(Almost) All Signs Point Towards Go!

I met with our caseworker today and it turned into a mini-counseling session as well. She told me point blank: Just do it. It really isn't fair to be on the domestic path if my heart isn't into it. This really is the best time to do it for a lot of reasons. Financially, it appears God will provide the funds. Timing, this year really is kind of a "holding" year in that we don't really want a child this year, but would love to be pregnant. Physically, I ain't gettin' any younger, so mind as well try now. And legally, it looks like with embryo adoption and getting the tax credit, the sooner you can do it, the better. Plus, there will be no lingering regrets or doubts in my head if we at least attempt it.

I plan to send the payment for our final Bethany application tomorrow, and our caseworker said she will switch us over to the embryo adoption path (yikes!). Then we wait for our homestudy packet to be sent to us. It apparently is much more simple this time around. Then our caseworker thinks we should be able to have a homestudy visit mid-February.

Pending a final talk with the hubby tonight, I think I'll also submit our application to the Tennessee donation center to get the paperwork started there. Hopefully if we get into their system now we can avoid some additional fees that they plan to implement.

I feel the roller coaster coming!

BUT the COOLEST thing that happened today is that Brae said "agua" and pointed to his sippy cup!

Accountant is on board!

We had our tax appointment today and our accountant is on board with trying to claim the adoption tax credit if we do embryo adoption. We acknowledge it is a unique interpretation of the credit, but we do know it has been advanced before with success. And, worse that could happen is that the IRS says no and we'd have to give any money received back. Our accountant would like to see the "transaction" "completed" by year's end to make for a clean return. That would mean that the embryo adoption would have to work, and we'd have to give birth by December 31. That is likely NOT going to happen, but it is more incentive to truck along.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with our case worker. Hopefully, we won't hear anything new from her tomorrow, but just confirm what we've already learned through our research. Then, we will likely pay for our final application (which is necessary anyway if we did domestic adoption), and then set up our homestudy! (also necessary for the domestic adoption).

On a side note, I'm feeling not AS excited about doing embryo adoption as I was even a week ago. I blame it on hormones. But I also think I'm just enjoying Brae so much and his entry into toddler years, and that we've started planning/decorating for his "big boy" room. Although the thought of being pregnant overjoys me, the return to those infant days does not. But then I look at Brae and I so BADLY want to give him a sibling, and one that is close in age, so that urges me on. The door to embryo adoption has not been closed, in fact, doors are opening, but I'm just left wondering why we are on this path to begin with.

I know God blesses each person differently, and we are so blessed by Brae. So there is no reason to think God will not similarly bless us with another child, however that child comes.

New post after the meeting tomorrow!

Leaning Toward...

It is so hard to know when God is leading you down one path, or whether your heart is, or whether they are one in the same.

In doing more research, and in examining my own heart, I am being more drawn to pursue embryo adoption than domestic adoption at this point. We have been blessed to come into contact with now two women who have traveled this path successfully, and their stories have greatly educated and informed us. Basically, there are 3 main agencies that do embryo adoption. There is the National Embryo Donation Center in Tennessee, Bethany (our adoption agency), and Snowflakes. NEDC is the least expensive of all of these. In fact, (although more research needs to be done), it appears that we could likely fund the entire embryo adoption with what we expect will be our tax refund from 2009. If that's the case, then we could use this "funny money" to see if embryo adoption works for us. If it doesn't, then we will actually be a little better off pursuing domestic adoption afterwards than we are now. That is because in doing the embryo adoption process, even if it fails, we would have already completed our homestudy that could be used toward the domestic adoption. And, even if embryo adoption fails and we pursue domestic adoption afterwards, we will have had the benefit of additional time. Additional time to keep paying down our current adoption loan, for me to accrue more sick time for maternity leave, etc. So, even if embryo adoption fails, it sort of seems "no harm, no foul."

Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that.

If we pursue embryo adoption in this way, we will likely not also simultaenously pursue domestic adoption. This is because to be on both lists actually requires the higher payment of domestic adoption, even if we end up doing embryo adoption. So, it doesn't really make sense if what we really want to do is embryo adoption.

I say "we," and of course I mostly mean "me," as it is my desire to be pregnant that is driving a lot of this. Praise God I have an amazing and supportive husband who just wants me to be happy. I know the thought of pursuing embryo adoption is hard for him because there are no guarantees. And I could end up flat on my face, a la two years ago when we experienced our other pregnancy failures. And he's the one that has to lift me up from that devastation. So, he is more reserved than I am. My personality is "go, go, go"; don't give up; just keep on perservering. I have to believe God made me that way, although I frequently find myself fighting against it.

And then I get back to "why?!" are we even in this position? Why does it have to be so hard for us to grow our family? I know all of the Sunday school answers, but sometimes, they provide little comfort. Do I have release from God to actually pursue embryo adoption? I thought I did when we did our other fertility treatment, and they failed. So was I wrong? Did I really not follow God's leading or prompting? Was I trying to pursue my own selfish agenda? Were they good ideas, but just not God-ideas? I don't know.

We've been asking ourselves, "when is enough enough?" I think just about every couple fighting a battle like this has to ask themselves that. For me, enough is enough when our family is complete. That's the party line. But to dig down even further, I think enough is enough for me if we pursue embryo adoption and it fails. At that point, we will literally have pursued (almost) every medical procedure available, and still be left with the fact we got pregnant on our own, and then miscarried. Those medical procedures we will have not tried we have already made the decision they are not right for us.

So, in summary, we have an appointment on Jan. 26 with our accountant where we can further explore how the adoption tax credit could apply. Even if it didn't cover all the costs (which it likely won't), this avenue is still much less expensive than any other avenue, especially if our tax refund covers most of it. We also have an appointment with our caseworker for the following week, who would do our homestudy update (which is required whether we did embryo adoption or domestic). Then we have an appointment the second week of February with my Ob/gyn to confirm I have no contraindications to pregnancy. And, at this point, I have an appointment with a fertility doctor for the following week who would do the transfer. That appointment will likely get cancelled. Because (and I failed to mention this earlier), if we go through NEDC, we have to fly to Tennessee twice to have the transfer done. (Never been to Tennessee! Up for an adventure!). So there is no need for a fertility doctor here. (And an added coolness is that the NEDC doctor is a Christian!).

After the OB/gyn appointment, Tygh and I will need to make a definite decision as a team. Because whatever we decide, it has to be as a team, and not me dragging him in one direction.

Then, if we decide to pursue only embryo adoption, there are a host of other dilemmas. Do we do an anonymous donation? When would we do the transfer? How many embryos do you transfer?

Or, in the end, we may decide to forego embryo adoption and just pursue domestic. That's not my heart's desire, however, at this point. I'd rather first try embryo adoption, and then do domestic adoption if it failed. Like I said, it feels like a perfect time because we'd have some "funny money" to play with, and the benefit of time. We are not actually ready to have a baby join our home this year, but we'd love to be pregnant this year.

Or, in the end, we may have a failed embryo adoption, and end up pursuing domestic adoption anyway.

I just don't know. It's actually a very helpless and uncomfortable feeling to just say, 'I just don't know.'

"I'm living by faith, and not by sight." -- 2 Corinthians 5:7

How, oh how, will the next child come?

We've done some more thinking about our second adoption and trying to seek God's will. We're not in a rush this time (as we were with Brae!), so we feel we have time on our side. We are obviously open to domestic adoption again, but there is still the longing in my heart to experience pregnancy. It would have been amazing to have carried Brae and given birth to him. Neither Tygh nor I have a super strong desire to have a biological child (though that would be a miracle!), but I have a super strong desire to experience pregnancy and labor and delivery -- even if I complain the whole way through! Because of that, the natural option for us to explore is embryo adoption.

If you are not familiar with embryo adoption, it is when couples who have undergone IVF have remaining embryos that they have frozen. These embryos remain frozen forever, get destroyed, or the newest option is embryo adoption. Our adoption agency facilitates embryo adoption. The process is very similar to domestic adoption in that the same profile book we would use for domestic adoption and be shown to birthparents, could also be used in embryo adoption and shown to genetic families. Our agency even allows adoptive families to be on the wait lists for both at the same time. The wait period for embryo adoption is also considerably less than a returning family for domestic adoption. The average wait to be chosen by a genetic family is a few months. The average wait to be chosen by a birthmom for a second adoption is 18 months. Of course, with embryo adoption, the adopted family has a little more control as to when the baby could arrive. We would not have to implant the embryos right away. Whereas, a birthmom could be due in a matter of weeks! That way, we could really allow God's will to be seen.

If a genetic family chooses us, we have the option of "choosing" them back, similar to domestic adoption. We would have access to all of their medical files, and present those to our doctor to see if it would be a good match. If we "choose" the genetic family back, then we would accept all of the frozen embryos they have. We would complete the proper adoption paperwork with the agency, and have the embryos shipped to the facility we've chosen to do the implantation. The embryos would then be "thawed" (success rate about 55% for each embryo), and the remaining embryos would either be implanted or "re-frozen." Our fertility doctor had previously advised us that they would recommend transferring 3 to us to ensure the best chance that one will make it.

The process for embryo adoption implantation is much simpler than IVF, and consequently, much less expensive. My insurance company has even advised me they would pay 50% of the medical costs (here's hoping!). The embryo adoption fee is also considerably less than domestic adoption. If the implantation is a success, then hooray! We are pregnant! If it is not a success, the agency allows us to go through the process two more times to try and be matched with a genetic family. After that, if those times fail too, the adoptive family can choose to pay a modest fee to be re-matched again, or stop. Tygh and I have decided if the embryo adoption failed three times, we would stop and just continue down the domestic adoption path. You have to draw the line at some point.

You may be wondering how do you tell your child that he or she is the product of embryo adoption? Good question. I have spoken with a gal who got triplets (!) through embryo adoption and she likes to tell her kids that "God put them in Mommy's tummy as seeds." I like that. Obviously, as the child gets older, more will be revealed. There is also the option to have a semi-open adoption agreement with the genetic families similar to domestic adoption, so the child could know where he/she came from biologically.

Embryo adoption also removes a barrier we see with domestic adoption. And that is the concern some adopted children have with the fact they did not come from Mommy's tummy (this concern is apparently seen more in adopted girls than boys). Embryo adoption allows for those children to come from Mommy's tummy, if not from Mommy's blood. There is also the discussion that will have to be had with the child about the fact that he/she was frozen for a time. Certainly, there are sensitive discussions adoptive parents need to be prepared for whenever dealing with adoption -- of any kind -- domestic, international, or embryo. The point is that the child must know that his or her life is (and always has been --even from an embryo) valued, and that he or she is the product of love and that his or her parents (Tygh and me) love him or her with all of our hearts, and are grateful for the gift God has given us.

There is still MUCH more to research and discuss and pray about with embryo adoption. We hope to make a decision at the end of next February. We have several meetings lined up for next January and February with our accountant to talk about the adoption tax credit and its applicability to embryo adoption (if it doesn't apply, we likely won't do embryo adoption), our agency case worker, and several doctors to talk about the medical details. Then, even if we choose to be on both lists, God's will may be seen in having us chosen by a birthmom first, and not a genetic family. In either case, we are thrilled to see how God continues to grow our family!

Our baby boy turns 1!

It's so unbelievable that this time last year, I was on maternity leave and enjoying my newborn son. I was still on the roller coaster of emotions, still in awe of God's faithfulness, and still not sleeping a wink. I constantly teetered between shouting for joy, sitting silently in fascination, and weeping at God's goodness. My son had finally arrived. The desert walk was over (for the time), and it was time for the harvest celebration. (How fitting that Brae arrived on Halloween or Harvest Day).

Years of praying and waiting for this moment were a thing of the past. God had responded mightily and blessed us abundantly with our son. For so long, I'd grown so accustomed to being on my knees, face in hands, filling those hands with tears. I'd grown so close and intimate with God, I felt comfortable on my knees. It was actually a little unnerving to leave that place. But, the time had come. God wanted me to get off my knees and move those legs into dancing! It was time for REJOICING!

Becoming a mother has taught me so many things. The most apparent of which is that agreeing to be a parent means that you also agree to allow your heart to forever live outside of your body. That is so true. I would walk in front of a semi truck to save my son. I literally would do just about ANYTHING to ensure my son's safety, security, health, and happiness. He means THAT much to me. He is MINE.

What is even more amazing is that he is actually God's, and that God loves him even more than I do. He loves me that much, too. It is unfathomable that anyone could love my son more than me. But my God does.

My God is good; He is great; He is holy. He provides unthinkable things to His children. Blessings beyond my comprehension. There was a time when I didn't think I could love a child that I didn't bear from my body as much as one that I did.

I was wrong. So, so wrong. Second to God and my husband, I love Brae than anything or anyone else.

Thank you, Lord, that you gave to me so much more than I could even dream. Thank you for my son.

Happy birthday, son. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. But God loves you more.

First visit with the birthfamily!

Yesterday was a special day. Brae's birthfather's side of the family (his paternal biological mother, aunt, and grandma) drove up from the Roseburg area to the Zoo to see Brae for the first time since he was born. Our case worker was also there. I was praying the whole way there that this visit would be a blessing. And it was. It was a little awkward at first, but because we all knew it was important, we tried our best to ease some of the anxiety with simple small talk. About a half hour in, I think we all felt more comfortable. They were so grateful to see him and couldn't stop talking about him, taking their eyes off him, and of course, holding him and cradling him. You could tell it meant the world to them. We walked around the zoo for about 2 hours and, at the end, they gave Brae a TON of birthday gifts that he will open at his birthday party. They also gave me and Tygh some very cool ceramic coffee mugs that say 'Proud Papa,' and 'Proud Mama.' We are indeed! As we left, they said how blessed Brae is to have us as parents. That was touching. They also said that each round of pictures and letters we send to them is like opening a Christmas present and has really helped them cope.

We know Brae won't remember this visit, but we think it was very important and are so grateful it happened and that we have pictures. One thing is for sure: this boy will never feel unloved, unwanted, or abandoned. He was handed over out of love and as a very special gift. It didn't make the decision any harder on the birthfamily, but we believe this visit confirmed to them that it really was in Brae's best interest. We hope one day that Brae is able to say to them, 'Thank you.' Because, for our part, we certainly are eternally grateful.

Nine Month Check-up!

Brae just had his 9 month check-up! He's now 19.5 lbs, which puts him in the 40th percentile. He's 28.5 inches long, which puts him in the 60th percentile. Basically, still a long, skinny dude. Doctor said he's right on track developmentally, and he has no concerns whatsoever about autistic tendencies (apparently they can actually tell this at this early of an age!). Doc also said Brae has 4 top teeth that are ready to break right through, which could explain the general fussiness Brae has had the last few days. Brae crawled around on the floor most of the visit (I think the doc was a bit bemused that I was letting him crawl around on the linoleum floor (icky, dirty)). He also got his second polio vaccination, and unlike the other vaccinations, I was determined to stay by Brae's side and pray he didn't think I was the one hurting him. He then passed out in the car on the way to his school.

Adoption Finalized!

Brae is legally and totally ours! The ceremony was a grand total of about 5 minutes, so may have been a little anti-climactic, but still so worth it.

I don't know how I expected to feel. I have never thought that Brae was anything but totally ours. I suspected that maybe after the ceremony I'd feel a huge weight off my shoulders. But nothing. Not much really changed in my eyes. In my eyes, he had been ours from the beginning. Although it did cross my mind that we can't give him back now! Not even at 3 am when he's got a fever and crying!

It's amazing to think that God had Brae William Grant planned for us from the very beginning. I believe God has had my life planned out in its grandest scheme since I was formed in my mama's belly. Jeremiah 29:11-13. That plan included Brae. For me and for Tygh.

Looking back at our journey, God had this timing all planned out to His perfection. The month we miscarried, Brae was being formed in Rachael's womb. In October, when we had our second pregnancy loss, Brae was born. How cool is that? It was supposed to be Brae all along. No one else.

I believe God has great things in store for Brae. I feel tremendously honored and privileged to call him my son, and cannot wait to hear him call me "Mommy."

Ecclesiastes 3:11: "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

Mother's Day

I've looked forward to this day ever since I wanted to be a Mom, but surprisingly, now that it was here, my mind was more focused on all the other women out there who want to be Moms (like I did), and who are still waiting for that blessing. I was so grateful that my church chose to acknowledge these women, as well as those who don't have a good relationship with their kids, or who have lost a child, etc. Mother's Day can be just as joyful for some as it is painful for others.

That said, I still did enjoy "my" day. I am so grateful and feel so blessed for the gift of Brae God has given us.

Brae made me a handmade door hanging thing that said "Te quiero, Mama!" (I wonder just HOW much Brae participated in this craft). Then I got to sleep in and Brae and Tygh brought me breakfast in bed. Brae also cut his first tooth this weekend, and lovingly passed on his most recent viral infection to me. Love you, son!

Six-month check up!

Brae is now 6 months old! It's hard to believe that he is a half a year old already. At his doctor appointment today, he took the immunization shots like a champ. He is 16.25 lbs., (25th percentile) and is 27 inches long (75th percentile). The doctor was very impressed that he is sitting on his own and even more impressed at what a happy little guy he is. He emphasized how good of a job we are doing (every parents' favorite words to hear), and that he's on track to be crawling by 8 months. It's time to baby-proof the house! Doctor's orders.

A Hello

This is our first attempt at a "blog," so bear with us! We decided to do a blog to keep our family and friends apprised of our little family. Here's the latest:

Brae: He's now almost 6 months old! He has just started on solids and has a penchant for sweet potatoes. Not a big fan of bananas so far. Last night was the first time he tried carrots. Not as good as sweet potatoes. He's sitting up much longer on his own (a few minutes) before he tumbles over. His favorite show is "Handy Manny" on Disney. He has discovered that crying achieves him things. For example, he knows that crying means that he can get attention if he's bored or wants to be picked up. It's no longer about basic needs. He is no longer swaddled at night for sleep, so he's taken great liberty with rolling all over his crib during sleep. He prefers to sleep on his stomach with his face firmly planted in the sheet. (Yes - he can still breathe!) His favorite toy is still the remote control. He loves Norm and Lilith; especially Lilith because she lets him pull her hair.

Tygh: Tygh is doing well at work and, praise God, still has a job despite this economy. He's hard at work on various projects, going into work about 5:30 each morning and picking up Brae around 3:30-4 for "man time." The band is also doing really well. They have huge upcoming gigs at Hawthorne Theatre and the Crystal Ballroom.

Britney: And me! I'm doing well. Work is staying busy, but not stressful. I feel very fortunate to have a job that provides me great flexibility and the people I work with are amazing. God is also doing a great work in my life in the department of SURRENDERING. Surrendering my wants, desires, goals to what HE wants for my life. It's a daily battle. But we've been blessed with so many things, it's time to just focus on those.

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3.