Update.

I heard back from Tenn and the (very sweet) nurse emphasized that it was "ok", that we can correct it. Love the optimism!
So looks like I'm going to alter between a higher and lower dosage every other day. I'm going to take my 125 mcg tomorrow, and my 150 mcg the next day, so on and so on.
I think it will take at least a couple weeks to see the results of this new regime, but I hope to have at least one more test before the transfer.

On another note, I heard back from Michigan! What a sweet, sweet gal. She even sent pictures! And Ohio just released her email address, so I sent my "get to know you" email to her.

Funny thing -- they both have daughters with the same name. Yet, the daughters are about 7 years apart (interesting with name trends and all).

Strangely beautiful.

I cheated.

On Friday, I broke down and went to the doctor for a thyroid test (my "official" 6 week test will be Sept 7). I'd been feeling very tired lately and feared that my thyroid had raised the white flag and given up on working with me.
Today, I got the results.
Not what I expected. My level is now .17 and I've swung the other way and now am hypERthyroid (vs. hypothyroid). So, I'm overcorrected. My primary doc said to cut back the dosage, but I don't know what that means, in practical terms. I suppose it means that I'm not taking my dosage tomorrow.
For those of you new to the wonderful world of that butterfly gland in your throat that controls EVERYthing in your body, hyperthyroidism means my body is producing too much of the thyroid gland. In pregnancy, it is very dangerous as it can often result in miscarriage. So, as you can imagine, it's critical that my thyroid be at the right place prior to the transfer on September 18. The "right" place is between 1-2. So, we're definitely a lot closer than we were in June when my level was at 13, but it's still not quite right.
I have an email into our nurse at NEDC to see what they say.
As an echo to the prayer from my new friend Krisa, I just pray that Dr. K has wisdom to know what to do, and that ultimately, God as the all-powerful physician, will perform a no small feat in my body and get this gland to *finally* cooperate so that at transfer time, I can be in the "best" shape I can be.

Update.

We just heard from our caseworker that Michigan is open to a more "open" arrangement than they originally thought! Yay! We talk to our caseworker in less than an hour and we'll know more. I'm also waiting for the email address of Ohio so I can send my first official hola letter to them and hopefully build a baby step (pun intended) relationship.
I also have my first ultrasound and labs today.
More to report later!

Update: I sent my first email off to Michigan! We'll see how that goes... ; ) Waiting for Ohio's address so I can email them! We've also "approved" each openness agreement. Now we wait to see if the donors agree, and then we get them notarized, and we've officially "adopted" our embryos.
I had my first ultrasound and blood test today. It's just a baseline to make sure my uterine home is clean before they start adding all the baby-proofing stuff.
Of interesting note: Two years ago, when we did IVF, the doctor only counted 9 resting follicles. That's when they thought I had an ovarian reserve issue (normal for my age is 15). A year ago, when we did our clinical trial, they counted 16 follicles. At the time, the doctor had no medical explanation for that (you are supposed to lose follicles over time). One doctor opined that maybe it was because I was eating more organic food. I had to chuckle at that. So today, to my surprise, the doctor counted 20 resting follicles. Maybe it's my gluten-free diet this time (chuckle). I think not. I think God may have something to do with it.
Doesn't matter none for this cycle, but just nice to see God work in mysterious ways.

Further update: Tennessee just called and said "everything looks great." Translation -- I'm on my period and have no chance of ovulating. Only in this small universe of FETs with EA does someone with infertility consider that "great". Start estrogen tomorrow!

Openness Agreements

Yay! We just received the "interview" reports from our adoption agency and their discussions with each donating family.

The reports are incredibly thorough and basically are their lives on paper. As I was reading Ohio's intently (and skimming a little), I felt butterflies aflutter when I scrolled to where it talked about openness. I have been *dying* to communicate via email with our donors prior to the transfer. I want to get to know these people, and I try not to think about if EA doesn't work, what that means for our "relationship." But for some reason, getting to know our donors is one of the most EXCITING things about this process. Is that weird? (probably).

In any case, when I saw that Ohio was willing to communicate directly with me via email before the transfer (like right now!), I just closed my eyes and said, "thank you, Lord," and breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. I'm already drafing my first email in my head. Ok. Yes. I am weird.

So once I got past that paragraph, I was able to relax a bit and actually go back and read Ohio's profile thoroughly. I just soaked it all in. You guys -- this was not an "accidental" match. God completely orchestrated this match. (As I knew always it would be, but seeing words on paper about our beloved Ohio couple, just confirmed it). In fact, in a strange way, it feels similar to how it was when we first met our birthmom. Just. Right. Like this is what we've waited for.

I felt the exact same way when I read Michigan's interview (although I'm less certain if Michigan wants to communicate directly right now).

I still don't know our purpose in all of this -- it may or may not be a baby. And I'm slowly getting "okay" with that. I'm trying to just have open hands in all of this. God gives, and He takes away. I'm reminded of that daily.

We also got a copy of the openness agreement, a bunch of legalese. We get to talk with our case worker in just over an hour. So more to post later!

Update: We just spoke with our case worker. Not much more to report. I'll review the openness agreement and give the written okay that we'd like to start email communication with Ohio. The caseworker is set to meet with Michigan tomorrow night, and we have another meeting with our caseworker Thursday morning. Michigan is a little more hesitant about the openness process -- don't know how much, when, etc.

This is starting to get a little more exciting. ; )

I'm ready again.

For newborn diapers. For sleeping only 3 hours at a time. For expensive formula. For that infant cry. For that smell. For all of it.

A year ago, I was not. Even a month ago, I was not. I've slowly been getting close, but I'm officially there. I want to go back there again. I'm ready.

Our precious boy is now almost 2 years old. I've loved every second of being with him (yes, even during the temper tantrums and blow out diapers). But I'm ready to give him a sibling.

I'm even ready to forego the pregnancy to just have the baby. Here. I'm ready.

Yes, we'll still go forward with EA. Yes, we will go back as many times as it takes (probably just twice) until each embaby we're adopting has been given the best chance at life.

But then, if it doesn't work (I'm hoping for the best, preparing/expecting the worst), I'm eager to get back on the adoption wait list again and wait for God to bring us our next child. (I'm, of course, praying that is His will!)

I'm sure it will be a long wait (returning families tend to have longer waits), but I'm just ready to be on the list again. Thankfully, since our homestudy is already done, it should (hopefully) be just a matter of some paperwork (and a rather large check) and then we can wait (im)patiently for our baby to arrive.

I'm ready for it all again. I want my toddler boy, and I want my next baby.

First shot.

I wasn't really nervous until just a few minutes before I had to do the first shot. Then my heart started pounding. I hate needles. But I have to do this. Tygh has already left for the morning and it's up to me.
So I get out the needle, put the medicine in, pinch some skin on my belly, and inject. The pain of the poke only lasts a second, and before I know it, the medicine is in and it's over. It happened so quickly, I actually second guessed whether I had put the right amount of medicine in the syringe.
But it's over now. The first poke has happened. We're in this. In just about a month, God willing, we'll be in Tennessee adopting our embryos. Sometimes, waves of excitement flood over me, but I just can't allow them to linger for too long. Then I just remember the phone call after our IVF, and it quickly hastens me back to reality.
Neither Tygh nor I feel confident this will work. Maybe that's just a protective mechanism. I have friends for whom IVF and EA worked, and friends for whom they did not I can just as easily be in one category as another.
Lord, thank you that the first shot was "easy". Please just continue to calm my spirit and my heart as this journey proceeds. This is all Yours. We're just following You. We trust Your purpose in all of this, for we know it is ultimately goodness.

Over it (almost).

Forewarned... more honest and raw thoughts...

I am (almost) over the desire to be pregnant. Instead of it being a huge flaming bonfire that consumes my daily thoughts, its now mostly a steady, but waning, flame.

Although this must have been coming on slowly, it didn't really hit me until last night. Yes, I would love to be pregnant, but at what cost? Before we decided to do EA, we were "trying" for so long to get pregnant. And, contrary to popular belief, that can be so un-fun. So, we're over that. I much prefer to have a "normal -not - trying" intimacy life with my husband than the timed and scheduled intimacy life that controlled and consumed so much of our time.

And now, with EA, at what cost am I pursuing my desire to become pregnant? I'm staring down the barrel of consuming myself with needles, ultrasounds, blood tests, long flights, bed rests, and abstaining from picking up my son and twirling him around above me. That last one is particularly hard to swallow. I love to pick up my son, hold him above me, and bury my face in his belly and tickle him as he laughs uncontrollably. I won't be able to do that for at least a week after I get home. That may sound like not a lot of time, and I can hear the responses in my head, "well, it may be worth it!" Is it? Really? It would only be "worth" it if I ended up pregnant. But is THAT even worth it? Again, I seem to be elevating my own desire for pregnancy over the son I already have. That doesn't sit well with me.

The only reason we pursued EA over another traditional adoption was to fulfill this desire in me to be pregnant. And now, well, honestly, I'm just slowly losing that strong desire. And I'm THANKFUL for that.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of mixed feelings about it, too. I still very much WANT to be pregnant. That desire will remain until it is fulfilled or God takes it away. But that desire is starting to take a back seat to my desire to JUST GROW MY FAMILY AND BE A MOM. I know pregnancy is not the only way to do that. And if my desire for pregnancy starts chipping away at growing my family and being a mom to my son, then I need to shelve that desire. Which, thankfully, God seems to be doing for me.

I want this EA to work. We feel led to pursue this path. Please don't mistake that. I want this EA, the first time, to result in pregnancy and allow me to experience what it's like to have a physical life grow inside of me. I do want that. If it doesn't work the first time, I think we will probably go back a second time until each of the 7 embryos we are adopting has been tried. But after that, I really think we're done. Done with it all. Buh-bye needles, buh-bye any kind of fertility treatment, buh-bye calendars and ultrasounds and blood tests and slowly depleting our bank account. Buh-bye timed intimacy, buh-bye ovulation kits, buh-bye pregnancy tests, and buh-bye painful phone calls from nurses telling us that, yet again, our monthly desire for a pregnancy has fallen short.

I'm DONE with all of that. My desire for pregnancy is not as strong as my desire to return to a "normal" life and be my husband's girlfriend, and my son's mother. We will continue to grow our family by pursuing domestic adoption. I will still long and pray to be pregnant, but that desire will no longer be allowed to roam free in my world and take up residency where other things -- like just living life -- should be.

PS -- I have a TON of mixed feelings about this entire post. But, in my raw honesty, I share them anyway.

Medication Protocol.

The meds arrived the other day. A big cardboard box on my front stoop.

I opened the box up and got a sick, sick feeling in my stomach when I saw ALL those needles and medications. All this paperwork to read. It brought me back to the IVF cycle (almost 2 years to the date). I felt physically ill. Do I REALLY want to go through this again?

If you have never done IVF (or a FET or embryo adoption), something changes in you once you poke that first needle. You become a slave to a calendar, to ultrasound appointments, to blood tests. It is not fun. For me, this time around, I'm really not looking forward to it.

Today, I received my medication protocol. I feel so overwhelmed. Here it is in a nutshell (I'm writing this mostly for my benefit as I can't see that the following is interesting to anyone):

8/17: start Lupron
8/21: stop birth control pills; continue with Lupron
8/26: ultrasound and labs
8/27-30: start Estrace; continue with Lupron
8/31-9/4: increase Estrace; continue with Lupron
9/5: stop Lupron
9/5-9/13: increase Estrace
9/13: ultrasound and labs
9/14: start progesterone (aka the "ouch" shot) 1x/day; continue Estrace
9/15-9/16: progesterone 2x/day

Then I just get confused by what goes on 9/17 and 18, but the transfer is set for the 18th.

As you can imagine, I have a call into the nurse because I'm utterly confused by a lot of this.

Lord -- I feel overwhelmed and just exhausted by looking at all of this. Please give me peace that this will all work out how You want it to. I pray that my "body home" will be in the best shape it can be to welcome these new little lives. And from there, well, it's all up to You. Do as You see fit.

Amen.

Some raw honesty.

I ordered our medicine today.

I feel neither good nor bad about that. Probably a little scared. You see, I've been down this road before -- kind of -- with IVF -- almost 2 years to the date. And it failed. I harbor no expectation that embryo adoption will work. I'm hopeful, but very very cautious and very guarded. I know that God is sovereign. I know that He already knows the outcome. I'm not afraid of my God, but I am reverently fearful of Him and His will and His perfect plan for my life. It may not be my idea of my perfect plan. But, if I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. I take this to mean that if I delight myself in my God, then my desires become His desires. I start to want what HE wants for me. Sure, I still have my fleshly desires to be pregnant and carry a child. I believe He placed those in me and, God willing, one day He will fulfill them, or take them away. I believe that.

But I'm not looking forward to this. This is my raw honesty. I'm not looking forward to the needle injections again. I'm not really looking forward to flying halfway across the country to Tennessee again (although they are a lovely bunch!). I'm not looking forward to 48 hours of bedrest. I'm not looking forward to abstaining from picking up my beautiful (but over 25 pound!) 21-month-old that I love so dearly (not allowed to pick him up for 2 weeks). And I'm really not looking forward to the beta test. (I will not stress myself out with a pregnancy test beforehand).

You see, I've received THAT call many many times before. Negative. Then I sob uncontrollably, yell at God, and curse at my body. So I'm a little guarded.

I don't know what my purpose is in this. I just know that we feel led on this path, but it may not be for a pregnancy. It may be to "release" these lives on hold to heaven. And although I don't like being the "martyr" for that cause, here I am. I feel I am being obedient.

We've turned down at least 2 leads for domestic adoption to continue on this path. We've put our own plans for a domestic adoption to continue on this path. We have essentially put our lives on hold to go down this path.

Do I really "want" to be doing this? Quite honestly, not really. I've been on a gluten free diet for over 4 months now to help "prep" my body (I have a gluten sensitivity). I miss bread. I want to eat a peanut butter sandwich, by golly! I've put my body through rigor to get my thyroid at the "optimal" level. And I just want to be done with it. I want to get off birth control and eat bread and have my thyroid do what it will and JUST.BE.

And yet, time after time, when I've gotten on my knees, face to the floor, and prayed that God would steer me off this path if it was not His will, He would. And He has not. If anything, He's confirmed this is what we are supposed to be doing.

Yes, this will all be hard to swallow if this does not result in a pregnancy. Very hard to swallow. But again, I just pray for peace. If I have peace, I can get through all of this and be okay with the outcome.

Lord -- I want what YOU want in this. You have a better plan than I do. You brought us our son that we love so much and if we had not struggled with infertility, we would not have been led to adopt, and we wouldn't have our son.

Some really raw honesty? I cannot imagine my life without my son. So, God, thank you for my infertility.