It's no secret among my friends and family that I wanted this third
child to be a girl. In fact, for much of the pregnancy, not only did I
want a girl, I did not want a boy.
I don't have a good
explanation for this, other than it was just my heart's desire. I love
my son, and I love my daughter equally - immensely. But I just did not
picture the child I was carrying - the first and only genetic one - to
be a boy. I pictured a girl.
And I named her. Her name was Hannah.
I've
posted before that this name has tremendous significance for us. It
was to be Brae's name if he had been a girl, and simply coincidentally,
it was Brae's birthmom's last name.
It is the name of the woman
in the Bible who struggled with infertility. And, it is in honor of me
and my sister - each of our middle names is Ann.
But, I didn't have a girl. Instead, I have this miracle. This boy.
When I gave birth, and saw him, I think I was in shock. I was so not expecting a boy. I was convinced I was having a girl.
Thankfully,
by God's grace, the last emotion I felt was disappointed. I was
completely elated. He was here. This complete shot in the dark
miracle. I didn't even remember that I had so desired a girl.
But, then what about Hannah? This elusive child.
I've come to terms with the fact that our family is complete. And I will not have another girl. There will be no Hannah.
And
yet, Hannah, and all that that name signifies, is in each of my
children. Hannah represents our infertility journey. Our struggle to
grow our family.
Hannah is here.
Hannah exists.
I see her every time I kiss my children's faces.
And am thankful that she is exactly where -- or who -- she should be.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Monday, August 18, 2014
Biting.
Sienna has started biting. Other kids. Smaller kids.
This is new for us, and actually just started in the last couple of weeks. It has happened three times - each time when the other child either took a toy away from her or was otherwise interfering with her play time.
One time, she broke skin.
It's mortifying.
Each time, the other parent has been extremely cool and understanding (I hope I would be, too). I remorsefully explain this is new behavior and we think is related to her new baby brother and adjusting to her new normal. It doesn't make me feel better to provide this explanation, but I hope it somehow arouses enough sympathy in the other parent so they don't label me as "unfit" for allowing me to bring an untamed child into public.
Sienna knows biting is wrong - and she's old enough to use her words to speak up. I'm not quite sure where this is all coming from, except maybe it's the perfect storm of turning 3, becoming a big sister, and a middle child.
My heart goes out to her.
This is new for us, and actually just started in the last couple of weeks. It has happened three times - each time when the other child either took a toy away from her or was otherwise interfering with her play time.
One time, she broke skin.
It's mortifying.
Each time, the other parent has been extremely cool and understanding (I hope I would be, too). I remorsefully explain this is new behavior and we think is related to her new baby brother and adjusting to her new normal. It doesn't make me feel better to provide this explanation, but I hope it somehow arouses enough sympathy in the other parent so they don't label me as "unfit" for allowing me to bring an untamed child into public.
Sienna knows biting is wrong - and she's old enough to use her words to speak up. I'm not quite sure where this is all coming from, except maybe it's the perfect storm of turning 3, becoming a big sister, and a middle child.
My heart goes out to her.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
The annals of Graem.
Graem. My third child. My only genetic child. My son.
This post is dedicated to him, and his first 5 weeks of life.
He loves to be held. This is what I can say is his most defining feature right now. He can be screaming bloody murder and the second you pick him up and hold him, he just melts into your arms. Or, maybe it's just my arms, as Tygh is convinced this is not the case when he tries to hold him and soothe him. When he's not being held to sleep, it generally takes him quite a while to fall asleep, and it usually involves lots of noise making (grunts, squeaks, fake cries, real cries), and a vibrating chair, and a special blanket delicately draped over his head - wait, am I too high maintenance?
He's a binky baby. Not necessarily my choice, but it started in the NICU, and it's been his friend ever since. Brae was also a binky baby; Sienna was not. There are pros/cons here, but it is what it is. The biggest con right now is that the second that binky falls out when he's asleep, he's awake, and he wants it back. Now.
In the little bit of awake time he has during the day (most of it is taken up nursing), he has started to enjoy floor time. He's rolled over from his tummy to his back a couple times, probably accidentally. He also recently discovered his hands. They make a good (albeit temporary) substitute for the binky when it has fallen out.
He loves baths. He hates being cold and getting his diaper changed. But, like being held, the second his little body slips into that bubble bath sink and the warm water curls up around him, he is in heaven. He looks up at me with these navy blue, almond shaped eyes as if to say, "Ohhh, yes, thank you." And then he just grins this silly little grin for the rest of the bath.
He likes to feed - frequently. I obviously was not able to nurse Brae, and Sienna was a challenge to nurse because of the torticollis. So, I'm used to formula-fed babies. Formula-fed babies sleep longer than breastfed babies. I knew this, and yet now I really know it. During the day, Graem will generally go 3 hours between feeds. At night, I've been as lucky to get a 5 hour stretch (once). Generally, it's between 3.5-4 hours. But, sometimes (and earlier this week, twice in a row), it is every 2 hours.
I believe in the Babywise method for eat-feed-sleep, but even Babywise acknowledges that for the first month of life (which is what Graem is still in, age adjusted), the on-demand feeding works well. Even more so for preemies. Even more so for breastfed preemies. So, I plan to continue this on-demand feeding until about 2 months of age, when the milk supply is supposed to be established, and I can get on a more normal schedule.
Graem looks just like his dad. But he does have my ears - very small. It is still an adjustment to look at him and to believe that he is genetically part me, and part Tygh. I know so many take that for granted; I don't. He (like his siblings) is a complete miracle.
Brae just loves being his big brother. He is very proud of him. Whenever I venture out with the three of them, he's always showing him off - to the store clerk, to the person behind us in line, to a complete stranger passing us on the sidewalk. He just thinks he is the neatest thing. Like a show-n-tell toy.
We're still working with Brae on recognizing how big his body is compared to Graem, and to exercise some self-control. Graem just makes him so excitable. Tygh keeps reminding me we need to let Brae hold him regularly, and I do. I even let him carry Graem the other day (slightly frightening). Brae really wants to carry him down the stairs - we aren't there yet.
Sienna adores Graem. She is very motherly. Every time Graem cries, she either yells at me: "Mommy! Feed him!" or "Mommy, where's his bottom?" (Bottom is pacifier - I don't know where she came up with that). And, if she can't find his pacifier, she sticks her finger in his mouth (again, we're working on breaking that bad habit).
One on one, they are each great with Graem. Together, they fight over him. That eventually leads to them wrestling eachother, as I rush to get Graem out of harms way.
As for me and Tygh, this last month feels like a complete blur. Since I left work in such an unexpected hurry, I've never really left work. My plan (approved by my amazing boss) was to work part-time from home until January, and to take August off. With Graem coming a month early, I didn't want to leave work hanging. So, I've really been working part-time, from home, since Graem was born. It actually has worked out well. Brae and Sienna have been in camps during the day, and I've been able to work when Graem sleeps. Thankfully, we have a housekeeper (a Godsend), so I'm able to ignore the dirty floors and forget about cleaning the toilets, which has been a huge blessing right now.
And, I really like to work. I enjoy my job and the people I work with. I long ago came to terms with the fact that I'm just not a full time stay-at-home mom. I am in awe of those who are, and who do it well. It's just not me.
Tygh was never able to really take a paternity leave - his industry just isn't set up for that. But, he took several days off when Graem was first born, and has been a ton of help with Brae and Sienna. I get up with Graem in the middle of the night (another side effect of nursing), and Tygh takes him for a couple hours in the evening so I can tend to Brae and Sienna.
My personality is not one who does well sitting. So, pretty much since Graem has been born, I've been just as active as I always I am. I went for my first walk the day I got home from the hospital. And I started running a few weeks ago (a complete sanity saver for me). At my three/four week doctor check up, I'd lost 23 pounds, so still 12 more to go.
I also regularly go out with the three kids. It's been a complete learning lesson for me. I've learned that I have to nurse Graem right before I put him in the carseat so I'm not stuck at the mall with Brae and Sienna and Graem needing to eat. I've learned that if I do have to nurse when I'm out with the kids, I have to go somewhere where Sienna cannot run off (which she does, regularly). I've learned that grocery shopping with 3 small kids is completely insane, and not recommended.
Phew. A long one, but I had a lot to say. All in all, my heart is full. I am content.
My mom asked me the other day what was next? Great question. We've spent the last 7 years growing our family, it's hard to think about what to do now.
Just enjoy it, I suppose.
This post is dedicated to him, and his first 5 weeks of life.
He loves to be held. This is what I can say is his most defining feature right now. He can be screaming bloody murder and the second you pick him up and hold him, he just melts into your arms. Or, maybe it's just my arms, as Tygh is convinced this is not the case when he tries to hold him and soothe him. When he's not being held to sleep, it generally takes him quite a while to fall asleep, and it usually involves lots of noise making (grunts, squeaks, fake cries, real cries), and a vibrating chair, and a special blanket delicately draped over his head - wait, am I too high maintenance?
He's a binky baby. Not necessarily my choice, but it started in the NICU, and it's been his friend ever since. Brae was also a binky baby; Sienna was not. There are pros/cons here, but it is what it is. The biggest con right now is that the second that binky falls out when he's asleep, he's awake, and he wants it back. Now.
In the little bit of awake time he has during the day (most of it is taken up nursing), he has started to enjoy floor time. He's rolled over from his tummy to his back a couple times, probably accidentally. He also recently discovered his hands. They make a good (albeit temporary) substitute for the binky when it has fallen out.
He loves baths. He hates being cold and getting his diaper changed. But, like being held, the second his little body slips into that bubble bath sink and the warm water curls up around him, he is in heaven. He looks up at me with these navy blue, almond shaped eyes as if to say, "Ohhh, yes, thank you." And then he just grins this silly little grin for the rest of the bath.
He likes to feed - frequently. I obviously was not able to nurse Brae, and Sienna was a challenge to nurse because of the torticollis. So, I'm used to formula-fed babies. Formula-fed babies sleep longer than breastfed babies. I knew this, and yet now I really know it. During the day, Graem will generally go 3 hours between feeds. At night, I've been as lucky to get a 5 hour stretch (once). Generally, it's between 3.5-4 hours. But, sometimes (and earlier this week, twice in a row), it is every 2 hours.
I believe in the Babywise method for eat-feed-sleep, but even Babywise acknowledges that for the first month of life (which is what Graem is still in, age adjusted), the on-demand feeding works well. Even more so for preemies. Even more so for breastfed preemies. So, I plan to continue this on-demand feeding until about 2 months of age, when the milk supply is supposed to be established, and I can get on a more normal schedule.
Graem looks just like his dad. But he does have my ears - very small. It is still an adjustment to look at him and to believe that he is genetically part me, and part Tygh. I know so many take that for granted; I don't. He (like his siblings) is a complete miracle.
Brae just loves being his big brother. He is very proud of him. Whenever I venture out with the three of them, he's always showing him off - to the store clerk, to the person behind us in line, to a complete stranger passing us on the sidewalk. He just thinks he is the neatest thing. Like a show-n-tell toy.
We're still working with Brae on recognizing how big his body is compared to Graem, and to exercise some self-control. Graem just makes him so excitable. Tygh keeps reminding me we need to let Brae hold him regularly, and I do. I even let him carry Graem the other day (slightly frightening). Brae really wants to carry him down the stairs - we aren't there yet.
Sienna adores Graem. She is very motherly. Every time Graem cries, she either yells at me: "Mommy! Feed him!" or "Mommy, where's his bottom?" (Bottom is pacifier - I don't know where she came up with that). And, if she can't find his pacifier, she sticks her finger in his mouth (again, we're working on breaking that bad habit).
One on one, they are each great with Graem. Together, they fight over him. That eventually leads to them wrestling eachother, as I rush to get Graem out of harms way.
As for me and Tygh, this last month feels like a complete blur. Since I left work in such an unexpected hurry, I've never really left work. My plan (approved by my amazing boss) was to work part-time from home until January, and to take August off. With Graem coming a month early, I didn't want to leave work hanging. So, I've really been working part-time, from home, since Graem was born. It actually has worked out well. Brae and Sienna have been in camps during the day, and I've been able to work when Graem sleeps. Thankfully, we have a housekeeper (a Godsend), so I'm able to ignore the dirty floors and forget about cleaning the toilets, which has been a huge blessing right now.
And, I really like to work. I enjoy my job and the people I work with. I long ago came to terms with the fact that I'm just not a full time stay-at-home mom. I am in awe of those who are, and who do it well. It's just not me.
Tygh was never able to really take a paternity leave - his industry just isn't set up for that. But, he took several days off when Graem was first born, and has been a ton of help with Brae and Sienna. I get up with Graem in the middle of the night (another side effect of nursing), and Tygh takes him for a couple hours in the evening so I can tend to Brae and Sienna.
My personality is not one who does well sitting. So, pretty much since Graem has been born, I've been just as active as I always I am. I went for my first walk the day I got home from the hospital. And I started running a few weeks ago (a complete sanity saver for me). At my three/four week doctor check up, I'd lost 23 pounds, so still 12 more to go.
I also regularly go out with the three kids. It's been a complete learning lesson for me. I've learned that I have to nurse Graem right before I put him in the carseat so I'm not stuck at the mall with Brae and Sienna and Graem needing to eat. I've learned that if I do have to nurse when I'm out with the kids, I have to go somewhere where Sienna cannot run off (which she does, regularly). I've learned that grocery shopping with 3 small kids is completely insane, and not recommended.
Phew. A long one, but I had a lot to say. All in all, my heart is full. I am content.
My mom asked me the other day what was next? Great question. We've spent the last 7 years growing our family, it's hard to think about what to do now.
Just enjoy it, I suppose.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Pictures and Graem's First Month
Graem's due date was last Friday, yet he's been here for exactly one month already. I still can't believe how small he is, although he is starting to look more like a typical newborn. At his last appointment, he was 7 lb., 7 oz, and just over 20 inches. Developmentally, he's on target, and the doctor who did his circumcision (ouch!) said he had no idea Graem was premature until he looked at his chart.
Graem is a laid back little dude. He hates being cold, and he loves to be held. If you can satisfy those two needs (apart from the whole feeding/sleeping thing), he's a happy camper.
Nursing is going remarkably well (praise God!). With Sienna's torticollis, nursing was a challenge. I ended up pumping, breastfeeding, and supplementing for four months before I raised the white flag.
Graem has been a whole new story. It took some time, but we've finally hit our groove with nursing. This was a huge prayer request of mine, and I feel so grateful to be able to do it. My goal is to get him to 6 months, when I have to go back to work full time.
The sleep deprivation has eased up a bit. I try to nap once during the day. Graem gives me about 3.5-4 hour stretches at night. If I don't nap, and it's been a rough night with Graem, I notice my patience wears very thin. Since I don't want to lose my patience with Brae and Sienna, those naps are crucial.
Brae and Sienna have remembered how to use the toilet now (thank goodness), and generally seem to be adapting better to Graem. They still want to hold him, touch him, kiss him, and generally pester him constantly, but also are more receptive when its time to stop.
Tygh enjoys his new son, and its becoming more apparent how much he and Graem look alike. In fact, looking at Graem is like looking at Tygh's face on a small body. A little strange.
When Graem was 2 weeks old, we took the following photos. (PS - the 4th of July quilt is one that was given to us by a volunteer when Graem was in the NICU - a very special blanket).
Enjoy!
Graem is a laid back little dude. He hates being cold, and he loves to be held. If you can satisfy those two needs (apart from the whole feeding/sleeping thing), he's a happy camper.
Nursing is going remarkably well (praise God!). With Sienna's torticollis, nursing was a challenge. I ended up pumping, breastfeeding, and supplementing for four months before I raised the white flag.
Graem has been a whole new story. It took some time, but we've finally hit our groove with nursing. This was a huge prayer request of mine, and I feel so grateful to be able to do it. My goal is to get him to 6 months, when I have to go back to work full time.
The sleep deprivation has eased up a bit. I try to nap once during the day. Graem gives me about 3.5-4 hour stretches at night. If I don't nap, and it's been a rough night with Graem, I notice my patience wears very thin. Since I don't want to lose my patience with Brae and Sienna, those naps are crucial.
Brae and Sienna have remembered how to use the toilet now (thank goodness), and generally seem to be adapting better to Graem. They still want to hold him, touch him, kiss him, and generally pester him constantly, but also are more receptive when its time to stop.
Tygh enjoys his new son, and its becoming more apparent how much he and Graem look alike. In fact, looking at Graem is like looking at Tygh's face on a small body. A little strange.
When Graem was 2 weeks old, we took the following photos. (PS - the 4th of July quilt is one that was given to us by a volunteer when Graem was in the NICU - a very special blanket).
Enjoy!
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