There are a few.

There are a few people whom I would call "friends" in my life who still do not know the stories of Brae's and Sienna's journeys into our family. 

I had one such friend over yesterday for a playdate.

It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her.  We've known each other for over a year and I want to tell her about Brae and Sienna's adoption stories.  I want to tell everyone, because Brae and Sienna have the coolest stories. 

But, I hesitated.  And, by the time she left, I still had not told her. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't lie to anyone.  If I'm ever asked a straight up question that requires me to disclose that either one of them is adopted, I answer it truthfully.

But, I no longer volunteer.

Why?

Because, I've come to realize, Brae's story and Sienna's story are each their own.  They are not mine to tell. 

I've learned this more and more as Brae has gotten older, and developed friends outside my group of friends.  He has friends outside my circle of playdate friends.  He has friends at school, he has neighbor friends.  He is his own person.  He knows he is adopted, knows who his birthfamily is, and if he wants to share his amazing adoption journey, then who am I to trump that? Similarly, if he does not want to share his amazing adoption journey, or wants to select with whom he shares, again, that is his choice.  

As proud as I am of him, of Sienna, and of each of their journeys, I recognize that adoption is a highly personal journey.  Yes, I have my own part in that journey that I am entitled to share, but I have to be mindful that Brae and Sienna do too.  And, their choice to share may be different than mine. 

I need to respect that. 

Birthfather visit

Last weekend, we had our annual visit with Brae's birthfather and his side of the family.  Each visit keeps getting better and better.

We met at a local amusement park and for the first time, I think Brae "understood" who his birthfather is to him.  In fact, I asked him in the car on the way over what it meant that he had a birthfather.  His reply? "It means I'm special to him!"

We spent the next several hours exploring the park.  Brae and his birthfather played miniature golf together, rode the go-karts, and played in the arcade. 

We then got lunch together and they deluged Brae with birthday presents.  They also got Sienna a pink Barbie convertible, with Barbie included, and she was in hog heaven.

While Brae ran around the restaurant in his new Teenage Mutant gear, swinging his swords, I got a chance to catch up with his family.

They expressed, as they have before, how difficult it was at first when Brae was born and the adoption was going through.  They wanted to keep him.  But, in the same breath, they expressed tremendous gratitude and relief that he was with us.  They also recognized (and appreciated) that we need to make clear to Brae that our role is as his parents, and his birthfamily has a separate role as his larger, extended family.  Because he is adopted, they said, they understand that means he has more people that love him.

They wiped away some tears as they indicated how much it meant to them that we continue to have these visits and that we send pictures and keep them updated on Brae.

I told them it is just as important for us, and for Brae, that we do that as it is for them.  And, I reiterated, we will continue to have these visits for as long as Brae wants them. 

When we left that afternoon, Brae gave hugs to all of them.  When he got to his birthfather, he hugged him and thanked him for being his birthfather.

I am so proud to be his mom.

The Wedding.

This last weekend, we attended a very special wedding. 

Brae's birthmom got married. 

The wedding was about 3 hours away.  We loaded into the car on the sweltering hot Friday afternoon and prepared for the long ride.  Brae and Sienna were occupied with a movie, and I was just praying that Graem would stay asleep the whole ride.  (He almost did  - the last 20  minutes were a fun-filled screech fest).

We rolled into the sleepy little town shortly before the ceremony.  This is a small town.  A very, very small town.  Quaint.  Beautiful.   

We pulled into the church parking lot just in time.  Tygh took Brae and Sienna into the church while I tugged Graem out of his carseat to nurse him.  Since I didn't want to make a scene nursing Graem in the church, I just nursed him in the car, praying no one noticed me. (I don't think I succeeded). 

I slipped into the church just in time to see Brae's birthmom walk down the aisle.  She was stunning.  This amazing, gracious young woman who changed our lives 6 years ago. 

She looked radiant.  Happy. 

As tears rolled down my face, I slid into the back pew.  I couldn't believe this was my life.  I was sitting here, with my three amazing children and my awesome husband, watching the young woman who delivered our son in a stark hospital room on a sacred Halloween night, now in a lovely white dress, beaming.  I felt tremendously blessed. 

I was pulled out of my daze abruptly by seeing Sienna out of the corner of my eye emerge from the bathroom, naked, running toward the wedding aisle.  I catapulted Graem into Tygh's arms, and grabbed her before she made (any more of) a scene.

We didn't get to speak to Brae's birthmom until the reception.  But when Brae saw her, he glowed.  This is the first visit where I think he has finally understood who she is to him.  He marched right up to her, told her she looked beautiful, and asked her to dance.

It took my breath away, watching them, swaying to soft music. 

I was so proud of him.  So in love with him at that moment.  So happy for him. 

The rest of the night was glorious.  Family member after family member (many who had only heard of us and Brae, but never met us) came up to us to introduce themselves.  Many had tears in their eyes as they told us how grateful they were that we came.  How Brae seemed like such a happy little boy.

I was the one who felt grateful.  I mean, how many people get to experience the awesome journey of adoption?  It is just surreal.  It is such an amazing journey - hard at times, of course.  But this, oh this, is what makes it so divine. 

We watched Brae run around after his half-sister, marveling at how much they were alike - in looks and in personality.  We giggled (shamefully) as Sienna zoomed across the dance floor, crawling through elderly couples' legs sashaying across the hardwood.  We had intensely meaningful conversations with Brae's birth cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles about the pain and beauty of adoption.

And, when the night came to a close, we had memories.  Tremendous memories. 

We had love. 

As we loaded the kids into the car, and Brae gave just one last hug to his half-sister, we felt content.  We (and Brae) had even more friends and family than we knew.  Who loved us. Who prayed for us. 

And that is what is so special about open adoption.

First day of Kindergarten and First day of Preschool

Brae and Sienna each started kindergarten and preschool, respectively, last week. 

Brae has been excited all summer to ride the school bus, get a new backpack, eat lunch at school, and play outside during recess.  I also loved school (so much that I stayed in it for 19 years straight!).  In fact, when the school supplies list came out, I could almost smell the aroma of freshly-sharpened pencils.  A natural high. 

Sienna's preschool is at the same location as her daycare, so the excitement was not as high for her.  I tried to get her pumped by getting her some back-to-school clothes, and telling her that even though she was still at the same building, she was now a pre-schooler and not just a day-care attendee.  I'm not sure she bought it.

The night before kindergarten, we sprinkled some glitter on each of the kids' heads (courtesy of the kindergarten teacher), said a special prayer (that I cried during), and went to bed early.  Brae even wore his entire first-day-of-school outfit (shoes included) to bed.  (Yes, I did that too... maybe even beyond just kindergarten). 

The next morning, Brae was up bright and early, ready to take the bus.  We drove to the bus stop (about 100 yards away), and Sienna and Graem and I waited in the car as we watched him board the bus. 

Then, I followed the bus. 

In my car.

About 5 blocks, to school. 

I was that mom. 

Sienna, Graem, and I then greeted Brae off the bus and walked him to his class.  He did not even hesitate walking through that pivotal door, barely mustering a "good-bye" as he skipped into his teacher's arms.

Then, things went south.

That first day, the school bus was early dropping him off, and I had not yet arrived at the stop to meet him.  So (I guess thankfully), they kept him on the bus, driving around, until I could gather my frantic wits enough to call the school, who called the bus barn, who radioed to the driver to bring Brae back. 

Then, the second day of school, the teachers forgot to put him on the bus.  So, there I stood, at the stop, eager to greet him only to realize he was not on the bus.  Another frantic phone call.

Then, the third day of school, I waited at the stop for him, and again he did not get off the bus.  This time, however, he was on the bus, but completely unaware of when/where he had to get off.  Poor little guy.  So, I boarded the bus and found him blissfully in space, surprised to see me on his bus, beckoning him off. 

All of this made me wonder whether kindergarteners should even be allowed to ride school busses at all.  In fact, I was about ready to pack the whole thing in and ship him off to private school where there are no school busses. 

But, no, I said, he has to do this.  For him. 

It is my job as his parent to protect him (of course), but also to instill self-confidence in him.  I'm not raising a child; I'm raising a man.  If the purpose of childhood is to equip my son with the tools needed to bravely face this challenging world, then allowing him to take the school bus is one big giant step in that direction. 

It is a new week, and he's taking the bus again.

And I'm still following it in my car.

Guest post from a donor mom: "What I'm Looking For in an Adoptive Family"

My sister in law just welcomed her twins the same month that Graem was born.  She did IVF and has 5 stellar embryos remaining.  She is going to adopt them through NEDC. 

The paperwork is filled out, and she and her husband are eager to complete the process.

I've asked her what she is looking for in an adoptive family, and she responded with this:

The number one thing we are looking for in an adoptive family is the same thing we based our decision on when writing our will and choosing who our children would go to... We want someone who will make it their priority to get these little souls to heaven someday. We are not able to parent these five embryos here on earth, but knowing we'll all be united in heaven someday gives us peace about whatever happens between now and then. 

Beyond that, we will be looking for a family with similar interests and temperaments as our family. We want our biological children to feel like they "fit in" with their family so finding someone similar to us is important for that reason. We'd like to find a family that is laid back, emotionally stable, physically active, fun loving, and adventurous. We would prefer a family that does not live in a big city, but not out in the boonies either. A smallish suburb with good schools and traditional values would be ideal. 

We will be looking to see if they have a strong marriage with a foundation in Christ. We'll also be looking to see if they have strong relationships with the rest of their family and community. 

Beyond these tangible attributes, we'll also just go with our gut. I think we'll know when we feel that strong connection with someone and it will just feel right. We'll be praying (and ask for your prayers) that our babies will be firmly held in God's hands as this important decision is made. 

 

I cannot wait to see how God leads this journey!