I ordered our medicine today.
I feel neither good nor bad about that. Probably a little scared. You see, I've been down this road before -- kind of -- with IVF -- almost 2 years to the date. And it failed. I harbor no expectation that embryo adoption will work. I'm hopeful, but very very cautious and very guarded. I know that God is sovereign. I know that He already knows the outcome. I'm not afraid of my God, but I am reverently fearful of Him and His will and His perfect plan for my life. It may not be my idea of my perfect plan. But, if I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. I take this to mean that if I delight myself in my God, then my desires become His desires. I start to want what HE wants for me. Sure, I still have my fleshly desires to be pregnant and carry a child. I believe He placed those in me and, God willing, one day He will fulfill them, or take them away. I believe that.
But I'm not looking forward to this. This is my raw honesty. I'm not looking forward to the needle injections again. I'm not really looking forward to flying halfway across the country to Tennessee again (although they are a lovely bunch!). I'm not looking forward to 48 hours of bedrest. I'm not looking forward to abstaining from picking up my beautiful (but over 25 pound!) 21-month-old that I love so dearly (not allowed to pick him up for 2 weeks). And I'm really not looking forward to the beta test. (I will not stress myself out with a pregnancy test beforehand).
You see, I've received THAT call many many times before. Negative. Then I sob uncontrollably, yell at God, and curse at my body. So I'm a little guarded.
I don't know what my purpose is in this. I just know that we feel led on this path, but it may not be for a pregnancy. It may be to "release" these lives on hold to heaven. And although I don't like being the "martyr" for that cause, here I am. I feel I am being obedient.
We've turned down at least 2 leads for domestic adoption to continue on this path. We've put our own plans for a domestic adoption to continue on this path. We have essentially put our lives on hold to go down this path.
Do I really "want" to be doing this? Quite honestly, not really. I've been on a gluten free diet for over 4 months now to help "prep" my body (I have a gluten sensitivity). I miss bread. I want to eat a peanut butter sandwich, by golly! I've put my body through rigor to get my thyroid at the "optimal" level. And I just want to be done with it. I want to get off birth control and eat bread and have my thyroid do what it will and JUST.BE.
And yet, time after time, when I've gotten on my knees, face to the floor, and prayed that God would steer me off this path if it was not His will, He would. And He has not. If anything, He's confirmed this is what we are supposed to be doing.
Yes, this will all be hard to swallow if this does not result in a pregnancy. Very hard to swallow. But again, I just pray for peace. If I have peace, I can get through all of this and be okay with the outcome.
Lord -- I want what YOU want in this. You have a better plan than I do. You brought us our son that we love so much and if we had not struggled with infertility, we would not have been led to adopt, and we wouldn't have our son.
Some really raw honesty? I cannot imagine my life without my son. So, God, thank you for my infertility.
I feel your heart. I know all of these emotions too well. But, you are so right...God's plan is best and this is really just an act of obedience to Him - pregnancy/live birth or not. But, I will be praying for a pregnancy/live birth for all of us having September NEDC transfers!
ReplyDeleteThank you for putting into words what many of us have felt about trusting God with HIS will for our lives. Thank you for being raw. I hope your post will be an encouragement to others as well as we travel this journey of trusting God with our lives on a daily basis.
ReplyDeleteYour honesty is precious. I know what it means to 'stay in the race' when it would be easier to sit out. I think that's why I started crying when I read your post. I hear in your words- yieldedness and trust. I see a demonstration of obedience which, in my opinion, is a tremendous act of worship. I know that God will completely surround you throughout these next several weeks. "For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to show Himself strong for those whose hearts are completely His." II Chronicles 16:9a HCSB
ReplyDeleteYour heart is His. He will guard it!
Wow- I love this post and I love your honesty! I'm feeling the exact same way! Being down this road once before and it not working makes me almost scared to do it again and risk being hurt again but like you said, God has called us to this and we are to be obedient. Thank you for posting this (I may link to it, if that's ok). Keeping you in prayer!
ReplyDeleteAshley - of course it's okay. I'm humbled and honored that you think it is worth linking to your blog.
ReplyDeleteI would love to meet you too! We haven't gotten our date or anything yet but I'm hoping to talk to the nurse tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteHi Britney!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the beautiful message that you left on my blog. I am touched that you thought of me when you read that.
I too feel like I am being led to keep moving forward.
I absolutely get this feeling:
"I will not stress myself out with a pregnancy test beforehand."
UGH. I played mind games with when to test during both of the past 2WWs. It was torture and DH and I have decided that we won't go there again. I am thinking that my next FET will be in September. So, you and I will be pretty close in dates, huh?
I would like to link your blog to my home page, it that's okay.
Thanks for "stopping by." I always like to "meet" people who are following my journey. Best of luck and many prayers to you!
~Lacie
http://funnylittlepollywogs.com/
Thanks so much for the poem Britney, I loved it! (although shouldn't have read it at work!) =)
ReplyDeleteWowza, that poem was a tear jerker! Thanks!
ReplyDelete