As I mentioned in my last blog, we went to an adoption/attachment seminar the other day put on by our church. It was presented by a doctor who is an expert in the field. The seminar was very informative, but I felt geared more toward those who have adopted older children or internationally. I'm sure all types of adoptions (even biological relationships for that matter) have some sort of attachment issues/attachment breaks, but I felt the attachment disorders we learned about more readily apply to older children and international adoptees.
That said, we learned a lot, and I'd like to pass along some interesting tidbits:
1. In the first year of life, a baby has no wants. The baby only has needs. If those needs are not immediately met (wet diaper, fed, tired), the child has a break in basic trust. If that basic trus is continually not met, the child begins to have an attachment break. (Again, this applies to bio/genetic children as well).
2. Beginning at about 4 months gestation, the baby desires and longs to look into her mother's eyes, and smell her skin. For children who are adopted domestically or internationally, if they don't experience those two things after birth, their body records an attachment break. Their mind may not recognize it, but their body keeps score. (I have trouble with this one, because I don't like to think my son's body is suffering from the fact he didn't look into his bio mom's eyes, or smell her skin). As the doctor said, "Even when victims forget, their bodies keep score."
3. There are 27 criteria in determining whether an infant has appropriately attached to her parents or not. A sampling: a) resists comforting or nurturance; b) poor eye contact; c) exceedingly demanding; d) stiffens or becomes rigid when held; and e) when held chest to chest, faces away.
4. There is another list for children under the age of 5. Tygh and I filled it out for Brae. Of the 30 criteria, we listed 23 as him exhibiting none of the behaviors. We listed 7 as him exhibiting "moderately." They included: a) angry or rageful when cries; b) exceedingly demanding; c) likes to be in control; d) cries or rages when held beyond his wishes; e) prefers Dad to Mom; f) get in and out of parents lap frequently; g) feeding problems.
5. In reference to the above, I have to ask myself -- do any of those behaviors seem abnormal for a 2.5-year-old boy? Don't most 2.5-year-old boys have temper tantrums? Demand things? Want to be in control? Don't want to be held when throwing a temper tantrum? Prefer Daddy (as a boy)? Are antsy? Want to eat only what they want to eat? .... This was the heart of my confusion with the seminar -- how do I know if what I see in my son is normal behavior vs. an attachment disorder?
Toward the end of the seminar, I had a mixture of emotions. Was my son's body suffering on a daily basis because he never looked into his bio mom's eyes? Did he have some kind of attachment disorder and I'm being naive? Is my son forever "ruined" because he had an attachment break at infancy?
As gloomy as some of the presentation was, in the back of the material, I learned that only 3-6% of the overall population actually have an attachment disorder. What we were listening to was the MINORITY and WORST cases.
Yes, it was good to have the information and general knowledge. Yes, I know that Brae will have to deal with certain feelings associated with being adopted. Yes, Sienna may have similar feelings as well. Tygh and I feel prepared and are open, ready, and willing to discuss their adoption stories with them at the appropriate times.
But, no, I don't think that either of my children are any more broken than so many of us who grew up with our biological/genetic parents. As the product of divorce, I'm sure I myself fall into some classification of an attachment break. I know that I can't "love away" an attachment break, but I refuse (perhaps naively) to believe that my son is wounded by the break from his biological family. Nothing at ALL against his bio family (when you adopt a child, you adopt the extended family as well), but blood does not make family.
I really think that because you brought your son home so young and he never dealt with physical neglect that any effects from being adopted will be minimal to nonexistent as far as attachment goes.
ReplyDeleteI think this comes into play more with older and international adoptees like you said. Especially those who have been physically neglected (or abused) might have more issues.
Brae's behavior sounds perfectly normal to me for a two-year-old as well. I wouldn't worry about it! :)
I agree! Well said! We went to an attachment class back in the winter and I felt the same things. Those are the worst case situations. It sounds to me like Brae is a typical and normal two and half year old! :0)
ReplyDeleteMy biological son is 3 and he fits all the criteria you described of your son....it just sounds alot like any 2-3yo boy.
ReplyDeleteOur daughter is 8 months and came to us via embryo adoption...she is more attached to me than my bio son EVER was.....each child is just different and I do believe that seminar really was geared more for older children or children who had been in an orphanage type situation.
You are not naive (sp?)...I am from a divorced family as well...but the love of my family still existed and I was a part of a family and I think that is what is most important to most kids....to belong and feel loved and feel safe. Sometimes I think the so called "experts" over analyze things just a bit too much and make them much more complicated than they really are.
kd
I was reading through the list of 'issues' under item 4, and said to myself: "well, he's two. No news there."
ReplyDeleteSo from a bio mom of 1.5 babies, I can tell you that kids in general power-struggle, become picky eaters, etc. etc., whether they're adopted or not. Brae is loved, as is Sienna, and I forget all the time that they're adopted at all.
I agree, it sounds like this seminar wasn't geared toward domestic infant or embryo adoption - so take what applies to you and your family and leave the rest. I don't think Brae or Sienna have anything to worry about... they KNOW they are wanted and loved.
ReplyDeleteDon't we all, adopted or not, have some form of attachment issue or another? We just need to teach our kids to place their value in Christ alone. HE is the only attachment that will never let us down or "break".
Kelly!! Well said. I echo exactly that. You have worded this so well Britney and your thoughts and sentiments seem to be right on.
ReplyDeleteWow- that was an intense seminar! I was getting all worked up just reading your recap of it! I agree that Brae and Sienna will continue to feel so loved by their mommy and daddy. I understand how your mind might wander, and worry may result, but your babies and so incredibly blessed to have such wonderful parents!
ReplyDelete