I'm told we're pregnant. I believe we're pregnant. Yet, some days, I don't "feel" pregnant. And that worries me. I start getting all anxious and in a tizzy, and it's just a mess.
In those moments, I fall flat on my face, confess it, and just pray that God continues to grow this baby(ies) inside of me.
I confess I compare my beta number with others (I'm sorry --I crinkle my nose to even say that out loud). I try not to get wrapped up in symptoms (or lack thereof), but I do.
And it's in these times when I'm flat on my face, just crying out, that God just comforts me. He tells me to rely on Him, not symptoms. To trust Him, not a number. That it's in these times when I don't "feel" preggo, that I need to remind myself of what I believe He's told us from the beginning -- this will be a sustained pregnancy that will result in a healthy delivery. But it's between now and this point where I'm going to have to trust Him, repeatedly.
Someone who struggled with infertility once told me that she thought the worrying stopped with a positive pregnancy tset. Then she thought it would stop with an ultrasound. Then she thought it would stop with a heartbeat. Then she thought it would stop with the second trimester. Then she thought it would stop when she got to the hospital to deliver. Then she thought it would stop when that baby was in her arms. And now, as a mom to a living, breathing child, she realized you never stop worrying for your child.
To be a mom means that you agree to forever have your heart live outside of your body.
I agree with that.
Lord -- I hold this baby (or babies) with lose and open hands. They were never mine to begin with, and even when (not if!) I deliver it/them, I will only continue to be the steward of this gift on earth.
Preach it, sistah! I am so with you on all of this. The waiting doesn't end with the 2ww for sure!!! Our ultrasound is on Friday and I don't think it could come soon enough. I also don't "feel" pregnant and some days that is harder than others. I am so glad we have the Lord to rely on!!
ReplyDeleteIsn't that the truth. There is always something to worry about! I appreciate that you are always so honest. And I am sure all (or at least most) of us get caught up in the comparisons. I know some people were sharing pregnancy symptoms during the two week wait and I fretted because I did not have what they were sharing. Trusting in Him is the only way to go even if you have to constantly recommit yourself to do that.
ReplyDeleteYour honest is admirable. I'm sure I'd feel the same way! Praying that you have peace during this time.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you are feeling, that is exactly how I was feeling with my last pregnancy (unfortunatly it ended in miscarriage and then I thought that happened because I was worrying so much). I think my very first pregnancy I was just shocked and didn't have any doubts but after losing William I guess I am cynical. I know the waiting and worring is just beginning I just hope and pray that my worrying doesn't affect the transfer on Wed or the baby "sticking". Thinking about you and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to trust God. Yet, that's what He calls us to do! Thanks for honoring Him with your life! Praying for your little one(s)! :)
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ReplyDeleteThis is the latest I've been up since being in TN! I'm not the clearest thinker or typist right now so I'm starting over.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate, Britney. I've felt pretty good today, and that's worried me.
Dear Lord- Help us all to rely on You and Nothing else.
Hey wanted to let you know that I have nominated you for "One Lovely Blog Award!" Check out my blog:)
ReplyDeleteI wanted to stop by and say congrats! I've been reading and keeping up, but my work computer hasn't allowed me to post and this is my first chance on the computer at home! I'm praying it's a really sticky bean and regardless that you continue to find peace in Him!
ReplyDeleteHmmm... I posted a comment on this one already. Where did it go? Okay, do I remember what I said 2 you 2 days ago? Well, uh, no! & I am not even PG. no excuses here!
ReplyDeleteKeep being honest and know that you are encouraging so many people. I battled those same feelings these last 2 years. I finally admitted to DH & myself recently I am SCARED stiff to be pregnant again. I am scared to get pregnant and scared of it all, but God is not just leading me through, He is nudging me through as He has chosen me to care for these 5 little ones no matter how long I have them. 4 m/c in less than 2 years really did a number on me, but by His mercies, I reach for my Savior's hand. I am praying daily for you and your baby(ies). BTW, my PookieBear had a very low HCg# and she will be 3yo this month!