her how long she thought the matching process could take. She said that because we want to do open, it will be much less time. Apparently, more people want to do anonymous. Remember this dispute Tygh and I were having about that? I wanted to do anonymous and he wanted to do open? And we agreed on open. It seems God has been directing all of this all along! She said she was looking at two bookshelves FULL of open donors just waiting to be matched! Our genetic family could be in there! And, because all of the embryos are frozen at the clinic in Tennessee, there is no need to have any of them shipped. And, if for some reason, none of our embryos survived the thaw, we would have a back-up family, and they could still do the transfer right there!

I was in tears as I was talking to her and just blurted out, "You have no idea how much of a tailspin you've thrown us into. We were NOT expecting to hear from you til at least July or September! The timing of this seems totally providence." And then she whispered, "It's God, isn't it?" And then I just gasped, "Yes, I think so." And she said, "We believe that, too."

Wow. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to see some of You working today!!!!

In summary, Tygh and I will talk more tonight, and an option is always to proceed with NEDC, and still stay on Bethany's list until they ask us for more money, then we can proceed from there to choose just one track.

No acupuncture.

I love all the emails and postings from my dear friends who express how God can use anything to accomplish His will -- indeed He does, all the time. And yet, I know that God does not need to use anything at all to accomplish His will. After much prayerful consideration, and a very convicting email from someone I hold in high esteem (you know who you are!), I have decided I do not have the green light to pursue acupuncture or other forms of Chinese medicine at this time. This is not at all a reflection on whether think it is "right" or "wrong" or anything like that. Rather, I simply believe that God gives some of His children release to pursue certain avenues, while He does not give that same release to others of His children.

I received a very wonderful text message from a good friend this morning that told me that whatever God was telling me to do and convicting me of, I needed to do it. This text could not have come at a more perfect time. Right away, I texted back "no acupuncture."

She basically responded if that was how God was leading me, I needed to be obedient, and He would honor that. Not necessarily honor it with a baby through embryo adoption, but honor my spirit of faith and obedience.

I recognize that I've been pushing my agenda on God and how I expect Him to behave and answer me through this trial and adventure. I need to stop that. He has His own purpose for all of this, and because I believe another baby will eventually bless our house (and eventually my body), I just need to enjoy this ride more.

When I was talking with the naturopath, I asked her why acupuncture seemed to have success when associated with getting pregnant. She said something about endorphins and relaxing your body, etc.

I've been thinking about that. I hate needles, so even if I felt release to do acupuncture, I don't know if I would actually do it.
I've decided I'm going to Dosha and get a massage instead. Probably every week from the time we're "chosen" until the transfer happens! Maybe I'll even invite Tygh to join me. I know we both experience lots of endorphins and relaxations in those massages!

So, moral of the story for this post: Be obedient to God's leading in your life. Just like everything else, He leads people down different paths, and for better or worse, acupuncture is not on my path.

Such a skeptic.

So I've been on this gluten-free diet for a couple weeks now. I recognize I have a bad attitude about it. I don't like having to think about what I'm going to eat, or if I go somewhere, am I going to be able to eat what they have? This mostly stems from my history with food, and I just don't like going there mentally. But, because we know the embryo transfer is coming up, and because I've been told there may be a correlation between gluten and fertility, I'm willing to give it a shot through the embryo transfer.

I've also just spoken with a naturopath recommended by our fertility doctor, who spewed Chinese medicine at me for about 20 minutes. I was trying so hard not to roll my eyes the whole time, just biting my tongue. I wanted to shout out: "I don't believe in this! I believe in God, and that He is the Healer of all infirmities! I don't need this! If we get pregnant through this, it will be by His power alone! What you say to me is rubbish!"

But I didn't.

And as she was spitting out statistics, like acupuncture increases chances of fertility success by 50%, etc., I was waffling between being intrigued and annoyed.

So, I'm going to pray about it. Since we're only doing this once, part of me is like, why not? Give it my "all" this time (with the gluten, with acupuncture, etc.) and just see. I know ultimately that it will ONLY be by God if this happens, but maybe God speaks Chinese, too?