Hannah.

It's no secret among my friends and family that I wanted this third child to be a girl.  In fact, for much of the pregnancy, not only did I want a girl, I did not want a boy.

I don't have a good explanation for this, other than it was just my heart's desire.  I love my son, and I love my daughter equally - immensely. But I just did not picture the child I was carrying - the first and only genetic one - to be a boy.  I pictured a girl. 

And I named her.  Her name was Hannah.

I've posted before that this name has tremendous significance for us.   It was to be Brae's name if he had been a girl, and simply coincidentally, it was Brae's birthmom's last name.

It is the name of the woman in the Bible who struggled with infertility.  And, it is in honor of me and my sister - each of our middle names is Ann. 

But, I didn't have a girl.  Instead, I have this miracle.  This boy. 

When I gave birth, and saw him, I think I was in shock. I was so not expecting a boy.  I was convinced I was having a girl.

Thankfully, by God's grace, the last emotion I felt was disappointed.  I was completely elated.  He was here.  This complete shot in the dark miracle.  I didn't even remember that I had so desired a girl. 

But, then what about Hannah? This elusive child.

I've come to terms with the fact that our family is complete.  And I will not have another girl. There will be no Hannah. 

And yet, Hannah, and all that that name signifies, is in each of my children.  Hannah represents our infertility journey.  Our struggle to grow our family. 

Hannah is here. 

Hannah exists. 

I see her every time I kiss my children's faces. 

And am thankful that she is exactly where -- or who -- she should be.

Biting.

Sienna has started biting.  Other kids.  Smaller kids. 

This is new for us, and actually just started in the last couple of weeks.  It has happened three times - each time when the other child either took a toy away from her or was otherwise interfering with her play time.

One time, she broke skin.

It's mortifying. 

Each time, the other parent has been extremely cool and understanding (I hope I would be, too).  I remorsefully explain this is new behavior and we think is related to her new baby brother and adjusting to her new normal.  It doesn't make me feel better to provide this explanation, but I hope it somehow arouses enough sympathy in the other parent so they don't label me as "unfit" for allowing me to bring an untamed child into public.

Sienna knows biting is wrong - and she's old enough to use her words to speak up.  I'm not quite sure where this is all coming from, except maybe it's the perfect storm of turning 3, becoming a big sister, and a middle child. 

My heart goes out to her.

The annals of Graem.

Graem. My third child.  My only genetic child. My son.

This post is dedicated to him, and his first 5 weeks of life.

He loves to be held. This is what I can say is his most defining feature right now.  He can be screaming bloody murder and the second you pick him up and hold him, he just melts into your arms.  Or, maybe it's just my arms, as Tygh is convinced this is not the case when he tries to hold him and soothe him.  When he's not being held to sleep, it generally takes him quite a while to fall asleep, and it usually involves lots of noise making (grunts, squeaks, fake cries, real cries), and a vibrating chair, and a special blanket delicately draped over his head - wait, am I too high maintenance? 

He's a binky baby.  Not necessarily my choice, but it started in the NICU, and it's been his friend ever since.  Brae was also a binky baby; Sienna was not.  There are pros/cons here, but it is what it is.  The biggest con right now is that the second that binky falls out when he's asleep, he's awake, and he wants it back. Now.

In the little bit of awake time he has during the day (most of it is taken up nursing), he has started to enjoy floor time.  He's rolled over from his tummy to his back a couple times, probably accidentally.  He also recently discovered his hands.  They make a good (albeit temporary) substitute for the binky when it has fallen out.

He loves baths.  He hates being cold and getting his diaper changed.  But, like being held, the second his little body slips into that bubble bath sink and the warm water curls up around him, he is in heaven. He looks up at me with these navy blue, almond shaped eyes as if to say, "Ohhh, yes, thank you."   And then he just grins this silly little grin for the rest of the bath. 

He likes to feed - frequently.  I obviously was not able to nurse Brae, and Sienna was a challenge to nurse because of the torticollis.  So, I'm used to formula-fed babies.  Formula-fed babies sleep longer than breastfed babies. I knew this, and yet now I really know it.  During the day, Graem will generally go 3 hours between feeds.  At night, I've been as lucky to get a 5 hour stretch (once).  Generally, it's between 3.5-4 hours.  But, sometimes (and earlier this week, twice in a row), it is every 2 hours. 

I believe in the Babywise method for eat-feed-sleep, but even Babywise acknowledges that for the first month of life (which is what Graem is still in, age adjusted), the on-demand feeding works well.  Even more so for preemies.  Even more so for breastfed preemies.  So, I plan to continue this on-demand feeding until about 2 months of age, when the milk supply is supposed to be established, and I can get on a more normal schedule.

Graem looks just like his dad.  But he does have my ears - very small.  It is still an adjustment to look at him and to believe that he is genetically part me, and part Tygh.  I know so many take that for granted; I don't.  He (like his siblings) is a complete miracle.

Brae just loves being his big brother. He is very proud of him.  Whenever I venture out with the three of them, he's always showing him off - to the store clerk, to the person behind us in line, to a complete stranger passing us on the sidewalk.  He just thinks he is the neatest thing.  Like a show-n-tell toy.

We're still working with Brae on recognizing how big his body is compared to Graem, and to exercise some self-control.  Graem just makes him so excitable.  Tygh keeps reminding me we need to let Brae hold him regularly, and I do.  I even let him carry Graem the other day (slightly frightening).  Brae really wants to carry him down the stairs - we aren't there yet.

Sienna adores Graem.  She is very motherly.  Every time Graem cries, she either yells at me: "Mommy! Feed him!" or "Mommy, where's his bottom?" (Bottom is pacifier - I don't know where she came up with that).  And, if she can't find his pacifier, she sticks her finger in his mouth (again, we're working on breaking that bad habit).

One on one, they are each great with Graem.  Together, they fight over him.  That eventually leads to them wrestling eachother, as I rush to get Graem out of harms way. 

As for me and Tygh, this last month feels like a complete blur.  Since I left work in such an unexpected hurry, I've never really left work.  My plan (approved by my amazing boss) was to work part-time from home until January, and to take August off.  With Graem coming a month early, I didn't want to leave work hanging.  So, I've really been working part-time, from home, since Graem was born.  It actually has worked out well.  Brae and Sienna have been in camps during the day, and I've been able to work when Graem sleeps.  Thankfully, we have a housekeeper (a Godsend), so I'm able to ignore the dirty floors and forget about cleaning the toilets, which has been a huge blessing right now.

And, I really like to work.  I enjoy my job and the people I work with.  I long ago came to terms with the fact that I'm just not a full time stay-at-home mom.  I am in awe of those who are, and who do it well.  It's just not me.

Tygh was never able to really take a paternity leave - his industry just isn't set up for that.  But, he took several days off when Graem was first born, and has been a ton of help with Brae and Sienna.  I get up with Graem in the middle of the night (another side effect of nursing), and Tygh takes him for a couple hours in the evening so I can tend to Brae and Sienna. 

My personality is not one who does well sitting.  So, pretty much since Graem has been born, I've been just as active as I always I am.  I went for my first walk the day I got home from the hospital.  And I started running a few weeks ago (a complete sanity saver for me).  At my three/four week doctor check up, I'd lost 23 pounds, so still 12 more to go.

I also regularly go out with the three kids. It's been a complete learning lesson for me.  I've learned that I have to nurse Graem right before I put him in the carseat so I'm not stuck at the mall with Brae and Sienna and Graem needing to eat.  I've learned that if I do have to nurse when I'm out with the kids, I have to go somewhere where Sienna cannot run off (which she does, regularly).  I've learned that grocery shopping with 3 small kids is completely insane, and not recommended. 

Phew.  A long one, but I had a lot to say.  All in all, my heart is full.  I am content. 

My mom asked me the other day what was next?  Great question.  We've spent the last 7 years growing our family, it's hard to think about what to do now. 

Just enjoy it, I suppose. 

Pictures and Graem's First Month

Graem's due date was last Friday, yet he's been here for exactly one month already.  I still can't believe how small he is, although he is starting to look more like a typical newborn.  At his last appointment, he was 7 lb., 7 oz, and just over 20 inches.  Developmentally, he's on target, and the doctor who did his circumcision (ouch!) said he had no idea Graem was premature until he looked at his chart.

Graem is a laid back little dude.  He hates being cold, and he loves to be held.  If you can satisfy those two needs (apart from the whole feeding/sleeping thing), he's a happy camper. 

Nursing is going remarkably well (praise God!).  With Sienna's torticollis, nursing was a challenge. I ended up pumping, breastfeeding, and supplementing for four months before I raised the white flag. 

Graem has been a whole new story.  It took some time, but we've finally hit our groove with nursing.  This was a huge prayer request of mine, and I feel so grateful to be able to do it.  My goal is to get him to 6 months, when I have to go back to work full time.

The sleep deprivation has eased up a bit.  I try to nap once during the day.  Graem gives me about 3.5-4 hour stretches at night.  If I don't nap, and it's been a rough night with Graem, I notice my patience wears very thin.  Since I don't want to lose my patience with Brae and Sienna, those naps are crucial.

Brae and Sienna have remembered how to use the toilet now (thank goodness), and generally seem to be adapting better to Graem.  They still want to hold him, touch him, kiss him, and generally pester him constantly, but also are more receptive when its time to stop. 

Tygh enjoys his new son, and its becoming more apparent how much he and Graem look alike.  In fact, looking at Graem is like looking at Tygh's face on a small body. A little strange.

When Graem was 2 weeks old, we took the following photos.   (PS - the 4th of July quilt is one that was given to us by a volunteer when Graem was in the NICU - a very special blanket).

Enjoy!

A genetic child: does it feel different?

I've been asked this question a lot lately, by others, and by myself.  Now that Graem is here, does it feel different having a genetic child?

For those of you who may not know, we adopted our son, Brae, as an infant through the domestic infant adoption program.  We adopted our daughter, Sienna, as an embryo through the embryo adoption program.  Neither is genetically related to me or Tygh. 

And yet, they are fully our children.

With Graem, we did IVF, with our own ingredients.  Something we never thought possible given our fertility history.

So Graem is genetically related to us; Brae and Sienna are not.  None of our children is genetically related to the other.

And yet, they are still fully each our children.

With Brae, I felt love I never knew possible.  This little boy came out, and stole our hearts immediately.  I tell Brae that although he did not grow in my womb, he grew in our hearts.  I used to say that I'd walk in front of a semi-truck for him, and I still would.  It never mattered that he did not share our genes, and that I never carried him.  He was our son. Completely.

With Sienna, my heart grew in ways I didn't know possible.  I mean, the heart is a physical being, and yet mine grew beyond its physical capabilities.  With Sienna, I got to experience pregnancy, also a gift I didn't know I'd be able to have.  I also got my daughter.  She captivated our hearts from the moment she was thawed and transferred, through each and every ultrasound, and to the moment where she graced us with her presence.  It never mattered that she did not share our genes.  She was our daughter. Completely.

With Graem, my once completely full heart exploded again.  I never thought I'd have the opportunity to look into a child's eyes and see my own.  To gaze at their toes, and wonder if they looked like mine.  Graem has satisfied a yearning and a curiosity I thought would forever be wanting.  And, you know what?  I'd love him just as much if he did not share our genes.  If I did not carry him.  He was meant to be our son, and for me, that's enough.

So, the answer is "no," it does not feel different to have Graem.  I don't compare him to Brae or Sienna.  I don't look at Graem and say, "Oh, he's "mine."  Never.  I look at each of my children, and say they are each "mine." 

Because they are.  No matter how they came to us.

Regression.

Regression.  The act of stepping backwards.  Pretending to not be able to do something that you had previously mastered.  Example: Bedwetting, peeing on floors, peeing in your clothes even though you have been potty trained for years.

We are experiencing this phenomenon in our house now.  Graem has arrived, which means that Brae and Sienna have each forgotten how to use the toilet.

Makes complete sense.... right?

How the arrival of a new baby correlates to a preschooler's and pre-kindergartener's bladder is beyond me, but I know it's common. 

In any case, it's our life right now.  Brae seems to have improved, but Sienna is still peeing on her floor at night.  She's using the toilet everywhere else - at other people's houses, at school - just not at home.

I know it's a phase, and we'll get through it.  Just not sure our carpets will.

Post-baby blues

Someone in our house is struggling with the post-baby blues.  For once, I wish it were me.

It is Sienna.

She has taken baby Graem coming home harder than anyone else.  She is just all out of sorts. 

Temper tantrums.  Whining.  You name it.  She has brought the full force of her 3-year-old self to bear on our family.

I know this transition is hard for her, which thankfully, I'm able to remember when I otherwise could lose myself to impatience.  She is struggling, and I empathize.

God knew what He was doing when bringing Graem into our family. For so many reasons, it is good he is a boy vs. a girl.  The main reason I appreciate now is because I don't think Little Miss could handle the direct competition of another girl in the family.  The fact that he is a boy suits her better for her motherly role, and she does dote on him.

She loves him; she's mad at me.

Each night, I tell her how special she is to me.  How she's my only girl.  My princess.  I tell her I understand how hard this change must be, and it's ok to be upset.

She just nods, smiles, and tells me she wants strawberries.

Yesterday, we went to the library and got her some "big sister" books.

I don't know how much she is able to comprehend of what I tell her, or what we're reading in the books.  She isn't able to communicate fully how she's feeling with the transition.  My heart just goes out to her. 

I know this is just a season, and we'll get through this transitory phase soon.  Hopefully, relatively unscathed. 

Graem - Pictures

Graem's Birth Story

It was about 2:30 am on a Tuesday morning.  I was sleeping.  I awoke to feel something trickling  down my leg.  I prayed it was not blood.

I got up, and water started gushing. I knew what this was.  Same thing happened with Sienna. 

But, I was not prepared for this. I still had almost exactly one month to go (35 weeks/5 days).

I woke up Tygh.  Calm and collected, he told me to call the dr.  The dr. told me to go to the hospital. 

I wandered aimlessly around the house, waiting for Tygh's mother to arrive to watch Brae and Sienna.  I had nothing packed.  I didn't even know where to begin.

I finally managed to throw some stuff in a backpack, and we were out the door.

We headed to the best NICU hospital in the area, just in case.

When we arrived in triage, the nurses weren't sure it was really my amniotic fluid.  I assured them it was.  Nonetheless, it took about 45 minutes for a positive test to come back, and they admitted me.  We were going to have this baby, early or not.  I was 3 cm and 80%.

Contractions started pretty soon after that, but then died down.  We started Pitocin.  That was slow to kick in.  I walked around the hospital, bounced on a yoga ball, and they kept upping the Pitocin. 

I labored without drugs until I was about 8 cm.  Then, I got them.  As an aside, I continue to admire moms who labor without any drugs (like Brae's birthmom).  I feel I could have done it, physically, but mentally, not so sure.

I got the epidural just in time.  An hour and three pushes later, we were surprised and blessed with a baby boy.  He is the only genetic link to Tygh's side of the family that will carry on the family name.  I know that is special for Tygh.  Hence, it was important to him that he have a Gaelic/Irish name, like Brae.  Thus, Graem was born.  5:16 p.m.  Tuesday, July 1, 2014.  He was 6 lbs., 7 oz.  18 inches long. 

NICU staff was present for his birth, just in case.  However, when he came out crying, they left. 

Graem did great for about the first hour.  Then, he started grunting when he was breathing.  Slowly, the grunting increased in intensity and was constant.  The nurses said that was a sign he was struggling to breathe. 

Around 10 p.m., the nurses took him to NICU for observation.  At 2 a.m. the next day, he was put on CPAP (a breathing assistance machine), a feeding tube, and hooked up to all kinds of monitors.

I broke down in the nurse's arms when I saw him for the first time like that.  It was so... unexpected.  All of it. 

And, there he stayed, under 24 hour NICU supervision for the next 4 days.  I visited every day, multiple times a day, even after I was discharged just two days after he was born.  It was excruciating leaving the hospital without him. 

On the fifth day in NICU, the doctor thought he was improving enough to be taken off CPAP.  So, he was, and never looked back.  Although he kept losing weight, his breathing was getting stronger.  Finally, a day shy of 1-week old, we were able to bring Graem home.  It was one of the biggest reliefs of my life. 

Graem's birth story is unique, like every child's.  I'm so grateful for the NICU staff.  I'm so grateful Graem was as big as he was, one month early.  The doctor said that is the single biggest factor in why he was likely discharged sooner than expected.  Apparently, most 35-weekers that have breathing problems are in the NICU for weeks.   So, I now look back at the last several months, particularly, where I seemed to be gaining weight so rapidly.  Everyone commented about how large I was getting, for still having so far to go.

Well, now we know.  God was preparing his little body to be better equipped to enter this world sooner than we all expected. 

Graem was the biggest baby in the NICU, by far.  He was also the latest term baby.  Most of his neighbors were born around 31 weeks, weighing just a pound or two.  And yet, by the grace of God and modern medicine, each of them will likely be just fine.  (There's a NICU reunion every year.  A club I never thought I'd be a part of). 

I'm surprised to have a genetic child, period.  I'm surprised it's a boy.  It is all surreal.  I have a picture of Graem as a 4-day old morula.  And now, he lays before me, today, on what would have been his 37th week in utero. 

It's magical.

"Some babies are born in nine months, by the clock.  Some babies are born, and they sit up and talk.  Some babies are born, and no doctor is there.  But some babies come in on a wing and a prayer."

- Garrison Keillor.

An unexpected delivery

On Tuesday, July 1, at about 2:30 am, my water broke.  Exactly one month early.

We went to the hospital, it took them a while to confirm it was in fact my water, and then I was admitted.  I started contracting on my own, and eventually got Pitocin.  I was able to labor to about 8cm until I got the epidural.  About an hour after that, our son was born, at 5:16 p.m. 

He weighed 6 lbs., 7 oz., and was 18 inches long.

He did well for about the first hour and then we could tell he was laboring to breathe.  They monitored him for several hours and then took him to the NICU around 10 p.m.  Around 2 am, he was placed on the CPAP machine to help him breathe easier, and was given a feeding tube.

Last night, he graduated to the next level at NICU, but remains on CPAP and a feeding tube.  I was discharged yesterday, and it was heart wrenching leaving him behind.  I plan on visiting him 3x/day until we can bring him home.  At this point, we are hoping that will be sometime next week.

So many feelings, thoughts, etc. running through me right now.  But this is all I can manage to write at the moment.

Praise God our son, Graem Owen George Colton, is here.

35 week appointment and Sienna's 3-year stats

I turned 35 weeks yesterday.  I'm so ready to be done with this pregnancy (and yet, trying to be so grateful at the same time for this amazing miracle).

I was able to get a 3-D ultrasound yesterday (babies still look a little odd at this stage, IMO), but it was still super cute.  Some pictures looked like it could be a girl, and some looked like it could be a boy.  So, I remain blissfully clueless about this little one's gender.

Baby is weighing 5 lbs., 7 oz.  That is right about 50%, and the nurse said I should be on track to have a 7-8 lb baby (which would be the smallest baby ever born to my husband's side of the family).  Baby's heart rate fluctuated between 139-155 bpm.  It's head down (I don't think it's ever been head up), and looks mighty squished in there.

We've settled on names (finally) for this little one.  Hannah if it is a girl.  There is a lot of meaning associated with that name, for us.  It would have been Brae's name if he had been a girl.  It's Brae's birthmom's last name.  It's the woman in the Bible who struggled with infertility.  It goes really well with Sienna.  And, my middle name and my sister's middle name is each Ann.

If it's a boy, I'm leaning towards Drew.  Tygh is very picky when it comes to boy names, and on his list, this is my favorite.

***
Last week, Sienna had her 3 year check up.  She is still off the charts for height at 39 1/2 inches.  She's 90th percentile for weight at 36 lbs.  She's just a tall, sturdy little girl.

The doctor noted that she seemed quite sassy (that's not hard to pick up), but that she otherwise is a healthy little girl.  She prefers water over any other beverage. She loves salads with ranch dressing.  She's a champion sleeper.  She's been potty-trained for 6 months.  She is a fish in the water.  She loves playing dress up.  And she loves animals.  If I were to predict, this girl will be a vet or do something with animals.

She seems generally unaware of the fact that she's going to be a big sister soon, although she's got all the right lingo down.  She has started wanting to try the baby's pacifiers, and crawling into the crib.  I'm trying to prepare for some regression in her.

All in all, life is good.  We feel extremely blessed with how God has shaped our family. 

And I just cannot wait for this next month to be over.

Sienna's 3rd birthday party

Last weekend, we held a joint birthday party for Sienna and a friend of hers from preschool.  They both turned 3 within days of each other.

The theme was puppies.  Sienna loves dogs. 

The other mom graciously took on the task of planning the entire party.  I just helped fund it.  She went all out with the puppy theme, including serving hot dogs, puppy chow, and "ruff"age.

She made dog ears for the kids, dog collars with their names on them, had dog bone water bottles, and each kid got to adopt a stuffed puppy to take home.

All in all, a great success!

A Hard Week

This last week has been hard.  Three members of our family were hospitalized.  One just got out.  One remains.  One died.

Even one of these events is enough to cause you to pause, and put life in perspective.  All three at once is enough to paralyze you. 

Someone very smart once said that life is but a series of trials.  We are all either in a trial, just leaving one, or about to enter into one. 

I don't feel that I'm currently in a trial (although one could argue everyday life is a trial).  I also don't feel that I've just left a trial.  So, that must mean I'm about to go into one.

I could take that and become paranoid about it, or I could choose instead to relish every single morsel of time until then.  I could become obsessed with the eventuality of the next trial, or I could choose to be grateful for the moment, and not let the little things in my life swell into a fabricated trial (e.g., not let the fact that Brae has broken the blinds in his room become the central thought of  my day).

I know that the next trial is coming.  I don't know when, or what it will be.  But, I commit to entering it with grace, enduring it with thanksgiving, and leaving it with a lesson to tell and a helping hand to deliver.

Family Photos 2014

A few weeks ago, we had our annual "family photo session."  The weather was amazing, and the kids were (relatively) cooperative.  Enjoy!

Scenes from our last Kid-less vacation

Last week, we took (sniff, sniff) our last kid-less vacation, at least for a while.  With baby #3 on the way, our families (who have so wonderfully watched Brae and Sienna while we've galavanted on other trips), have admitted that three little ones is simply too much to take on.  We understand. 

So, with heavy hearts, we flew off to Mexico for one last trip sans kids.  Some friends joined us, and it was an amazing trip. 

We talked to the kids every night, and I'm thoroughly convinced we missed them way more than they missed us. 

But, when we arrived at the airport, they were there (surprise!) waiting for us.  Sienna nearly teared up when she saw me.  They both looked so much older - after only a week.  Each was a little clingy for the first few days, but we've now settled back into normal life routine. 

It is such a cliche, but as much as we love vacations, we also love being back home.

I returned and had a belated 28-week appointment.  I passed my glucose test, but learned that I'm slightly anemic.  More beans and legumes for me.  But, that does explain some lightheadedness and fatigue I've been feeling. 

I'm thrilled to be in the third trimester, and heading downhill, and just cannot wait to meet this little one - and figure out what the heck to call it.

Brae-isms

Some recent favorites from my favorite 5-year-old:

1) "Mommy, is God preparing a house for me in heaven?"

"Yes."

"And is He preparing a house for you?"
 
"Yes."

"When I get to heaven, I want to be your neighbor."

2) Our beloved sister-in-law endured a miscarriage earlier this year.  Since we had told Brae about the baby before the miscarriage, we had to tell him the baby had not survived further. 

"Mommy, is the baby in Auntie's tummy in heaven?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Well, that's where God wanted it."

"Because God doesn't have a baby of His own?"

3) "Brae, did you go to timeout today?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

(Shrugging).  "Mommy, I can't remember how to stay out of timeout."

4) We tell Brae it's important to eat all his food so he grows up big and strong.  After throwing up, Brae one morning, Brae turned to me and said, "Mom, I'm a little bit smaller today."

Spring Photos

                                         Playing in spring mud puddles.

                                       A wedding date night.  25 weeks preggo.

                                           Cousins painting Easter eggs.

                    Trying to capture the elusive perfect cousin-grandparent Easter photo.

                Trying to grab an Easter photo as we rush out the door in the morning.  Always an exercise in futility.


Hope you had a Happy Easter!