Not at peace.

A dear friend recently asked me, "Do you feel at peace with your infertility journey?"

The question verberated within my soul for hours before I could finally answer.  And this was my email response back to her (in a nutshell):

"Probably not.  Of course, I'm grateful, ultimately, for where it brought me, and the three children that were born out of that painful path.  But, it has left deep-rooted scars in its wake.  I'm a different person entirely because of the last 7-8 years.  Mostly, in a good way.  I have a ton more empathy for others; it has given me a platform to talk about with other women who are struggling; and I grew more dependent on God, and consequently closer to God, than I had ever been.

But, there is still a lot of resentment, bitterness, and jealousy that has remained. I'm resentful of women who get pregnant so easily and take it for granted.  I'm bitter that we had to go through everything we did to grow our family.  I'm jealous of women who are living the dreams I had as a little girl - just get pregnant, no problem, and grow a big, beautiful family without a care in the world. 

I remember, during the pit of our struggle, a dear friend had gotten pregnant, and aborted.  I remember, months after she told me, we got into a  vicious fight.  I can't even remember what the fight was ostensibly about.  But, I knew what it was really about.  I was angry  - livid, really - that she had gotten pregnant and destroyed the one thing I was fighting so hard for.

So, no, I don't think I am at peace with our infertility journey.  I may never be.  It scorched my soul and left me raw.  And, that just takes a really long time to heal."