I know my friend and I know her intentions were well meaning, but the pit in my stomach caused me to question why was I so bothered by this?
After much thought, I think it is because I view Sienna's story (and Brae's story) as their story. It's their story to share with whomever, how ever, whenever, and even if they want to. Certainly, my family and friends (and this blogging community) know their story. And that is because I feel grateful for this platform and opportunity to share such an amazing and life-giving adventure. I want more people to know how amazing adoption is -- in every form. It's also because Sienna and Brae's stories are part of my story as well. So, I've invited people along on this journey with me.
But, somehow, I feel like a faint line is crossed when I'm not a part of sharing my children's story. Perhaps it is because I'm so mama-bear protective of my kids, I want to be in charge of how the message is delivered. I don't want to run the risk of some well-meaning stranger making an off-the-cuff comment and someone else not responding in a way that I would have.
I also want to hold my children's stories inviolate. I'm their mom, yes, and their stories are part of my story, yes, but I also want to be respectful of the fact that they, not me, will be the target of any disrespectful or ignorant comments about adoption. I want them to decide whether they want to share their stories, and if they do, I want it to be on their terms. I don't want to rob them of that, or unnecessarily put a target on their backs.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm absolutely not ashamed of their stories or how they came to be in our family. I think God has set them apart, has divinely chosen them, and they are beyond special and privileged. I've been the one blessed by them; not the other way around. It is an honor for me to be the one they call "Mommy."
But, at the same time, I'm a realist. I know there exist a lot of naive and uninformed stereotypes and misconceptions about adoption. I want to protect my kids from those arrows. So, until they can shield themselves, I want to be the one in charge of delivering their very unique and beautiful stories.
Am I wrong?
No you aren't wrong at all. Especially when you weren't even asked if her story could be told (and they still got things incorrect!).
ReplyDeleteABSOLUTELY not wrong!!! I feel the same way, it is such a fine line.
ReplyDeleteYou are not wrong. I have experienced this myself. We were very open with friends and family about how Genevieve came to be part of our family. We were happy to share the story not only because we wanted to always be open...but to help embryo adoption become better known. But I do sometimes cringe when I hear someone else telling her story. I know they have good intentions and are just very happy for us and for Genevieve to be family...but I really do think it is "our" (her parents and her) responsibility and priviledge to share her beginnings. I think it is a bit more sensitive for her too since she was an anonymous donation so she may have questions about her biological family that we may not be able to answer some day. I'm hoping as time goes on and she gets older and I share more and more with her....she will be very secure in our love for her and her place in our family. I have already seen a drop off in general comments about her beginnings. Many family and friends say they often forget about that and are only reminded if I bring it up or if someone else asks a question.
ReplyDeleteKaraleen
I think people just like being able to share stories of God's provision and answered prayer. Haven't we all shared a story of how God has worked a miracle in someone's life? Ultimately we are all just part of HIS story that he is working through us.
ReplyDeleteI have had this exact same conversation with myself in my head. I agree with you 190% which is why I keep Canon's story close to my chest when meeting new people. And why I made my blog private. It is HIS story, not mine. And I want HIM to decide who and how he tells his story.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love your comment about being a shield until they can protect themselves. The good thing is that our kids will never be "in it" alone... together they'll be their own little army. :)
ReplyDeleteYou always make me think. :)
ReplyDeleteI don't think there is anything in the world wrong with desiring to protect our children, and to hold, really...almost sacred, the way God brought them into our lives. But, I also think that people can be insensitive and judgemental about others regardless of their ordinary or extraordinary beginnings. Limiting who tells the story and how won't stop hurtful people from being hurtful.
I guess I'm of the same train of thought as Angie (above). Your friend was just excited to share your amazing story. Even if some of the facts weren't straight, her motivation was out of joy for you and yours. At the same time, I'll admit that I kind of cringe and have to step in and make certain the facts are straight when Byron recalls our story sometimes. (smile!) I want it to be right, but I think that has more to do with me being a bit of a control freak, than anything else. That being said, as Gracie is getting older, and more cognizant of our conversations, we are more sensitive about talking about her origins to people outside our close circle of friends. When the time, setting, and vehicle for communication is right, we share whenever we can. How will people learn about embryo adoption, and the story of God's faithfulness in our lives if we don't share? I sincerely hope that people who hear our story will communicate it to others so that EA can become better known/understood. Of course, we will always be sensitive to our girls feelings about sharing their stories. I think about what I've heard a lot of pastors say in the past. They don't use their children's lives as illustrations for their sermons without their permission. That's just being respectful. I want to be that for my children. Sorry to have rambled on and on! And, please forgive me if I'm waaaaaaay too much of a PollyAnna! Love to you friend!