Becoming a Donor

As I mentioned in my last post, we are now pregnant through IVF.  My sis-in-law also ended up doing IVF too (same clinic, same dr.)

When we started our cycles, we were a month behind.  Due to different protocols, we ended up having our transfers just 5 days apart.

She is now 12 weeks pregnant with twins!  She has 5 frozen embryos remaining.

And she's going to do embryo adoption - through NEDC (!)

When I asked her about her selfless act, this is what she wrote:


Honestly, I haven't really thought about it that much. It was never really a decision that we needed to think about or talk about, it's just the only option that was even on the table for us. A no-brainer. We're not going to keep them frozen forever, and we're definitely not going to destroy them. It sounds weird to say we're not going to "need" them after the twins are born... all life is "needed". But the truth is, our family will be complete. Our five embryos deserve a chance at life regardless of our decision not to have more children. Travis and I were just talking last night about how they aren't ours anyway, and they never were. We're all children of God's and He alone creates life. He created life for those five babies and He has a plan for them. It's our responsibly to foster those little lives, whether that's in our family or someone else's.  NEDC brought my niece into our family, and I trust them to place our five with an equally loving family.

I told our donor about my sis-in-law's choice and she was so impressed at how quickly she came to the decision.  Our donors waited 10 years after the birth of their children before starting the embryo adoption process.  I think everyone just has their own journey through a process like this.

My sis-in-law has started the paperwork with NEDC, but probably won't ship the embryos until after the twins arrive.  She wants to do an open adoption, but with minimal interaction.  She wants to be there for the family if they have questions, but otherwise doesn't want regular updates.

I am so proud of my sis and bro-in-law for making this very sacrificial gift to a family that may otherwise not get the chance to experience pregnancy.

A delicate announcement

I've written and re-written this post several times in my head the last few weeks.  It's an exciting announcement, but because I've been the recipient of several of these announcements before, it's bittersweet.  Because, I know the pain of hearing this announcement when you so desperately want the announcement to be yours, and it's not.

We are pregnant.  We are 12 weeks along.

This fall, we decided to give IVF one last shot before completely committing to the foster adoption process.  We had done IVF several years ago, and it was a complete failure, all around.  This time, we chose a different clinic, and got the "best" doctor.

And, it worked.

It wasn't, however, without a ton of prayer, agony, and sheer miracles. 

After going through months of testing (which all looked relatively normal), we ended up on Day 5 with only one surviving embryo.  And it was a day behind.

Through my tears, the senior embryologist ended up transferring two embryos - one more that may have been still growing - although it didn't look that great, and was also a day behind.

A few days after the transfer, I ran across a pregnancy test in my drawer that was about to expire.  I took the test.  It was positive.

Several days later, we got the beta.  It was 92.

Four days later, it hadn't doubled in the preferred 48 hours.  It doubled in about 66 hours.  Still within "normal," but not reassuring.

Two days later, it had more than doubled. 

The first heartbeat at 6 weeks, 3 days was just 119.  Again, within "normal," but not super reassuring.

At 9 weeks, it was 175.  But it wasn't moving.

At 11 weeks, it was 165, and he/she was dancing.

Today, at 12 weeks, 1 day, he/she was jumping.

It is surreal to me that we are having a 100% genetic child.  But all it really is is a satisfaction of a curiosity for me.  This child is no more a child of mine than Brae and Sienna.

I love, and am grateful, that at the end of the day, our three children will not share a gene among them, and yet still be all family.

Because You're A Mom..

1) You have mini-therapy sessions all day with anyone who will listen.

2) Going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.

3) You ahve the ability to hear a cough through closed doors in the middle of the night, a floor above you, while your husband snores next to you.

4) You'd rather have a 102 degree fever than watch one of your kids suffer with it.

5) Peeing with an audience is part of the daily routine.

6) You use baby wipes to clean up random spills and the dash of your car.

7) You have a secret candy stash because, frankly, you're sick of sharing.

8) You've been washing the same load of laundry for four days because you forgot to dry it.

9) You realize you've been watching the Disney Channel alone, even though your kids have been in bed for over 30 minutes.

10) By the end of the day, brushing your teeth feels like a huge accomplishment.

Egg donation vs. embryo adoption

Recently, I had a conversation with a co-worker whose daughter was struggling with infertility.  She explained that they were deciding to do egg donation.  She then asked why we did not decide to do that and instead went with embryo adoption. 

I explained to her that during our infertility journey, there was not much we did not consider.  When you are working to grow your family, and running into roadblock after roadblock, you find you're open to most anything.

We did consider egg donation.  And sperm donation.  We looked into each.  And, after gasping at the exorbitant cost (particularly egg donation), that opened the conversation to whether we even would do it, if we could afford to.

I know several people who have chosen to grow their families with egg/sperm donation.  I've heard all of their reasons for doing so, and most of those reasons made their way into the conversation with my husband, at that time.  We explored all of those reasons - if one of is able to carry on genetics, should the other stand in the way? am I ok with an egg donation, so long as I'm still able to carry the child? are we more comfortable with a child who is at least partially genetically connected to us vs. not?  etc.

Ultimately, we decided egg/sperm donation was not for us.  The primary reason being that we just were not comfortable with having a child be only "part" genetically related to us.  We either wanted a child that was 100% genetically related to both of us, or not at all. 

I've been up and down the infertility road for too long to judge anyone who decides to grow their family in any way other than how they see best for their family.  I'm sure I've been judged several times for our decision to adopt domestically, and then to do embryo adoption. 

So I ended the conversation with my co-worker with best wishes for her daughter.  I hugged her and told her I know how hard this road can be, and that however those of us struggling with infertility choose to grow our family, we really should all stick together.