20 minutes ago, this was going to be a very different post.
20 minutes ago, I was going to write what it is like to be pregnant for the first time (minus our early term miscarriage), with a second child. How, when you already have a child and are experiencing pregnancy for the first time, you are "robbed" of some of the pleasures of pregnancy.
You see, with a 2-year-old boy, I don't have time to sit on my couch, rub my belly, and dream what life will be like for our daughter. I don't have the luxury of coming home from work, and because I'm so fatigued, just going to bed. I don't have the pleasure of NOT getting up at 6:30 am on a Saturday because I'm so nauseated. It's no longer just me and my husband. We have a toddler to take care of -- together. (insert right here, mega gratitude for our son).
But, that was 20 minutes ago. Now, I feel silly (and selfish) for even thinking this way. 20 minutes ago, I learned a precious girl whose infertility journey I have followed since before we even got pregnant, lost her twins at 8 weeks. Yesterday, I learned another dear friend lost her child at 8 weeks.
God has catapulted me off my duff and right smack into: thankfulness. And I am. I know at any time up until now, and any time from here on out, He could allow Sienna to be taken from us. He could allow Brae to be taken from us. My husband, my mom, my sister, my everything. In a moment, I could be Job(ette).
And yet, God would still be the same. He'd still be loving, faithful, kind, good, amazing. And I would still be His cherished daughter whom He loves so much; for whom He sacrified His own son. (I can't say that I love anyone enough to sacrifice my son for death).
He would still be FOR ME. He would still know what is best. He would still cradle my life in the palm of His hands.
Yes, infertility has robbed me of a lot. But, in spite of it, God has given me so much more. He's given me a persepctive that, above all else, He is all I need.
He alone sustains me.
We do have much to be thankful for. We sang a song in church yesterday called, 'Healing is in His Hands'. It reminded me that no matter what we have gone through- from the pleasant to the painful- He has been there with us. Through it all, He has never forsaken us. You're right. He is all we need!
ReplyDeleteI so completely understand! I was getting ready to write a post about my little one not sleeping and then I read a blog about a 4 month old that passed away from SIDS just 3 days ago and now I am just thankful that I have my daughter to wake me up. It really does make you thankful.
ReplyDeleteI too have much to be thankful for! Many could benefit from a change in perspective.
ReplyDeleteThanks for acknowledging how incredibly painful of a time we are going though. May God continue to bless you throughout your pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same Britney. I was working on a post to publish a couple of days ago when I read Lacie's blog. I stopped dead in my tracks. I cannot even formulate sentences to post. You verbalized it all so well.
ReplyDeleteThings can definitely change with the blink of an eye, can't they? I have been studying 1 Peter which talks a lot about suffering. I am so very grateful for being able to have an eternal perspective as a believer and hope which does not disappoint. It really does make all the difference in the world. All of this suffering around us should definitely make us humble though and quick to not complain about anything! Thanks for the reminder. : )
ReplyDeleteI love following your blog because of your amazing faith. You are such an encouragement to me. While adopted embryo will be my first child, I've been consumed with fear that something will happen. (I'm just 8 weeks, so your posted started to rattle me a little.) But God HAS blessed us with so much. And if something terrible were to happen and we lost this little one... God would still be God and His ways would still be higher than our ways.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post!
Infertility does rob you of alot. And your situation is unique even further because you have a son and you're experiencing your first pregnancy this far. I don't think that it's being ungrateful, but your situation is unique and the feelings that come with it are as well. No one can fault you for that. We know you're eternally grateful for the gifts of your Brae and Sienna. Praying for your friends and you guys as you continue your journeys.
ReplyDelete