Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Update and a Note on Timing.
Brae Update:
That boy's language skills have just skyrocketed over the last several weeks. He's using prepositions and complete sentences, and is learning and using new words each day, literally. He's also recently catching on to his favorite phrases, which he then applies to everything. For instance, he's learned "it's too scary." He learned it when we took him on the roller coaster ride at the local amusement park. The first time around the roller coaster, he was stunned. The second time around the roller coaster, I became one of those parents who force their screaming kids to go on amusement rides. In that moment, he learned the phrase, "it's too scary."
Well, now he applies it to everything. For example, yesterday morning he insisted on NOT having his hot cocoa in the purple cup with butterflies on it. Why? You guessed it. "It's too scary."
Sienna Update:
The girl LOVES her baths. She can be screaming bloody murder right before I put her in, but the second she melts into the sudsy water, she is in pure heaven. If there wasn't that whole silly thing about drowning, I'd just leave her there for hours.
She's recently discovered her hands. They go in her mouth. This is a blessing because she does not like binkys.
She's starting to smile, and can actually roll over from her stomach to her back already.
We're still dealing with evening crying spells, which we're trying to combat by just putting her to bed early. Sometimes, that can be an hour long plus process.
Tygh/Britney Update and a Note on Timing:
We were recently interviewed by Biola University for a study they are doing with NEDC about our experience. The interviewer actually flew up from California and then drove down from Seattle just to interview us. She mostly just wanted to hear about our journey to Sienna from start to finish. It was so surreal to re-live the process from the beginning and it made me realize just how far we've come, and the story that God wove together for Sienna.
It also caused me to think about two very interesting timing "coincidences" God weaved in. When we think back on Sienna's life (from conception), God has put together quite a masterpiece intertwining all of her time spent waiting in limbo, just waiting to be born, with all of our time waiting to get her. But it also recently dawned on me two very interesting dates that are just too coincidental to be accidental:
-- September 18, 2010: date of our transfer
-- September 18, 2011: last date of our maternity leave (coming full circle)
... and
-- June 6, 2010: first appointment with NEDC in Tennessee
-- June 6, 2011: my due date
-- June 6, 2011: date my water broke
Isn't that cool? It's also cool to think that just 6 weeks after I gave birth, Sienna is already 6 weeks old. Oh. Wait. I guess that's not so coincidental.
That boy's language skills have just skyrocketed over the last several weeks. He's using prepositions and complete sentences, and is learning and using new words each day, literally. He's also recently catching on to his favorite phrases, which he then applies to everything. For instance, he's learned "it's too scary." He learned it when we took him on the roller coaster ride at the local amusement park. The first time around the roller coaster, he was stunned. The second time around the roller coaster, I became one of those parents who force their screaming kids to go on amusement rides. In that moment, he learned the phrase, "it's too scary."
Well, now he applies it to everything. For example, yesterday morning he insisted on NOT having his hot cocoa in the purple cup with butterflies on it. Why? You guessed it. "It's too scary."
Sienna Update:
The girl LOVES her baths. She can be screaming bloody murder right before I put her in, but the second she melts into the sudsy water, she is in pure heaven. If there wasn't that whole silly thing about drowning, I'd just leave her there for hours.
She's recently discovered her hands. They go in her mouth. This is a blessing because she does not like binkys.
She's starting to smile, and can actually roll over from her stomach to her back already.
We're still dealing with evening crying spells, which we're trying to combat by just putting her to bed early. Sometimes, that can be an hour long plus process.
Tygh/Britney Update and a Note on Timing:
We were recently interviewed by Biola University for a study they are doing with NEDC about our experience. The interviewer actually flew up from California and then drove down from Seattle just to interview us. She mostly just wanted to hear about our journey to Sienna from start to finish. It was so surreal to re-live the process from the beginning and it made me realize just how far we've come, and the story that God wove together for Sienna.
It also caused me to think about two very interesting timing "coincidences" God weaved in. When we think back on Sienna's life (from conception), God has put together quite a masterpiece intertwining all of her time spent waiting in limbo, just waiting to be born, with all of our time waiting to get her. But it also recently dawned on me two very interesting dates that are just too coincidental to be accidental:
-- September 18, 2010: date of our transfer
-- September 18, 2011: last date of our maternity leave (coming full circle)
... and
-- June 6, 2010: first appointment with NEDC in Tennessee
-- June 6, 2011: my due date
-- June 6, 2011: date my water broke
Isn't that cool? It's also cool to think that just 6 weeks after I gave birth, Sienna is already 6 weeks old. Oh. Wait. I guess that's not so coincidental.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Life with a One Month Old (and a toddler)
Brae update:
-- Brae walks up to me the other day, completely out of the blue, looks me square in the eyes, points his finger in my face, and says very sternly, "Mom, don't HIT me!".... that boy is going to get me in trouble one of these days.
-- The other day, Brae hands me his wet diaper and declares, "Mom, I want to go potty." We go upstairs to his little potty where he stands over it for several minutes, flexing his little bum muscles. Finally, he proclaims, "Mom, it's too hard." Then, he reaches down, and picks up the little potty and plants it squarely over/in front of his privates. I'd love to know the thought process that went behind that one.... "Hmm.. maybe if I bring the potty to ME, the pee will come..."
Sienna update:
-- My father-in-law told me that he had a conversation with a friend about the journey Sienna took to come to us. He was telling him the whole story and at the end, asked his friend: "How do you think Sienna will process this when she is older? What would you think if you were Sienna?" And the friend said without hesitation, "I thought about that very same question as you were telling the story. The first thing that came to my mind is that I would be so grateful. So grateful someone went to that much trouble to save me." I LOVE that.
-- Sienna is a porker. And I say that with the utmost affection. But, I'm often finding dried, curdled milk in her neck folds. That does NOT smell good. And... umm... I'm having a hard time distinguishing her feminine parts from her thighs. It's all just rolls down there! And, as my dear friend stated, "I hope no one ever thinks that about me!" Ha ha. (Only behind your back, Lauren). xoxo
-- Sienna is definitely a more challenging infant than Brae was, and yet, I think that she's probably perfectly "normal". I'm realizing we were probably just very lucky with Brae. But, I fall more and more in love with my daughter (it's so weird to say that word!) every day. I love you, baby girl.
Britney update:
-- I've had a relatively easy and quick recovery (can I get an AMEN to that?). That's what just 6 pushes yields (after 31 hours of torture). I did my first run/walk at 11 days P.S. (post-Sienna). And I've slowly been building up to a full run, for about 30 minutes at a time. It is heaven to return to one of my favorite pastimes -- summer evening runs. And, my fabu brother-in-law made me a terrific 80s playlist that I cannot wait to rock out to. I ask you, is there anything better than running to Starship?
I think not.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Adoption and Attachment.
As I mentioned in my last blog, we went to an adoption/attachment seminar the other day put on by our church. It was presented by a doctor who is an expert in the field. The seminar was very informative, but I felt geared more toward those who have adopted older children or internationally. I'm sure all types of adoptions (even biological relationships for that matter) have some sort of attachment issues/attachment breaks, but I felt the attachment disorders we learned about more readily apply to older children and international adoptees.
That said, we learned a lot, and I'd like to pass along some interesting tidbits:
1. In the first year of life, a baby has no wants. The baby only has needs. If those needs are not immediately met (wet diaper, fed, tired), the child has a break in basic trust. If that basic trus is continually not met, the child begins to have an attachment break. (Again, this applies to bio/genetic children as well).
2. Beginning at about 4 months gestation, the baby desires and longs to look into her mother's eyes, and smell her skin. For children who are adopted domestically or internationally, if they don't experience those two things after birth, their body records an attachment break. Their mind may not recognize it, but their body keeps score. (I have trouble with this one, because I don't like to think my son's body is suffering from the fact he didn't look into his bio mom's eyes, or smell her skin). As the doctor said, "Even when victims forget, their bodies keep score."
3. There are 27 criteria in determining whether an infant has appropriately attached to her parents or not. A sampling: a) resists comforting or nurturance; b) poor eye contact; c) exceedingly demanding; d) stiffens or becomes rigid when held; and e) when held chest to chest, faces away.
4. There is another list for children under the age of 5. Tygh and I filled it out for Brae. Of the 30 criteria, we listed 23 as him exhibiting none of the behaviors. We listed 7 as him exhibiting "moderately." They included: a) angry or rageful when cries; b) exceedingly demanding; c) likes to be in control; d) cries or rages when held beyond his wishes; e) prefers Dad to Mom; f) get in and out of parents lap frequently; g) feeding problems.
5. In reference to the above, I have to ask myself -- do any of those behaviors seem abnormal for a 2.5-year-old boy? Don't most 2.5-year-old boys have temper tantrums? Demand things? Want to be in control? Don't want to be held when throwing a temper tantrum? Prefer Daddy (as a boy)? Are antsy? Want to eat only what they want to eat? .... This was the heart of my confusion with the seminar -- how do I know if what I see in my son is normal behavior vs. an attachment disorder?
Toward the end of the seminar, I had a mixture of emotions. Was my son's body suffering on a daily basis because he never looked into his bio mom's eyes? Did he have some kind of attachment disorder and I'm being naive? Is my son forever "ruined" because he had an attachment break at infancy?
As gloomy as some of the presentation was, in the back of the material, I learned that only 3-6% of the overall population actually have an attachment disorder. What we were listening to was the MINORITY and WORST cases.
Yes, it was good to have the information and general knowledge. Yes, I know that Brae will have to deal with certain feelings associated with being adopted. Yes, Sienna may have similar feelings as well. Tygh and I feel prepared and are open, ready, and willing to discuss their adoption stories with them at the appropriate times.
But, no, I don't think that either of my children are any more broken than so many of us who grew up with our biological/genetic parents. As the product of divorce, I'm sure I myself fall into some classification of an attachment break. I know that I can't "love away" an attachment break, but I refuse (perhaps naively) to believe that my son is wounded by the break from his biological family. Nothing at ALL against his bio family (when you adopt a child, you adopt the extended family as well), but blood does not make family.
That said, we learned a lot, and I'd like to pass along some interesting tidbits:
1. In the first year of life, a baby has no wants. The baby only has needs. If those needs are not immediately met (wet diaper, fed, tired), the child has a break in basic trust. If that basic trus is continually not met, the child begins to have an attachment break. (Again, this applies to bio/genetic children as well).
2. Beginning at about 4 months gestation, the baby desires and longs to look into her mother's eyes, and smell her skin. For children who are adopted domestically or internationally, if they don't experience those two things after birth, their body records an attachment break. Their mind may not recognize it, but their body keeps score. (I have trouble with this one, because I don't like to think my son's body is suffering from the fact he didn't look into his bio mom's eyes, or smell her skin). As the doctor said, "Even when victims forget, their bodies keep score."
3. There are 27 criteria in determining whether an infant has appropriately attached to her parents or not. A sampling: a) resists comforting or nurturance; b) poor eye contact; c) exceedingly demanding; d) stiffens or becomes rigid when held; and e) when held chest to chest, faces away.
4. There is another list for children under the age of 5. Tygh and I filled it out for Brae. Of the 30 criteria, we listed 23 as him exhibiting none of the behaviors. We listed 7 as him exhibiting "moderately." They included: a) angry or rageful when cries; b) exceedingly demanding; c) likes to be in control; d) cries or rages when held beyond his wishes; e) prefers Dad to Mom; f) get in and out of parents lap frequently; g) feeding problems.
5. In reference to the above, I have to ask myself -- do any of those behaviors seem abnormal for a 2.5-year-old boy? Don't most 2.5-year-old boys have temper tantrums? Demand things? Want to be in control? Don't want to be held when throwing a temper tantrum? Prefer Daddy (as a boy)? Are antsy? Want to eat only what they want to eat? .... This was the heart of my confusion with the seminar -- how do I know if what I see in my son is normal behavior vs. an attachment disorder?
Toward the end of the seminar, I had a mixture of emotions. Was my son's body suffering on a daily basis because he never looked into his bio mom's eyes? Did he have some kind of attachment disorder and I'm being naive? Is my son forever "ruined" because he had an attachment break at infancy?
As gloomy as some of the presentation was, in the back of the material, I learned that only 3-6% of the overall population actually have an attachment disorder. What we were listening to was the MINORITY and WORST cases.
Yes, it was good to have the information and general knowledge. Yes, I know that Brae will have to deal with certain feelings associated with being adopted. Yes, Sienna may have similar feelings as well. Tygh and I feel prepared and are open, ready, and willing to discuss their adoption stories with them at the appropriate times.
But, no, I don't think that either of my children are any more broken than so many of us who grew up with our biological/genetic parents. As the product of divorce, I'm sure I myself fall into some classification of an attachment break. I know that I can't "love away" an attachment break, but I refuse (perhaps naively) to believe that my son is wounded by the break from his biological family. Nothing at ALL against his bio family (when you adopt a child, you adopt the extended family as well), but blood does not make family.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Musings of the sleep deprived.
-- There is such a thing as the infant phantom cry. I listen to it for hours each night until it becomes a reality. Then I stumble and trip to the source.
-- I miss taking showers at normal hours. I miss checking emails during the daytime.
-- Tygh tells Sienna boys only want one thing -- to get in her diaper.
-- I want my own vibrating chair. And my own sleep sack.
-- I wonder what breastmilk tastes like. No, I'm not going to try it. But I wonder.
-- Breast pumps were made by men. Wanting to experiment in torture techniques. Torture techniques of cows.
-- At what point does it become bad form to step out into public wearing the same clothes? 2 days? 3 days? A week?
-- I want to paint Sienna's toenails. Don't worry. I'm resisting the urge.
-- I wish I had memories from when I was 2.5 weeks old. But for Sienna's sake, I'm glad she doesn't.
-- We went to a seminar on adoption and attachment the other night. I'm still processing my feelings about it, but will write on it soon.
-- Tygh came home the other day to find me sitting outside feeding Sienna, and Brae running around the driveway in a shirt -- just a shirt. No pants, no diaper, no socks, no shoes, just a shirt. His wet diaper was strewn next to the garage. His pants were nowhere in sight. And he was playing basketball (of course). Tygh walked up to me with a smile and said, "Darling, have you just given up?" Yes, yes I have.
-- I miss taking showers at normal hours. I miss checking emails during the daytime.
-- Tygh tells Sienna boys only want one thing -- to get in her diaper.
-- I want my own vibrating chair. And my own sleep sack.
-- I wonder what breastmilk tastes like. No, I'm not going to try it. But I wonder.
-- Breast pumps were made by men. Wanting to experiment in torture techniques. Torture techniques of cows.
-- At what point does it become bad form to step out into public wearing the same clothes? 2 days? 3 days? A week?
-- I want to paint Sienna's toenails. Don't worry. I'm resisting the urge.
-- I wish I had memories from when I was 2.5 weeks old. But for Sienna's sake, I'm glad she doesn't.
-- We went to a seminar on adoption and attachment the other night. I'm still processing my feelings about it, but will write on it soon.
-- Tygh came home the other day to find me sitting outside feeding Sienna, and Brae running around the driveway in a shirt -- just a shirt. No pants, no diaper, no socks, no shoes, just a shirt. His wet diaper was strewn next to the garage. His pants were nowhere in sight. And he was playing basketball (of course). Tygh walked up to me with a smile and said, "Darling, have you just given up?" Yes, yes I have.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Musings from a 12-day-old
** I have been following each of your blogs, but for some reason, am having difficulty leaving comments. Anyone else having issues?**
From Sienna:
-- I LOVE to be held. I cannot reiterate that enough. I can be fed, changed, and completely exhausted, but if I'm not in your arms, I throw a fit. Daddy says I'm high maintenance and if we don't get this need to be constantly held under control, a whole host of issues can occur -- teenage insecurity/rebellion, followed by lots of tats and piercings, followed by me marrying some guy named Vinny at a midnight ceremony in Vegas.
-- I don't much care for my crib. It's hard and uncomfortable. I prefer to sleep (only after being held) in my vibrating chair.
-- I don't think I've worn anything other than pink since I was born.
-- Mommy puts these gawdy huge bows on my head. They get in my eyes.
-- I poop with every single feeding. And it stinks.
-- Nursing is going better, although I still recognize that milk just comes faster from a bottle than from Mommy. Sorry, Ma.
-- I love my big brother. He's always watching out for me. He gives a play-by-play to Daddy in the car. "Daddy, uh-oh, Sienna lost her binky." "Daddy, uh-oh, Sienna's crying." "Daddy, uh-oh, Sienna's missing." (That last one had Mommy in a tizzy).
From Sienna:
-- I LOVE to be held. I cannot reiterate that enough. I can be fed, changed, and completely exhausted, but if I'm not in your arms, I throw a fit. Daddy says I'm high maintenance and if we don't get this need to be constantly held under control, a whole host of issues can occur -- teenage insecurity/rebellion, followed by lots of tats and piercings, followed by me marrying some guy named Vinny at a midnight ceremony in Vegas.
-- I don't much care for my crib. It's hard and uncomfortable. I prefer to sleep (only after being held) in my vibrating chair.
-- I don't think I've worn anything other than pink since I was born.
-- Mommy puts these gawdy huge bows on my head. They get in my eyes.
-- I poop with every single feeding. And it stinks.
-- Nursing is going better, although I still recognize that milk just comes faster from a bottle than from Mommy. Sorry, Ma.
-- I love my big brother. He's always watching out for me. He gives a play-by-play to Daddy in the car. "Daddy, uh-oh, Sienna lost her binky." "Daddy, uh-oh, Sienna's crying." "Daddy, uh-oh, Sienna's missing." (That last one had Mommy in a tizzy).
Monday, June 13, 2011
Sienna's birth story.
So here it goes, before I forget it all!
-- A week ago today, I went in for my 40 week "due date" appointment. I was still not dialated, still 80% effaced, and she was still about station -1. The doctor said that it was unlikely I was going to dialate on my own if I hadn't already, so we scheduled an induction for the 14th (tomorrow). The dr. said that unless my water broke, I wasn't going into labor on my own.
-- Tygh and I left that appointment at 4:30. Two hours later, as I'm squatting down at Brae's bookshelf to pick out some bedtime stories, I feel a "gush". I paused. No, it can't be, I tell myself. Then I go to the bathroom, and sure enough, there was no doubt. Just trust me, there was no doubt.
-- I go downstairs, numb, to Tygh. He and Brae are watching TV. I say, "Um, I think my water just broke." Now, keep in mind, we had a false alarm about 2 weeks ago, so he's a little skeptical. Then, he looks at the floor. He looks at me. He sees what has puddled on the floor. Then, very calmly, he says, "okay, well, let's get our stuff."
-- As I'm running around the house trying to gather things and call people, my heart is just racing. Two hours earlier I thought I had another week to go.
-- Tygh's mom arrives to pick up Brae. As she's holding him, I kiss him and say, "Brae, we're going to get Baby Sienna now." His eyes widen. He nods his head. I know he has no idea what is going on, but he doesn't let it show.
-- We arrive to the hospital and are put in triage. They confirmed my water had broken. But still not dialated. Behind the curtain next to me, I overhear a sweet young woman just brokenhearted. She's alone. She's having false labor pains. She is talking to her nurse saying she is choosing adoption for her baby. She has no way to support him. She says she loves him, but she knows she just cannot provide for him. She lives on the psych ward in the hospital.
-- I don't believe in coincidences. I ask Tygh to pull the curtain back. I call out, "Hi, roomie." Silence. "Hi, roomie." "You talking to me?" "Yes. I couldn't help but overhear you. I just wanted to say that my husband and I adopted our son 2.5 years ago from a birthmom. I just want to tell you that I think you are amazing." The conversation went on for a little bit from there. She was going through Catholic Charities. She hadn't chosen a family yet. Minutes later, the doctor told her they were taking her back to the psych ward. As she left, I told her I'd be thinking of her. Then, as she left, I started praying silently for her. Her name is Stephanie. I pray for protection over her, that baby boy, and the family she will choose.
-- I arrived at our birthing suite. Our nurse, Brenda, was phenomenal. She swung us a HUGE suite. I settled in, thinking I'd have a baby in the morning. It was about 9 p.m. I watched the Bachelorette (Bentley is a jerk!). I'd already eaten, so wasn't hungry. Tygh settled in. My mom and sister arrived. Still not dialated.
-- By morning, I was in pain. The contractions had started, and I'd asked for pain medication (which I never thought I'd do, aside from the epidural). They started pitocin. A few hours later, when I was around 2-3 cm, I got the epidural. But it never really took on the left side, which, as it would turn out, would be the biggest source of stress and pain of all.
-- I was getting hungry. And thirsty. But I was only allowed ice chips and popsicles. Family and friends flowed freely in the room. Contractions were about every 4-5 minutes. For the most part, I was alert until a contraction came. Then, I just would close my eyes, moan softly, and someone would be rubbing my head, my arm, or my lower back.
-- Around 6 p.m., I was only 5-6 cms dialated. I was in a LOT of pain. I hit a wall. I'd been at the hospital for nearly 24 hours, and I was only halfway dialated. Are you kidding me?! I felt emotionally and physically exhausted, drained, and just.done. I was done. Literally. DONE. I cried to the nurse, "Please, just give me a C-section. I can't do this anymore. I can't even think of pushing or going through this for any longer. Just get her out of me, please," I begged. "Honey, you don't want a C-section." "Yes," I pleaded, "I do." Tears were streaming down my face. I was shaking. "Please, I can't go through this anymore. I'm done."
-- After hearing this, the doctor ordered everyone out of the room. She said she wanted me to have time to rest. I felt like no one was listening to me. They were pushing me to have a vaginal birth. I couldn't feel my legs or my toes from the epidural. I'd been in a bed for over 24 hours, had no food or water, and was having strong contractions every 2-3 minutes. And I was only 5-6 cms dialated? "Dear God," I prayed, "Please help me get through this. I feel defeated. I'm worn down. I don't want this anymore."
-- Then, I fell asleep for 4 hours.
-- When I woke up, the "transition phase" started. That's when you go through the 7-9 cms dialation. It was brutal. I was shaking all over and didn't have control over my body. I was sweating, and yet the room was at a cool 60 degrees. I was throwing up, and yet all I'd had in the last 30 hours were ice chips and 2 popsicles. I felt like I could die. Sienna was still sunnyside up, so the nurse put me in a variety of side positions to try and gravitationally turn Sienna around.
-- Around 11 p.m., the nurse checked me again. I was 9 cms dialated. Thank you, Lord! On the one hand, the end seemed in sight and I was relieved. On the other hand, this definitely meant I was not getting a C-section, which meant I had to keep going. I was not done yet.
-- Sienna was SO low (she'd been low the whole pregnancy), the nurse thought that even though I was at 9 cms, and still had to get to 10, if I pushed, I may just get to 10. So, with a little push, I got to 10. The pain on my left side was excruciating. The epidural had never fully taken on that side, and that's the side that Sienna was on. It felt like someone was digging and twisting a long, sharp knife into my lower back. The anesthesiologist came back in to "top off" the epidural, which only further numbed my right side, but offered little relief to my left. If you've ever been completely numb from the waist down, but completely coherent otherwise, it is the most helpless feeling. You cannot even wiggle your toes, try as you might.
-- Around midnight, the nurse wanted me to start pushing. The doctor was at another delivery (not my doctor, but the on-call doctor). I did about 2-3 sets of pushes, and the nurse could see her head. She called for the doctor. Then, we waited. This was the hardest part. Sienna was almost here, and yet I had to wait. And wait. Because of the epidural, there wasn't really much pain, just a lot of pressure.
-- Tygh is very queasy. When I'd gotten my epidural, even though he didn't see any of it (he was in front of me, holding my hand), he nearly went over. So, I knew he wasn't going to make it through the delivery. But, when he'd heard that I was getting ready to push again, he came in, gave me a kiss, and said, "I love you. You can do it." Then, he returned to the waiting room. My mom, my sister, and the nurse remained.
-- The doctor came in and around 12:30, we started pushing again. I did about another 2-3 more sets of pushes, and she was out! In total, I pushed for about 26 minutes. The doctor said that was one of the fastest first-time deliveries she'd ever seen. After 31 hours of "labor", 26 minutes was like lightning. Thank you, God! She was born at 1:11 am. I went into the hospital on Monday. She was born on Wednesday.
-- I didn't know it at the time, but learned just yesterday a very cool side story. My dear friend, Rhonda, who has walked this adoption journey with me, and has adopted a son of her own, sent me an email. Around midnight/1 p.m. on Tuesday/Wednesday, she said she awoke to the sound of 3 knocks on her door. Or, so she thought. She got up, and went to check on her son. He was fine. Then, God brought me to her mind. Rhonda knew I was in labor, but had last received a blog update around 6 p.m. the night before. She didn't know whether I was still in labor or had delivered. She felt God impressing on her to pray for me. She began praying. By the time she finished, it was 1:30. She didn't know it, but Sienna had been born. (Thank you, Rhonda. I still tear up). (We have a very similar story for when Brae was born -- an acquaintance was awoken in the middle of the night and felt impressed upon to pray for our son, who had yet to be born. She did, and he was born the next morning).
-- I thought for sure I'd want music playing during the delivery. I even had my Ipod playlist all ready. Nope. I wanted none of it. And I didn't want to be touched. I wanted it dark, cool, and silent. No one spoke, except for the doctor to count.
-- I saw Sienna come out and it was surreal. This little person has been growing and moving inside of you for all this time, and she's finally here. I can't describe it. I was overcome with emotion, but too exhausted to express any of it. This little life was transferred to me in cell form, and here she had eyes, ears, a mouth, toes. She was a person. She grew inside of me. I still can't wrap my head around it. My sister started to cry. My mom cut the cord.
-- They placed Sienna on my chest. I felt her warmth. Her little heartbeat. To this day, I'm still amazed.
-- As they took Sienna over to get cleaned up, weighed, and measured, the doctor tried to deliver the placenta. But, it wasn't detaching from the wall. After another 30 minutes of increasing the pitocin and still contracting, the doctor finally had to go in and get it. OUCH. Hurt way more than the delivery of Sienna. (Can I just say the placenta is a remarkable-looking organ? But no, I don't want to keep it or freeze it or plant it.) But, the doctor said because of the quick delivery of Sienna, I barely had any tearing. I had "skid marks". She did a few stiches, but said everything should heal just fine.
-- Tygh came back in and held his daughter for the first time. Family and friends slowly began to come in and greet our baby girl. I was still way too exhausted to show any kind of emotion. All I wanted was a Sprite. My dear father-in-law scoured the hospital, and finally came back with two Sprites. I downed them.
-- A few hours later, I was transferred up to the recovery suite. Family, friends, and Tygh went home. As hard as it was, I asked to have Sienna in the respite room so I could get some sleep. I knew I needed sleep for her, and for me. But, after 3 hours, I couldn't take it. I asked for her back, and we slept together.
-- I came home Thursday evening and was so ready to be home. The hardest part of the recovery was actually regaining sensation in my legs. I'm thankful for the quick delivery because it really has made for an equally quick recovery. I'm really not in pain, and the cramps are only mild. The hardest part has been the pain and frustration associated with nursing. Sienna doesn't have the best latch, and despite several sessions with a lactation specialist, I probably will not be able to provide Sienna everything she needs with nursing. That was hard to accept at first, and I had to wrestle with some guilt, but the girl needs to eat. So, I've been doing some nursing just to help with the bonding, but am mostly pumping and bottle feeding.
-- I know most moms say this, but Sienna really is a dream baby. Last night, she slept 5.5 hours straight. She really doesn't fuss, she loves to be held, and she's just so very sweet.
-- Brae has been remarkable. He was at his grandparents for 2 days while I was in the hospital, and as much as he loves them, I know it was hard and confusing for him. He went to school a couple days last week, and the teachers said he wasn't eating or sleeping well, and seemed teary-eyed. ; (
-- Tygh and I have made special attempts to spend time with just him alone. We had a good weekend. Brae hasn't shown any sings of aggression toward Sienna. He's actually been a good helper (bringing me a bottle for her, turning on her vibrating chair, wanting to make sure she has a slice of pizza too, etc.). But he definitely has shown jealous tendencies -- wanting to be held when we're holding her, demanding more of our attention, etc. This morning, when I dropped him off at school, he threw a tantrum and didn't want me to leave. Broke my heart. I know he's going through just as much of a transition as the rest of us. I don't want him to feel replaced. He's not. He will always be the child that made us parents. He will always be the child that filled such a longing in us.
-- So, such has begun my summertime maternity leave. And it's raining oustide. But inside, next to me, in her little butterfly vibrating chair, pursing her rosebud lips, lays my daughter. My "promise from God." My Sienna.
-- A week ago today, I went in for my 40 week "due date" appointment. I was still not dialated, still 80% effaced, and she was still about station -1. The doctor said that it was unlikely I was going to dialate on my own if I hadn't already, so we scheduled an induction for the 14th (tomorrow). The dr. said that unless my water broke, I wasn't going into labor on my own.
-- Tygh and I left that appointment at 4:30. Two hours later, as I'm squatting down at Brae's bookshelf to pick out some bedtime stories, I feel a "gush". I paused. No, it can't be, I tell myself. Then I go to the bathroom, and sure enough, there was no doubt. Just trust me, there was no doubt.
-- I go downstairs, numb, to Tygh. He and Brae are watching TV. I say, "Um, I think my water just broke." Now, keep in mind, we had a false alarm about 2 weeks ago, so he's a little skeptical. Then, he looks at the floor. He looks at me. He sees what has puddled on the floor. Then, very calmly, he says, "okay, well, let's get our stuff."
-- As I'm running around the house trying to gather things and call people, my heart is just racing. Two hours earlier I thought I had another week to go.
-- Tygh's mom arrives to pick up Brae. As she's holding him, I kiss him and say, "Brae, we're going to get Baby Sienna now." His eyes widen. He nods his head. I know he has no idea what is going on, but he doesn't let it show.
-- We arrive to the hospital and are put in triage. They confirmed my water had broken. But still not dialated. Behind the curtain next to me, I overhear a sweet young woman just brokenhearted. She's alone. She's having false labor pains. She is talking to her nurse saying she is choosing adoption for her baby. She has no way to support him. She says she loves him, but she knows she just cannot provide for him. She lives on the psych ward in the hospital.
-- I don't believe in coincidences. I ask Tygh to pull the curtain back. I call out, "Hi, roomie." Silence. "Hi, roomie." "You talking to me?" "Yes. I couldn't help but overhear you. I just wanted to say that my husband and I adopted our son 2.5 years ago from a birthmom. I just want to tell you that I think you are amazing." The conversation went on for a little bit from there. She was going through Catholic Charities. She hadn't chosen a family yet. Minutes later, the doctor told her they were taking her back to the psych ward. As she left, I told her I'd be thinking of her. Then, as she left, I started praying silently for her. Her name is Stephanie. I pray for protection over her, that baby boy, and the family she will choose.
-- I arrived at our birthing suite. Our nurse, Brenda, was phenomenal. She swung us a HUGE suite. I settled in, thinking I'd have a baby in the morning. It was about 9 p.m. I watched the Bachelorette (Bentley is a jerk!). I'd already eaten, so wasn't hungry. Tygh settled in. My mom and sister arrived. Still not dialated.
-- By morning, I was in pain. The contractions had started, and I'd asked for pain medication (which I never thought I'd do, aside from the epidural). They started pitocin. A few hours later, when I was around 2-3 cm, I got the epidural. But it never really took on the left side, which, as it would turn out, would be the biggest source of stress and pain of all.
-- I was getting hungry. And thirsty. But I was only allowed ice chips and popsicles. Family and friends flowed freely in the room. Contractions were about every 4-5 minutes. For the most part, I was alert until a contraction came. Then, I just would close my eyes, moan softly, and someone would be rubbing my head, my arm, or my lower back.
-- Around 6 p.m., I was only 5-6 cms dialated. I was in a LOT of pain. I hit a wall. I'd been at the hospital for nearly 24 hours, and I was only halfway dialated. Are you kidding me?! I felt emotionally and physically exhausted, drained, and just.done. I was done. Literally. DONE. I cried to the nurse, "Please, just give me a C-section. I can't do this anymore. I can't even think of pushing or going through this for any longer. Just get her out of me, please," I begged. "Honey, you don't want a C-section." "Yes," I pleaded, "I do." Tears were streaming down my face. I was shaking. "Please, I can't go through this anymore. I'm done."
-- After hearing this, the doctor ordered everyone out of the room. She said she wanted me to have time to rest. I felt like no one was listening to me. They were pushing me to have a vaginal birth. I couldn't feel my legs or my toes from the epidural. I'd been in a bed for over 24 hours, had no food or water, and was having strong contractions every 2-3 minutes. And I was only 5-6 cms dialated? "Dear God," I prayed, "Please help me get through this. I feel defeated. I'm worn down. I don't want this anymore."
-- Then, I fell asleep for 4 hours.
-- When I woke up, the "transition phase" started. That's when you go through the 7-9 cms dialation. It was brutal. I was shaking all over and didn't have control over my body. I was sweating, and yet the room was at a cool 60 degrees. I was throwing up, and yet all I'd had in the last 30 hours were ice chips and 2 popsicles. I felt like I could die. Sienna was still sunnyside up, so the nurse put me in a variety of side positions to try and gravitationally turn Sienna around.
-- Around 11 p.m., the nurse checked me again. I was 9 cms dialated. Thank you, Lord! On the one hand, the end seemed in sight and I was relieved. On the other hand, this definitely meant I was not getting a C-section, which meant I had to keep going. I was not done yet.
-- Sienna was SO low (she'd been low the whole pregnancy), the nurse thought that even though I was at 9 cms, and still had to get to 10, if I pushed, I may just get to 10. So, with a little push, I got to 10. The pain on my left side was excruciating. The epidural had never fully taken on that side, and that's the side that Sienna was on. It felt like someone was digging and twisting a long, sharp knife into my lower back. The anesthesiologist came back in to "top off" the epidural, which only further numbed my right side, but offered little relief to my left. If you've ever been completely numb from the waist down, but completely coherent otherwise, it is the most helpless feeling. You cannot even wiggle your toes, try as you might.
-- Around midnight, the nurse wanted me to start pushing. The doctor was at another delivery (not my doctor, but the on-call doctor). I did about 2-3 sets of pushes, and the nurse could see her head. She called for the doctor. Then, we waited. This was the hardest part. Sienna was almost here, and yet I had to wait. And wait. Because of the epidural, there wasn't really much pain, just a lot of pressure.
-- Tygh is very queasy. When I'd gotten my epidural, even though he didn't see any of it (he was in front of me, holding my hand), he nearly went over. So, I knew he wasn't going to make it through the delivery. But, when he'd heard that I was getting ready to push again, he came in, gave me a kiss, and said, "I love you. You can do it." Then, he returned to the waiting room. My mom, my sister, and the nurse remained.
-- The doctor came in and around 12:30, we started pushing again. I did about another 2-3 more sets of pushes, and she was out! In total, I pushed for about 26 minutes. The doctor said that was one of the fastest first-time deliveries she'd ever seen. After 31 hours of "labor", 26 minutes was like lightning. Thank you, God! She was born at 1:11 am. I went into the hospital on Monday. She was born on Wednesday.
-- I didn't know it at the time, but learned just yesterday a very cool side story. My dear friend, Rhonda, who has walked this adoption journey with me, and has adopted a son of her own, sent me an email. Around midnight/1 p.m. on Tuesday/Wednesday, she said she awoke to the sound of 3 knocks on her door. Or, so she thought. She got up, and went to check on her son. He was fine. Then, God brought me to her mind. Rhonda knew I was in labor, but had last received a blog update around 6 p.m. the night before. She didn't know whether I was still in labor or had delivered. She felt God impressing on her to pray for me. She began praying. By the time she finished, it was 1:30. She didn't know it, but Sienna had been born. (Thank you, Rhonda. I still tear up). (We have a very similar story for when Brae was born -- an acquaintance was awoken in the middle of the night and felt impressed upon to pray for our son, who had yet to be born. She did, and he was born the next morning).
-- I thought for sure I'd want music playing during the delivery. I even had my Ipod playlist all ready. Nope. I wanted none of it. And I didn't want to be touched. I wanted it dark, cool, and silent. No one spoke, except for the doctor to count.
-- I saw Sienna come out and it was surreal. This little person has been growing and moving inside of you for all this time, and she's finally here. I can't describe it. I was overcome with emotion, but too exhausted to express any of it. This little life was transferred to me in cell form, and here she had eyes, ears, a mouth, toes. She was a person. She grew inside of me. I still can't wrap my head around it. My sister started to cry. My mom cut the cord.
-- They placed Sienna on my chest. I felt her warmth. Her little heartbeat. To this day, I'm still amazed.
-- As they took Sienna over to get cleaned up, weighed, and measured, the doctor tried to deliver the placenta. But, it wasn't detaching from the wall. After another 30 minutes of increasing the pitocin and still contracting, the doctor finally had to go in and get it. OUCH. Hurt way more than the delivery of Sienna. (Can I just say the placenta is a remarkable-looking organ? But no, I don't want to keep it or freeze it or plant it.) But, the doctor said because of the quick delivery of Sienna, I barely had any tearing. I had "skid marks". She did a few stiches, but said everything should heal just fine.
-- Tygh came back in and held his daughter for the first time. Family and friends slowly began to come in and greet our baby girl. I was still way too exhausted to show any kind of emotion. All I wanted was a Sprite. My dear father-in-law scoured the hospital, and finally came back with two Sprites. I downed them.
-- A few hours later, I was transferred up to the recovery suite. Family, friends, and Tygh went home. As hard as it was, I asked to have Sienna in the respite room so I could get some sleep. I knew I needed sleep for her, and for me. But, after 3 hours, I couldn't take it. I asked for her back, and we slept together.
-- I came home Thursday evening and was so ready to be home. The hardest part of the recovery was actually regaining sensation in my legs. I'm thankful for the quick delivery because it really has made for an equally quick recovery. I'm really not in pain, and the cramps are only mild. The hardest part has been the pain and frustration associated with nursing. Sienna doesn't have the best latch, and despite several sessions with a lactation specialist, I probably will not be able to provide Sienna everything she needs with nursing. That was hard to accept at first, and I had to wrestle with some guilt, but the girl needs to eat. So, I've been doing some nursing just to help with the bonding, but am mostly pumping and bottle feeding.
-- I know most moms say this, but Sienna really is a dream baby. Last night, she slept 5.5 hours straight. She really doesn't fuss, she loves to be held, and she's just so very sweet.
-- Brae has been remarkable. He was at his grandparents for 2 days while I was in the hospital, and as much as he loves them, I know it was hard and confusing for him. He went to school a couple days last week, and the teachers said he wasn't eating or sleeping well, and seemed teary-eyed. ; (
-- Tygh and I have made special attempts to spend time with just him alone. We had a good weekend. Brae hasn't shown any sings of aggression toward Sienna. He's actually been a good helper (bringing me a bottle for her, turning on her vibrating chair, wanting to make sure she has a slice of pizza too, etc.). But he definitely has shown jealous tendencies -- wanting to be held when we're holding her, demanding more of our attention, etc. This morning, when I dropped him off at school, he threw a tantrum and didn't want me to leave. Broke my heart. I know he's going through just as much of a transition as the rest of us. I don't want him to feel replaced. He's not. He will always be the child that made us parents. He will always be the child that filled such a longing in us.
-- So, such has begun my summertime maternity leave. And it's raining oustide. But inside, next to me, in her little butterfly vibrating chair, pursing her rosebud lips, lays my daughter. My "promise from God." My Sienna.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Sienna Pamela Leigh -- she's here!
Born Wed, June 8, 1:11 am. 6 lbs 15 oz. 21 inches.
Exhausted, but in love. Will write more later!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
10 years and 31 hours later
Sienna arrived last night around 1:30 am. Mom, dad and baby are doing great :) No c-section was needed.
I'll let Britney take it from here to give you the full story once she's rested and back home.
I love you Sienna and can't wait to meet you!!
- Aunt Kiki
I'll let Britney take it from here to give you the full story once she's rested and back home.
I love you Sienna and can't wait to meet you!!
- Aunt Kiki
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Noon
Britney is awake from a nap. She's at 3cm dilated, 80% effaced and 0 position. Contractions are 3-5 minutes apart.
Sienna is taking her sweet time and enjoying this experience.
Sienna is taking her sweet time and enjoying this experience.
11:00 AM
Update from Tygh:
Things are moving slowly. She's at 2cm dilated. Epidural and pitocin were administered about 2 hours ago. Doctor says things wont get going until later this evening.
Kelly's 2 cents:
Dr. also said that she wasn't progressing yesterday.... just a few hours before her water broke.
Come on SIENNA!!!
Things are moving slowly. She's at 2cm dilated. Epidural and pitocin were administered about 2 hours ago. Doctor says things wont get going until later this evening.
Kelly's 2 cents:
Dr. also said that she wasn't progressing yesterday.... just a few hours before her water broke.
Come on SIENNA!!!
Morning Update
Britney made it through the night: No baby yet
She is dilated 1 cm. On drugs for pain. Still feels contractions but at least they are bearable now. She can't get the epidural until 3-4 cm.
She says, "This hurts a lot more than I anticipated. Tygh is sleeping in the room. I haven't slept but have rested and had a cherry Popsicle."
Stay tuned!!
- Kelly
She is dilated 1 cm. On drugs for pain. Still feels contractions but at least they are bearable now. She can't get the epidural until 3-4 cm.
She says, "This hurts a lot more than I anticipated. Tygh is sleeping in the room. I haven't slept but have rested and had a cherry Popsicle."
Stay tuned!!
- Kelly
Monday, June 6, 2011
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIENNA!!
(This is Kelly, Britney's sister-in-law)....
5% of women actually go into labor ON their due date. Britney has always been an over-achiever.
Yes, Tygh and Britney are at the hospital RIGHT NOW!! Her water broke during dinner right around 6:30 this evening. They loaded up and headed straight to the hospital. Sienna will be making her grand entrance within 24 hours!!! Please be praying for a safe and healthy delivery for both Britney and Sienna. Also, please be praying for my brother. As Britney has shared, he has a weak stomach and easily passes out when it comes to... well, you know... blood and guts...
Tygh and Britney have also requested prayer for a young woman named Stephanie. She was next to them tonight in the hospital. Here is the text from my brother:
"The girl next to us is by herself, in labor, and is considering adoption. No boyfriend, parents are not supportive. Pray for her."
Turns out it was false labor and she was sent home. But please keep her in your prayers.
Thanks everyone!!
5% of women actually go into labor ON their due date. Britney has always been an over-achiever.
Yes, Tygh and Britney are at the hospital RIGHT NOW!! Her water broke during dinner right around 6:30 this evening. They loaded up and headed straight to the hospital. Sienna will be making her grand entrance within 24 hours!!! Please be praying for a safe and healthy delivery for both Britney and Sienna. Also, please be praying for my brother. As Britney has shared, he has a weak stomach and easily passes out when it comes to... well, you know... blood and guts...
Tygh and Britney have also requested prayer for a young woman named Stephanie. She was next to them tonight in the hospital. Here is the text from my brother:
"The girl next to us is by herself, in labor, and is considering adoption. No boyfriend, parents are not supportive. Pray for her."
Turns out it was false labor and she was sent home. But please keep her in your prayers.
Thanks everyone!!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
39 Weeks, 2 Days: Groundhog Day
Have you ever seen that movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? You know, the one where he wakes up and every day is the same? No matter what he does, he can't escape Groundhog Day?
That is kind of like how my ob appointments have become. No change.
I had my 39 week appointment today. No change. I've been at the same station, effacement, dialation (lack thereof) for about a month now. I've even regressed and am back to a "fingertip" dialated. My doctor even asked me if I've ever had anything done to my cervix, like had it frozen. (Excuse me?)
But, we have a plan. We are going to escape Groundhog Day. Monday is my due date. If I'm still in Groundhog Day, he'll induce on the 13th. If I've moved a little (dialated), he'll induce on the 8th.
Either way, Sienna is going to be here by at least the 14th! (Which is my mom's birthday, and Flag Day! It would be neat to have Brae and Sienna each be born on a holiday!)
That is kind of like how my ob appointments have become. No change.
I had my 39 week appointment today. No change. I've been at the same station, effacement, dialation (lack thereof) for about a month now. I've even regressed and am back to a "fingertip" dialated. My doctor even asked me if I've ever had anything done to my cervix, like had it frozen. (Excuse me?)
But, we have a plan. We are going to escape Groundhog Day. Monday is my due date. If I'm still in Groundhog Day, he'll induce on the 13th. If I've moved a little (dialated), he'll induce on the 8th.
Either way, Sienna is going to be here by at least the 14th! (Which is my mom's birthday, and Flag Day! It would be neat to have Brae and Sienna each be born on a holiday!)
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