Forewarned... more honest and raw thoughts...
I am (almost) over the desire to be pregnant. Instead of it being a huge flaming bonfire that consumes my daily thoughts, its now mostly a steady, but waning, flame.
Although this must have been coming on slowly, it didn't really hit me until last night. Yes, I would love to be pregnant, but at what cost? Before we decided to do EA, we were "trying" for so long to get pregnant. And, contrary to popular belief, that can be so un-fun. So, we're over that. I much prefer to have a "normal -not - trying" intimacy life with my husband than the timed and scheduled intimacy life that controlled and consumed so much of our time.
And now, with EA, at what cost am I pursuing my desire to become pregnant? I'm staring down the barrel of consuming myself with needles, ultrasounds, blood tests, long flights, bed rests, and abstaining from picking up my son and twirling him around above me. That last one is particularly hard to swallow. I love to pick up my son, hold him above me, and bury my face in his belly and tickle him as he laughs uncontrollably. I won't be able to do that for at least a week after I get home. That may sound like not a lot of time, and I can hear the responses in my head, "well, it may be worth it!" Is it? Really? It would only be "worth" it if I ended up pregnant. But is THAT even worth it? Again, I seem to be elevating my own desire for pregnancy over the son I already have. That doesn't sit well with me.
The only reason we pursued EA over another traditional adoption was to fulfill this desire in me to be pregnant. And now, well, honestly, I'm just slowly losing that strong desire. And I'm THANKFUL for that.
Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of mixed feelings about it, too. I still very much WANT to be pregnant. That desire will remain until it is fulfilled or God takes it away. But that desire is starting to take a back seat to my desire to JUST GROW MY FAMILY AND BE A MOM. I know pregnancy is not the only way to do that. And if my desire for pregnancy starts chipping away at growing my family and being a mom to my son, then I need to shelve that desire. Which, thankfully, God seems to be doing for me.
I want this EA to work. We feel led to pursue this path. Please don't mistake that. I want this EA, the first time, to result in pregnancy and allow me to experience what it's like to have a physical life grow inside of me. I do want that. If it doesn't work the first time, I think we will probably go back a second time until each of the 7 embryos we are adopting has been tried. But after that, I really think we're done. Done with it all. Buh-bye needles, buh-bye any kind of fertility treatment, buh-bye calendars and ultrasounds and blood tests and slowly depleting our bank account. Buh-bye timed intimacy, buh-bye ovulation kits, buh-bye pregnancy tests, and buh-bye painful phone calls from nurses telling us that, yet again, our monthly desire for a pregnancy has fallen short.
I'm DONE with all of that. My desire for pregnancy is not as strong as my desire to return to a "normal" life and be my husband's girlfriend, and my son's mother. We will continue to grow our family by pursuing domestic adoption. I will still long and pray to be pregnant, but that desire will no longer be allowed to roam free in my world and take up residency where other things -- like just living life -- should be.
PS -- I have a TON of mixed feelings about this entire post. But, in my raw honesty, I share them anyway.
I am (almost) over the desire to be pregnant. Instead of it being a huge flaming bonfire that consumes my daily thoughts, its now mostly a steady, but waning, flame.
Although this must have been coming on slowly, it didn't really hit me until last night. Yes, I would love to be pregnant, but at what cost? Before we decided to do EA, we were "trying" for so long to get pregnant. And, contrary to popular belief, that can be so un-fun. So, we're over that. I much prefer to have a "normal -not - trying" intimacy life with my husband than the timed and scheduled intimacy life that controlled and consumed so much of our time.
And now, with EA, at what cost am I pursuing my desire to become pregnant? I'm staring down the barrel of consuming myself with needles, ultrasounds, blood tests, long flights, bed rests, and abstaining from picking up my son and twirling him around above me. That last one is particularly hard to swallow. I love to pick up my son, hold him above me, and bury my face in his belly and tickle him as he laughs uncontrollably. I won't be able to do that for at least a week after I get home. That may sound like not a lot of time, and I can hear the responses in my head, "well, it may be worth it!" Is it? Really? It would only be "worth" it if I ended up pregnant. But is THAT even worth it? Again, I seem to be elevating my own desire for pregnancy over the son I already have. That doesn't sit well with me.
The only reason we pursued EA over another traditional adoption was to fulfill this desire in me to be pregnant. And now, well, honestly, I'm just slowly losing that strong desire. And I'm THANKFUL for that.
Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of mixed feelings about it, too. I still very much WANT to be pregnant. That desire will remain until it is fulfilled or God takes it away. But that desire is starting to take a back seat to my desire to JUST GROW MY FAMILY AND BE A MOM. I know pregnancy is not the only way to do that. And if my desire for pregnancy starts chipping away at growing my family and being a mom to my son, then I need to shelve that desire. Which, thankfully, God seems to be doing for me.
I want this EA to work. We feel led to pursue this path. Please don't mistake that. I want this EA, the first time, to result in pregnancy and allow me to experience what it's like to have a physical life grow inside of me. I do want that. If it doesn't work the first time, I think we will probably go back a second time until each of the 7 embryos we are adopting has been tried. But after that, I really think we're done. Done with it all. Buh-bye needles, buh-bye any kind of fertility treatment, buh-bye calendars and ultrasounds and blood tests and slowly depleting our bank account. Buh-bye timed intimacy, buh-bye ovulation kits, buh-bye pregnancy tests, and buh-bye painful phone calls from nurses telling us that, yet again, our monthly desire for a pregnancy has fallen short.
I'm DONE with all of that. My desire for pregnancy is not as strong as my desire to return to a "normal" life and be my husband's girlfriend, and my son's mother. We will continue to grow our family by pursuing domestic adoption. I will still long and pray to be pregnant, but that desire will no longer be allowed to roam free in my world and take up residency where other things -- like just living life -- should be.
PS -- I have a TON of mixed feelings about this entire post. But, in my raw honesty, I share them anyway.
Thanks for sharing this, Britney. I too have a desire to be pregnant, but it's not as strong as my desire to be a mom. Pregnancy would probably be fun - maybe not-some of my preggo friends have hated being pregnant but love being a mom!. God called Aaron and me to embryo adoption back in 2006 - 2 years before we ever even tried to conceive...we simply were planning to have children naturally (which is free) and save up money for an embryo adoption later. Once we found out about our male factor infertility, we were told IVF was the path we needed to pursue. We would probably have had great chances at conceiving, seeing as I'm only 25 (24 then) and my eggs are very healthy and I have no fertility problems. However, IVF costs money and so does adoption. We felt God leading us to adopt - first through embryo adoption. And if I do not become pregnant through all of my allowed attempts at the NEDC, we will most likely move onto foster care adoption. Pregnancy would probably be fun, but it doesn't consume me either at the cost of just being a wife and mother. :)
ReplyDeleteI can definitely relate to your mixed emotions. It will be amazing if we get to experience pregnancy, but nothing is better than being a mother. My strong desire to be pregnant led us to this option initially, but we too will be at peace with going back to "traditional" adoption if this does not work. Pregnancy may be 9 amazing months, but being a mom is forever. I am not sure if we will go for all 3 tries if needed. My husband and I have talked a lot about that. For now we will try at least twice. Hopefully only 1 time will be needed. And I do want it to work, but I am trying to prepare if it does not.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your feelings. I am one of those who've dreamed and fantasized about being pregnant for as long as I can remember. As a little girl, I have been obsessed with pregnant women and I am just in awe of the process of life growing within someone! I think it's an absolute miracle from God and I know that He's given me this desire for a reason. It is the desire of my heart and I stand on His promise to grant me that desire if I delight myself in Him. I do know what you mean, though. It is a huge cost and may not be worth it to everyone.
ReplyDeleteDear friend. Thank you for sharing your 'raw feelings'; feelings many of us have walked through. I, being on the other side after trying for 12 years and only briefly tasting pregnancy four times, am truly content with being a mom of one. I have definitely crossed the "done" line. Sure, if the Lord places a basket with a little bundle of love on our front porch, I'd gleefully take the gift. For now, I am content and that is the greatest peace and gift the Lord can give. I look forward to chatting about the normal days ahead in your life, but for now we continue to pray as you trust God through this journey He has you on and look forward to seeing the blessings He has in store for all three of you. I love you bunches.
ReplyDeleteDeeeeep sighhh.... I can and cannot imagine what you must be feeling right now. I think there is a deep hope in most women who struggle with infertility to experience the miracle of pregnancy...but for those who already have a least one child, it is scary to think we may be missing out on just being a good 'ol mom to our little one(s) in our pursuit for a pregnant belly.
ReplyDeleteI will continue to pray that God gives you clear direction as you and Tygh look to grow your family. Love you much!!!