I've said time and time again that genetics play a nominal role in the similarities between siblings, and yet each time I see Brae's half-sister, I feel like that role just keeps getting bigger.
They look so much alike. They make the same facial expressions. They make the same hand gestures. Even their pout is the same. They react to things very similarly. It's astounding.
They are both very independent, strong-willed, and confident kids (all "nice" ways of saying "bossy").
I know all of these traits can be positives when channelled the right way.
Brae's birthmom is engaged and getting married next summer. I reiterated that if she wants us there, or Brae even in the wedding, it would be an honor. She beamed and nodded.
As the conversation was winding down, we talked a little about Sienna (who was traipsing around the little gym, minding her own business). And then Brae's birthmom said something that stung my gut:
"You know, I was a little worried when you told me you were pregnant with Sienna. That you wouldn't want or love Brae as much because you didn't carry him."
Right. in. the. gut.
I don't blame her at all for saying this. I think it's a very human and natural concern. I get it.
But for us, it is so wrong.
I explained to her that couldn't be further from the truth. Brae made me a mom. Sienna made me pregnant. They are both so special and unique in their own ways. I told her it was actually harder for me to bond with Sienna, simply because she was a "fussier" baby. Brae was easy as pie. Sienna was more high maintenance.
My love and attachment to each Brae and Sienna developed in their own natural ways, and neither of them had anything to do with whether I carried them or not. They were both mine.
She grinned. I think she got it.
I have that same kind of perspective - sort of. Our first child is our biological child. A hard fought prize at the end of a long and painful infertility journey. He is the spitting image of his father and the little boy I always wanted. Our 2nd child is our adopted embryo child. She completes our family and is the daughter I never knew I wanted. When pregnant with her, I was a little worried too. Would I feel the same about her as I did about William? I knew it was possible to not have that immediate bond the day your baby is born....I did not bond with William immediately. I loved him...but it took a good 6-8 weeks for our bond to get really strong and for me to get that overwhelming tightness in my chest just thinking about him. I was worried though...that I might never get that with Genevieve. Boy oh boy was I wrong. Oh my....the day she was born....it was INSTANT. So weird. But it doesn't mean it was any better or worse than the way I bonded with my son. Just as strong...but came at a different time. And now they are 5 and 3. My love for each of them is crazy strong and very very bonded....but it is different. And I know now that it isn't different because he is my biological child and he isn't....it is different for so many reasons....mainly because they are different people and they love differently and have different personalities and different needs. I think it was having a biological child that convinced me I could love an adopted child just as much. Because I never looked at him and thought "Oh...I love your genetics so much".....I just loved HIM....for who he is and the relationship that we are still building as he grows. It really is the same with Genevieve. I think I bonded faster with her because I was so open to it...but also because she was a different child. She was actually more needy than William and would react to me different...my presense really seemed needed by her whereas William was content with anyone. She really wanted her mommy from the moment she exited my womb....William was very content to just hang out with daddy or in the swing or in his bed. My bond with Genevieve came on so fast because when she was crying...all I had to do was hold her close and talk to her and she would calm. That feeling that she needed me so much expedited that overwhelming protectiveness and breathtaking need to be near her too. So...yes...I often get asked if it is different because he is our biological child and she is not.....and the answer is always yes and no....for all the reasons stated above. But....additionally....it is also always a joy for me to explain this to people so that the notion of being a parent does not have to always tie to genetics.
ReplyDeleteI think it would be natural for a birthmom to feel that way, just like it would be natural for a parent to worry about if they'll feel as much love for another child. Kaylee's birthmom also mentioned that she was initially upset when we started the adoption process again.
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