Not an itchy birthday

Seven years ago today, I married.  It was the day before my 26th birthday. 

They say that in the 7th year of marriage, people get "itchy."  They get restless.  They start looking for a way out.  They get divorced.

The U.S. census in 2011 cites the average length of marriage is 8 years.  Couples seem to file for divorce around the 7 year mark, and then complete their divorce in the 8th year. 

Why?

Statistics say that around 7 years is when people are burnt out on caring for young children, there are burgeoning financial pressures, and there is an accumulation of negative experiences or incidences that come to a boiling point. 

People who are unhappy in their marriages generally know that within the first few years, and then take a few more years to get to the state of divorcing. 

I am the product of divorce.  I know how painful it is.  Divorce is an epidemic in my family.  Each of my grandmothers was married three times. 

My parents survived the 7 year itch, only to get divorced at the 10 year mark.  But, they each re-married and have been remarried for over 20 years.  I have great stepparents as a result.

Tygh's parents have been married for over 35 years. 

I have no shame in saying that Tygh and I do not have a perfect marriage.  But, we have a very good marriage.  We are teammates.  We genuinely enjoy one another.  We "get" each other. 

So, on this milestone anniversary, and the day before my 33rd birthday, Tygh, I salute you:

      "You are my rock.  You are my touchstone.  You keep me grounded.  You support me.  You love me, and all my idiosyncricies.  It's been quite a journey to get where we are now, and I'm genuinely very excited for what lies ahead.  We have been so blessed.  We have two amazing, beautiful children.  We have a roof over our head, food on the table, and careers we enjoy.  We have family that love us, and friends that stand beside us.  

       I love you." 

This is what she said.

Saturday, November 17 was National Adoption Day.

I had forgotten.

Brae's birthmom had not.  This is the text message she sent me that morning:

"Happy National Adoption Day.  I thank God daily that in one of the darkest seasons I've had yet in my life, He loved me enough to bless me by sending you guys.  You two have been a light in my life since I first saw your picture on the Bethany website.  I have been unselfishly loved and supported by you both and your families.  I'll never be able to explain the gratitude I have for the both of you.  Thank you so much.  I love you."

Wow.

Is it any wonder that National Adoption Day is less than a week away from Thanksgiving?

I think not.

Thank you, God, for adoption and blessing me with my two kiddos through the miracle of adoption.

Infertility: I just punched you in the face. 

And in that spirit, here are some token photos from Tygh's family's pre-Thanksgiving at Black Butte Ranch this weekend.

P.S., there are now 4 grandkids in the Colton family.  And not one is genetically related.  How many families get to say that? Very cool.  Proof that blood does not make a family. 

Watch Sienna's face through this progression...

There's my baby cousin! Yay. Now, I'm happy.

Making a volcano

Colton grandparents with their 4 grandkids and their hand-made Thanksgiving shirts.  Yes, Tygh's mom is Martha Stewart.

Carving the turkey.

Making Oreo, Candy Corn turkeys.  Yummy.

My hairdresser...

... is gorgeous.  Kind of a cross between Natalie Portman and Amanda Seyfried.  You get it.  Gorgeous.

But that is beside the point.  At least of this post.

At my last visit to her, somewhere between the blowout and the trimming of the bangs, my hairdresser mentioned that she is adopted.  She doesn't know her birthmom.  She doesn't even know if she's still alive.  She thinks her birthmom was a teenager when she got pregnant with her, and connected with her parents through mutual friends at church.

She thinks, through a series of third-hand information, that she has a couple of siblings.  She is very interested in finding her siblings.

I told her that there are websites out there that can help adoptees locate their birthfamilies.  I also said that, in my experience, she should know that not a day has gone by that her birthmom hasn't thought of her.  And, that her birthmom loves her. 

In the mirror, I saw tears well up in her eyes as she brushed my hair.  She nodded. 

If, she said, she did meet her birthmom, she has some things she would like to say to her.  She has no hard feelings toward her.  She loves her parents.  She had a great childhood.  She may have a couple lingering questions of "why?," but mostly, according to my stunning hairdresser, who also happens to be adopted, this is what she wants to tell her birthmom:

"Thank you.  Thank you for choosing life for me.  Thank you for giving me a great life. Thank you."

Adoption is a beautifully painful thing. 

It's beautifully painful because even though a child leaves your arms, they never leave your heart.

It's beautifully painful because a child doesn't need to come from you, to belong to you.

Sometimes I tell, and Sometimes I don't

Daughter, 

How you came to be our daughter is a complete miracle.  Your origins are unique and sacred.  I will do everything I possibly can to honor them, treasure them, and not exploit them.  

I want you to know everything you would ever want to know about how you came to be ours.  Please, ask any and every question your little heart desires.  I will withhold nothing.  

You are nothing to be ashamed of.  

You are everything to be esteemed.  

But, dearest daughter, I want you to know something.  Because of everything I just mentioned, you may notice that I don't always freely tell others about your precious journey to us.  Certainly, those who matter know.  But, when some sweet old lady at the grocery store comments on how you must have inherited your Mommy's blond hair (hello! I was simply born to be a blond), or where did you get your sky blue eyes, or don't you and your brother look so much alike, sometimes I just smile and nod. 

Sometimes, daughter, I don't share.  

And I want you to know that it is not because of any  other reason than that I simply want to employ my mother bear instincts and protect you from puzzled looks, awkward facial reactions, or uncomfortable pauses. 

The sweet old ladies of the world can continue to believe you to be mine, genetically, and I will leave it to the embryo adoption ambassadors of the world to preach your message to the masses. 

Love, 

Mommy 

Happy 4th birthday, my Pumpkin Boy

 To my precious Pumpkin Boy, born Halloween, 2008:

1. I love you more than I could ever possibly say.  Four years ago, you made me a Mommy, and I have never been the same since.

2. You have one of the best personalities I have ever met, in any human.  You make me laugh, without fail, every single day.

3. You love chocolate.  In every form -- liquid, solid, and probably even gaseous.

4.  You are smart, quick-witted, energetic, infectious, and absolutely loveable.

5. You have one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen.  And you use it to tackle your sister every morning.  

5. You are a ball of energy.  I could chase you around all day long.  And, I do.

6. You love life.  You are curious about it and all the people in it.  I know this, because you ask "why?" after every little thing I say.  

7. I can't write much more because the tears are already starting to well up in my eyes when I think about how much I love you.  The sheer idea of you not being in my life physically sickens me.  You are a complete miracle, ordained to be ours from the beginning of time.  Yet, I recognize that I don't own you.  You aren't mine to belong to.  You are your own, unique, amazing person. You are a gift to us.  Simply on loan, for a short time.

May you come to know, love, and trust the God who made you, who loves you, and who has spectacular things in store for you.  

I love you, son.  Happy birthday, baby boy.

Love, Mommy.

Brae-isms

1. Scene: an early Monday morning, in Mommy and Daddy's closet. 

Brae (to Daddy): "Daddy, I'm going to pick out a shirt for you to wear today at work."

Daddy: "Ok."

(Several minutes elapse.  Mommy at bathroom counter getting ready.  She doesn't see the following conversation, but just hears it).

Brae: "Ok! I've got a shirt for you, Daddy! Here."

Daddy: "No, Brae, I'm not wearing that shirt to work."

Brae, crying: "What? Why not, Daddy? I picked it out special just for you. I want you to wear it today.  You need to wear it today!"

Daddy: "No, pick out another shirt."

Brae: "No!" (full on crying now, temper-tantrum mode, on the floor, kicking and screaming).  "Wear this shirt! I picked it out just for you! Why won't you wear the shirt I picked out special for you? That hurts my feelings.  Wear this shirt, Daddy!"

Daddy, very calmly: "Brae, I'm not wearing Mommy's shirt to work.  Pick out another one."

***

2. Scene: a park, on a sunny Fall day.  Brae walks to the middle of the grass, pulls down his pants, and his underwear, and then bends down to touch his toes, bare bum high up in the air. 

Mommy, walking quickly over to him, trying to act calm: "Brae, what are you doing?"

Brae: "Mommy, my bum needs some sunshine." 

***

3.  Scene: Brae, at the coffee table, going through his preschool workbook.

Brae, talking to himself, pointing in the book: "Smallest, largest, ummm... mediust.  Biggest, littlest, mediust."

***

4. Brae is into storying.  This means that he does not want me to read him stories anymore; he wants me to make them up in my head and tell him a story.  And, in what ever story of what ever version of what ever I can possibly come up with in my head, Brae has to be a kung fu warrior. 

***

5. Scene: Brae, at his friend's birthday party.  His friend is also adopted. 

Mommy: "Brae, did you know your friend [Gabriel] is adopted, just like you? That makes you both so special."

Brae: "You mean Gabriel came out of [birthmom]'s tummy, too?

***

6.  Scene: In car, driving home.

Mommy: "Brae, your birthday is coming up.  Are you excited?"

Brae: "Yeah, but Mommy, I don't want to get pushed out of [birthmom]'s tummy ever again."

Mommy: "Okay, I think that can be arranged.  Can I ask why not?"

Brae (wide-eyed): "Because I didn't like it.  It was scary."

Mommy: "Well, maybe that's because you were born on Halloween."

How to Protect Your Child from a Predator

A few weeks ago, we took a class on children and sex abuse.  It's part of the class series we have to take to complete our application for adopting through the state.  It was definitely the hardest of the 8 classes we have to take. 

After listening (for 3 hours!) about the different types of sex abuse (thanks to the Internet, so many child victims don't even know they are being victimized), and about the different forms a predator can take (a grandmother!?), I was feeling pretty deflated.

How can we possibly protect our children from predators? 

Predators are a sneaky bunch.  They find their victims, "groom" them (gain their trust), "groom" the parents (gain our trust), and then the abuse starts slowly.

By far, most predators are people that the child, and the parents, know.  Which makes it all the more insidious.  And just plain scary. 

So, I couldn't leave the class without an answer.  I had to know: How can we possibly protect our children from predators?

Up went my hand.

And the answer they gave was, I found, very profound.

The best way to protect your child from a sex abuse predator is to encourage your child to develop his/her own gut instinct.  

Sounds simple, right?

Well, I speak for myself when I say that I have unknowingly discouraged my child's own gut instinct on several occasions.

I've done it nearly every holiday when I push encourage Brae to go give his second cousin, thrice removed,  a big ole' hug and kiss, even though he hasn't seen her since the last holiday.  And when he cowers behind my legs refusing to go over there, I tell him he's being impolite. 

Or, when I force encourage him, every Christmas, to go sit on the lap of some strange man with a long beard wearing a funny red suit, whisper in his ear what gifts he wants, and then smile for a camera. 

And what am I doing each time I do this? Well, according to the "experts," I am telling my son to not trust his own gut instinct.  I'm telling him to ignore that little voice in his head, or that pit in his stomach, or those goosebumps that  those warning signs are not to be trusted.

Ignore them.  Go ahead, take candy from a stranger. 

Go ahead, get into the back of some man's van because he tells you he has ice cream. 

Go ahead, get in someone's car because they tell you they are taking you to Mommy and Daddy.

Sure, maybe I'm going to a bit of an extreme, but I'd rather have the second cousin, thrice removed, feel slighted by a 3-year-old than to quash my son's own gut instinct. 

So, Mr. Santa, we will not be sitting on your lap this Christmas if my kids don't want to.  Thank you, very much.  And they will still get presents on Christmas morning.  If for no other reason than to teach them that there is no punishment for going with your gut. 

Five Things You May Not Have Known About My EA Journey

Five things you may not have known about my EA journey:

1) Sienna was one of 9 embryos frozen.  Six were adopted by another family.  None survived the thaw.  We adopted the remaining 3.  One didn't survive the thaw.  Two were transferred.  Only Sienna made it.  She's one of 9 genetic siblings to have survived the 10-year wait.

2) We almost chose anonymous adoption.  However, it was my husband's comment that because we already have a son who has an open adoption, it didn't seem right to not also have an open adoption with any other child brought into our home.

3) We almost didn't go through NEDC.  We actually simultaneously pursued 2 other agencies.  Living in Oregon, traveling to Tennessee (twice) seemed like a huge effort.  However, after talking to 2 friends who had done EA with NEDC, I was convinced NEDC was the place for us.

4) I am Sienna's biological mom.  Her genetic makeup is not my own (thank you, donors!), but it was my heart, my womb, my body that was her home and kept her growing for those 9-10 months.  And, I'm so grateful Sienna doesn't have my genetic makeup.  Because, then, she wouldn't be Sienna.

5) On the day we were to find out our beta number, I had written down a list of positive truths I wanted to read if the results were negative.  I still have that list.  Here is what some of it reads:

-- I did not fail.  This was not my fault.  

-- The road and wait to get to Brae was long and hard, but in the end, we received the best of what God had in store for us.  

-- My faith will get me through this.  God was not surprised by this.  He's sad because I'm sad, but He smiles at what lies ahead for me.  GOOD gifts. 

Our news.

A couple weeks ago, I mentioned that we would have some "news" to share.  And the time has come to share it.

It's no secret I want a bigger family.  From age 2-6, it was just me and my sister.  I was the oldest; she the youngest by 2 years.  After my parents divorced and each remarried, I had 3 new, older stepbrothers that I grew up with from age 8 until each brother left home.  I went from being the oldest to being a middle child.

I love being a part of a bigger family.  I love the chaos, the noise, the laughter, the tears, the joy, the sorrow, I love it all. 

However, our road to growing our family has not been easy.  It has been the most difficult trial of my life.  And, I've had quite a few trials.  This one takes the cake.

We adopted our son through private, domestic infant adoption. It was a phenomenal journey of faith.  And, if you've ever adopted, you know what a ride adoption can be. 

We adopted our daughter through private, embryo adoption.  Again, another phenomenal journey of faith, but of a different kind. 

We've done our fair share of fertility treatment, and to be honest, I'm open to doing it again.  I want to be pregnant, again.  Which, for those of you who walked that journey with me, it's astonishing for me to say that.  Pregnancy was an odd experience for me.  But, I'd love to do it again.  And, if I'm honest, I still pray for a spontaneous pregnancy miracle one day that results in a live birth. 

My husband, not so much.

He's content with two and has resisted every time, for the last year, that I have tried to broach the idea of more kids.  

Given our fertility struggles, I'm thankful to have a husband who has absolutely no desire for a genetic child, and also could not care less to see me pregnant again.  And yet, since Sienna was born, I've been pestering encouraging my husband to talk about growing our family. 

Eventually, he agreed to revisit the conversation over Labor Day weekend (fitting).  So, for months, I bit my tongue and waited for that weekend to come. 

It came.  We had the whole long weekend to ourselves, kids with my parents, and it was a perfect time to reconnect, and talk about more kids!

As the weekend drew to a close, the time had come to revisit that conversation that had been smoldering in my heart since Sienna's birth.  I had written a letter to my husband, which I read to him, and explained my desire for a third child, and how I'd love to experience pregnancy again.  I was open to doing embryo adoption again, or even more fertility treatment.  In my heart, I just believed (and still do) that either of those options would work for us. 

After I was done with my letter, my husband closed his eyes, tilted his head back, and paused.

And paused.

And paused.

I was certain he was going to say that he was content with two kids, end of conversation, and I needed to get on board.

But then, he spoke.  And the words that came out of his mouth were nothing short of completely remarkable to me. 

"So," he began, "I've been thinking and praying about this for months. No more fertility treatment.  No more shots, money, time, doctor's appointments, no more.  No more worrying about whether we're pregnant or whether the pregnancy is going to stick.  So, no more pregnancy.  And, I'm not a big fan of the infant stage."

My heart sank.  I felt the tears coming.

"But," he started again, "I'm open to more kids.  But, I want to do things differently this time.  I want us to adopt a child who really needs a home.  I want us to adopt a child through our state's foster system.  And, I'm even open to adopting a sibling group.  God has softened my heart to these kids who are in unfortunate circumstances through no fault of their own.  We can give them a home."

A surge of hope welled up in me, and I leaped to him and gave him a big hug.

We had never talked about this before.  This was never an option that we had ever sit down and discussed.  And yet, although I was filled with a new sense of hope and excitement, it was quickly replaced by fear and trepidation.

Aren't these children "damaged"? I don't want an older child.  I want a baby.  Don't these children have significant special needs? We can't take that on. This means I won't be pregnant again. 

And, shortly after sharing our news with friends and family, those same fears were confirmed.  Others had the same reaction.

What are we doing?

Well, in a nutshell, we're trusting God.

So where are we now in the process?  Well, first let me say that adopting through the state is a very different experience. It is much more intense, and many more families get weeded out than in private adoptions.  But, we're staying the course.  This week we will complete our sixth of eight classes we need to take.  We've submitted our formal application.  Background check is underway.  In two weeks, we will be assigned a case worker and wait for the homestudy process to begin.  Then, we wait.

And wait.  We expect the wait will be a couple years given the criteria we've chosen (so far).  We do want a younger child, but are open to more than one child.  We also recognize we don't have the capacity to care for a child with "significant" special needs.  We are going into this process with our eyes wide open, recognizing that we are making a lifelong decision.  The child(ren) need to be a right fit for us, and we need to be a right fit for them.

But the more that we've dived into this process, the more Tygh's enthusiasm is wearing off on me.  God has given me a heart for these children.

And, although I still desire to have a miraculous spontaneous pregnancy, it is quietly being supplanted with the desire to adopt one (or more!) of these children.  I no longer want a pregnancy and a newborn in place of adopting; I want it in addition to.

I keep speaking about a miracle pregnancy.  And yet, as I write this, I'm realizing that my husband's change of heart, and his heart condition in general, is a miracle in itself.  For that, I am so thankful.

Brae, for one, is also very excited about growing our family.  He will tell you that he wants a younger brother and sister, and after that, an older brother and sister.

In closing (and sorry this is so long), what has me most excited about sharing this news with you is that this is an option open to most e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e who wants to start a family.  It's not available to just the fertile, or just those with money.  This is an option for you, if you have walked a path similar to mine and the journey to growing your family has not been easy. 

This could be your solution. 

Your "Plan B" may have been God's "Plan A" all along.  It may be time for you to get on board.

I encourage you, if your heart has at all been pricked by the adoption bug, to learn more about it.  If money has ever been a hindrance to you pursuing adoption, I encourage you to go to an informational session about adopting through your state. 

It's not at all what you think.

It is so much better. 

Birthmom visit: Quite the adventure!

We had our third visit with Brae's birthmom yesterday.  It started off a little bumpy just due to circumstances, but ended up being a complete blessing.

We met at a park that neither one of us had been to before, but that had been recommended to me.  I texted her to meet us at the playground.  After about 15 minutes when she still hadn't shown up, we texted again.  She said she was at the playground.  I looked around.  She was not.  After a few more texts, she called.  I could tell she seemed a little exasperated (I couldn't blame her!).  She said she was at the playground and that there were sketchy people around that made her feel uncomfortable. 

Finally, we figured out that this park has not one, not two, not even three, but four (!) playgrounds.  Sigh.  The best laid plans...

Once we finally met up, we hugged and it was the greatest bear hug in the world.  She brought her little girl, who is now 7, and is Brae's half-sister.  Brae was a little shy at first, but he and his half-sister quickly made up for lost time.  They ran around the playground playing tag and hide-and-go-seek.

And, of course, little Miss Sienna was perfectly content roaming around the park on her own, throwing bark dust, growling at other children, strong-arming Brae if he got too close to her,  and basically just being her sassy, lovely self. 

My sister also came along, and it was the first time anyone on in our family has met Brae's birthmom.  It was extremely special for us to make that connection, and one for which I am grateful.

I am a big believer that environment plays a huge role in who we are, but especially after yesterday's visit, I cannot deny the role that genetics plays.  Brae and his half-sister are so much alike.  

They look similar.  They run the same, with their arms flailing behind them.  They talk the same.  They have the same mannerisms.  They are both stubborn, strong-willed children.  They are both mathematically inclined.  They are both extremely organized and persnickity. They are both leaders, socially outgoing, and they speak their mind.

And I love them both.

After a rather rough tumble off the swing, Brae's half-sister decided she'd had enough of the park, and we went to a local pizza parlor/amusement place.  True to form, neither Brae nor his half-sister were interested in eating much, but they went straight to play on all the games.  That gave Tygh and I a chance to talk more with Brae's birthmom.

Events have changed such that she is no longer leaving the state to go to nursing school, but will stay in-state to go to school.  A turn of events I am very happy with!  We also spoke about her daughter's recent (very common) diagnosis of a condition that has required significant attention on the part of her medical and educational team.  She said that she is actually doing quite well and adjusting nicely to the new system they have set up for her.

Then, as things usually do, the conversation turned briefly to adoption.  Brae's birthmom mentioned that before every visit, her friends ask her whether she is sad to be going to the visit.  Sad that Brae is with us, not her.  She quickly brushes them off with, "No, not at all.  Especially when I see [Brae and her daughter] together, I realize how I couldn't have done it on my own.  Adoption was the right decision."  She also mentioned that when she hears of other birthmoms who have made a decision to adopt, brought an adoptive family on board, and then change their mind at the hospital, how her heart breaks for those families.  I thought that was an interesting perspective. 

Then she mentioned how her daughter explains adoption to others: "Mommy found this great family who was really sad they didn't have a baby.  So, we gave him our baby.  But, it's okay, because they are really nice people." 

Brae, to his credit, has a similar take on adoption: "Mommy and Daddy were at the hospital when I was born.  I got pushed out, and then I was a gift.  That's called adoption." 

At the end of the evening, there were several more bear hugs and pictures. 

And in the car, on the way home, Brae piped up, "I like [his half-sister].  I'm sad.  I miss her.  I want to see her again tomorrow." 

That, sums up the painful part of adoption. 

Sienna's 15-month-stats

I love this photo of my daughter.  It captures one of my favorite aspects to her personality - her feistiness. 

15-month-stats:

1) Head circumference: 65th percentile  Larger than Brae at this age
2) Weight: 25 lb. 90z: 80th percentile   Larger than Brae at this age
3) Height: 33 1/4 inches: Off the charts.  Again.  Larger than Brae at this age.  At this rate, she could be 6 feet tall or more!

 The doctor also noted that it's clear she has an older brother.  The girl can hold her own (kind of like a honey badger!). I think she slaps everyone she meets.  Out of pure love, of course!

Her blond hair is also getting quite blond, and a little long.  Let's face it, it was a mullet.  We had our first haircut this weekend (yes, I saved it!).  She has this little ringlet curls that melt me.  With her aqua eyes, she's quite the beauty. 

Sienna, 

My darling daughter.  I love you more than you can possibly know.  I love your spirited personality.  You inspire me.  You make me want to be a better person.  I love how you are your own independent woman, even at the tender age where I still refer to your age in months, not years.  If I had my prediction,  you are either going to be President, an astronaut, or a boxer.  Whichever path you choose, baby girl, know that I will always love you, and always try to put bows in your hair.   Thank you for calling me, "Mommy." 

PS -- for those of you who don't know already, I'll be posting on here in a few weeks some very exciting news! (No, not a pregnancy announcement -- but equally as exciting for us!)

Birthfather visit: the best yet.

On Saturday, we met up with Brae's birthfather's side of the family.  This was our fourth visit since Brae was born, and it was by far the best yet.  Brae's birthfather showed up.  He didn't make it last year, although his family did.  It is the third time he has seen him since he was born.

We met at a local amusement park, and then went to a kid-friendly pizza joint.  Brae hadn't napped, so he was a little grumpy/shy at first.  But, slowly, he started warming up to the family.  He and his birthfather, and Tygh, even went on a few rides together.

My husband is amazing.  I think he feels a mentoring relationship with Brae's birthfather.  I watched as Tygh and Brae's birthfather stood talking, and walking, for much of the visit.  I was dying to know what they were talking about, but I was too busy corralling Sienna from knocking people over through the crowds.  That girl has about a 5-foot radius wherever she goes.  Love her.

Later, I got a chance to ask Tygh about his chat with Brae's birthfather.  Brae's birthfather said that he had first learned of Brae's birthmom's decision to choose adoption through friends.  They were broken up at the time, and not speaking.  He said he signed the adoption papers because he thought was the way to win her back.  When she went into labor, she didn't tell him.  He said that hurt.

But, he said, it has all turned out for the best.  He said that he couldn't provide for Brae in the way that he would want to.  He said he is so thankful that Brae has two parents who love him so much.

I first met Brae's birthfather the day Brae was born, in the hospital.   He didn't say much.  He held Brae for a little bit, and then left.  He was 19. 

The second time I saw him was 2 years ago, when we had a visit, at the zoo.  Again, he didn't say much.  He played with Brae a little, but we could tell he felt a little awkward.  He was 21. 

Saturday was the third time I saw him.  It was the first time I actually had a conversation with him.  He mentioned that his life went downward after Brae was born.  He lost his job.  He and Brae's birthmom weren't speaking.  He went through a series of bad relationships.  He fell into a depression.  He said the adoption, and losing Brae's birthmom, broke him. 

But, he acknowledged, he's now in a better place.  He's engaged to a beautiful girl.  He seems happy and content.  He said the pain of placing a child for adoption has caused him to wonder whether he could have another child.  But, he spoke of how he hopes that he and Brae can have a relationship as Brae gets older.  He said that adoption was the best decision for Brae.   He is now 23.

Adoption is a rare animal.  It brings together two families in crisis and creates something beautiful.  We are forever connected to Brae's birthfamily, and we were complete strangers when we met.  In many ways, we still are.

There is also a pendulum of pain.  There is enormous pain for those struggling with infertility and who choose the adoption path as the way to start their family.  But, when that baby is born and placed in your arms, that pain seems to flee.  Or, at least it escapes into the background for a while.  But at that same moment, when that baby is placed in their arms, the birthfamily's pain seems to just begin.  All the emotions that hid in the background during those 9-10 months come rushing to the forefront.

I told Brae's birthfamily that I couldn't possibly understand what it was like for them to watch their first grandchild be handed over to complete strangers. I hurt for them.


Although I tell Brae that what his birthparents did was a gift to us, I know that is not why they did it.  They did it for Brae.  They had to.  If they did it for any other reason, they probably would not have gone through with it.

I cannot think of any bigger display of love than to recognize when you are not equipped to care for a child, and then to love that child so much that you choose a life for them that you want, but cannot, provide. 

I am honored to be a part of the adoption experience. 

A new addition.

On August 31, we welcomed a new little one into our family. 

Danielle Elizabeth was born right around lunch time to Tygh's youngest sister and her husband.  It is their first child. 

Danielle (Dani for short) is named in honor of Tygh (his middle name is Daniel), and Tygh's middle sister, whose middle name is Elizabeth.

Danielle is now the 4th grandchild for the Colton clan, and now Sienna has a girl playmate to join her brother and cousin brother.  Dani and Sienna are just over 14 months apart.  Sienna is already playing the role of doting older sister cousin.

And Brae has officially "blessed" the new grandchild, being that he is the Godfather of the Grandchildren.