Happy 4th birthday, my Pumpkin Boy

 To my precious Pumpkin Boy, born Halloween, 2008:

1. I love you more than I could ever possibly say.  Four years ago, you made me a Mommy, and I have never been the same since.

2. You have one of the best personalities I have ever met, in any human.  You make me laugh, without fail, every single day.

3. You love chocolate.  In every form -- liquid, solid, and probably even gaseous.

4.  You are smart, quick-witted, energetic, infectious, and absolutely loveable.

5. You have one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen.  And you use it to tackle your sister every morning.  

5. You are a ball of energy.  I could chase you around all day long.  And, I do.

6. You love life.  You are curious about it and all the people in it.  I know this, because you ask "why?" after every little thing I say.  

7. I can't write much more because the tears are already starting to well up in my eyes when I think about how much I love you.  The sheer idea of you not being in my life physically sickens me.  You are a complete miracle, ordained to be ours from the beginning of time.  Yet, I recognize that I don't own you.  You aren't mine to belong to.  You are your own, unique, amazing person. You are a gift to us.  Simply on loan, for a short time.

May you come to know, love, and trust the God who made you, who loves you, and who has spectacular things in store for you.  

I love you, son.  Happy birthday, baby boy.

Love, Mommy.

Brae-isms

1. Scene: an early Monday morning, in Mommy and Daddy's closet. 

Brae (to Daddy): "Daddy, I'm going to pick out a shirt for you to wear today at work."

Daddy: "Ok."

(Several minutes elapse.  Mommy at bathroom counter getting ready.  She doesn't see the following conversation, but just hears it).

Brae: "Ok! I've got a shirt for you, Daddy! Here."

Daddy: "No, Brae, I'm not wearing that shirt to work."

Brae, crying: "What? Why not, Daddy? I picked it out special just for you. I want you to wear it today.  You need to wear it today!"

Daddy: "No, pick out another shirt."

Brae: "No!" (full on crying now, temper-tantrum mode, on the floor, kicking and screaming).  "Wear this shirt! I picked it out just for you! Why won't you wear the shirt I picked out special for you? That hurts my feelings.  Wear this shirt, Daddy!"

Daddy, very calmly: "Brae, I'm not wearing Mommy's shirt to work.  Pick out another one."

***

2. Scene: a park, on a sunny Fall day.  Brae walks to the middle of the grass, pulls down his pants, and his underwear, and then bends down to touch his toes, bare bum high up in the air. 

Mommy, walking quickly over to him, trying to act calm: "Brae, what are you doing?"

Brae: "Mommy, my bum needs some sunshine." 

***

3.  Scene: Brae, at the coffee table, going through his preschool workbook.

Brae, talking to himself, pointing in the book: "Smallest, largest, ummm... mediust.  Biggest, littlest, mediust."

***

4. Brae is into storying.  This means that he does not want me to read him stories anymore; he wants me to make them up in my head and tell him a story.  And, in what ever story of what ever version of what ever I can possibly come up with in my head, Brae has to be a kung fu warrior. 

***

5. Scene: Brae, at his friend's birthday party.  His friend is also adopted. 

Mommy: "Brae, did you know your friend [Gabriel] is adopted, just like you? That makes you both so special."

Brae: "You mean Gabriel came out of [birthmom]'s tummy, too?

***

6.  Scene: In car, driving home.

Mommy: "Brae, your birthday is coming up.  Are you excited?"

Brae: "Yeah, but Mommy, I don't want to get pushed out of [birthmom]'s tummy ever again."

Mommy: "Okay, I think that can be arranged.  Can I ask why not?"

Brae (wide-eyed): "Because I didn't like it.  It was scary."

Mommy: "Well, maybe that's because you were born on Halloween."

How to Protect Your Child from a Predator

A few weeks ago, we took a class on children and sex abuse.  It's part of the class series we have to take to complete our application for adopting through the state.  It was definitely the hardest of the 8 classes we have to take. 

After listening (for 3 hours!) about the different types of sex abuse (thanks to the Internet, so many child victims don't even know they are being victimized), and about the different forms a predator can take (a grandmother!?), I was feeling pretty deflated.

How can we possibly protect our children from predators? 

Predators are a sneaky bunch.  They find their victims, "groom" them (gain their trust), "groom" the parents (gain our trust), and then the abuse starts slowly.

By far, most predators are people that the child, and the parents, know.  Which makes it all the more insidious.  And just plain scary. 

So, I couldn't leave the class without an answer.  I had to know: How can we possibly protect our children from predators?

Up went my hand.

And the answer they gave was, I found, very profound.

The best way to protect your child from a sex abuse predator is to encourage your child to develop his/her own gut instinct.  

Sounds simple, right?

Well, I speak for myself when I say that I have unknowingly discouraged my child's own gut instinct on several occasions.

I've done it nearly every holiday when I push encourage Brae to go give his second cousin, thrice removed,  a big ole' hug and kiss, even though he hasn't seen her since the last holiday.  And when he cowers behind my legs refusing to go over there, I tell him he's being impolite. 

Or, when I force encourage him, every Christmas, to go sit on the lap of some strange man with a long beard wearing a funny red suit, whisper in his ear what gifts he wants, and then smile for a camera. 

And what am I doing each time I do this? Well, according to the "experts," I am telling my son to not trust his own gut instinct.  I'm telling him to ignore that little voice in his head, or that pit in his stomach, or those goosebumps that  those warning signs are not to be trusted.

Ignore them.  Go ahead, take candy from a stranger. 

Go ahead, get into the back of some man's van because he tells you he has ice cream. 

Go ahead, get in someone's car because they tell you they are taking you to Mommy and Daddy.

Sure, maybe I'm going to a bit of an extreme, but I'd rather have the second cousin, thrice removed, feel slighted by a 3-year-old than to quash my son's own gut instinct. 

So, Mr. Santa, we will not be sitting on your lap this Christmas if my kids don't want to.  Thank you, very much.  And they will still get presents on Christmas morning.  If for no other reason than to teach them that there is no punishment for going with your gut. 

Five Things You May Not Have Known About My EA Journey

Five things you may not have known about my EA journey:

1) Sienna was one of 9 embryos frozen.  Six were adopted by another family.  None survived the thaw.  We adopted the remaining 3.  One didn't survive the thaw.  Two were transferred.  Only Sienna made it.  She's one of 9 genetic siblings to have survived the 10-year wait.

2) We almost chose anonymous adoption.  However, it was my husband's comment that because we already have a son who has an open adoption, it didn't seem right to not also have an open adoption with any other child brought into our home.

3) We almost didn't go through NEDC.  We actually simultaneously pursued 2 other agencies.  Living in Oregon, traveling to Tennessee (twice) seemed like a huge effort.  However, after talking to 2 friends who had done EA with NEDC, I was convinced NEDC was the place for us.

4) I am Sienna's biological mom.  Her genetic makeup is not my own (thank you, donors!), but it was my heart, my womb, my body that was her home and kept her growing for those 9-10 months.  And, I'm so grateful Sienna doesn't have my genetic makeup.  Because, then, she wouldn't be Sienna.

5) On the day we were to find out our beta number, I had written down a list of positive truths I wanted to read if the results were negative.  I still have that list.  Here is what some of it reads:

-- I did not fail.  This was not my fault.  

-- The road and wait to get to Brae was long and hard, but in the end, we received the best of what God had in store for us.  

-- My faith will get me through this.  God was not surprised by this.  He's sad because I'm sad, but He smiles at what lies ahead for me.  GOOD gifts. 

Our news.

A couple weeks ago, I mentioned that we would have some "news" to share.  And the time has come to share it.

It's no secret I want a bigger family.  From age 2-6, it was just me and my sister.  I was the oldest; she the youngest by 2 years.  After my parents divorced and each remarried, I had 3 new, older stepbrothers that I grew up with from age 8 until each brother left home.  I went from being the oldest to being a middle child.

I love being a part of a bigger family.  I love the chaos, the noise, the laughter, the tears, the joy, the sorrow, I love it all. 

However, our road to growing our family has not been easy.  It has been the most difficult trial of my life.  And, I've had quite a few trials.  This one takes the cake.

We adopted our son through private, domestic infant adoption. It was a phenomenal journey of faith.  And, if you've ever adopted, you know what a ride adoption can be. 

We adopted our daughter through private, embryo adoption.  Again, another phenomenal journey of faith, but of a different kind. 

We've done our fair share of fertility treatment, and to be honest, I'm open to doing it again.  I want to be pregnant, again.  Which, for those of you who walked that journey with me, it's astonishing for me to say that.  Pregnancy was an odd experience for me.  But, I'd love to do it again.  And, if I'm honest, I still pray for a spontaneous pregnancy miracle one day that results in a live birth. 

My husband, not so much.

He's content with two and has resisted every time, for the last year, that I have tried to broach the idea of more kids.  

Given our fertility struggles, I'm thankful to have a husband who has absolutely no desire for a genetic child, and also could not care less to see me pregnant again.  And yet, since Sienna was born, I've been pestering encouraging my husband to talk about growing our family. 

Eventually, he agreed to revisit the conversation over Labor Day weekend (fitting).  So, for months, I bit my tongue and waited for that weekend to come. 

It came.  We had the whole long weekend to ourselves, kids with my parents, and it was a perfect time to reconnect, and talk about more kids!

As the weekend drew to a close, the time had come to revisit that conversation that had been smoldering in my heart since Sienna's birth.  I had written a letter to my husband, which I read to him, and explained my desire for a third child, and how I'd love to experience pregnancy again.  I was open to doing embryo adoption again, or even more fertility treatment.  In my heart, I just believed (and still do) that either of those options would work for us. 

After I was done with my letter, my husband closed his eyes, tilted his head back, and paused.

And paused.

And paused.

I was certain he was going to say that he was content with two kids, end of conversation, and I needed to get on board.

But then, he spoke.  And the words that came out of his mouth were nothing short of completely remarkable to me. 

"So," he began, "I've been thinking and praying about this for months. No more fertility treatment.  No more shots, money, time, doctor's appointments, no more.  No more worrying about whether we're pregnant or whether the pregnancy is going to stick.  So, no more pregnancy.  And, I'm not a big fan of the infant stage."

My heart sank.  I felt the tears coming.

"But," he started again, "I'm open to more kids.  But, I want to do things differently this time.  I want us to adopt a child who really needs a home.  I want us to adopt a child through our state's foster system.  And, I'm even open to adopting a sibling group.  God has softened my heart to these kids who are in unfortunate circumstances through no fault of their own.  We can give them a home."

A surge of hope welled up in me, and I leaped to him and gave him a big hug.

We had never talked about this before.  This was never an option that we had ever sit down and discussed.  And yet, although I was filled with a new sense of hope and excitement, it was quickly replaced by fear and trepidation.

Aren't these children "damaged"? I don't want an older child.  I want a baby.  Don't these children have significant special needs? We can't take that on. This means I won't be pregnant again. 

And, shortly after sharing our news with friends and family, those same fears were confirmed.  Others had the same reaction.

What are we doing?

Well, in a nutshell, we're trusting God.

So where are we now in the process?  Well, first let me say that adopting through the state is a very different experience. It is much more intense, and many more families get weeded out than in private adoptions.  But, we're staying the course.  This week we will complete our sixth of eight classes we need to take.  We've submitted our formal application.  Background check is underway.  In two weeks, we will be assigned a case worker and wait for the homestudy process to begin.  Then, we wait.

And wait.  We expect the wait will be a couple years given the criteria we've chosen (so far).  We do want a younger child, but are open to more than one child.  We also recognize we don't have the capacity to care for a child with "significant" special needs.  We are going into this process with our eyes wide open, recognizing that we are making a lifelong decision.  The child(ren) need to be a right fit for us, and we need to be a right fit for them.

But the more that we've dived into this process, the more Tygh's enthusiasm is wearing off on me.  God has given me a heart for these children.

And, although I still desire to have a miraculous spontaneous pregnancy, it is quietly being supplanted with the desire to adopt one (or more!) of these children.  I no longer want a pregnancy and a newborn in place of adopting; I want it in addition to.

I keep speaking about a miracle pregnancy.  And yet, as I write this, I'm realizing that my husband's change of heart, and his heart condition in general, is a miracle in itself.  For that, I am so thankful.

Brae, for one, is also very excited about growing our family.  He will tell you that he wants a younger brother and sister, and after that, an older brother and sister.

In closing (and sorry this is so long), what has me most excited about sharing this news with you is that this is an option open to most e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e who wants to start a family.  It's not available to just the fertile, or just those with money.  This is an option for you, if you have walked a path similar to mine and the journey to growing your family has not been easy. 

This could be your solution. 

Your "Plan B" may have been God's "Plan A" all along.  It may be time for you to get on board.

I encourage you, if your heart has at all been pricked by the adoption bug, to learn more about it.  If money has ever been a hindrance to you pursuing adoption, I encourage you to go to an informational session about adopting through your state. 

It's not at all what you think.

It is so much better.