A genetic child: does it feel different?

I've been asked this question a lot lately, by others, and by myself.  Now that Graem is here, does it feel different having a genetic child?

For those of you who may not know, we adopted our son, Brae, as an infant through the domestic infant adoption program.  We adopted our daughter, Sienna, as an embryo through the embryo adoption program.  Neither is genetically related to me or Tygh. 

And yet, they are fully our children.

With Graem, we did IVF, with our own ingredients.  Something we never thought possible given our fertility history.

So Graem is genetically related to us; Brae and Sienna are not.  None of our children is genetically related to the other.

And yet, they are still fully each our children.

With Brae, I felt love I never knew possible.  This little boy came out, and stole our hearts immediately.  I tell Brae that although he did not grow in my womb, he grew in our hearts.  I used to say that I'd walk in front of a semi-truck for him, and I still would.  It never mattered that he did not share our genes, and that I never carried him.  He was our son. Completely.

With Sienna, my heart grew in ways I didn't know possible.  I mean, the heart is a physical being, and yet mine grew beyond its physical capabilities.  With Sienna, I got to experience pregnancy, also a gift I didn't know I'd be able to have.  I also got my daughter.  She captivated our hearts from the moment she was thawed and transferred, through each and every ultrasound, and to the moment where she graced us with her presence.  It never mattered that she did not share our genes.  She was our daughter. Completely.

With Graem, my once completely full heart exploded again.  I never thought I'd have the opportunity to look into a child's eyes and see my own.  To gaze at their toes, and wonder if they looked like mine.  Graem has satisfied a yearning and a curiosity I thought would forever be wanting.  And, you know what?  I'd love him just as much if he did not share our genes.  If I did not carry him.  He was meant to be our son, and for me, that's enough.

So, the answer is "no," it does not feel different to have Graem.  I don't compare him to Brae or Sienna.  I don't look at Graem and say, "Oh, he's "mine."  Never.  I look at each of my children, and say they are each "mine." 

Because they are.  No matter how they came to us.

Regression.

Regression.  The act of stepping backwards.  Pretending to not be able to do something that you had previously mastered.  Example: Bedwetting, peeing on floors, peeing in your clothes even though you have been potty trained for years.

We are experiencing this phenomenon in our house now.  Graem has arrived, which means that Brae and Sienna have each forgotten how to use the toilet.

Makes complete sense.... right?

How the arrival of a new baby correlates to a preschooler's and pre-kindergartener's bladder is beyond me, but I know it's common. 

In any case, it's our life right now.  Brae seems to have improved, but Sienna is still peeing on her floor at night.  She's using the toilet everywhere else - at other people's houses, at school - just not at home.

I know it's a phase, and we'll get through it.  Just not sure our carpets will.

Post-baby blues

Someone in our house is struggling with the post-baby blues.  For once, I wish it were me.

It is Sienna.

She has taken baby Graem coming home harder than anyone else.  She is just all out of sorts. 

Temper tantrums.  Whining.  You name it.  She has brought the full force of her 3-year-old self to bear on our family.

I know this transition is hard for her, which thankfully, I'm able to remember when I otherwise could lose myself to impatience.  She is struggling, and I empathize.

God knew what He was doing when bringing Graem into our family. For so many reasons, it is good he is a boy vs. a girl.  The main reason I appreciate now is because I don't think Little Miss could handle the direct competition of another girl in the family.  The fact that he is a boy suits her better for her motherly role, and she does dote on him.

She loves him; she's mad at me.

Each night, I tell her how special she is to me.  How she's my only girl.  My princess.  I tell her I understand how hard this change must be, and it's ok to be upset.

She just nods, smiles, and tells me she wants strawberries.

Yesterday, we went to the library and got her some "big sister" books.

I don't know how much she is able to comprehend of what I tell her, or what we're reading in the books.  She isn't able to communicate fully how she's feeling with the transition.  My heart just goes out to her. 

I know this is just a season, and we'll get through this transitory phase soon.  Hopefully, relatively unscathed. 

Graem - Pictures

Graem's Birth Story

It was about 2:30 am on a Tuesday morning.  I was sleeping.  I awoke to feel something trickling  down my leg.  I prayed it was not blood.

I got up, and water started gushing. I knew what this was.  Same thing happened with Sienna. 

But, I was not prepared for this. I still had almost exactly one month to go (35 weeks/5 days).

I woke up Tygh.  Calm and collected, he told me to call the dr.  The dr. told me to go to the hospital. 

I wandered aimlessly around the house, waiting for Tygh's mother to arrive to watch Brae and Sienna.  I had nothing packed.  I didn't even know where to begin.

I finally managed to throw some stuff in a backpack, and we were out the door.

We headed to the best NICU hospital in the area, just in case.

When we arrived in triage, the nurses weren't sure it was really my amniotic fluid.  I assured them it was.  Nonetheless, it took about 45 minutes for a positive test to come back, and they admitted me.  We were going to have this baby, early or not.  I was 3 cm and 80%.

Contractions started pretty soon after that, but then died down.  We started Pitocin.  That was slow to kick in.  I walked around the hospital, bounced on a yoga ball, and they kept upping the Pitocin. 

I labored without drugs until I was about 8 cm.  Then, I got them.  As an aside, I continue to admire moms who labor without any drugs (like Brae's birthmom).  I feel I could have done it, physically, but mentally, not so sure.

I got the epidural just in time.  An hour and three pushes later, we were surprised and blessed with a baby boy.  He is the only genetic link to Tygh's side of the family that will carry on the family name.  I know that is special for Tygh.  Hence, it was important to him that he have a Gaelic/Irish name, like Brae.  Thus, Graem was born.  5:16 p.m.  Tuesday, July 1, 2014.  He was 6 lbs., 7 oz.  18 inches long. 

NICU staff was present for his birth, just in case.  However, when he came out crying, they left. 

Graem did great for about the first hour.  Then, he started grunting when he was breathing.  Slowly, the grunting increased in intensity and was constant.  The nurses said that was a sign he was struggling to breathe. 

Around 10 p.m., the nurses took him to NICU for observation.  At 2 a.m. the next day, he was put on CPAP (a breathing assistance machine), a feeding tube, and hooked up to all kinds of monitors.

I broke down in the nurse's arms when I saw him for the first time like that.  It was so... unexpected.  All of it. 

And, there he stayed, under 24 hour NICU supervision for the next 4 days.  I visited every day, multiple times a day, even after I was discharged just two days after he was born.  It was excruciating leaving the hospital without him. 

On the fifth day in NICU, the doctor thought he was improving enough to be taken off CPAP.  So, he was, and never looked back.  Although he kept losing weight, his breathing was getting stronger.  Finally, a day shy of 1-week old, we were able to bring Graem home.  It was one of the biggest reliefs of my life. 

Graem's birth story is unique, like every child's.  I'm so grateful for the NICU staff.  I'm so grateful Graem was as big as he was, one month early.  The doctor said that is the single biggest factor in why he was likely discharged sooner than expected.  Apparently, most 35-weekers that have breathing problems are in the NICU for weeks.   So, I now look back at the last several months, particularly, where I seemed to be gaining weight so rapidly.  Everyone commented about how large I was getting, for still having so far to go.

Well, now we know.  God was preparing his little body to be better equipped to enter this world sooner than we all expected. 

Graem was the biggest baby in the NICU, by far.  He was also the latest term baby.  Most of his neighbors were born around 31 weeks, weighing just a pound or two.  And yet, by the grace of God and modern medicine, each of them will likely be just fine.  (There's a NICU reunion every year.  A club I never thought I'd be a part of). 

I'm surprised to have a genetic child, period.  I'm surprised it's a boy.  It is all surreal.  I have a picture of Graem as a 4-day old morula.  And now, he lays before me, today, on what would have been his 37th week in utero. 

It's magical.

"Some babies are born in nine months, by the clock.  Some babies are born, and they sit up and talk.  Some babies are born, and no doctor is there.  But some babies come in on a wing and a prayer."

- Garrison Keillor.

An unexpected delivery

On Tuesday, July 1, at about 2:30 am, my water broke.  Exactly one month early.

We went to the hospital, it took them a while to confirm it was in fact my water, and then I was admitted.  I started contracting on my own, and eventually got Pitocin.  I was able to labor to about 8cm until I got the epidural.  About an hour after that, our son was born, at 5:16 p.m. 

He weighed 6 lbs., 7 oz., and was 18 inches long.

He did well for about the first hour and then we could tell he was laboring to breathe.  They monitored him for several hours and then took him to the NICU around 10 p.m.  Around 2 am, he was placed on the CPAP machine to help him breathe easier, and was given a feeding tube.

Last night, he graduated to the next level at NICU, but remains on CPAP and a feeding tube.  I was discharged yesterday, and it was heart wrenching leaving him behind.  I plan on visiting him 3x/day until we can bring him home.  At this point, we are hoping that will be sometime next week.

So many feelings, thoughts, etc. running through me right now.  But this is all I can manage to write at the moment.

Praise God our son, Graem Owen George Colton, is here.