It is set!

I just heard from the nurse coordinator in Tennessee. We are confirmed for a September transfer! Thank you, Lord!

I still have to say, because it's my nature, that if my thyroid levels are out of whack when I get them re-checked, things can always change. But for now, we're set for September 18. The nurse said she will be working on medication protocol over the next couple of weeks, so we hope to hear from her soon.

We are also waiting to hear from our adoption coordinator about the adoption paperwork with our genetic families.

The roller coaster is speeding up.

A date. For now.

We have tentatively been scheduled for a transfer date of September 18!

We would have to arrive in Tennessee on September 17th, and the transfer would likely be in the morning of the 18th. I believe we'd be cleared to fly home the late afternoon/evening of the 19th.

There is a HUGE asterisk on this date, in my book. And that totally depends on what my thyroid levels are in 6 weeks. I started taking the new dosage this morning. I even read the disclaimer language that comes with all mediciations (you know that big pamphlet that you just throw away). I think this may be the first time in over 15 years of being on thyroid replacement meds that I actually read this thing. I noticed something interesting. It said "do not take for treatment of infertility, unless infertility is linked with thyroid levels". Hmmm. Not really sure what to make of this.

In any case, it's nice to have a date. For now.

The embryologist said she would first thaw Ohio's embryos until she had 2-3 to transfer. If only one survived, she would start thawing Michigan's embryos until there is a total of 2-3 to transfer. I'm not even going to pretend to understand the logistics of the timing of it all. Outta my hands.

And speaking of that, I came across this great poem today on another's blog. Very fitting:


Waiting
"But those who wait on the Lord will find strength. They will fly high like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. The will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Desperately,
helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently,
lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate.....

and the Master so gently said,
Wait.

Wait? you say wait?
my indignant reply.
Lord, I need answers,
I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened?
Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance
and you tell me to Wait?

I'm needing a yes,
a go-ahead sign.
Or even a no,
to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord,
that if we believe,
We need but to ask,
and we shall receive.

Lord, I've been asking,
and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking!
I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, Wait.
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God,
So, I'm waiting
for what?????

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine....
and He tenderly said,
I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and
darken the sun. I could raise the dead
and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek
and
pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want
but
you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know
the depth of My love
for each saint.

You'd not know
the power that I give
to the faint.

You'd not learn to see
through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust
just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy
of resting in Me
when darkness and silence
are all you can see.

You'd never experience
the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit
descends like a dove.

You would know that I give,
and I save, for a start,
But, you'd not know the depth
of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort
late into the night,
the faith that I give
when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond
getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who
makes what you have last.

You'd never know should
your pain quickly flee.
what it means that My grace
is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams
overnight would come true,
but, oh, the loss, if you missed
what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child
and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts
is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers
seem terribly late,
My most precious answer
of all is still........

Wait.

An update -- kind of.

I received word from Tennessee this morning that the doctor is adjusting my dosage again to hopefully get my levels down even more -- trying to hit that 1-2 level mark.

I'm supposed to get re-checked again in 6 weeks. That will put me at the first full week of September.

As of now, they don't "think" that will affect my September transfer, but it is cutting it awfully close.

I'm not necessarily optimistic that we'll be in the September group, but if this is what it takes for my body to be in the best possible shape for a healthy transfer, then I'm trying to see it as a positive thing.

Just more waiting.

Update.

Monday: We spoke with our adoption coordinator about our level of openness. We actually got to learn the names of our genetic families, but for privacy reasons, I won't post here. Suffice it to say, they are both very traditional, lovely names. The coordinator will now speak with each family and get their level of openness. Once we have an agreement, the adoption paperwork and all the legal "stuff" will be put together. I did reiterate that I'd really love to be able to email with both of the genetic donors (at least the women) by email before the transfer. Hopefully they will want that, too!

Tuesday: I had my blood drawn for my thyroid test. You'll recall 6 weeks ago, in Tennessee, the doctor noticed my thyroid was very large and asked that it get tested. It was at a level 13. (Normal levels are between 1-5; but preferred levels for pregnancy is 1-2). So the dr. immediately changed my meds (dosage, brand, etc) and I've been taking them religiously ever since. Religiously means every day, on an empty stomach, nowhere near calcium (which counteracts the effectiveness).

I went in and a phlebotomy student asked if he could take my blood. I said sure, so long as he was good, because I hate needles. Well, of course, he wasn't. He missed my vein, started digging, and eventually the nurse came over and demanded that he remove the needle. He didn't get any blood, so the nurse came over and jabbed my other arm. I have a bruise today on the other.

Today: My doctor very kindly sent me results first thing this morning, and they were at a 3.71. This is certainly a big improvement, but it's still not within the magic 1-2 mark. I sent the results to Tennessee, and they are going to get back to me.

My head has been spinning all day as to what they may do, and I'm trying really hard not to speculate, and just trust that whatever they decide is all a part of God's greater plan. So, I wait. And you get to wait with me. ; )

Love from Michigan.

Our Michigan couple has 'accepted' us! I have to be honest, that when it didn't happen as quickly as Ohio, I started to get a little nervous. Maybe they wanted a family that didn't have children already? Maybe they don't like blondes? Maybe my 5'2 (and a half) frame is too short for the 5'10 Irish/German brunette?

Michigan was also given a week to look at our profile, and chose us within 24 hours. Thank you, Lord, for not making us wait on this!

Both of these profiles have been referred to our adoption agency to start the openness arrangements. I remain hopeful that we will be able to communicate directly with them prior to the transfer.

I did learn that the couple that had adopted Ohio's other 6 embryos had previously "accepted" all 9, but after they did not achieve pregnancy (for whatever reason) with the 6, they "released" the other 3 back to Ohio. I can only speculate as to what reasons for that may be. Maybe they were disenchanted with the embryos, with the process. Maybe they tried two transfers with these embryos and decided to pursue other options after they were not successful. I'm trying not to analyze it too much. Ultimately, these embryos were "released" back to Ohio so that we could adopt them! Is that too Pollyanna? I don't think so. I think that's God.

I have to admit that yesterday I was very bummed that we now have two sets of embryos from two different couples. It's like adopting two babies at the same time from two different birthmoms. If you're unfamiliar with this process, it just seems straight weird. Heck, even I will admit it feels a little weird.

But now I'm actually embracing it. One of the benefits of an open embryo adoption is that we now have the pleasure of embarking on this journey with another couple who is JUST AS INVESTED in the outcome as we are. That is another family, another extended family, another prayer circle, many states and time zones away, who want this to work just as much as we do. Now, we've doubled that pleasure by having TWO families, two extended families, two more prayer circles who want this to work just as much as we do. That is just plain awesome. We feel humbled and privileged that these couples have chosen us to try and further the lives of these embryos and, God willing, be their parents.

I've always been humbled by the selfless acts of birthmoms. Today, I am humbled by the selfless acts of genetic families. These families love these embryos. They are their flesh and blood (in really raw form). These couples also struggled with infertility and loss and grief. And I'm sure that when these embryos were created, it was a miracle, and they never envisioned "giving them away" to a couple they had never met. We feel privileged that they would hand over such an amazing gift of life to us.

One other neat fact -- Michigan's 4 embryos that we are adopting were likely frozen within days/weeks of when Brae was born! That is just plain cool.

As a practical matter, I do not know how the embryologist will work out the whole thawing process in our situation. I suspect, but do not know, that she will thaw Ohio's 3 and transfer whichever ones survive (1-3). Then if Ohio's doesn't result in pregnancy, we will go back again and try with Michigan.

I have my thyroid test next Tuesday. That test will likely determine whether we are going in September or November for our transfer. How lovely that a tiny butterfly-shaped gland in my body has so much control. I do feel that my thyroid levels have definitely changed in the last 6 weeks, because I have so much energy I have difficulty falling asleep at night. I'm like a flea on a hot skillet -- constantly. So I hope my thyroid has not over corrected.

"Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am TRUSTING You. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to You." -- Psalm 143:8.

A curve ball.

I received a call this morning from our coordinator at NEDC. She informed us that although Ohio couple DID have 9 embryos at one point (3 blastocysts; 6 multi-cell), that another family had already adopted the 6 multi-cell embryos and did not achieve pregnancy. So our Ohio couple has only 3 blastocysts to donate.

Because NEDC requires us to be matched with at least 6 embryos, we could either 1) select a "backup" couple or 2) not proceed with Ohio and start the match process all over again.

This was a major shock and a major blow. We did not see this coming. I made a game time decision to proceed with Ohio and look at "backup" couples. I did this for a few reasons. One, we love our Ohio couple. It is as close to a "perfect" match as we could envision. Second, we feel committed and connected to this couple, and believe that they are relying on us as much as we are on them. Third, because of our "pickiness", we have already so narrowed the pool that it would be hard to start the matching process all over again. Fourth, because many of the couples have fewer than 6 embryos, we'd likely have to have another backup couple anyway.

The added complexity with doing it this way is that we have to get matched with a backup couple that has at least 3 embryos also frozen at day 5 (blastocyst). You can't transfer a day 3 and a day 5 embryo for obvious reasons. The babies need to grow at the same stage together.

So our coordinator sent us 2 profiles. As further evidence of how small our pool is since we 1) want an open adoption, 2) do not want egg/sperm donors, and 3) need at least 3 blastocysts, our coordinator accidentally sent us a profile that we had already rejected. So, we rejected that one again. We did select the other couple as the "backup" couple. The coordinator is sending our profile to them for them to accept/reject us.

This couple is a little younger. They live in Michigan. (We don't know the ages of the Ohio couple, but we suspect mid-30s; embryos likely frozen about 5 years ago). Michigan wife is 28; he is 29. Unlike Ohio, they did not provide a picture. But they have twins -- a boy and a girl born in August 2009. They have 4 embryos, frozen at day 5. We assume they were frozen around the time she acheived pregnancy, so about 18 months ago. So they are relatively "new" snowflake babies.

They are both 5'10 (tall girl!). Both Caucasian, brown hair, brown eyes, medium builds, both of Irish/German descent. They are both college educated. She is an account manager; he is an electrician. Just like Ohio, they have spotless medical histories.

They both love country music (sorry, Tygh! -- but I'm a huge fan). He likes to hunt, fish, boat, camp. His favorite movie is Top Gun. She's a swimmer and loves Kenny Chesney.

All in all, they are a great match. In fact, if we had not already found Ohio, we'd be thrilled to be matched with Michigan. It's just the strange turn of events. And now they have to choose us back. If they don't, who knows where we'll be.

If this works, we will adopt all 7 of the embryos. Ohio's 3 will be thawed first, and see where that gets us. Michigan's would only be thawed if necessary. If pregnancy was not achieved, then we could go back again and try with any of Michigan's that remain.

It is not lost on me that Ohio's 6 (frozen at day 3 or 4) that were previously adopted did not result in a pregnancy. Statistically, blastocysts have a higher success rate than those embryos frozen at day 3 or 4. However, NEDC has assured us that those national stats have not proven accurate at their facility, and they have had equal success rates with embryos frozen at all stages.

This is all even more strange because just this morning I was thinking how much easier it would be to just do domestic adoption again. Yes, the emotional part would probably be the same. Yes, the financial part would probably be the same (after we got the domestic adoption tax credit). But with domestic adoption, I won't have to put myself through the physical rigor that embryo adoption will require. It will be a mini-IVF all over again.

And then my beloved sis-in-law, Kelly, sent me a great email this morning that set the stage for the events that followed. It was a daily devotional titled "The Plans of the Builder/Have Thy Own Way, Lord".

I quote, "Plans change, whether we like it or not. God's intervention in our lives always suits His purposes. He is the homeowner and we obey by adjusting our perspective and and following His blueprint with each situation. Lord, You're the builder, and I'm the worker. I will put my plans for today in second place and allow Your divine purposes to rule. "

Am I reaching too much by again acknowledging that Michigan husband is an electrician -- get it -- God is builder -- he is electrician -- no? ; )

Happy tears!

Ohio couple chose us back! Yay! I got the surprise email in my inbox this morning!

It was a surprise mostly because it happened so quickly -- we just chose last night (at least it was night eastern time), and apparently they accepted very quickly because it was in my inbox very early eastern time this morning! (And they were given a week to make their decision)!

To my other surprise, when I saw that, I just burst into happy tears.

It's been a whirlwind week with the NEDC.

Now, the match has been sent to Bethany to mediate the openness agreement. We're told that we should not expect to hear anything from them for 2-3 weeks because they are working on the July matches. Also in 2-3 weeks is when I go in for my thyroid test.

And in the midst of all this, I cannot forget the one amazing little boy who God has already blessed us with. I love Brae with all that I am and Tygh and I are so blessed to be his parents. We are thankful for our infertility journey because without it, we would not have that little boy, who has brought us such joy, and apart from each other, is our greatest gift here on this earth.

We've made a choice!!!!!!

YAY! It feels SO good to say that!

Here's the rundown: We got the 3 profiles and Tygh and I looked at them separately and we had both chosen the same one first! (I knew we would).

Here's what we know:

They live in Ohio. Both Caucasian of German descent (like me!). They have twins; a boy and a girl. They have 9 embryos (so we won't need to be matched with any other couples -- this is our one shot!). He is 6'2; she is 5'6. He has brown hair; brown eyes. He weighs 230. She has brown hair; blue eyes. She weighs 120. (okay, right about now I feel like we're "shopping" for a match -- please don't take it that way -- this is just the couple we felt most connected with).

They are both college graduates; she has her masters degree. He is a Director of Purchasing. She is an HR Manager.

Now for the major commonalities: He loves 80s music! (huge plus in my book). He loves James Bond movies; the Rolling Stones; golf; played college football; and plays 3 instruments!
And get this... SHE loves 80s music! And she was a cheerleader! She plays 2 instruments!
So Tygh and I were smitten with all of the above (we got a lot more detail than this in the profile, but the blog post would be really long). But, to boot, they were the one profile of all the 6 that had pictures. And, can I just say, they are a mighty fine couple with two GORGEOUS children.
So next steps are that the coordinator will send our profile to them (yikes, hard for me to remember what we said; what pictures we sent -- hope they were good!), and if they "accept" us in return (please, Lord!), then we work with the adoption agency to arrange an openness agreement. I hope they are open enough to chatting via email or on the phone before the transfer.

Can you tell we've fallen in love with a family in Ohio?!

Thank you, Jesus, for making this couple stand out so profoundly to us! Onward!

More Profiles!

There was an unexpected email in my inbox this morning! Three more profiles to review! Woo hoo!
The coordinator did say that because we do not want egg/sperm donor, that excludes about 30-35 percent of the donor pool. We're okay with that -- smaller selection means God is narrowing down the group we have to select from -- and getting even closer to that match or matches we believe He had planned for all along. We have been praying very specifically for whatever couple/embabies we would get matched with since before we started this process almost 10 months ago!
We pray that our embabies/match couple is in this group of 3, or at least one of them is. More likely than not we'll have to do a second round of matches because the couple we select will have less than 6 embryos (most of them do).
So Tygh and I will review separately and then compare notes tonight.
Exciting to be at this stage!
We want obedience every step of the way. We believe God honors obedience. We don't know what that looks like for us in this situation -- we pray a pregnancy -- but it may be for a higher purpose.