Loving Obedience.

So I had written a whole long blog and then it got deleted.

I don't believe in coincidences. God did not want me to publish that last post. I'm going to be much more succinct this time.

I've had a bad attitude lately. A good friend butt kicked me about that last night.

For the past months since we felt convicted and had peace we are supposed to be on this journey of embryo adoption and that God was leading us down this road, I believed all that was required of me was to be obedient to God. I was wrong. I need to be lovingly obedient. I need to be joyful on this journey. If I'm not, I'm giving the wrong impression to others about who God is. I have felt being on this journey was like a sheep being led to the slaughterhouse. That's because I felt God was leading me on this journey and that it would end in failure, but I was supposed to be on this journey anyway.

I was wrong. It still may be true that God's outcome is not my desired outcome, but I know that His ways are not my ways. His ways are greater and better than mine. He has more in store for me than I can possibly imagine. I have a rare opportunity on this journey to be a missionary. I need to take joy in that and relish being obedient to God and finding joy in that, and not just seeking the benefits or blessings of God. Just go after Him and who He is, and I will find peace, love, joy, and contentment.

As my very wise counselor and friend said, "When we have a trusting heart and an honest, open mind to God, we can be sure renewal is on its way." My struggles and this journey of infertility is not a failure on my part. There is nothing physically wrong with me. If something does not produce the results I want, it's not failure. It's just not God's plan. To look at it like failure is for me to think my body is more powerful than God. WOW.

God has not set me up for failure. His outcome on this journey of obedience may not be my desired outcome, but it WILL be part of His plan, which is so much more than I can possibly imagine.

I will continue to perservere. I will not give up. I will keep seeking God and keep trudging on this path, and with a better attitude now. God has not shown me the outcome. He has made promises to me about my future, but He has not provided me the timeline.

I trust Him. Happily. Joyfully.

And for a fleeting second this evening when I was rocking my son to bed, I said to myself, "Self, I want more of this. More of this being a Mom thing." And I already know I don't need to be pregnant to have that.

Thank you, Lord, for kick butt friends.