Homestudy: Part III

Sigh.

Groan.

Ugh. 

That about sums up my last homestudy visit.  It was a 1:1 with just me and our caseworker.  I really do like our caseworker, but I very much dislike this homestudy process.

Going through the state, or at least through our state, is essentially an investigation to dig up dirt.  The caseworkers are required to find every possible red,  yellow, purple, pink, polka-dot flag they can, and talk about it.  It's very unlike private adoptions.

I actually brought this up with our caseworker at this last visit, and she agreed.  Private adoption homestudies tend to be shorter, less interrogatory, and put a polish on the family's life.  By contrast, public adoption homestudies are extensive, intrusive, and there is nary a glimmer to be found once the caseworker has gutted the family's life. 

I'm trying not to over-exaggerate.

It makes it difficult, however, when a family with a private homestudy is "competing" for a child with a public homestudy.  One showcases the family's successes, accomplishments, everyone has pearly white teeth, etc.  The other one highlights the family's struggles, skeletal closets, and everyone has missing teeth.

It's not fair.

I know, I know.  God has the right child already picked out for us.  No one can take our child.  I know all of the platitudes.  But it is still frustrating.

At the end of the homestudy visit, I asked our caseworker if she saw any red flags.  She said "no," but that there was an area about me that intrigued her the most and she wanted to learn more about it.

My need for control, she said.  I'm assertive, she said.  I'm the "squeaky wheel," she said.  And, I'm a permissive parent.

I gaffawed. 

Not because any of that is necessarily untrue, but because they were presented as negative traits.

I'm a wife, mother of two, and full-time professional.  Yes, I have a need for some control in my life.  Wouldn't you? Yes, I'm assertive.  Yes, I can be a "squeaky wheel."  No one is going to care more about my best interests than me.  No one is going to care about my children's (or future child's) best interest more than me.  And, yes, I've been told I'm a permissive parent.  (I've also been told in the same breath that I'm a natural "love and logic" parent).  I'm the mom who will let her kids run in the mud puddle (and have), and will take them to preschool naked if they refuse to get dressed (and have).  So, yes, I am each of these things, under the right circumstances.

So when our old caseworker didn't return our calls or emails, after several polite nudgings, yes, I contacted her supervisor.  These tactics apparently labeled me in the caseworker world as "assertive," "controlling," "squeaky wheel," and "trying to steer the process." 

All the while, our child is out there, somewhere, waiting for his/her forever family, while I wait for paperwork to be filed, emails to get sent, phone calls to get returned, and people to label me as controlling and assertive and permissive. 

So, I will wait, and I will take the heat.

Because there is a child out there waiting for us, who has already taken a lot of heat.

Sienna's 2 year stats

We had Sienna's 2-year check up last week, and these were the results:

1) Height = Smidge over 3 feet tall.  That is technically in the 97th percentile.

2) Weight = 29.1 pounds.  That is the 95th percentile. 

3) Head is in the 50th percentile. 

Sienna is now potty trained at school, and will go at home if I take her, but she does not let me know ahead of time. 

She is becoming much more verbal, and I can understand her about 75% of the time. 

She is extremely independent, considers herself self-sufficient, and marches to the beat of her own drum. 

She's a fantastic eater - and regularly will eat off of Brae and Daddy's plates once she's done with her own.  She is not into sweets. She prefers water to anything else, and salt to sugar.

She's also an amazing sleeper - about 10 hours at night straight, and then 2-3 hour naps. 

She's very into her baby dolls, putting them to bed, feeding them with a bottle, etc.

She's also easy to discipline.  You just look at her with a raised eyebrow and she falls straight into line.  Every once in a while, she'll throw herself on the floor in a full-out tempertantrum, but she wears out easily.

She is fearless.  She is not afraid to try anything.  She will climb, jump, run, belly-flop, in just about any environment. 

And, she's a lover.  She loves to cuddle, snuggle into your neck, and say "lub eww." 

To my daughter, on her 2nd birthday

Dear Sienna,

Whenever you read this, whether it's ten years from now reading it for the first time, or seventy years from now, after I'm long gone, I want you to know these certain truths about you, and never forget them. 

1.  I love you.  I love everything about you.  From how your eyes turn into crescent moons when you smile big, to the frown on your brow when you don't get your way.  I love it all. 

2. You will never lose my love.  I know there will come a day when you slam the door in my face, when you curse my name, and maybe tell me you wish I wasn't your mom.  I've steeled myself for that day, and I want you to know now, before it even happens, that I will love you still. 

3.  You are wanted.  Mommy and Daddy longed and ached for you, for years.  God moved mountains to bring you into this world, to create you, and to bring you to us.  So when that first boy breaks your heart, or you get that first grade you didn't deserve, or you don't get the job of your dreams, know that you will forever and always have parents who want you still. 

4.  Your brother loves you.  You are his favorite play thing.  You two were meant to be siblings.  He adores you.  He always asks about you.  He gets the biggest smile whenever you are around.  He wants to steal your toys just as often as he wants to share his food with you.  He wants a reaction out of you - whatever it is.  He delights in you.  Just remember that the next time that he makes you angry. 

5.  You are beautiful.  You are a gift.  A treasure.  You are a child of God, on loan to us. 


Daughter, we will do our best to raise you in these truths.  Please know that although we will mess up in raising you, we really are trying, and we really do want the very best for you. 

You are my child.  My firstborn daughter.  My beloved.

Happy birthday, honey pie.

Love,

Mommy

Homestudy: Part II

We had our second homestudy visit last week.  Apart from a few awkward moments, it went well.  The caseworker interviewed Tygh separately, and "observed" our children.  She later told Tygh that our children are "perfect."  (What parent doesn't love hearing that?)

This time around is just very different than our other homestudy visits.  Every word, gesture, glance seems scrutinized and, dare I say, judged?

I understand why.  Unlike domestic adoption or embryo adoption where the birth/genetic family get to choose, here the State is choosing.  And, also unlike domestic adoption or embryo adoption, there likely was not much willingness on the part of the birthfamily that caused the relinquishment/termination of parental rights.  So, in a sense, the stakes are higher. 

But, it is still really uncomfortable to have a 360-degree analysis of your family and your lifestyle. 

Next up is my one-on-one visit with the caseworker, followed by one more "family observation" visit.  Still hoping the report will be complete, and we'll be officially a "waiting family" by August.

One very cute and heartwarming moment happened right when the caseworker arrived.  Brae greeted her at the door with the following exchange:

Brae: "Hi.  I'm Brae.  B-r-a-e.  I'm adopted.  I'm special.  When are you going to give us a baby?"

Caseworker: "Hi.  Yes, you are special.  It's going to be a while."

Sigh.