The progression of a baby bump.

So, here it is: My 1-pound-baby bump.
Seems so silly I've been in maternity pants since 9 weeks.

The first pic is at 4 weeks -- the day we found out. The second is at 6.5 weeks. The third is at 9 weeks. The fourth is at 12.5 weeks. The fourth is today, at 15 weeks, 2 days.

On a side note, I've felt MUCH better today. And my appetite has returned. I've been craving poached eggs on toast all day. In fact, I've eaten a total of 5 eggs and 3 pieces of toast today. Love to see what my cholesterol is right now.

But the real question is, what does it mean that I'm craving eggs?

15th week ultrasound!

We had our 15 week ultrasound today. I'm not sure that most doctors even DO a 15 week ultrasound, but nonetheless, we had one. The baby looks great -- good measurements, good heartbeat. We were "hoping" the doctor would be able to tell the gender, but our blessing was covering his/her genitalia. Modest soul. The doctor also remarked at its position. Its head was bowed down, and it was curled up. The doctor said, "Well, I don't see this often. But it looks like your baby is praying!"
Now, I'm not sure if our doctor is a Christian or not, but it was a blessing indeed to see that, and have the doctor make that remark.
We also got to see the baby move a little bit, and breathe in and out. But mostly, it looked like it was sleeping.
We got the results back from the genetic screening. The Downs test came back 1:500 chance. For an embryo created from a 31-year-old woman (the donor, and coincidentally, me), the odds are more like 1:460. So these odds are excellent. Thank you, Jesus! The other genetic tests all came back with stellar odds.
The one small bump, pun intended, is that I've only gained 1 pound. 1 pound in 15 weeks. The vomiting and nausea has not helped in this department. The average is between 3-5 pounds. So I have some catching up to do. Coincidentally, or not, this evening I've actually felt kind of normal. I don't take too much stock in that, however, because every time I've started to feel good, I take 2 steps back the next day.
No more ultrasounds or appointments until the big 20 week appointment, set for January 18.
I have to say. I'm hoping for a girl.
I hope to post some baby bump pictures in the next couple days. If I have gained 1 pound, it is all in my stomach.

Viability scan.

SO, we had the all-important viability scan yesterday .... and it went great! Baby's heartbeat is 175 (wow!), and the dr. said he/she is VERY active. We saw it moving its arm all around, trying to put its foot in its mouth, and even kicking me (although I couldn't feel it). Two arms, two legs, and the Downs scan looked excellent. (Yes, we ended up getting it -- even though I still didn't want to, Tygh insisted it was for his peace of mind, so I honored that). I guess they want to see something less than 3 mm in the neck fold, and the measurement the dr chose was something like 1.9, so very good.

They also ran some blood tests, and those will come back in the next week or so.

SO, all in all, looks like we have an acrobat on our hands, and I must say, with that heartbeat, I think it may be a girl....

And, today, I turn 31 -- the same age our female donor was when this embryo was created -- 9 years ago!

Can you even wrap your head around that? Wow.

Shots and Downs.

I got the much-anticipated news this morning that I am done done done (!) with the shots! (Well, at least until next week when my levels get checked again). I've been off estrogen for about a week, and this morning, my bum thanked me for not poking it today.

This means (I'm told), that my placenta is now producing the hormones on its own in sufficient quantities that I don't need supplementation. Can I get an Amen! to that?

We are 12 weeks, 1 day today. By some calculators, that is the end of the first trimester. However, I also keep getting told that 13 weeks is now the "magic marker."

I'm still very nauseous and vomiting at various times of the day. Even with the meds. I try really hard not to take the meds unless I feel absolutely brutal, which means I'm taking one about every other day. I think I may be able to handle the nausea if I didn't have a 2-year-old to run after. But that, on top of work, just makes it very difficult to get through the day feeling like this. Again, the burden that comes with the blessing, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Friday we go in for our "first trimester screening". This is where they can do a bunch of measurements, blood work, etc. to gauge the "viability" of the fetus. They can also look for Downs Syndrome.

If you recall from my last post, I didn't want to do this screening. I still don't want to do this screening. Three reasons primarily: 1) the results won't change our plans -- we intend to continue with the pregnancy; 2) it can result in false positives; and 3) how much of a leg up will I really have knowing if the child has Downs? This child will still need to be loved, fed, changed, bathed, etc. The physical needs (as I understand it) of a Downs infant are the same for a non-Downs infant. I just want the ultrasound to say hi to the gummy bear again.

But my husband disagrees. He thinks it would be important to know and prepare, if necessary.

We've agreed to disagree and separately pray about it. For me, I still feel convicted we should not do the test. However, I also want to submit to my husband's decision. (You ever heard the great quote -- if wives knew what it REALLY meant to "submit to their husbands" -- they would never not do it? Because, submitting to their husbands means that wives get to duck while God knocks the husbands to their rear).

So, it will probably be a game-time decision.

My first (ever!) ob appointment

Today, I walked into the familiar as a very unfamiliar person. I stepped foot into my ob/gyn's office for the first time as a pregnant person. My husband, sitting next to me, remarked what I'd always cringed at, "Wow. There are a lot of pregnant women here." No wonder I was depressed every time I had to get a pap smear, or worse, a blood test to confirm that I was, in fact, not pregnant.

Strangely, I didn't feel that different. I still looked at the big bellies and thought, hmmm... maybe one day. I didn't think, oh, I'm one of them now.

The doctor visit itself was great. I love our ob. First things first, he did an ultrasound. Much less fancy than the fertility clinic I'd been going to. The baby popped up and did a big kick. The doctor remarked, "Wow, that was a big kick. I bet you it's a boy." (I was just so thankful to see a baby still in there). And then we saw the heartbeat. We didn't get to hear it or measure it, but the dr. thought it was around 150-160. I'm still measuring a day behind -- so 10 weeks, 6 days. I'm 11 weeks, 0 days today.

We told the doctor all about NEDC and our embryo adoption. He was just so cool about it all. After working with him for just about 3 years now, he was just so happy to see us pregnant. He even remarked, "We've done just about everything with you, haven't we?" as he scanned through my chart. Tygh and I just groaned and nodded. What a long and weary road it has been to get to this harvest ground.

Funny tidbit: I can no longer button my pants. I'm relegated completely to stretchy pants. People have noticed. I no longer count being fashionable as one of my traits. So, as you can imagine, I turned around when they weighed me. I didn't want to see that dreaded number. And then, the nurse said, "Well, I won't tell you what your number is, but I'll tell you it's the exact same number as it was when you were here last (like 6 months ago)."

Hmm... not really sure how to take that one...

We have another ultrasound after Thanksgiving, and then a 15 week ultrasound, followed by the big 20 week ultrasound. The next ultrasound is where they can measure a bunch of things on the baby to see if it may have downs syndrome. Tygh and I have talked briefly about it, and we don't think we're going to ask for that measurement. First, it won't matter what they say -- it doesn't change our plans about having this baby. And second, our donors had the same test performed on their twins. For their daughter, the doctors thought she had downs syndrome because of the measurement. So, the entire pregnancy, they were preparing for a downs baby. She came out perfectly healthy. I don't want to go through that agony if the only way to really know is when the baby comes out. (Please don't read this to think I think having a downs baby would be agony --- it's preparing and planning for something when it turns out you didn't have to --- that's the agony).

I'm a grateful mess. Grateful because of the obvious. A mess for other reasons. I just escaped a bladder infection (took a bunch of meds before it got bad); have been on anti-nausea meds, which makes me "infrequently void;" eating a ton of fiber to counteract that issue; had a minor freak out because I learned I'm not supposed to eat lunchmeat (3 turkey sandwiches too late); I walk funny because of all the bruising on my bum; and I frequently have to go to my car at work just to get some rest. All this while being so grateful for this God-given gift, and yet trying to function in life.

I have been able to wean off the estrogen pills, but am still two shots a day with the progesterone. I have another blood test tomorrow to see if my body is starting to produce it on its own (oh, please, Lord!). I catalogue the awful thoughts that we'll be on PIO shots until Christmas, or, gulp, for the whole 9 months. (You see how scary my mind is?)

But the biggest thing is that I've learned this pregnancy doesn't satisfy. It's not fulfilling. For as long and as much as I've wanted this -- it is NOTHING compared to what Christ has done to fill voids in my life. It was actually surprising and caught me a little off guard to realize this, and then when I did, I can't believe I ever thought otherwise. I can't believe how many times I tried to trump God by putting pregnancy on a pedestal.

Please don't misunderstand - I want this pregnancy, and I already love this baby inside of me. But nothing, no baby, no pregnancy, nothing, can ever complete me the way my relationship and salvation with God does. It has taken this blessing for me to realize that the true gift is in just Christ Himself. That's it.

I'm going to be a "professional" blogger!

God has asked, and I've said yes.

I just got a call from NEDC and they have asked me (along with a couple others) to be a blogger on their website, chronicling my journey through this experience.

Mind you, they have asked me, at different times, and by different people, on 4 different occassions now. I'd never really responded before, thinking, do I really want to be that vulnerable to THAT many people?

However, when I got the phone call today, I just felt God saying, "I want you to do this." I was convicted. It was confirmation that He wanted me to be vulnerable, and to trust what He is up to.

I believe He's called us to adopt, and this is one of our platform issues. NEDC said this blog site is sponsored through a grant, and the most popular portion of the site are the expectant moms. If I can in any way be a voice in the fog to those who are thinking about doing embryo adoption, it is an extreme honor and privilege, and I will do it, gladly.

And, bonus, I get paid! (It's not a lot, and I certainly would do it for free, but it makes me a "professional" blogger!)

A boy turns 2 and an embryo becomes a fetus

We celebrated our son's 2nd birthday this weekend with a Halloween costume party. Brae was Charlie Brown. Saturday, a bunch of toddlers and youngsters gathered at a warehouse full of inflatable jumping toys and had a ball! We were so blessed in that my sister and sister-in-law (and nephew!) each drove 3 hours to join the festivities, only to turn right around to drive back home (thank you girls!). And Brae was surrounded by lots of family and friends who love him.

Then Sunday, his actual birthday, we spent the day lounging around and I put together all of his toys (why are they so difficult to assemble?). It is such a blessing to have him in our lives. He's now counting to ten (in Spanish and English), and he can sing his ABC's with you. We've started working on identifying letters. He is OBSESSED with "b-ball", aka basketball. Seriously, you've never seen a boy more taken with an orange ball and a basket. This obsession is now about 2 months old, and I don't see it waning.

He is now sleeping in his big boy bed (until he falls out of it, which so far, has just happened once). And he is still using a binky (I know, bad mommy). I figure he'll get rid of it one day -- I mean, he's not going to be in kindergarten with a binky.... is he? It hasn't slowed down his chatter, and it seems to provide him some comfort, so what the heck. And yes, he may end up sucking his thumb, and if he does, he'll be just like his mommy. (if it sounds like I'm trying to justify using the binky when I know I shouldn't, you are exactly right).

And then shifting to Brae's sibling. Today was our 9 week ultrasound. This is when the embryo officially becomes a fetus. The ultrasound was the best so far (thank you Jesus!). The dr. said the baby was "giganormous," even though he/she is measuring 8 weeks, 6 days (plus or minus 1 day), which is just right. We got to hear the heartbeat and it was 174 (another miracle). We even got to see him/her kick a leg! All in all, a miracle in the making. And none of it has anything to do with me.

I'm generally in line with the camp of ladies who have the all-day sickness. (Please don't think I'm complaining -- I see each and every symptom as a reminder of a miracle, for which I am deeply grateful). I've thrown up once, and dry heave most every morning. Steadily, as the day wears on, I get a little less nauseous, as long as I'm eating small meals. Then, in the evening, the nausea creeps up again. It feels like really bad car sickness. That's my strongest symptom right now. The fatigue doesn't bother me as much as my stomach does. I get up about 5 times each night to go to the bathroom, and am not sleeping well because of the nausea. My boob.ies are sore and have this highway of blueish veins circulating around under the skin (sorry if TMI, but this is just fascinating to me). I've had to start unbuttoning some of my jeans, mostly because of the bloating. Next up is a visit with my "regular" Ob/gyn next Thursday.

Thank you so much to each of you who has steadily walked this journey with me. Your love, support, and prayers mean more than you can possibly know.

xoxo

Britney

A visit with the birthmother.

Yesterday was a very special day. We got to see Brae's birthmom for the first time since his birth nearly 2 years ago. Up until this time, she has not been ready to see him. Brae also got to see his biological grandmother and grandfather. But perhaps the most special treat was getting to meet his half sister for the first time, who is just 3 years older than him.

We met at a park in our BM's hometown. Tygh and Brae and I were down playing with some ducks when we saw her come down. I must say, I was relieved. I was a little afraid she may not show up.

We embraced and I told her how good it was to see her. She admitted to having a little bit of a panic attack in the car, and had changed her mind a few times as to whether or not she would come. I'm so grateful she did.

Brae was uncharacteristically shy at first, that is until his half-sister just bounded up to him and they started playing "tag." It was adorable. They are the spitting image of one another (as you can tell). And same personality, same giggle, even same facial expressions. It was priceless.

We made small talk, but mostly just watched the newly united siblings play. It was a surreal moment.

It was a brief visit -- only 45 minutes -- unlike the hours long visits with Brae's birthfather's side of the family. But I think it was exactly what our BM needed. She knew she had selected the meeting location -- a park -- that has absolutely no kid-friendly objects. No swings. No playground. Nothing. A bare, but beautiful, adult park. So the second the conversation waned just a little, I could tell she was ready to go.

As we walked back to our car, I told her I hoped we could do this every year. She looked at me and smiled, with tears in her eyes. I told her I wanted Brae to know who she was, and to know who his half-sister was.

She nodded in agreement. She wanted that too.

We embraced again. This time, it was long, and it was hard. She wouldn't let go. She hugged me with everything in her and we both said, "I love you."

I told her to not be a stranger.

And as we departed, Brae's half-sister waved and said, "Bye, brother."

I am blessed.

Two years ago tomorrow.

Two years ago tomorrow, I was in a strange place. We had just done IVF, and it had failed. We had been chosen by a birthmom to parent the child she carried, and she was due any day now. Yet, we hadn't heard anything from her for a while, and we didn't know if she was going to change her mind.

So, there I sat, just completely surrendered to whatever God was doing. I had a range of emotions going through me. I sat at my computer, and here are excerpts from what I wrote:

********************

"Today is October 23, 2008. For the last year and half, my amazing husband and I have been trying to conceive a child. It's been a long and weary road. There are so many things I want to share about this journey, so many incredible lows and unbelievable highs, and the glimpses of God's character I've witnessed, and yet, the journey is not over. About a month ago, we were chosen by a birthmom to adopt her unborn child. As of today, we are still waiting for that call telling us she is in labor and we can go meet our child. When this journey was over and I had a baby in my arms, then I wanted to give my testimony. I needed to know it would have a happy ending. And yet, as I sit here, I feel compelled to share my testimony now, before I know the outcome (will she change her mind?). And that scares me.

I believe God wants me to write this testimony now, no matter what the outcome is, because He will be the same. His character will be the same. It is so easy to be joyful and have faith when God is answering your prayers with a "yes," and pouring out blessings. It is much harder to be joyful when His face is hidden. And yet, He is the same through it all.

As a girl, you take life for granted and just presume God will allow you to get pregnant. Isn't that what He says in the Bible? Be fruitful and multiply. Aren't those with their quivers full of arrows supposed to be blessed? (Come to find out children are A gift from God; they are not THE gift).

During this very lonely time of miscarrying and then having IVF fail, I came across this great quote: "It is a glorious thing to know our Father in Heaven makes no mistake in directing or permitting that which crosses the path of our life. It is the glory of God to conceal a matter. It is our glory to trust Him, no matter what."

While on the adoption wait list, we had 9 failed leads. I felt lost. I felt abandoned. I felt like God had given up on me. I was being punished. I knew the only comfort I could find would be in God's Word, and yet I was so angry with Him. He'd taken away my hopes, my dreams, and I was forgotten. My prayers went unheard, unanswered, lost in the gap between here and heaven. Every door I knocked on was shut in my face. I was running into one brick wall after the other. And God just let me. Didn't God know I was going to give Him the glory if He gave me a baby? And didn't He want to be glorified?

I know now that God is not a Magic 8 ball. The heart of prayer is communication, and not just receiving what we ask.

I wish I could say there was one single turning point that just caused me to trust God. There was not. It was a progression. And it wasn't sequential. I'd have great strides in my faith, and then I would fall back into hopelessness and refuse to talk to God. At some point, though, I knew I was not walking by sight. I was walking by faith alone. I simply had to trust and believe my pain was not in vain. I was living out a purpose.

God's favor and His person are not synonymous. If my trust is in manifestations of God's blessing and favor on me rather than in God Himself, I will crumble and fail when He calls me to walk a distance of my journey entirely by faith, and not by sight.

I knew I was not waiting on man, I was waiting on God. I learned that when we sow in tears with the seed (God's Word), we will reap a harvest of joy. Don't give up. The harvest will come. That's just God's way.

My circumstances have not changed much in these last 18 months. I didn't have a baby then, and I don't today. But in my suffering, the circumstances of my heart are changed through a keen sense of God's presence and a lively perception of His activity.

And then I came across another quote: "God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because God knows the glory that is in store, He will risk being misunderstood. Yes, God wants us to have fulfilling, glorious, joyful lives. But He also wants us to have crowns to cast. Character to build. Rewards to receive. Testimonies to tell. Compassion to give. In the midst of those difficult times, God makes BOLD promises."

As I sit here and write this, on October 23, 2008, I don't know the end to this testimony. Will this be a testimony about answered prayer? Will this be a testimony about trusting God even in the midst of hopelessness? I believe it's both, but mostly, I believe it's a testimony about perserverence. It's a testimony about allowing God to prune you so you can be more fruitful. It's about knowing He is God despite my fluctuating circumstances. It's about knowing that my God is FOR me, not against me. He wants only the very best for me. He has a perfect plan for me. He's the God of perfect timing. I need to allow Him to give me that perfect gift, at the perfect time."

**************************

Six days after I wrote that, we got a call from our agency saying our birthmom was going to be induced in 2 days, and that tomorrow, we should start driving down to her hometown.

Eight days after I wrote that, our son was born. We were there, and I cut the cord.

Nine days after I wrote that, we brought our son home.

Six months after I wrote that, our baby boy was declared by the courts to be legally ours.

Now, nearly two years to the day that I wrote that, God has placed a sibling for our son in my womb through the miracle of embryo adoption.

What a journey.

What is really the best part.

The best part of this whole journey was not the positive pregnancy test. It was not seeing the doubling of the numbers. It was not seeing the heartbeat. It was not hearing the heartbeat. It was not even seeing the stronger heartbeat after the slower heartbeat.

The best part of this journey is not waiting for a baby bump, waiting for the baby shower, waiting to deliver, waiting to hold this child.

The best part of this journey is none of those.

The best part of this journey is the intimacy with my God that I've experienced. The best part of any wilderness season is the closeness and dependence you feel on your Savior. The best part of this trial is falling on my face each day (sometimes multiple times), thanking God in the midst of my circumstances, and relying on Him each day to provide for me.

That is, by far, the very best part of my life.

Thank you, Thank you.

Thank you for all of your prayers and thoughts. They mean so much to me!

The awesomely wonderful news is that our little diamond ring (that's what it look like on the screen) has a heart rate now of 121 bpm! And has grown from 2.8mm to 6.8mm in just 4 days!

Thank you, Jesus!

Next freak out will be at the 9 week appointment.... Just kidding! I'm trying really really hard to stress less, trust more! Thanks for bearing with me, ladies!

xoxo

Heartbeat.

I hesitated posting anything about this, but in the spirit of transparency and seeking support and prayer on this journey, I'm going to share.

As you know, we had our ultrasound on Monday. I was "six weeks, zero days," as the doctor kept reminding me. The heartbeat was 90 bpm. She said that was fine, considering I was, again, "six weeks, zero days."

However, I had my phone consult today with NEDC and my dr. there was slightly concerned that the heart rate was on the slower side. He suggested I get an ultrasound in the next few days. Being me, that has to be tomorrow. He'd like to see a heartbeat around/over 100 by tomorrow.

I'm writing to ask for your prayers. Please pray that this little being is growing strong and healthy and that we see a strong heartbeat tomorrow.

I'm clinging to a verse sent to me today by a dear friend:

"blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45

I know that this baby never was, nor will ever be mine. It is God's gift to me, but this child is ultimately His. I know and trust that He is in control and He was not surprised that we've encountered this bump. I continue to cling to the belief that we will deliver this child.

That's all I have and all I can do.

God spoke.

We had our 6 week ultrasound today.... and saw (and heard!) one heartbeat!

It was funny because the doctor at my outside monitoring facility walked in and said, "You are 6 weeks, zero days today. I do not expect to see a hearbeat. WE (our facility) does not schedule ultrasounds until at least 7.5 weeks. "

I didn't know how to respond to this, so I just clenched my husband's hand tighter, kept my arm over my face, and just prayed.

Sure enough, there was that blessed flicker. A hearbeat. I squeezed my husband's hand even tighter.

Then she said, "You know, you normally can't hear a heartbeat, but you're so thin, we might be able to." And sure enough, "chug... chug... chug...chug". 90 beats per minute, which she said was good for again, repeating very sternly to me "Just 6 weeks, Zero days."

Now to the title of this post. God is amazing (duh). But I'd been praying earnestly and trying to seek His voice. I was starting to get confused between His voice, and my own voice of fear. Every once in a while, I'd get some clarity, but then my Fear Voice would just trample all over it.

But in the midst of the chaos, God has been telling me for a while that He took one baby home, but that we'd see a heartbeat today.

And that's just what He did.

Just some honesty.

I'm told we're pregnant. I believe we're pregnant. Yet, some days, I don't "feel" pregnant. And that worries me. I start getting all anxious and in a tizzy, and it's just a mess.

In those moments, I fall flat on my face, confess it, and just pray that God continues to grow this baby(ies) inside of me.

I confess I compare my beta number with others (I'm sorry --I crinkle my nose to even say that out loud). I try not to get wrapped up in symptoms (or lack thereof), but I do.

And it's in these times when I'm flat on my face, just crying out, that God just comforts me. He tells me to rely on Him, not symptoms. To trust Him, not a number. That it's in these times when I don't "feel" preggo, that I need to remind myself of what I believe He's told us from the beginning -- this will be a sustained pregnancy that will result in a healthy delivery. But it's between now and this point where I'm going to have to trust Him, repeatedly.

Someone who struggled with infertility once told me that she thought the worrying stopped with a positive pregnancy tset. Then she thought it would stop with an ultrasound. Then she thought it would stop with a heartbeat. Then she thought it would stop with the second trimester. Then she thought it would stop when she got to the hospital to deliver. Then she thought it would stop when that baby was in her arms. And now, as a mom to a living, breathing child, she realized you never stop worrying for your child.

To be a mom means that you agree to forever have your heart live outside of your body.

I agree with that.

Lord -- I hold this baby (or babies) with lose and open hands. They were never mine to begin with, and even when (not if!) I deliver it/them, I will only continue to be the steward of this gift on earth.

More than doubled!

Just got our second beta back. First number was 77. Second number was 175.2! (And actually, the tests were taken just shy of 48 hours from one another). Next step is ultrasound!

I am in shock. In disbelief. I'm shaking. I can't stop thanking Jesus for this gift. This free gift that I did nothing to deserve. I'm not worthy of this gift. It's just a free expression of His love. (Please don't take this to mean that all the other times when He didn't give this gift, or to those He has not yet given this gift, means that He DOESN'T love me/us).

I'm just speechless. And so thankful.

And you will never, ever hear me complain about any of the symptoms. Each precious symptom is a simple reminder of the miracle.

"Good News"

We are pregnant! Our beta came back at 77. I finally took a HPT and it was positive!

The sweet, sweet God story behind this is that last night, I got on my knees as I usually do and just prayed and cried out. And then I listened for God to speak. He did, and He said the same thing I've heard from Him before -- "Trust Me."

Except, last night, I heard something else. It was just a still, small voice that said also, "You will get good news tomorrow." And then it just vanished. I believed it to be God, but was still in shock.

And on my way to meet my husband today so we could listen to the voice mail from Nurse Mary together, I was shaking with nerves. Crying. And Jesus and I had a conversation. It went something like this:

Me: Jesus, was that you last night when you said that?
Jesus: Yes. You will get good news today.
Me: Because You know I'm going to question everything I think I've ever heard from you if it's not good news.
Jesus: I know that.
Me: Are you really here, Jesus? Talking to me?
Jesus: Yes.

And then, the first thing out of Nurse Mary's sweet Tennessean mouth on my voice mail, "Britney, it's good news."

*******************************

Of course, we all know this is very early and we're not out of the woods yet. However, I'm going to pray, choosing to believe, with great faith and expectation, that this is a viable pregnancy and we will be blessed with a child. However, I also believe this pregnancy will try my faith like no other, and I'm going to be asked to trust Him to the bitter end.

Thank you, Jesus!

I am afraid.

I am afraid. I am afraid for the phone call that will come Tuesday afternoon. I am afraid the news will not be good.

God knew this. And He told me to come to church today. Because our pastor was going to talk about f.e.a.r.

The message today was about when Jesus went into the Garden of Gethsemene shortly before His death. He knew He was going to die. And it was going to be a very painful death on the cross. He was terrified. Horrified. Scared out of His mind.

And what did He do? He prayed. He cried out in inutterable words the feelings of His heart. And He asked God to spare Him the pain. He begged God to "take the cup" from Him so He wouldn't have to go through all the agony.

But, then, He did something remarkable. In the midst of those cries, He surrendered to God's will. He BEGGED His father to not have Him go through an agonizing death on the cross, but then, immediately after, He said that if it was God's will for Him to do so, He wanted that more. He wanted what God wanted more than to be spared the pain. (And can you imagine where we'd all be if God had shown mercy to Jesus at that point and spared Him the cross? Yikes).

So, here I am, not nearly in the same level of fear, but I am afraid.

We are going through a series now called "the Jesus experiment", where we are challenged to live like Christ. So, in my fear, I'm surrendering (yes, again). I'm asking (begging, really) that God spare us the pain of another "failure".

However, in the next breath, I'm asking that His will be done. I know it's a better plan, from a better perspective, than my own.

Facebook posting from second donor.

I have tears in my eyes. I am in awe at the goodness of our God.

I (ashamedly) admit that I voyeur our second donor's Facebook profile (have not friend requested). But her profile allows you to see her wall postings. This is the donor from Michigan whose embryos were not thawed this time because our "first" donors' thawed and were transferred.

Anyway, I just saw her Facebook posting and am moved to tears:

"The couple who adopted our embryos did their first transfer over the weekend. The first donors thawed good so they used theirs first (they will use ours next time, hopefully in a couple of years). Please everyone pray for this family that they are pregnant. They are the nicest, sweetest family."


And.. bonus... 7 people "liked" it and 3 said they are praying for us!

Wow. I'm so humbled.

If it's negative.

If the beta is negative, it will not be my fault.

I know you all are going "duh!", but for me, this is an important truth I need to understand. You see, I am a master at self-preservation and have had this mountain of a wall around me to protect my heart from another phone call saying, to me, that I failed. Again.

This is an area I'm really trying to work on in my life. And I believe God has used our infertility struggle to help me change this attitude.

So, if it is negative, all it means is that God said "no" or "not yet", and He allowed this pregnancy to not be viable. I will still believe that He directed us on this path, but I may not understand the purpose. Maybe not even on this side of heaven. If it is negative, I didn't do anything wrong. God is bigger than my failing body, so if He wanted it, it could have happened. That it didn't, I can't control.

If it is negative, I will continue to praise Him. It will definitely be a choice, not necessarily driven by feeling. It will be a step of obedience taken without the assurance of a changed circumstance or the elimination of a trial. It will be praise focused on God, not the circumstance, and I will fix my gaze upon God's truth and His character instead of the trial at hand.

THE OUTCOME IS NEITHER MY RESPONSIBILITY NOR MY GOAL.

Praise begins and ends with faith in the very nature, personality, and integrity of God. And that never changes.

No matter what lies ahead, God is faithful.

At this point, these embryos are either with Jesus, or God willing, we will be able to introduce them to Him. I can't be too upset about either one of those.

And from a practical standpoint, we still have 4 embryos we have adopted who have donors that are counting on us.

So, unless God directs us otherwise, we will return to Tenn in November.

** On a side note, I plan on taking the the blood test Tuesday, and working from home the rest of the day. I will not answer any phone call from Tenn until Tygh is with me. And, if it's negative, I will be sad. I will cry. It will hurt. And I plan on arming myself with a one-pager of uplifting statements and verses to ward off the lies that will otherwise be piling up in my head. If any of you have some positive, inspirational sayings or verses you'd like to share (and that you'd want to hear in my position), please pass them on.

An email from our donor.

This evening, I received the most amazing email from our first donor, whom I had emailed earlier to tell her the results.

This is an excerpt from her email. I am so truly humbled and honored to have been a part of this process.

"When I received this email I was with my daughter walking into Saturday Mass. I had such a sense of overwhelming peace when I read it just outside the church. It feels like our (and I'm including both of you in the "our") babies have found their home. This feels like it was written in God's plans and it is so very right. I spent the mass praying and thanking God for the two babies, asking that they find their new home with their mommy a safe and healthy place to develop into full term babies. You both have been an answer to our prayers."

Wow. Just wow.

PUPO with twins!

Let's start with the positive news -- Tygh and I are officially PUPO with twins! This is not necessarily unfamiliar territory because we have been PUPO with twins before (IVF). But these twins we have adopted.

Now for the news to get to that positive news.

I was initially bummed that our appointment was at 1:30 today. However, that ended up being a tremendous blessing in disguise. Last night, I was privileged to have dinner with a fellow EA mom who had her transfer on Thursday -- also PUPO with twins. She and her husband introduced us to Calhoun's -- The Best of Tennessee restaurant. Barbeque you could die for! It was an awesome evening of fellowship. They prayed for us twice, and once with Tygh putting his hand on my belly. Prayed that God had created the optimum level in my womb to receive these embryos, and that they would snuggle in and continue to grow. I feel so blessed to have connected with her -- Thank you Krisa!

When we got back to the hotel, Tygh and I were both beat. But apparently not beat enough to cause a restful sleep. I was up every 2 hours going pee (sensitive bladder, especially when I'm anxious/excited/nervous), and Tygh was just restless all night too. So we did get a chance to at least be restless together until about 10 am this morning.

Then I took some of my meds I'm supposed to take -- one of them a heavy duty antibiotic. That I took on an empty stomach. Bad. Bad. Bad idea. (TMI warning) -- I puked in the toilet. Just a few hours before the transfer.

Then we got to the clinic and, during our mock trial in June, I had overfilled my bladder and it was MISERABLE. So this time, I tried to pace myself. I have a history of UT infections, so I have an especially sensitive bladder. However, I was apparently not full enough and so they had to put a catheter in me and fill me up to the brim. They they squirted ALCOHOL inside of me. Can you talk about major major major burning? I went through 4 nurse hands because I was squeezing so hard and crying. So painful. They kept telling me to just relax. And one of the nurses, bless her heart, tried to "take me to the beach" in my mind. My beach was not warm and sandy. It was rainy and rocky. Not good at mental visuals when I'm in pain.

Then they transferred the 2 embryos. They had thawed three, but one didn't survive. The 2 are from our "first" donor, from Ohio. The embryologist graded them 3AA and 4AB, and they were expanding blasts. I don't pretend to know all of what that means, except I think the best of the best is a grade of 6AA with hatching blasts. But God is in control.

Then I rested in the recovery room and had a bedpan for the whole time. Such a relief! And I got to meet Ashley -- another blogger. What a treat. And then I connected with a girl in the "curtain" over from me. It was so neat to be able to trade stories while we're both flat on our back, curtains in between us so we can't even see each other, and bedpans under our bums. Good times.

So, just learned that our blood test is the 28th. If it is positive, we go back the 30th.

I can say I am not confident this is going to result in a pregnancy. But I have peace. I feel good, calm, rested. This has definitely been a worthwhile journey, regardless of the result.

And, if it doesn't work this month, we have 4 more embryos we have adopted from Michigan, so we will return in November to transfer those. If that doesn't work, we plan to seek God's will and listen to His leading, but expect to be back on the domestic list early next year.

Ps. 139 14-18
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
and my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

Appointment set!

I just learned that our appointment will be at 1:30 p.m. on Saturday. It's later than I thought it would be, but I'm told the time is set.

I'm trying to see this change in the positive light. Maybe Tygh and I can go for a walk in lovely Knoxville in the morning!

Update #2.

I just spoke with NEDC. I feel much better.

They said that the doctor said that we just adjusted my medication 2 weeks ago and it's really too soon to re-test it. It normally takes 4-6 weeks for a medication adjustment to take place when it comes to thyroid medicine. So even though I'm still over corrected (and even a little worse than before), he didn't seem concerned.

Transfer is not cancelled.

She assured me that it is better to be over corrected than under corrected. She also said that there does not appear to be a link between frozen embryo transfer success rate when it comes to hyperthyroidism. She said they will re-check me after the transfer.

And finally, she said that the Doctor would NOT do this transfer if he felt at all uncomfortable with it or that it would affect my chances at pregnancy. He wouldn't do that for me, but most importantly, he wouldn't do that for these embryos. And knowing what I know about him, I believe that.

She chided me (rightfully so) for getting on the internet and snooping. She said she highly advises against that when it gets to this close to a transfer.

I just need to relax. (In my defense, hyperthyroidism does increase your natural levels of anxiety, heart palpitations, insomnia, etc.). So I recognize I may be a little coo-coo for cocoa puffs right now.

Bear with me. I am getting a massage the night before we leave.

Update.

We had our progesterone shot this morning and, praise God, it went off without a hitch. I had put on this numbing creme and I literally did not feel a thing. We also ended up using a smaller gauge needle, which may have helped.

But because of the timing of when I need to do my am shots, Tygh will not be able to do them. So my co-worker/friend has graciously offered to do the am ones for me. Tomorrow, I'll be lying on the floor of my office, door shut, with my dear friend angling a needle at my bum. Sounds lovely.

And my thyroid. Boy oh boy. I still don't know what is going on. Tennessee is doing transfers today, so I may not hear back until later. I got on the internet (bad bad bad) and saw all these things about hyperthyroidism and infertility and miscarriage.

My spirits are pretty low right now. I've never had any confidence this will work (my protective mechanism), and now it seems pretty near impossible. (I recognize I may be a bit overdramatic right now, but it's been a rough morning).

My dear friend gave me this verse today and I'm clinging to it. I'll update when I hear from the doctor.

Hebrews 13:5: "For God Himself has said I will not in any way fail you, nor give you up, nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless, nor foresake you, nor let you down, or relax my hold on you. Assuredly not!"

Thyroid.

Ack. I had my thyroid tested again yesterday and I'm still overcorrected -- in fact, even worse than I was two weeks ago.
I'm just at a loss. I've notified the doctor but I'm just feeling very defeated in this area.

Blood draw and ultrasound.

I had my ultrasound and estradiol blood test today. I know they had wanted to see a uterine lining of 8. When the doctor did the first measurement, it was 7.5. I panicked. Then he did it from a different angle, and it was 8.5. I sighed. A little.
Then I silently freaked out. I've been hearing of other ladies whose linings are like 11, 13, etc. I was feeling inferior, if I must be honest.
And then Dr. Keenan called. Dr. Keenan never calls. Why isn't his nurse calling? I panicked again. He was going to tell me my lining was not thick enough and my estradiol was too low and we have to cancel this month's transfer.

He did not.

He said the lining was good, even though I expressed my doubt. He laughed and told me to not be jealous. (Ha ha). He gave me the rest of my protocol -- I go down to taking estradiol 2/day starting tomorrow. We also start the progesterone shots in the morning.

I'm scared to death of these shots. Not the actual shot itself, but my dear husband who will be administering them. He's terrified of needles and I'm afraid he's not going to be able to do it.

We are supposed to meet with our clinic here tomorrow to have them walk us through it.

Dear God, this is my big prayer request now -- please please let Tygh be able to do these shots and they go off perfectly. Amen.

Birthfamily visit #2

Yesterday was a very special day. Our son got to see his birthfather for the first time since he was born.

Last year, we met at the zoo with Chris's (birthfather) mom, aunt, and grandma. But Chris didn't come.

This year, we were thrilled to learn that not only did Chris want to come, but so did about 9 other family members.

When we arrived at the zoo, Chris was standing in the corner, hands in pocket. You could tell he didn't quite know how to act. Tygh was amazing. He went right up to him, shook his hand, and said "Hey, man, it's been a while. How are you?"

Chris beamed.

Then I took Brae over to Chris. You see, for the last couple of weeks, each night before going to bed, Brae and I would look at a picture of Chris from the hospital the day Brae was born. We'd say "Hi, Chris. We'll see you at the zoo." Then we'd say "Night-night, Chris."

So when I took Brae to meet Chris standing in the corner, I said, "Brae, this is Chris. Remember we said we'd see him at the zoo?" Lightbulb went off.

Brae smiled and said, "Night-night, Chris."

The visit was great. We didn't have our caseworker there, so I was worried we'd struggle for conversation or ice breakers. That was not the case. It was definitely a little awkward at first (how can it not be?), but we all eased into eachother. For the love of a little boy.

Chris's mom and grandma pulled me aside at separate times throughout the visit and just expressed how grateful they were to us. How they were so glad that we were Brae's parents. They were thankful that Chris chose to come. They thought it would be good for him. To see how happy Brae is, and how he is thriving.

Chris's mom gave me some pictures of Chris when he was Brae's age. For the first time, I could not only see the resemblance between the two of them, but was astonished at their physical likeness when they were that age. It startled me because I'd always thought Brae looked like Rachael. I still think he looks more like her, but it was neat to see the physical features compared with Chris.

There were a few sort of, gulp, hold my breath times. I encouraged Chris to push Brae in the stroller, to carry him, and to put him on his shoulders. Chris did, and although it didn't come quite naturally, he eased into it. Tygh would even give him some pointers on how to hold Brae on his shoulders. But, inevitably, after a while, Brae would wiggle out of Chris's arms and reach out and call "Daddy!" to Tygh.

I knew those moments were going to happen, and in my mind, I had half-heartedly hoped they would. But instantly, when it actually did, I regretted thinking that I ever wanted to see that. It was uncomfortable. I didn't want it to hurt Chris. Yes, Tygh is Brae's Daddy. But here is a young man (barely 21) who stepped out and made a bold move by driving 3 hours to see his biological son. I didn't want to see him hurt.

So, when it happened, Tygh and I immediately stepped up to "re-direct" Brae. "Look, Brae! A tiger! Grrr." That helped. You could see the look of relief pass across Chris. A feeling of -- what was it, exactly? Being spared public rejection by his biological son in favor of his father who adopted him? Perhaps.

In all, the visit was great. We took pictures and we all swooned over Brae. It was neat to see all the love surrounding this little boy. What made me most glad was that each one of them got to see some of the things I love most about my son. Like when he throws his head back and does his signature laugh. Or when he clenches all the muscles in his body to show you how strong he is. Or when he jumps. Or spins. Or dances. How he just wants to make other people laugh. They got to see all of that.

As we said our goodbyes and Brae gave everyone hugs (yes, he reached out to give each one of them a hug), and piled Brae back in the car along with all his birthday presents they brought for him, a strange sensation overwhelmed me. For the last year, we've been on this embryo adoption path. For the last several weeks, I've pondered how much "easier" things would be if we were just back on the domestic adoption list. At least I know a baby would come to us that way. Eventually.

But, as we drove away and I saw in the rear view mirror Brae's biological family waving to us, I thought, "Do I really want to go through all of that again? Do I really want to be on the list, waiting, again. Yes, we had an amazing adoption experience, but I know that won't be possible the next time around. Do I want to be wondering if a birthmom will change her mind? Do I want to get entwined with another biological family again?"

And the answer is, "no, but I want another child, a sibling for Brae, and if that is God's plan, then He'll pull me through it."

So here I sit, on a Sunday evening, on the cusp of going to Tennessee in the hopes of bringing home a sibling for Brae. I hope that is God's plan and will. But if not, He'll pull me through it.

Inspiration.

In 10 days, we will be in Tennessee.

I am putting together an "inspiration" list of some of my favorite Bible verses and inspirational sayings friends have given to me over the years.

Some favorites:

"Trust in God's word and power more than you trust your own feelings and experiences."

"May we fear attempting to remove ourselves from the hands of our heavenly Guide, or missing even one lesson of His loving discipline due to our discouragement and doubt."

"The greatest challenge in receiving great things from the Lord is holding on for the last half hour."

... and then, the motherlode:

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

What this means (to me)...

1. A heart's legitimate desire necessitates a wait. It endures the test of time. A sustained longing is not changed by mood or hormonal levels or circumstance. It is strengthened by time. Things of great esteem and value take time.

2. God will trump the desires of our heart if it affects our destiny. God will never say "no" flippantly or without a reason. If you have desired something and seasons have changed without fruition of that desire, look for what is present and not what is absent. The very thing that we lack or desire will be used by God to bring us to our destiny. Everything you seem to desire gets your focus on what you lack, but God does not turn a deaf ear to you. God hears your longings, and God is still good!

3. There is a place in our relationship with God where we will know the greatest delight and you will come to a place where you will be someone that you never thought you could be. Delight in God is a demonstration of our faith and a natural outpouring of our great love for Him. Delight is like laughing, when you pitch your head back and laugh with great joy. We were created to delight in our Father.

4. Nothing is passive about patiently waiting for desire to turn into delight. "Be still before the Lord." Psalms 37:7. To be still means to stop. Hold your peace. Be silent. Just listen.

5. God did not come into your life to be your priority. He came to be your life! He is not just the most important thing in your life. He is your life.

In sum, this Psalm of David means that if you delight in the Lord, He becomes your greatest desire -- you want only to know more of Him -- and that is the satisfaction of your heart's greatest desire.

Amen, sista!

It is September.

This is the month for which we have been waiting for nearly a year now.

This is the month that we will adopt our embryos.

This is the month that I may be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). This is also the month my heart could be broken (again).

Plane ticket. Check.

Hotel reservation. Check.

Car rental. Check.

Babysitter/dogsitter. Check. (Thanks, Mom).

Adoption agreements are signed and notarized, and about to be put in the mail.

Lord, Your will be done. My hands are open. You give, and You take a way. And still, I will choose to say, blessed be Your name. I've surrendered. I'm vulnerable. I want this to work. I really, really do. My great prayer request is that each of Ohio's embryos are thawed and survive, and that the transfer results in a pregnancy and a live birth. I want this.

I see a hazy fog ahead. And I'm about to walk into it.

Update.

I heard back from Tenn and the (very sweet) nurse emphasized that it was "ok", that we can correct it. Love the optimism!
So looks like I'm going to alter between a higher and lower dosage every other day. I'm going to take my 125 mcg tomorrow, and my 150 mcg the next day, so on and so on.
I think it will take at least a couple weeks to see the results of this new regime, but I hope to have at least one more test before the transfer.

On another note, I heard back from Michigan! What a sweet, sweet gal. She even sent pictures! And Ohio just released her email address, so I sent my "get to know you" email to her.

Funny thing -- they both have daughters with the same name. Yet, the daughters are about 7 years apart (interesting with name trends and all).

Strangely beautiful.

I cheated.

On Friday, I broke down and went to the doctor for a thyroid test (my "official" 6 week test will be Sept 7). I'd been feeling very tired lately and feared that my thyroid had raised the white flag and given up on working with me.
Today, I got the results.
Not what I expected. My level is now .17 and I've swung the other way and now am hypERthyroid (vs. hypothyroid). So, I'm overcorrected. My primary doc said to cut back the dosage, but I don't know what that means, in practical terms. I suppose it means that I'm not taking my dosage tomorrow.
For those of you new to the wonderful world of that butterfly gland in your throat that controls EVERYthing in your body, hyperthyroidism means my body is producing too much of the thyroid gland. In pregnancy, it is very dangerous as it can often result in miscarriage. So, as you can imagine, it's critical that my thyroid be at the right place prior to the transfer on September 18. The "right" place is between 1-2. So, we're definitely a lot closer than we were in June when my level was at 13, but it's still not quite right.
I have an email into our nurse at NEDC to see what they say.
As an echo to the prayer from my new friend Krisa, I just pray that Dr. K has wisdom to know what to do, and that ultimately, God as the all-powerful physician, will perform a no small feat in my body and get this gland to *finally* cooperate so that at transfer time, I can be in the "best" shape I can be.

Update.

We just heard from our caseworker that Michigan is open to a more "open" arrangement than they originally thought! Yay! We talk to our caseworker in less than an hour and we'll know more. I'm also waiting for the email address of Ohio so I can send my first official hola letter to them and hopefully build a baby step (pun intended) relationship.
I also have my first ultrasound and labs today.
More to report later!

Update: I sent my first email off to Michigan! We'll see how that goes... ; ) Waiting for Ohio's address so I can email them! We've also "approved" each openness agreement. Now we wait to see if the donors agree, and then we get them notarized, and we've officially "adopted" our embryos.
I had my first ultrasound and blood test today. It's just a baseline to make sure my uterine home is clean before they start adding all the baby-proofing stuff.
Of interesting note: Two years ago, when we did IVF, the doctor only counted 9 resting follicles. That's when they thought I had an ovarian reserve issue (normal for my age is 15). A year ago, when we did our clinical trial, they counted 16 follicles. At the time, the doctor had no medical explanation for that (you are supposed to lose follicles over time). One doctor opined that maybe it was because I was eating more organic food. I had to chuckle at that. So today, to my surprise, the doctor counted 20 resting follicles. Maybe it's my gluten-free diet this time (chuckle). I think not. I think God may have something to do with it.
Doesn't matter none for this cycle, but just nice to see God work in mysterious ways.

Further update: Tennessee just called and said "everything looks great." Translation -- I'm on my period and have no chance of ovulating. Only in this small universe of FETs with EA does someone with infertility consider that "great". Start estrogen tomorrow!

Openness Agreements

Yay! We just received the "interview" reports from our adoption agency and their discussions with each donating family.

The reports are incredibly thorough and basically are their lives on paper. As I was reading Ohio's intently (and skimming a little), I felt butterflies aflutter when I scrolled to where it talked about openness. I have been *dying* to communicate via email with our donors prior to the transfer. I want to get to know these people, and I try not to think about if EA doesn't work, what that means for our "relationship." But for some reason, getting to know our donors is one of the most EXCITING things about this process. Is that weird? (probably).

In any case, when I saw that Ohio was willing to communicate directly with me via email before the transfer (like right now!), I just closed my eyes and said, "thank you, Lord," and breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. I'm already drafing my first email in my head. Ok. Yes. I am weird.

So once I got past that paragraph, I was able to relax a bit and actually go back and read Ohio's profile thoroughly. I just soaked it all in. You guys -- this was not an "accidental" match. God completely orchestrated this match. (As I knew always it would be, but seeing words on paper about our beloved Ohio couple, just confirmed it). In fact, in a strange way, it feels similar to how it was when we first met our birthmom. Just. Right. Like this is what we've waited for.

I felt the exact same way when I read Michigan's interview (although I'm less certain if Michigan wants to communicate directly right now).

I still don't know our purpose in all of this -- it may or may not be a baby. And I'm slowly getting "okay" with that. I'm trying to just have open hands in all of this. God gives, and He takes away. I'm reminded of that daily.

We also got a copy of the openness agreement, a bunch of legalese. We get to talk with our case worker in just over an hour. So more to post later!

Update: We just spoke with our case worker. Not much more to report. I'll review the openness agreement and give the written okay that we'd like to start email communication with Ohio. The caseworker is set to meet with Michigan tomorrow night, and we have another meeting with our caseworker Thursday morning. Michigan is a little more hesitant about the openness process -- don't know how much, when, etc.

This is starting to get a little more exciting. ; )

I'm ready again.

For newborn diapers. For sleeping only 3 hours at a time. For expensive formula. For that infant cry. For that smell. For all of it.

A year ago, I was not. Even a month ago, I was not. I've slowly been getting close, but I'm officially there. I want to go back there again. I'm ready.

Our precious boy is now almost 2 years old. I've loved every second of being with him (yes, even during the temper tantrums and blow out diapers). But I'm ready to give him a sibling.

I'm even ready to forego the pregnancy to just have the baby. Here. I'm ready.

Yes, we'll still go forward with EA. Yes, we will go back as many times as it takes (probably just twice) until each embaby we're adopting has been given the best chance at life.

But then, if it doesn't work (I'm hoping for the best, preparing/expecting the worst), I'm eager to get back on the adoption wait list again and wait for God to bring us our next child. (I'm, of course, praying that is His will!)

I'm sure it will be a long wait (returning families tend to have longer waits), but I'm just ready to be on the list again. Thankfully, since our homestudy is already done, it should (hopefully) be just a matter of some paperwork (and a rather large check) and then we can wait (im)patiently for our baby to arrive.

I'm ready for it all again. I want my toddler boy, and I want my next baby.

First shot.

I wasn't really nervous until just a few minutes before I had to do the first shot. Then my heart started pounding. I hate needles. But I have to do this. Tygh has already left for the morning and it's up to me.
So I get out the needle, put the medicine in, pinch some skin on my belly, and inject. The pain of the poke only lasts a second, and before I know it, the medicine is in and it's over. It happened so quickly, I actually second guessed whether I had put the right amount of medicine in the syringe.
But it's over now. The first poke has happened. We're in this. In just about a month, God willing, we'll be in Tennessee adopting our embryos. Sometimes, waves of excitement flood over me, but I just can't allow them to linger for too long. Then I just remember the phone call after our IVF, and it quickly hastens me back to reality.
Neither Tygh nor I feel confident this will work. Maybe that's just a protective mechanism. I have friends for whom IVF and EA worked, and friends for whom they did not I can just as easily be in one category as another.
Lord, thank you that the first shot was "easy". Please just continue to calm my spirit and my heart as this journey proceeds. This is all Yours. We're just following You. We trust Your purpose in all of this, for we know it is ultimately goodness.

Over it (almost).

Forewarned... more honest and raw thoughts...

I am (almost) over the desire to be pregnant. Instead of it being a huge flaming bonfire that consumes my daily thoughts, its now mostly a steady, but waning, flame.

Although this must have been coming on slowly, it didn't really hit me until last night. Yes, I would love to be pregnant, but at what cost? Before we decided to do EA, we were "trying" for so long to get pregnant. And, contrary to popular belief, that can be so un-fun. So, we're over that. I much prefer to have a "normal -not - trying" intimacy life with my husband than the timed and scheduled intimacy life that controlled and consumed so much of our time.

And now, with EA, at what cost am I pursuing my desire to become pregnant? I'm staring down the barrel of consuming myself with needles, ultrasounds, blood tests, long flights, bed rests, and abstaining from picking up my son and twirling him around above me. That last one is particularly hard to swallow. I love to pick up my son, hold him above me, and bury my face in his belly and tickle him as he laughs uncontrollably. I won't be able to do that for at least a week after I get home. That may sound like not a lot of time, and I can hear the responses in my head, "well, it may be worth it!" Is it? Really? It would only be "worth" it if I ended up pregnant. But is THAT even worth it? Again, I seem to be elevating my own desire for pregnancy over the son I already have. That doesn't sit well with me.

The only reason we pursued EA over another traditional adoption was to fulfill this desire in me to be pregnant. And now, well, honestly, I'm just slowly losing that strong desire. And I'm THANKFUL for that.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of mixed feelings about it, too. I still very much WANT to be pregnant. That desire will remain until it is fulfilled or God takes it away. But that desire is starting to take a back seat to my desire to JUST GROW MY FAMILY AND BE A MOM. I know pregnancy is not the only way to do that. And if my desire for pregnancy starts chipping away at growing my family and being a mom to my son, then I need to shelve that desire. Which, thankfully, God seems to be doing for me.

I want this EA to work. We feel led to pursue this path. Please don't mistake that. I want this EA, the first time, to result in pregnancy and allow me to experience what it's like to have a physical life grow inside of me. I do want that. If it doesn't work the first time, I think we will probably go back a second time until each of the 7 embryos we are adopting has been tried. But after that, I really think we're done. Done with it all. Buh-bye needles, buh-bye any kind of fertility treatment, buh-bye calendars and ultrasounds and blood tests and slowly depleting our bank account. Buh-bye timed intimacy, buh-bye ovulation kits, buh-bye pregnancy tests, and buh-bye painful phone calls from nurses telling us that, yet again, our monthly desire for a pregnancy has fallen short.

I'm DONE with all of that. My desire for pregnancy is not as strong as my desire to return to a "normal" life and be my husband's girlfriend, and my son's mother. We will continue to grow our family by pursuing domestic adoption. I will still long and pray to be pregnant, but that desire will no longer be allowed to roam free in my world and take up residency where other things -- like just living life -- should be.

PS -- I have a TON of mixed feelings about this entire post. But, in my raw honesty, I share them anyway.

Medication Protocol.

The meds arrived the other day. A big cardboard box on my front stoop.

I opened the box up and got a sick, sick feeling in my stomach when I saw ALL those needles and medications. All this paperwork to read. It brought me back to the IVF cycle (almost 2 years to the date). I felt physically ill. Do I REALLY want to go through this again?

If you have never done IVF (or a FET or embryo adoption), something changes in you once you poke that first needle. You become a slave to a calendar, to ultrasound appointments, to blood tests. It is not fun. For me, this time around, I'm really not looking forward to it.

Today, I received my medication protocol. I feel so overwhelmed. Here it is in a nutshell (I'm writing this mostly for my benefit as I can't see that the following is interesting to anyone):

8/17: start Lupron
8/21: stop birth control pills; continue with Lupron
8/26: ultrasound and labs
8/27-30: start Estrace; continue with Lupron
8/31-9/4: increase Estrace; continue with Lupron
9/5: stop Lupron
9/5-9/13: increase Estrace
9/13: ultrasound and labs
9/14: start progesterone (aka the "ouch" shot) 1x/day; continue Estrace
9/15-9/16: progesterone 2x/day

Then I just get confused by what goes on 9/17 and 18, but the transfer is set for the 18th.

As you can imagine, I have a call into the nurse because I'm utterly confused by a lot of this.

Lord -- I feel overwhelmed and just exhausted by looking at all of this. Please give me peace that this will all work out how You want it to. I pray that my "body home" will be in the best shape it can be to welcome these new little lives. And from there, well, it's all up to You. Do as You see fit.

Amen.

Some raw honesty.

I ordered our medicine today.

I feel neither good nor bad about that. Probably a little scared. You see, I've been down this road before -- kind of -- with IVF -- almost 2 years to the date. And it failed. I harbor no expectation that embryo adoption will work. I'm hopeful, but very very cautious and very guarded. I know that God is sovereign. I know that He already knows the outcome. I'm not afraid of my God, but I am reverently fearful of Him and His will and His perfect plan for my life. It may not be my idea of my perfect plan. But, if I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. I take this to mean that if I delight myself in my God, then my desires become His desires. I start to want what HE wants for me. Sure, I still have my fleshly desires to be pregnant and carry a child. I believe He placed those in me and, God willing, one day He will fulfill them, or take them away. I believe that.

But I'm not looking forward to this. This is my raw honesty. I'm not looking forward to the needle injections again. I'm not really looking forward to flying halfway across the country to Tennessee again (although they are a lovely bunch!). I'm not looking forward to 48 hours of bedrest. I'm not looking forward to abstaining from picking up my beautiful (but over 25 pound!) 21-month-old that I love so dearly (not allowed to pick him up for 2 weeks). And I'm really not looking forward to the beta test. (I will not stress myself out with a pregnancy test beforehand).

You see, I've received THAT call many many times before. Negative. Then I sob uncontrollably, yell at God, and curse at my body. So I'm a little guarded.

I don't know what my purpose is in this. I just know that we feel led on this path, but it may not be for a pregnancy. It may be to "release" these lives on hold to heaven. And although I don't like being the "martyr" for that cause, here I am. I feel I am being obedient.

We've turned down at least 2 leads for domestic adoption to continue on this path. We've put our own plans for a domestic adoption to continue on this path. We have essentially put our lives on hold to go down this path.

Do I really "want" to be doing this? Quite honestly, not really. I've been on a gluten free diet for over 4 months now to help "prep" my body (I have a gluten sensitivity). I miss bread. I want to eat a peanut butter sandwich, by golly! I've put my body through rigor to get my thyroid at the "optimal" level. And I just want to be done with it. I want to get off birth control and eat bread and have my thyroid do what it will and JUST.BE.

And yet, time after time, when I've gotten on my knees, face to the floor, and prayed that God would steer me off this path if it was not His will, He would. And He has not. If anything, He's confirmed this is what we are supposed to be doing.

Yes, this will all be hard to swallow if this does not result in a pregnancy. Very hard to swallow. But again, I just pray for peace. If I have peace, I can get through all of this and be okay with the outcome.

Lord -- I want what YOU want in this. You have a better plan than I do. You brought us our son that we love so much and if we had not struggled with infertility, we would not have been led to adopt, and we wouldn't have our son.

Some really raw honesty? I cannot imagine my life without my son. So, God, thank you for my infertility.

It is set!

I just heard from the nurse coordinator in Tennessee. We are confirmed for a September transfer! Thank you, Lord!

I still have to say, because it's my nature, that if my thyroid levels are out of whack when I get them re-checked, things can always change. But for now, we're set for September 18. The nurse said she will be working on medication protocol over the next couple of weeks, so we hope to hear from her soon.

We are also waiting to hear from our adoption coordinator about the adoption paperwork with our genetic families.

The roller coaster is speeding up.

A date. For now.

We have tentatively been scheduled for a transfer date of September 18!

We would have to arrive in Tennessee on September 17th, and the transfer would likely be in the morning of the 18th. I believe we'd be cleared to fly home the late afternoon/evening of the 19th.

There is a HUGE asterisk on this date, in my book. And that totally depends on what my thyroid levels are in 6 weeks. I started taking the new dosage this morning. I even read the disclaimer language that comes with all mediciations (you know that big pamphlet that you just throw away). I think this may be the first time in over 15 years of being on thyroid replacement meds that I actually read this thing. I noticed something interesting. It said "do not take for treatment of infertility, unless infertility is linked with thyroid levels". Hmmm. Not really sure what to make of this.

In any case, it's nice to have a date. For now.

The embryologist said she would first thaw Ohio's embryos until she had 2-3 to transfer. If only one survived, she would start thawing Michigan's embryos until there is a total of 2-3 to transfer. I'm not even going to pretend to understand the logistics of the timing of it all. Outta my hands.

And speaking of that, I came across this great poem today on another's blog. Very fitting:


Waiting
"But those who wait on the Lord will find strength. They will fly high like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. The will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Desperately,
helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently,
lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate.....

and the Master so gently said,
Wait.

Wait? you say wait?
my indignant reply.
Lord, I need answers,
I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened?
Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance
and you tell me to Wait?

I'm needing a yes,
a go-ahead sign.
Or even a no,
to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord,
that if we believe,
We need but to ask,
and we shall receive.

Lord, I've been asking,
and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking!
I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, Wait.
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God,
So, I'm waiting
for what?????

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine....
and He tenderly said,
I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and
darken the sun. I could raise the dead
and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek
and
pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want
but
you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know
the depth of My love
for each saint.

You'd not know
the power that I give
to the faint.

You'd not learn to see
through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust
just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy
of resting in Me
when darkness and silence
are all you can see.

You'd never experience
the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit
descends like a dove.

You would know that I give,
and I save, for a start,
But, you'd not know the depth
of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort
late into the night,
the faith that I give
when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond
getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who
makes what you have last.

You'd never know should
your pain quickly flee.
what it means that My grace
is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams
overnight would come true,
but, oh, the loss, if you missed
what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child
and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts
is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers
seem terribly late,
My most precious answer
of all is still........

Wait.

An update -- kind of.

I received word from Tennessee this morning that the doctor is adjusting my dosage again to hopefully get my levels down even more -- trying to hit that 1-2 level mark.

I'm supposed to get re-checked again in 6 weeks. That will put me at the first full week of September.

As of now, they don't "think" that will affect my September transfer, but it is cutting it awfully close.

I'm not necessarily optimistic that we'll be in the September group, but if this is what it takes for my body to be in the best possible shape for a healthy transfer, then I'm trying to see it as a positive thing.

Just more waiting.

Update.

Monday: We spoke with our adoption coordinator about our level of openness. We actually got to learn the names of our genetic families, but for privacy reasons, I won't post here. Suffice it to say, they are both very traditional, lovely names. The coordinator will now speak with each family and get their level of openness. Once we have an agreement, the adoption paperwork and all the legal "stuff" will be put together. I did reiterate that I'd really love to be able to email with both of the genetic donors (at least the women) by email before the transfer. Hopefully they will want that, too!

Tuesday: I had my blood drawn for my thyroid test. You'll recall 6 weeks ago, in Tennessee, the doctor noticed my thyroid was very large and asked that it get tested. It was at a level 13. (Normal levels are between 1-5; but preferred levels for pregnancy is 1-2). So the dr. immediately changed my meds (dosage, brand, etc) and I've been taking them religiously ever since. Religiously means every day, on an empty stomach, nowhere near calcium (which counteracts the effectiveness).

I went in and a phlebotomy student asked if he could take my blood. I said sure, so long as he was good, because I hate needles. Well, of course, he wasn't. He missed my vein, started digging, and eventually the nurse came over and demanded that he remove the needle. He didn't get any blood, so the nurse came over and jabbed my other arm. I have a bruise today on the other.

Today: My doctor very kindly sent me results first thing this morning, and they were at a 3.71. This is certainly a big improvement, but it's still not within the magic 1-2 mark. I sent the results to Tennessee, and they are going to get back to me.

My head has been spinning all day as to what they may do, and I'm trying really hard not to speculate, and just trust that whatever they decide is all a part of God's greater plan. So, I wait. And you get to wait with me. ; )

Love from Michigan.

Our Michigan couple has 'accepted' us! I have to be honest, that when it didn't happen as quickly as Ohio, I started to get a little nervous. Maybe they wanted a family that didn't have children already? Maybe they don't like blondes? Maybe my 5'2 (and a half) frame is too short for the 5'10 Irish/German brunette?

Michigan was also given a week to look at our profile, and chose us within 24 hours. Thank you, Lord, for not making us wait on this!

Both of these profiles have been referred to our adoption agency to start the openness arrangements. I remain hopeful that we will be able to communicate directly with them prior to the transfer.

I did learn that the couple that had adopted Ohio's other 6 embryos had previously "accepted" all 9, but after they did not achieve pregnancy (for whatever reason) with the 6, they "released" the other 3 back to Ohio. I can only speculate as to what reasons for that may be. Maybe they were disenchanted with the embryos, with the process. Maybe they tried two transfers with these embryos and decided to pursue other options after they were not successful. I'm trying not to analyze it too much. Ultimately, these embryos were "released" back to Ohio so that we could adopt them! Is that too Pollyanna? I don't think so. I think that's God.

I have to admit that yesterday I was very bummed that we now have two sets of embryos from two different couples. It's like adopting two babies at the same time from two different birthmoms. If you're unfamiliar with this process, it just seems straight weird. Heck, even I will admit it feels a little weird.

But now I'm actually embracing it. One of the benefits of an open embryo adoption is that we now have the pleasure of embarking on this journey with another couple who is JUST AS INVESTED in the outcome as we are. That is another family, another extended family, another prayer circle, many states and time zones away, who want this to work just as much as we do. Now, we've doubled that pleasure by having TWO families, two extended families, two more prayer circles who want this to work just as much as we do. That is just plain awesome. We feel humbled and privileged that these couples have chosen us to try and further the lives of these embryos and, God willing, be their parents.

I've always been humbled by the selfless acts of birthmoms. Today, I am humbled by the selfless acts of genetic families. These families love these embryos. They are their flesh and blood (in really raw form). These couples also struggled with infertility and loss and grief. And I'm sure that when these embryos were created, it was a miracle, and they never envisioned "giving them away" to a couple they had never met. We feel privileged that they would hand over such an amazing gift of life to us.

One other neat fact -- Michigan's 4 embryos that we are adopting were likely frozen within days/weeks of when Brae was born! That is just plain cool.

As a practical matter, I do not know how the embryologist will work out the whole thawing process in our situation. I suspect, but do not know, that she will thaw Ohio's 3 and transfer whichever ones survive (1-3). Then if Ohio's doesn't result in pregnancy, we will go back again and try with Michigan.

I have my thyroid test next Tuesday. That test will likely determine whether we are going in September or November for our transfer. How lovely that a tiny butterfly-shaped gland in my body has so much control. I do feel that my thyroid levels have definitely changed in the last 6 weeks, because I have so much energy I have difficulty falling asleep at night. I'm like a flea on a hot skillet -- constantly. So I hope my thyroid has not over corrected.

"Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am TRUSTING You. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to You." -- Psalm 143:8.