An unexpected closure

I received an email yesterday that provided me some unexpected closure in a certain area of my life.

You may recall that with Sienna, we had backup donors.  They had four "top grade" embryos.  Since we were doing open adoptions, I got to know not only Sienna's donors, but our backup donors as well.  We actually became friends and have remained in communication for nearly two years now.

After our success with Sienna, we decided to lovingly return the backup embryos to NEDC.  It was an excruciatingly difficult decision.  As badly as I wanted to adopt them, my husband and I were just not at the same page at that time with keeping them.  We felt that until we were unified in that decision, the right thing to do was to return them in the hopes they would be released from limbo.

Months went by and these embryos still were not adopted.  That puzzled me, because I knew they were of such a high grade, but I also know that open adoptions are less common than anonymous, so perhaps that was the reason.

About a year later, the embryos were adopted.  They were again the "backup embryos."  And, again, the couple got pregnant with their "first try" embryos.  And, again, that couple lovingly returned the backup embryos to NEDC. 

After I learned this, I approached my husband again with the possibility of adopting these embryos back.  And that's when he told me that he just did not feel led to do that, and instead felt led toward adopting through our state. 

Heartbreakingly, I told our backup donors that it was just not meant to be for us, but that I would continue to pray over these embryos, and their fate.

During all this time, these backup donors remained steadfastly positive about the fate of their precious embryos, knowing that they would be released at the right time, and to the right couple.

A few months ago, they were adopted by a third couple.  Recently, the four were thawed, and three survived and were transferred. 

No pregnancy resulted.

I'm shocked. 

I'm shocked because it's just a simple reminder that God is in control of life from beginning to end.  Not even the very best in medical technology, science, or the most brilliant and careful doctors and staff can ensure the beginning of life.  Life remains the province of our Creator. 

I also feel a sense of comfort and peace.  Comfort for our backup donors that they now feel some rest, knowing the fate of those children.  Comfort that God, as painful as it was, steered us away from re-adopting those embryos, which, knowing their fate, would have caused us more heartache and pain.

And peace, knowing that for that third adopting couple, while they no doubt are experiencing the heartache and pain of a failed attempt, that God still put this desire in their hearts, and He will be faithful to fulfill it, or take it away.

Homestudy: Part VI - The best yet

Yesterday was what we hope is our sixth and final homestudy (apart from maybe a brief follow-up visit or two).

It was the first time that Tygh and I actually got to be together for the homestudy since the first visit, many months ago. 

Again, the caseworker just wanted to fill in holes that she had in her report.  She mostly asked about our differing parent styles.  I'm much more laid back, and Tygh is more of the "iron fist."  She also wanted to ask more about our children and their personalities. 

Now, if you know me, I could go on and on and on talking about my kids.  But, I quietly deferred to Tygh.  It was so fascinating hearing his responses, and watching him as he responded.

When he spoke of Brae, his chest puffed up, and he sat up straight.  His voice was strong and proud.  He talked about how Brae is his shadow, how intelligent and willful he is, how he's "all boy," and how Brae owns me (great).

When he spoke of Sienna, his chest kind of caved in, he relaxed his posture, and sat back in the chair.  His voice was softer and more relaxed.  He talked about how she's shy when she first meets someone, but then she warms up quickly and is a social butterfly.  How she loves to take care of things and people, and how she can stand her own against her big brother.

And then, he spoke about me.  He spoke about how great of a mother I am.  How when I'm with the kids, I'm 100% with the kids.  How I'm driven and persistent in reaching my dreams, and also loving and compassionate (tears).

And then the caseworker said something that really surprised me.  Mind you, most of my interactions with my caseworker, while I really like her, have been a bit prickly.  I know that's just part of the process.  I've gotten the impression she thinks that I'm this tightly-wound woman who needs to take a chill pill.  Come to learn, she thinks quite the opposite.

"You know, Britney, you're actually a big softie.  You come across, and I think most people would think that you are this rigid professional woman who has to have her life all in order, which is what I initially thought.  But I've come to learn that you are not this way.  You actually have a very big heart and are quite a big softie."

That lit up my day.

So, next steps are that we have to finish a couple little things around the house (get a new fire extinguisher, get a safe for our medications, etc.), she writes her report, comes to do one final house walk-through, and then we are allowed to read our report (gulp).

As much as I want this homestudy process to just be over with, and have been pushing to just get it done, I truly trust God's sovereign plan with how and when this next child will come.

For now, it seems, we are at least off the roller coaster, and waiting for the next ride.

Homestudy: Part V

It's hard to believe there is actually a fifth chapter to this saga. 

Last week, I had my fifth interview with our caseworker. 

Our caseworker is in the process of writing up our report, and had some holes she said she wanted to fill in.  Particularly, she wanted to hear more about my childhood.  More about my parents' divorce.  More about my parents' re-marriages to my stepparents, and my three stepbrothers.  She wanted to hear more about my high school and college years.  More about my romantic relationships. 

In all, I'm not sure I've ever told one single person as much information as I've told this virtual stranger.  It's an exhausting process.

And, at the end, of course, she had comments.  In a nutshell, she said that I appear to "minimize the trauma in my life." 

Her concern was that we may be placed with a child who has had some trauma in his/her life, and it could be a trigger for me, and what was I willing to do about it?

I told her that I have been on several missions trips to very impoverished parts of our country, and our world.  I have witnessed children who do not have shoes on their feet, running water, and struggle for every morsel of food.  I have mentored children whose fathers have abandoned them, who have been physically or sexually abused, and neglected. 

In comparison, my childhood was a piece of cake. 

I'm not trying to minimize divorce, and the profound impact it has on children, including me.  Looking back, that one incident was a catalyst for a lot of unpleasant experiences in my life. 

However, I do not compare it to being beaten, raped, or starved.

So, forgive me if I tend to shrug my experience of divorce off.  In comparison, it was not that bad.  My parents each re-married, and have been re-married for over 25 years.  I've seen beauty rise from the ashes that divorce creates.  Including myself.

Of course, I told her that if a child we bring home causes a trigger in me, I will not hesitate to seek counseling.  And, I mean that.

We hope to have our next (and final!) homestudy visit in the next week or so, and then we wait for the final report to be written.

It will be so nice to have this part of the process behind us.

Brae-isms

It's been a while since the last round, so there are a few more than usual.  As always, I'm so proud to be the Mommy of this little one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1)     One evening, Brae and I were saying prayers before bed.  Brae said that he wanted me to pray, while he held his precious sticker book in his hand, and closed his eyes.  I was praying, thanking God for all our blessings, when Brae whispered, “Mommy, tell God that I have super hero stickers.  Thank him for those, too. ... Oh, and tell him to not ever send us to jail."

 

2)     Brae and Tygh made brownies one evening.  Brae loves brownies.  He put a special one on a plate, and said he wanted to save it for after school the following day.  Regrettably, I ate that brownie (don’t get too mad – there was a whole plate full of other brownies, but I ate the special one).  When Brae got home and realized his prized brownie was missing, he said, “Mommy, where’s my brownie?”  Guild-ridden, I said, “I’m so sorry, honey.  I ate it.  Were you looking forward to eating it?”  “Yes!” he proclaimed.  “I was looking forward to it….. and behind, and to the side!”

 

3)    Brae: “Mommy, I want some juice and chocolate milk.”    “No, Brae, you can’t have both,” I said.  “Pick one or the other.”  (Long pause)  Brae: “Other.” 

4)    Brae and Sienna went to Grandma and Grandpa’s house recently while Mommy and Daddy went on vacation.  Apparently, Brae’s picky eating habits continued even at grandparent’s house.  One evening, my sister came over to see the kids.  In front of Brae, Grandma said, “Brae is a p-i-c-k-y e-a-t-e-r.”  Brae got upset.  “No, I’m NOT,” he said.  “I’m B-r-a-e.” 

 

5)   At the park Brae and a little boy were playing. Suddenly, the other little boy started throwing dirt in Brae's face. Dirt got in his eyes. The other boy's mom came rushing over, apologizing. Brae just shrugged and said, "It's ok. It was my fault. I didn't turn my face fast enough."

 

6)   "Mom, my light saber broke. ... Now it's just a flashlight."

 

7)   Recently, we "met" our housecleaner for the first time. We got home earlier than usual, and she was still there. I walked in and saw a little boy sitting quietly on the couch. I realized he didn't speak English. Brae ran in, saw the boy sitting in Brae's spot on the couch, went right up to him and said, "Hi! Wanna watch ninjas with me?" The boy beamed. Love that he has yet to meet a stranger.

 

8)   I walked in on Brae going #2 in the bathroom. He had poop on his hands. I said, "Brae! Why do you have poop on your hands?" He said, "Because, Mommy. I want to always remember this poop being in my bum."

 

 

Friends with our donors

I am now Facebook friends with our donors.

This may seem like a silly thing on which to write a blog, but it actually means a lot to me.  I have a friend who is pregnant with twins through EA, and recently became "friends" with her donors, and was raving about how much she loved it.

Spurred on by this, I texted our donors to see if they wanted to be "friends."  I was delighted when they responded that they absolutely would. 

It has been such a treat to be Facebook friends.  I'm able to see all the pictures of Sienna's genetic siblings, get to revel in the humorous and insightful posts they make, and am able to establish a tangible link between our two families. 

Another bonus has come out of this growing relationship is that Sienna's genetic sister, who will be in 5th grade, has started responding to some of the text messages I send to our donors.  It is beyond a blessing to me to be able to have forged this relationship with Sienna's full-blooded genetic sister. 

For me, this is just part of the beauty of open adoptions.  With the advent and growing popularity of the Internet, our world is getting smaller.  To some, that is scary.  To me, it is comforting. 

I want Sienna to be able to know her genetic family.  I want her, when the time is right, to ask any questions she wants to.  I love that her genetic family is open and receptive to this.  I am not threatened in any way by this openness.  I long for it.  Brae has it with his biological family, and we believe Sienna should have it with her genetic family. 

Some reading this may not understand or relate to this, or even agree with this decision.  I get that.  It took me a while to get to this point, so I do understand the resistance and uneasiness. 

Ultimately, however, I'm doing this for our daughter.  In all of our adoption trainings (and we've been through a lot), there really is no such thing as a "closed" adoption anymore.  (There are exceptions, of course).  Most adoptees, at some point, hunger for information about their past, and with, again, the growing inner circle of our culture through social media, it is becoming easier to connect to our past.

For me, I feel blessed and honored to be able to have access to a wealth of information that, when the time is right, I can provide to Sienna. 

To those of you out there, including my dear friends, who have adopted internationally, have more traditional "closed" adoptions, or who chose anonymous EA, I hope you take this post in the spirit in which it is intended.  Your children also needed forever families.  A child is not eligible for adoption simply because it would be an open one.  So, I applaud your bravery and willingness to engage in that part of the adoption adventure.  I suspect it is equally as challenging, and rewarding.