A visit with the birthmother.

Yesterday was a very special day. We got to see Brae's birthmom for the first time since his birth nearly 2 years ago. Up until this time, she has not been ready to see him. Brae also got to see his biological grandmother and grandfather. But perhaps the most special treat was getting to meet his half sister for the first time, who is just 3 years older than him.

We met at a park in our BM's hometown. Tygh and Brae and I were down playing with some ducks when we saw her come down. I must say, I was relieved. I was a little afraid she may not show up.

We embraced and I told her how good it was to see her. She admitted to having a little bit of a panic attack in the car, and had changed her mind a few times as to whether or not she would come. I'm so grateful she did.

Brae was uncharacteristically shy at first, that is until his half-sister just bounded up to him and they started playing "tag." It was adorable. They are the spitting image of one another (as you can tell). And same personality, same giggle, even same facial expressions. It was priceless.

We made small talk, but mostly just watched the newly united siblings play. It was a surreal moment.

It was a brief visit -- only 45 minutes -- unlike the hours long visits with Brae's birthfather's side of the family. But I think it was exactly what our BM needed. She knew she had selected the meeting location -- a park -- that has absolutely no kid-friendly objects. No swings. No playground. Nothing. A bare, but beautiful, adult park. So the second the conversation waned just a little, I could tell she was ready to go.

As we walked back to our car, I told her I hoped we could do this every year. She looked at me and smiled, with tears in her eyes. I told her I wanted Brae to know who she was, and to know who his half-sister was.

She nodded in agreement. She wanted that too.

We embraced again. This time, it was long, and it was hard. She wouldn't let go. She hugged me with everything in her and we both said, "I love you."

I told her to not be a stranger.

And as we departed, Brae's half-sister waved and said, "Bye, brother."

I am blessed.

Two years ago tomorrow.

Two years ago tomorrow, I was in a strange place. We had just done IVF, and it had failed. We had been chosen by a birthmom to parent the child she carried, and she was due any day now. Yet, we hadn't heard anything from her for a while, and we didn't know if she was going to change her mind.

So, there I sat, just completely surrendered to whatever God was doing. I had a range of emotions going through me. I sat at my computer, and here are excerpts from what I wrote:

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"Today is October 23, 2008. For the last year and half, my amazing husband and I have been trying to conceive a child. It's been a long and weary road. There are so many things I want to share about this journey, so many incredible lows and unbelievable highs, and the glimpses of God's character I've witnessed, and yet, the journey is not over. About a month ago, we were chosen by a birthmom to adopt her unborn child. As of today, we are still waiting for that call telling us she is in labor and we can go meet our child. When this journey was over and I had a baby in my arms, then I wanted to give my testimony. I needed to know it would have a happy ending. And yet, as I sit here, I feel compelled to share my testimony now, before I know the outcome (will she change her mind?). And that scares me.

I believe God wants me to write this testimony now, no matter what the outcome is, because He will be the same. His character will be the same. It is so easy to be joyful and have faith when God is answering your prayers with a "yes," and pouring out blessings. It is much harder to be joyful when His face is hidden. And yet, He is the same through it all.

As a girl, you take life for granted and just presume God will allow you to get pregnant. Isn't that what He says in the Bible? Be fruitful and multiply. Aren't those with their quivers full of arrows supposed to be blessed? (Come to find out children are A gift from God; they are not THE gift).

During this very lonely time of miscarrying and then having IVF fail, I came across this great quote: "It is a glorious thing to know our Father in Heaven makes no mistake in directing or permitting that which crosses the path of our life. It is the glory of God to conceal a matter. It is our glory to trust Him, no matter what."

While on the adoption wait list, we had 9 failed leads. I felt lost. I felt abandoned. I felt like God had given up on me. I was being punished. I knew the only comfort I could find would be in God's Word, and yet I was so angry with Him. He'd taken away my hopes, my dreams, and I was forgotten. My prayers went unheard, unanswered, lost in the gap between here and heaven. Every door I knocked on was shut in my face. I was running into one brick wall after the other. And God just let me. Didn't God know I was going to give Him the glory if He gave me a baby? And didn't He want to be glorified?

I know now that God is not a Magic 8 ball. The heart of prayer is communication, and not just receiving what we ask.

I wish I could say there was one single turning point that just caused me to trust God. There was not. It was a progression. And it wasn't sequential. I'd have great strides in my faith, and then I would fall back into hopelessness and refuse to talk to God. At some point, though, I knew I was not walking by sight. I was walking by faith alone. I simply had to trust and believe my pain was not in vain. I was living out a purpose.

God's favor and His person are not synonymous. If my trust is in manifestations of God's blessing and favor on me rather than in God Himself, I will crumble and fail when He calls me to walk a distance of my journey entirely by faith, and not by sight.

I knew I was not waiting on man, I was waiting on God. I learned that when we sow in tears with the seed (God's Word), we will reap a harvest of joy. Don't give up. The harvest will come. That's just God's way.

My circumstances have not changed much in these last 18 months. I didn't have a baby then, and I don't today. But in my suffering, the circumstances of my heart are changed through a keen sense of God's presence and a lively perception of His activity.

And then I came across another quote: "God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because God knows the glory that is in store, He will risk being misunderstood. Yes, God wants us to have fulfilling, glorious, joyful lives. But He also wants us to have crowns to cast. Character to build. Rewards to receive. Testimonies to tell. Compassion to give. In the midst of those difficult times, God makes BOLD promises."

As I sit here and write this, on October 23, 2008, I don't know the end to this testimony. Will this be a testimony about answered prayer? Will this be a testimony about trusting God even in the midst of hopelessness? I believe it's both, but mostly, I believe it's a testimony about perserverence. It's a testimony about allowing God to prune you so you can be more fruitful. It's about knowing He is God despite my fluctuating circumstances. It's about knowing that my God is FOR me, not against me. He wants only the very best for me. He has a perfect plan for me. He's the God of perfect timing. I need to allow Him to give me that perfect gift, at the perfect time."

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Six days after I wrote that, we got a call from our agency saying our birthmom was going to be induced in 2 days, and that tomorrow, we should start driving down to her hometown.

Eight days after I wrote that, our son was born. We were there, and I cut the cord.

Nine days after I wrote that, we brought our son home.

Six months after I wrote that, our baby boy was declared by the courts to be legally ours.

Now, nearly two years to the day that I wrote that, God has placed a sibling for our son in my womb through the miracle of embryo adoption.

What a journey.

What is really the best part.

The best part of this whole journey was not the positive pregnancy test. It was not seeing the doubling of the numbers. It was not seeing the heartbeat. It was not hearing the heartbeat. It was not even seeing the stronger heartbeat after the slower heartbeat.

The best part of this journey is not waiting for a baby bump, waiting for the baby shower, waiting to deliver, waiting to hold this child.

The best part of this journey is none of those.

The best part of this journey is the intimacy with my God that I've experienced. The best part of any wilderness season is the closeness and dependence you feel on your Savior. The best part of this trial is falling on my face each day (sometimes multiple times), thanking God in the midst of my circumstances, and relying on Him each day to provide for me.

That is, by far, the very best part of my life.

Thank you, Thank you.

Thank you for all of your prayers and thoughts. They mean so much to me!

The awesomely wonderful news is that our little diamond ring (that's what it look like on the screen) has a heart rate now of 121 bpm! And has grown from 2.8mm to 6.8mm in just 4 days!

Thank you, Jesus!

Next freak out will be at the 9 week appointment.... Just kidding! I'm trying really really hard to stress less, trust more! Thanks for bearing with me, ladies!

xoxo

Heartbeat.

I hesitated posting anything about this, but in the spirit of transparency and seeking support and prayer on this journey, I'm going to share.

As you know, we had our ultrasound on Monday. I was "six weeks, zero days," as the doctor kept reminding me. The heartbeat was 90 bpm. She said that was fine, considering I was, again, "six weeks, zero days."

However, I had my phone consult today with NEDC and my dr. there was slightly concerned that the heart rate was on the slower side. He suggested I get an ultrasound in the next few days. Being me, that has to be tomorrow. He'd like to see a heartbeat around/over 100 by tomorrow.

I'm writing to ask for your prayers. Please pray that this little being is growing strong and healthy and that we see a strong heartbeat tomorrow.

I'm clinging to a verse sent to me today by a dear friend:

"blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45

I know that this baby never was, nor will ever be mine. It is God's gift to me, but this child is ultimately His. I know and trust that He is in control and He was not surprised that we've encountered this bump. I continue to cling to the belief that we will deliver this child.

That's all I have and all I can do.

God spoke.

We had our 6 week ultrasound today.... and saw (and heard!) one heartbeat!

It was funny because the doctor at my outside monitoring facility walked in and said, "You are 6 weeks, zero days today. I do not expect to see a hearbeat. WE (our facility) does not schedule ultrasounds until at least 7.5 weeks. "

I didn't know how to respond to this, so I just clenched my husband's hand tighter, kept my arm over my face, and just prayed.

Sure enough, there was that blessed flicker. A hearbeat. I squeezed my husband's hand even tighter.

Then she said, "You know, you normally can't hear a heartbeat, but you're so thin, we might be able to." And sure enough, "chug... chug... chug...chug". 90 beats per minute, which she said was good for again, repeating very sternly to me "Just 6 weeks, Zero days."

Now to the title of this post. God is amazing (duh). But I'd been praying earnestly and trying to seek His voice. I was starting to get confused between His voice, and my own voice of fear. Every once in a while, I'd get some clarity, but then my Fear Voice would just trample all over it.

But in the midst of the chaos, God has been telling me for a while that He took one baby home, but that we'd see a heartbeat today.

And that's just what He did.

Just some honesty.

I'm told we're pregnant. I believe we're pregnant. Yet, some days, I don't "feel" pregnant. And that worries me. I start getting all anxious and in a tizzy, and it's just a mess.

In those moments, I fall flat on my face, confess it, and just pray that God continues to grow this baby(ies) inside of me.

I confess I compare my beta number with others (I'm sorry --I crinkle my nose to even say that out loud). I try not to get wrapped up in symptoms (or lack thereof), but I do.

And it's in these times when I'm flat on my face, just crying out, that God just comforts me. He tells me to rely on Him, not symptoms. To trust Him, not a number. That it's in these times when I don't "feel" preggo, that I need to remind myself of what I believe He's told us from the beginning -- this will be a sustained pregnancy that will result in a healthy delivery. But it's between now and this point where I'm going to have to trust Him, repeatedly.

Someone who struggled with infertility once told me that she thought the worrying stopped with a positive pregnancy tset. Then she thought it would stop with an ultrasound. Then she thought it would stop with a heartbeat. Then she thought it would stop with the second trimester. Then she thought it would stop when she got to the hospital to deliver. Then she thought it would stop when that baby was in her arms. And now, as a mom to a living, breathing child, she realized you never stop worrying for your child.

To be a mom means that you agree to forever have your heart live outside of your body.

I agree with that.

Lord -- I hold this baby (or babies) with lose and open hands. They were never mine to begin with, and even when (not if!) I deliver it/them, I will only continue to be the steward of this gift on earth.