Painfully approved.

I had been in this same room many months earlier, and remember feeling tremendous hope at that time.

Now, this same room seemed dimmer, smaller, colder.

As I flipped through the 25 pages of our personal homestudy report at our local Department of Health & Human Services office, I felt a wave of panic.  Who would ever want a family like ours? Who would ever choose us?

When you read a personal account of your 30-some years on Earth, from a complete stranger, it's an odd experience.  Harsh.  Objective.  Judgmental.  Devoid of any emotional connection to the life that I actually lived.  And, since it's not trying to be an award-winning autobiography, it also lacks a sense of cohesiveness that feels like you're reading a story.  Instead, it feels like you're reading an indictment.

As I read through phrases like "Britney dresses with flair," and "Britney is assertive," and "the Colton's efficiently run home life doesn't leave much room for children breakdowns," I felt . . . exposed.  Vulnerable in a way I'd never felt before.  (Now, I don't even know what "dresses with flair" means, except it harkens me back to the movie "The Office," and Jennifer Aniston's work uniform suspenders decorated with buttons). 

I also didn't like how I was presented in this report.  I closed the last page feeling, Is this really how people see me? I felt like I came across as Cruella Deville.  Assertive?  Would she use such an adjective describing a man?  It took everything in me to bite my tongue and not say, "Dear caseworker, in my professional world, people return phone calls promptly.  People respond to emails promptly.  Simply following up on an unanswered phone call or email categorizes me as assertive?" 

But, of course, I didn't say anything.  I didn't want to be assertive.

So, instead, I bit my tongue and marveled at how anyone would ever want to subject themselves to the last 12 months that we've been through with this homestudy process. 

Delay upon delay upon delay.  Unanswered emails.  Unanswered phone calls.  Countless meetings, pages of notes, all culminating in a 25-page report that labeled me, in my opinion, as someone I would not want to be friends with.

As our caseworker politely explained that this is her job - all reports look like this - we're a "good family," I thought back to a sign I had seen walking into the building that day.  It was a poster taped to the receptionist's desk.  It read, "147 children today are waiting in foster care to be adopted.  Will you be the family they've been waiting for?"

I had to chuckle.  Really? That sign insinuates that the child is waiting for a family to decide to adopt.  Instead, the truth is that the child is waiting for the State to have more resources, more caseworkers, and more time for probing into the lives of decent families. 

Those 147 children are not waiting on families like us.  They are waiting for the State to get out of its own way and remove the bureacratical blockades.

As I feel my blood pressure start to rise just writing this, I realize it's time to close.  And, just as anti-climatic as it felt yesterday hearing the words from our caseworker as we left the room ...

Our homestudy has been approved.

Birthfamily visit #4

We had our annual birthfamily visit with Brae's birthfather and his side of the family.  I've said this each year, but they really do keep getting better and more comfortable.

We met at a local amusement park and the kids had a blast going on all the rides and into all of the little venues. 

Brae knew more about his birthfather this time around, mostly just from being more able to understand.  I had tried to tell him that his birthfather, along with his birthmother, had helped create him and loved him very much.  And then his birthmom pushed him out of her tummy, right into Mommy and Daddy's arms.  It was an act of selflessness, love, and sacrifice. 

Knowing all of this, as soon as we got to the park and met the birthfather's family, Brae immediately said, "Ok! So which one of you pushed me out of your tummy?!"  It was the ideal icebreaker.

Brae and Sienna both hammed it up the whole visit, putting everyone in stitches.  Sienna being her usual hostile, spunky self, and Brae just willing to do anything for a good laugh. 

We didn't get personal until near the end of the visit when the birthfather's grandmother mentioned that Brae's birthfather still had a hard time with the adoption.  Of course, he was grateful and happy Brae was in such a good, loving home, and that all had turned out just fine, but still just mourning it all.  She asked if we'd be willing to speak with him sometime about how he was feeling.  Absolutely, we said. 

It hurts my heart that he feels that way.  I just don't want to see him hurting.  And, I cannot imagine the pain that he has endured during it all. 

I'm sure that pain never goes away.  The hope is that with open adoption, the pain of the unknown is somewhat diminished.  And, that over time, a relationship between the two of them can develop. 

At the end of the visit, as with all the other visits, they had early birthday presents for him.  And, very sweetly, they brought gifts for Sienna as well. 

We left with full hearts. 

Until next year!

Brae and his birthfather

 

Birthfather's family

 

Getting his Leapfrog "ipad"

 

Sienna walking off with her loot (a new backpack)

EA in the news!

I stumbled across this great article that made national headlines this last week.  What I love about this EA mom's story is just her sheer bravery to open up a very personal part of her life to the public.  A public that can be very harsh, especially about things they know not much about. 

And yet, while it is awesome that this is a national news story, it still baffles me that it is even a news story.  Perhaps it's because I'm connected to such a great EA community that it's hard to remember that EA is still relatively unknown. 

But, I love that it's being talked about, in a very non-judgmental and open way.  Hopefully this article will just continue to spawn discussions about people looking to grow their families, and those looking for options for their frozen embryos.

http://news.msn.com/science-technology/long-frozen-embryo-brings-joy-to-adoptive-parents

Scenes from a Family Vacation: Part II

Highlights of the summer:

Brae: 1) First loose tooth and 2) Riding a bike with no training wheels!

Sienna: 1) Speaking short sentences and 2) Using the potty - albeit only when she wants to

Enjoy!