Five years ago today...

... I stood in a hospital room, holding a precious baby boy.

A mixture of emotions consumed me.  This baby was not genetically mine.  And yet, I loved him instantly.  A flood of unconditional love and affection had washed over me the second I saw his little head pop out.

I turned to look at his beautiful birthmother.  She was calm.  I know now that her heart was breaking inside, and it took every ounce in her to not crumble.  She was telling herself to stay strong.  This is what is best for him.  She loves him. 

I turned back to look at the baby boy in my arms.  Pink cheeks.  Auburn hair.  Blue eyes that couldn't stay open for but a few seconds. 

I couldn't lose him.  But, I also couldn't take him, either.  He had to be a gift.  Given over, freely.  That's the only way this could work. 

I kissed his forehead.  It smelled sweet.  New.  Soft. 

I stroked his hair, and rested my cheek against his. 

I looked up to see his birthmother smiling, approvingly.  She knew I loved him.  She knew he was ours, given by God to us, through her.  She felt confident in that.  Now, she just needed to get through the next few hours, days, and years. 

Not much has changed in these last five years. I still kiss my son's forehead, stroke his hair, and rest my cheek against his.  His hair has darkened, and so have his eyes.  But now he has lost his first tooth.  Now he speaks in paragraphs.  Now he wrestles his sister to the ground.

My love for him has also changed.  For a while, I struggled feeling like I was nothing more than his babysitter.  I struggled fully stepping into the "Mommy" role.  I felt if I did, I was somehow replacing his birthmom, whom I also loved. 

It took many months to realize that not being that Mommy, 100%, was doing a great disservice to my son, and his birthmom.  She didn't go through this incredible sacrifice for me to be just a babysitter. I needed to fully assume the role she had entrusted me with, and take hold of my title as Brae's Mommy.

So, that's what I've done. To this day, while I have taken full ownership as Mom to my little boy, it's never far from my mind that he is still just on loan to me. He is God's child, and there is only so much I can do to protect him. I need to trust that just as freely and lovingly as God gave him to us, I need to equally as freely and lovingly give him back to God, each and every day.

Happy birthday, my baby boy.

We love you.

Scenes from Fall...

Five things I've learned while living with the in-laws....

1.  Brae and Sienna miss "home."  They keep asking when they will go "home."  I keep telling them we don't have a home right now.  Sure, I could get into a theological engagement with them about how home is where your heart is, blah blah blah.  They are 4 and 2.  I'm not. 

2.  Naps are nice.  Very nice.  When you are shacking up with another family, there's not a lot of "honey-do" items for you to do.  It's not your house.  You have to know your place.  So, we take lots of naps instead.

3.  VCRs and tapes still really do come in handy.  They are more durable and scratch-resistant than DVDs.  My in-laws have VCRs.  And lots of tapes.  I like them.

4.  I'm a lot more low-maintenance than I thought.  I've packed my socks in some box that is now in a POD somewhere miles away.  No big deal.  I can wear the same socks a couple, three, four, ok, five times in a row.  Don't judge. 

5.  We are very blessed to have this as an option.  It sure beats the Holiday Inn.

Moving.

We sold our house a month ago.

In one day.  For above asking.  So, we asked for more.  And they accepted.  We hadn't even put our sign up yet.

I guess you can say that God was telling us to get the heck out of our house.

We had been thinking about it for a while - moving to a neighboring suburb with fantastic schools, and closer to friends and family.

We had no idea it would happen so fast.

We had not bought another house. 

I had many mental breakdowns in the first week after we sold.  Where were we going to live?

So, then we started looking.

We made an offer on House #1.  1970s.  Half acre.  Colonial.  Needed some updating.  We made them an offer.  They countered.  We countered.  I got cold feet.  We rescinded.

Lot of money, and still a lot of work.

So then we made an offer on House #2.  1970s.  Awesome neighborhood.  Dutch Colonial.  Needed lots of updating.  We made them an offer. They countered.  We accepted.  Inspection time came.  Lots of problems - radon, sewer, etc.  We asked them to repair half of what the inspection suggested.  They basically said no, and that they were done negotiating.  Take it or leave it.

We left it.

We made an offer on House #3.  2008.  Traditional.  Move-in ready.  We made them an offer.  They countered.  We countered.  They accepted.  Inspection tomorrow.  Praying nothing major.

We have to be out of our house on Wednesday. From start to finish, it will be 32 days since the day we sold our house.  That is very fast. 

The new house won't be ready until end of October.  So, we'll be living with my in-laws for a few weeks. 

After sleeping on a blow-up mattress, in a sleeping bag, and eating out of tupperware dishes, I'm extremely excited to move in with them.

Brae and Sienna have been amazing - with all the houses we've toted them around to - telling them to "go pick out their bedroom" in each one.  They've picked out about 8 bedrooms now.  They probably have no idea which house is actually theirs, at this point.

But, they don't care.  They just want us to make tunnels out of all the spare boxes in the house, eat lots of take out and pizza, and move in with Grammy and Guapo for a while.

I miss being a kid.

A Wedding. And a Divorce.

A few weeks ago, one of my best girlfriends got married.  It was an honor to be there for her special day, and to be able to stand next to her as a bridesmaid.

Also standing next to her as a bridesmaid was our other very dear friend.  She is going through a divorce. 

The dichotomy of the two still sends chills down my spine.

In the midst of the celebration of two amazing people finding love, another life is falling apart because of a lack of love.  While one man in a tuxedo proudly proclaimed his love in front of a hundred people, another man in sweats is sneaking around, cheating on his wife. 

There were several moments during the day when my sweet friend had to leave the festivities to just weep.  The "Father/Daughter" dance was especially hard. 

My heart just ached for her. 

It's hard to know what to say in moments like those.  She has two children.  Young children.  And her life is falling apart before her eyes. 

So, sometimes, it's better to say nothing at all. 

Instead, I weep with her.  And I hold my children a little tighter.  And I give my husband a kiss, and say "Thank you." 

I once heard someone say that if everyone was forced to put all their crap in a big pile, take a step back and look at everyone else's crap, every single one of us would gladly go back to the pile, and grab our own crap back. 

Behind every smile, is a load full of crap.  Be nice to someone today.