Poison Control, Playmates, and Physical Therapy

Britney Update:

-- I got my first postpartum period. It was a little surprising because I am still nursing (albeit not exclusively). What was perhaps more surprising were those same old familiar "infertility" feelings that also came along. Once you've experienced infertility, it never leaves you.

Brae Update:

-- We had to call Poison Control on my son. Over vacation, Brae decided to get into his grandpa's thyroid medication. We found an empty bottle. When we asked him where they went, he said he put them "down a hole." He then took our hands and led us to a small hole in the windowsill. We were able to recover a few of them, but weren't convinced he didn't take any. So, after calling our pediatrician, I made my first call to Poison Control. "Not toxic," they said. "But, watch him over the next few days. He may be hyperactive and sweaty." (Is that any different than normal? I thought). Sure enough, about two days later, Brae was waking up in the middle of the night in sweats. He wouldn't settle down. He definitely, somehow, ingested some of that medication. Thankfully, he's better now.

-- Also on vacation, Brae broke out in a rash from head to toe. Brae was not sleeping at night (see bullet above), so my lovely sis-in-law and ma-in-law took Brae to the pool one afternoon so I could try to sleep. As any good caretaker would, they put some sunscreen on him. However, Brae has EXTREMELY sensitive skin, and I've only found one sunscreen that he doesn't react to. Sure enough, Brae reacted to this new sunscreen by breaking out in a head-to-toe rash. His little cheeks swelled up and it looked like he had two bright red apples on each cheek. Again, thankfully, he's better now.

-- I took Brae to the park the other day. It was very hot, and he was the only kid on the playground. He played for about 15 minutes before two older boys (around age 10) arrived. The boys bypassed Brae to play on "older kid" equipment. No eye contact from either Brae or the boys. Not a word spoken amongst them. For another 10 minutes, Brae played on the opposite end of the playground, by himself, and the older boys played on the other end, near the park exit, by themselves. About 5 minutes later, Brae and I decided it was too hot and it was time to go home. Brae strolled up to his bike (with training wheels), hopped on, and started riding toward the park exit. The older boys were still playing by themselves, completely oblivious to Brae. Right before Brae turned the corner to leave the park on his bike, he looked up at the boys, smiled and yelled, "Bye, friends!", and pedaled away.

Sienna Update:

-- Sienna loves her big brother. She smiles whenever she sees him coming. And then she braces for impact.

-- We've gone to two physical therapy appointments, and I've cried at each one. It's so hard to see her wince and cry during the sessions. That said, I believe there has been improvement. She's lifting her head up and turning it when she's on her tummy, and her range of motion has increased. But she's still got a ways to go. The PT recommended trying the Bumbo to help increase her neck muscles. However, she advised against EVER using the exercauser, jumparoo, or walker with Sienna because it could delay physical development (sucks because I have 3 brand new ones). Instead, if we need a "babysitter" (her word), we should use a high chair, blanket on the floor, or playpen.

.... I've been feeling lately that my daughter is misunderstood. Yes, the first 6-8 weeks were hard. She was definitely fussy (PT thinks it was reflux, but no meds will be prescribed because she "obviously" does not have a weight problem -- (was that a jab at me?)). But things have gotten better. She's on a schedule that works for her, and as long as we stick to it, she's a very happy, pleasant child. No, she doesn't have the same sunny, happy-with-whatever personality that Brae has, but she's her own person.

But I feel that people think she's just this cranky baby. Case in point, at the PT session today, they handed me the following literature to take home: "Your hyper-sensitive baby and her developing sensory system." The PT gave this to me as I was crying and she rubbed my back, telling me it's been a hard road from infertility to a "cranky" baby. This was also handed to me after a veiled lecture about how I'm not breastfeeding often enough.

Feeling a little defeated at the moment. And cranky.

I love my baby girl.

A vacation in pictures.

Sienna's 2 Month Checkup

Stats from Sienna's Two Month Checkup:

-- Girl is not starving. She weighs 12 lbs, 10 oz. That is the 80th percentile, people. She has doubled her birth weight. She's a full pound and a half more than Brae was at this age.

-- She's also a smart cookie. Her head is in the 80th percentile. Brae's was in the 90th.

-- Thankfully, her height is at least keeping up a little. She's in the 50th percentile for height. Brae was a full inch and a half longer than she at this same age.

-- In a nutshell, I've got two kiddos with large noggins. One is long and skinny. The other is short and stout. I love them both equally.

-- Sienna was diagnosed with torticollis (occurs in about 1:250 kids). Basically, that's a fancy name for a stiff neck. Or, as my husband says, "She tends to list to the port." Meaning, her range of motion on one side of her neck is limited, and she sort of tilts her head to the side. It likely happened with being kinked in the womb. Our pediatrician recommended physical therapy, which we have gone to our first appointment. The treatment regime involves lots of stretching and a TON of tummy time. Sienna despises both. However, I must admit, after 5 days of treatment now, we think we are seeing improvement. On her tummy, she is able to lift her neck up and turn it from side to side. With the stretching, she seems to be waiting longer and longer before she starts crying. The torticollis has also caused her to have a flat side on the back of her head because of the way in which she likes to lie down, so I'm going to ask the therapist about a helmet that will allow her skull to continue to grow without restriction or irregularity. I'm so thankful we did an open adoption because I've been able to talk to our Ohio couple and discovered Sienna's genetic sibling also had torticollis! Needless to say, lots of very helpful emails have been exchanged about what we can expect, treatment plans, etc. The best part is that Sienna's genetic counterpart has grown into a beautiful little girl with no remnants of the effects of torticollis. ; )

Brae updates:

-- He's gotten sneaky. Yesterday, he was going through my purse and taking out all of the gum. I asked him to put them back. He nodded and disappeared, I assumed to go put the gum back in my purse. He emerged a few minutes later with a sly look on his face, and he had one hand behind his back. He tried to sidestep me, averting eye contact, and go into the living room. I asked, "Brae, what do you have in your hand?" "Nothing," he said, as he kept walking. "Let me see your hand." He stopped, turned, and slowly pulled his hand out from behind his back and opened his fist to reveal a handful of smashed gum pieces. It was the first time I realized that my son was capable of deceiving me.

-- He called 911. I didn't know it until my phone started ringing and I didn't recognize the number. I answered. "Yes, this is the 911 Emergency Department. You called. What is your emergency?" "Huh? Oh... no.... my son must have found my phone and dialed 911. I didn't know he even knew how to do that. I'm so sorry." I must admit, I was slightly impressed and was feeling pretty full of myself as a parent that my son knew how to dial 911. That's when the operator informed me that cell phones automatically call 911 when the keys are smashed together. Figures.

Pee. Poop. And Parenting.

Updates from our humble little corner of the world...

-- You know you have officially "arrived" into motherhood when you hear your name ... your first and last name being called repeatedly over the intercom at a major chain grocery store ... "Attention, Fred Meyer shoppers... will Britney Colton please come to the Playland. Your son has urinated in the Playland. Britney. Colton. Come. Now."

-- Brae has bonded with his bowel movements. He loves sticking his hands down his pants and playing with his, umm, creations. Lately, he's even taken up talking to them. I changed a poopy diaper the other day and Brae insisted on commenting on its departure to the diaper pail with a "Buh-bye, poop! See you later!"

-- Brae seems to have regressed a little with the arrival of his sister. Potty training has taken a back seat (not that it was ever really in the front seat, anyway), and has also started waking up in the middle of the night. The other day, he wanted his diaper changed in the crib along with his sister. I'm kind of a pushover, so I let him. As I was changing them both (now that I'm writing this, I'm realizing how silly I was for even allowing him to do this), he looks over at Sienna and says "Uh-oh, Mommy. Sienna has an owie." I looked at where he was pointing. It was her nipple.

-- Brae understands that Norm is dead. When I ask him where Norm has gone, he says, "Norm's at church." That confused me for a while. Then I realized that we had told Brae that Norm went to be with Jesus. And, every Sunday, Brae knows that Jesus is at church. This was a good opportunity to tell Brae that Jesus is actually everywhere, and He lives in our heart. This made Brae smile, big. Because now he also believes that Norm is in his heart, too.

-- Brae is starting to understand that he's adopted. Well, kind of. He's starting to understand that "adopted" and "Brae" go together. Lately, he's become accustomed to saying, "I'm adopted. I'm SPECIAL," with a huge grin on his face. I hope he always feels that way.

-- I love how no one person that crosses our path is accidental. I very much believe in divine appointments. On vacation a couple weeks ago, I was at the pool. I saw a Caucasian couple with an African-American toddler boy. Sure, this could have been a biological child (hey, you never know), but I thought it was safe to go up to ask them about their adoption journey. They were very engaging and it ended up being an awesome, divine appointment conversation. We found out they are Christian and we exchanged adoption stories, all the while our boys and Brae's cousin (also adopted) splashed in the pool together. It was such a beautiful picture -- an African-American boy, a quarter Peruvian boy (Brae), and a half Hispanic boy (Brae's cousin) just enjoying a warm summer day. Little do they know the very special bond they each share, and how many sleepless nights, wet pillows, and pleading prayers were spent on their behalves.

-- I cannot let a post go by without mentioning my lovely daughter, the diva. I preface all of this by saying I love her very, very much. But the girl is a piece of work! I need go no farther than describing her sleep style. She's swaddled. Double swaddled. She's in a vibrating chair. The vibrating chair needs to be already vibrating before she goes in, not after. She wants to be fanned. And not with an oscillating fan, but a fan directly on her. She wants the sound of my womb (that sounds silly) playing in the background, and it is, on the sound machine. And she wants to be rocked with a binky held in her mouth (it's too much work for her to suck it in herself), and then gently placed in the chair.

I know. Ridiculous. And I've completely enabled it. Well, no more. I've put my foot down. Stomp.

With Brae, I never read any parenting books (well, I read the "Happiest baby on the block" and determined at Chapter 3 that my son already was, so I stopped reading). Brae was just cool with whatever we tried. He was very adaptable.

Sienna is different. So, after much resistance and gnashing of teeth, I gave in and read "Babywise".

I'm a changed woman. Meaning, since I've implemented the methods in Babywise, Sienna has given me a gift: 9.5 hours of straight sleep at night!

My initial hesitation to Babywise was simple -- I'm set in my ways when it comes to parenting. Or, at least I like to think I am. I've raised a perfectly healthy and happy 2.5 year old boy, and I did it without any parenting book. And, probably the bigger reason, I simply do not have (want to make) the time to read a parenting book.

But, I've been tired of living like a zombie, and I needed my sleep. (Thank you, Kelly).

So, right now, thanks to Babywise, Sienna is in her crib (well, she's in her vibrating chair, which is IN her crib -- hey, no judgment, it's baby steps, people).

Death. And Vacation.

-- We had to put our beloved Golden Retriever (12 years old), Norm, down last week. He had a tumor in his nose that was spreading into his eye. He was having difficulty breathing. His last stool had blood in it. The vet said we were doing the right thing, and it wasn't too soon. She said he would have held on as long as he could, for us, but that it was time. When it was time, I couldn't go. Tygh went. Instead, I sobbed as we loaded Norm into the car one last time. And I've been crying ever since. And my dear husband, whom I've seen cry 3 times in nearly 8 years, cried. I miss Norm so much. The house seems so much lonelier. And our other beloved dog, Lilith (5 years), has been completely out of sorts ever since (lots of whimpering, and chewing up our walls). I know others may not agree with this as theologically sound, but I believe that Norm is in heaven. In my heaven, anyway. In my quiet time yesterday, I felt very strongly Jesus say to me, "Norm is with me. You will see him again. He's running in the fields." Thank you, Lord.

-- And then, we went on vacation. It actually helped to just leave the house for a week while we grieved. But, as expected, the silence was deafening when we came home. No Norm running out from the garage, barking. No dog hair all over the floor, the couches. No poop to pick up. And, since my sister had taken Lilith for the week, no pet to love on. Just humans in our house. It doesn't seem right.

But... since there is never a dull moment in our family, below is the bullet points of a fun-filled (albeit bittersweet) week...

-- It started off spectacularly, with a visit to the ER. That's right. The night before we left for vacation, Brae woke up in the middle of the night with a fever. So, we got some chocolate milk (don't worry - I gave him some real medicine, too), and he and I went downstairs, cuddled under some blankets, and watched 2 hours of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (the theme song still rings in my ears). Then, the next morning, I asked him, "Brae, do you remember being sick last night?" He paused. Then, he smiled. "Yes! Yo quiero do it again (I want to do it again!)". Sigh.

-- So, back to the ER part of the story. After Brae had the fever for 48 hours, Sienna got sick. And then Brae started puking. So, I took Sienna to the ER (while on vacation), and Tygh stayed home while Brae spent the entire day throwing up. Thankfully, both are now better.

-- Brae put a bottle of Vicks Vapo-Rub in his hair. (side note -- that stuff works better than any hair gel I've ever seen).

-- Brae insisted on making his own sandwiches. Peanut butter and jelly. And ketchup. (he ate the whole thing. Twice).

-- My sister-in-law and I took Brae and his cousin for a bike ride. The boys rode in the chariot that my sis pulled. Up hills. With Brae shouting from the comfort of his seat, "Go faster! Pedal. Your. Feet!"

-- Brae has OCD. He insists on touching things and not letting go until he counts to ten. And then he'll let go. Sadly, I think I inadvertently taught him this.

-- I have these little figurines in our house. They are on a table in the hallway. I like them to face a certain way. Brae likes them to face the other way. In the morning, they face north. At some point during the day, without me seeing, Brae turns them to face south. And then I turn them back. It's this little dance we do. We've never talked about it.

-- This evening, Brae saw me watering the flowers. He asked if he could help. I nodded, and handed him the watering can. I wanted him to feel independent, so I went inside to do other chores while he watered the flowers. A few minutes later, he came in with a huge grin and an empty can. I went outside. He did a great job. Watering all our rocks.

-- I've been teaching Brae to pray at night. We fold our hands, and I say a simple little prayer out loud for the both of us. The other night, I asked Brae to pray. As usual, we folded our hands and closed our eyes. I sat silently waiting for Brae to start praying. After about 30 seconds, Brae bursts out, "Amen!". Apparently, the boy likes to pray just in his head.

The week in pictures.

Update and a Note on Timing.

Brae Update:

That boy's language skills have just skyrocketed over the last several weeks. He's using prepositions and complete sentences, and is learning and using new words each day, literally. He's also recently catching on to his favorite phrases, which he then applies to everything. For instance, he's learned "it's too scary." He learned it when we took him on the roller coaster ride at the local amusement park. The first time around the roller coaster, he was stunned. The second time around the roller coaster, I became one of those parents who force their screaming kids to go on amusement rides. In that moment, he learned the phrase, "it's too scary."

Well, now he applies it to everything. For example, yesterday morning he insisted on NOT having his hot cocoa in the purple cup with butterflies on it. Why? You guessed it. "It's too scary."

Sienna Update:

The girl LOVES her baths. She can be screaming bloody murder right before I put her in, but the second she melts into the sudsy water, she is in pure heaven. If there wasn't that whole silly thing about drowning, I'd just leave her there for hours.

She's recently discovered her hands. They go in her mouth. This is a blessing because she does not like binkys.

She's starting to smile, and can actually roll over from her stomach to her back already.

We're still dealing with evening crying spells, which we're trying to combat by just putting her to bed early. Sometimes, that can be an hour long plus process.

Tygh/Britney Update and a Note on Timing:

We were recently interviewed by Biola University for a study they are doing with NEDC about our experience. The interviewer actually flew up from California and then drove down from Seattle just to interview us. She mostly just wanted to hear about our journey to Sienna from start to finish. It was so surreal to re-live the process from the beginning and it made me realize just how far we've come, and the story that God wove together for Sienna.

It also caused me to think about two very interesting timing "coincidences" God weaved in. When we think back on Sienna's life (from conception), God has put together quite a masterpiece intertwining all of her time spent waiting in limbo, just waiting to be born, with all of our time waiting to get her. But it also recently dawned on me two very interesting dates that are just too coincidental to be accidental:

-- September 18, 2010: date of our transfer
-- September 18, 2011: last date of our maternity leave (coming full circle)

... and

-- June 6, 2010: first appointment with NEDC in Tennessee
-- June 6, 2011: my due date
-- June 6, 2011: date my water broke

Isn't that cool? It's also cool to think that just 6 weeks after I gave birth, Sienna is already 6 weeks old. Oh. Wait. I guess that's not so coincidental.

Life with a One Month Old (and a toddler)

Brae update:

-- Brae walks up to me the other day, completely out of the blue, looks me square in the eyes, points his finger in my face, and says very sternly, "Mom, don't HIT me!".... that boy is going to get me in trouble one of these days.

-- The other day, Brae hands me his wet diaper and declares, "Mom, I want to go potty." We go upstairs to his little potty where he stands over it for several minutes, flexing his little bum muscles. Finally, he proclaims, "Mom, it's too hard." Then, he reaches down, and picks up the little potty and plants it squarely over/in front of his privates. I'd love to know the thought process that went behind that one.... "Hmm.. maybe if I bring the potty to ME, the pee will come..."

Sienna update:

-- My father-in-law told me that he had a conversation with a friend about the journey Sienna took to come to us. He was telling him the whole story and at the end, asked his friend: "How do you think Sienna will process this when she is older? What would you think if you were Sienna?" And the friend said without hesitation, "I thought about that very same question as you were telling the story. The first thing that came to my mind is that I would be so grateful. So grateful someone went to that much trouble to save me." I LOVE that.

-- Sienna is a porker. And I say that with the utmost affection. But, I'm often finding dried, curdled milk in her neck folds. That does NOT smell good. And... umm... I'm having a hard time distinguishing her feminine parts from her thighs. It's all just rolls down there! And, as my dear friend stated, "I hope no one ever thinks that about me!" Ha ha. (Only behind your back, Lauren). xoxo

-- Sienna is definitely a more challenging infant than Brae was, and yet, I think that she's probably perfectly "normal". I'm realizing we were probably just very lucky with Brae. But, I fall more and more in love with my daughter (it's so weird to say that word!) every day. I love you, baby girl.

Britney update:

-- I've had a relatively easy and quick recovery (can I get an AMEN to that?). That's what just 6 pushes yields (after 31 hours of torture). I did my first run/walk at 11 days P.S. (post-Sienna). And I've slowly been building up to a full run, for about 30 minutes at a time. It is heaven to return to one of my favorite pastimes -- summer evening runs. And, my fabu brother-in-law made me a terrific 80s playlist that I cannot wait to rock out to. I ask you, is there anything better than running to Starship?

I think not.

Adoption and Attachment.

As I mentioned in my last blog, we went to an adoption/attachment seminar the other day put on by our church. It was presented by a doctor who is an expert in the field. The seminar was very informative, but I felt geared more toward those who have adopted older children or internationally. I'm sure all types of adoptions (even biological relationships for that matter) have some sort of attachment issues/attachment breaks, but I felt the attachment disorders we learned about more readily apply to older children and international adoptees.

That said, we learned a lot, and I'd like to pass along some interesting tidbits:

1. In the first year of life, a baby has no wants. The baby only has needs. If those needs are not immediately met (wet diaper, fed, tired), the child has a break in basic trust. If that basic trus is continually not met, the child begins to have an attachment break. (Again, this applies to bio/genetic children as well).

2. Beginning at about 4 months gestation, the baby desires and longs to look into her mother's eyes, and smell her skin. For children who are adopted domestically or internationally, if they don't experience those two things after birth, their body records an attachment break. Their mind may not recognize it, but their body keeps score. (I have trouble with this one, because I don't like to think my son's body is suffering from the fact he didn't look into his bio mom's eyes, or smell her skin). As the doctor said, "Even when victims forget, their bodies keep score."

3. There are 27 criteria in determining whether an infant has appropriately attached to her parents or not. A sampling: a) resists comforting or nurturance; b) poor eye contact; c) exceedingly demanding; d) stiffens or becomes rigid when held; and e) when held chest to chest, faces away.

4. There is another list for children under the age of 5. Tygh and I filled it out for Brae. Of the 30 criteria, we listed 23 as him exhibiting none of the behaviors. We listed 7 as him exhibiting "moderately." They included: a) angry or rageful when cries; b) exceedingly demanding; c) likes to be in control; d) cries or rages when held beyond his wishes; e) prefers Dad to Mom; f) get in and out of parents lap frequently; g) feeding problems.

5. In reference to the above, I have to ask myself -- do any of those behaviors seem abnormal for a 2.5-year-old boy? Don't most 2.5-year-old boys have temper tantrums? Demand things? Want to be in control? Don't want to be held when throwing a temper tantrum? Prefer Daddy (as a boy)? Are antsy? Want to eat only what they want to eat? .... This was the heart of my confusion with the seminar -- how do I know if what I see in my son is normal behavior vs. an attachment disorder?

Toward the end of the seminar, I had a mixture of emotions. Was my son's body suffering on a daily basis because he never looked into his bio mom's eyes? Did he have some kind of attachment disorder and I'm being naive? Is my son forever "ruined" because he had an attachment break at infancy?

As gloomy as some of the presentation was, in the back of the material, I learned that only 3-6% of the overall population actually have an attachment disorder. What we were listening to was the MINORITY and WORST cases.

Yes, it was good to have the information and general knowledge. Yes, I know that Brae will have to deal with certain feelings associated with being adopted. Yes, Sienna may have similar feelings as well. Tygh and I feel prepared and are open, ready, and willing to discuss their adoption stories with them at the appropriate times.

But, no, I don't think that either of my children are any more broken than so many of us who grew up with our biological/genetic parents. As the product of divorce, I'm sure I myself fall into some classification of an attachment break. I know that I can't "love away" an attachment break, but I refuse (perhaps naively) to believe that my son is wounded by the break from his biological family. Nothing at ALL against his bio family (when you adopt a child, you adopt the extended family as well), but blood does not make family.

Musings of the sleep deprived.

-- There is such a thing as the infant phantom cry. I listen to it for hours each night until it becomes a reality. Then I stumble and trip to the source.

-- I miss taking showers at normal hours. I miss checking emails during the daytime.

-- Tygh tells Sienna boys only want one thing -- to get in her diaper.

-- I want my own vibrating chair. And my own sleep sack.

-- I wonder what breastmilk tastes like. No, I'm not going to try it. But I wonder.

-- Breast pumps were made by men. Wanting to experiment in torture techniques. Torture techniques of cows.

-- At what point does it become bad form to step out into public wearing the same clothes? 2 days? 3 days? A week?

-- I want to paint Sienna's toenails. Don't worry. I'm resisting the urge.

-- I wish I had memories from when I was 2.5 weeks old. But for Sienna's sake, I'm glad she doesn't.

-- We went to a seminar on adoption and attachment the other night. I'm still processing my feelings about it, but will write on it soon.

-- Tygh came home the other day to find me sitting outside feeding Sienna, and Brae running around the driveway in a shirt -- just a shirt. No pants, no diaper, no socks, no shoes, just a shirt. His wet diaper was strewn next to the garage. His pants were nowhere in sight. And he was playing basketball (of course). Tygh walked up to me with a smile and said, "Darling, have you just given up?" Yes, yes I have.

Wow. A rare, raw insight into the mind of our donor.

A beautifully honest blog posting from our donor.

http://nedcwithchild.wordpress.com

Pictures

Musings from a 12-day-old

** I have been following each of your blogs, but for some reason, am having difficulty leaving comments. Anyone else having issues?**

From Sienna:

-- I LOVE to be held. I cannot reiterate that enough. I can be fed, changed, and completely exhausted, but if I'm not in your arms, I throw a fit. Daddy says I'm high maintenance and if we don't get this need to be constantly held under control, a whole host of issues can occur -- teenage insecurity/rebellion, followed by lots of tats and piercings, followed by me marrying some guy named Vinny at a midnight ceremony in Vegas.

-- I don't much care for my crib. It's hard and uncomfortable. I prefer to sleep (only after being held) in my vibrating chair.

-- I don't think I've worn anything other than pink since I was born.

-- Mommy puts these gawdy huge bows on my head. They get in my eyes.

-- I poop with every single feeding. And it stinks.

-- Nursing is going better, although I still recognize that milk just comes faster from a bottle than from Mommy. Sorry, Ma.

-- I love my big brother. He's always watching out for me. He gives a play-by-play to Daddy in the car. "Daddy, uh-oh, Sienna lost her binky." "Daddy, uh-oh, Sienna's crying." "Daddy, uh-oh, Sienna's missing." (That last one had Mommy in a tizzy).

Sienna's birth story.

So here it goes, before I forget it all!

-- A week ago today, I went in for my 40 week "due date" appointment. I was still not dialated, still 80% effaced, and she was still about station -1. The doctor said that it was unlikely I was going to dialate on my own if I hadn't already, so we scheduled an induction for the 14th (tomorrow). The dr. said that unless my water broke, I wasn't going into labor on my own.

-- Tygh and I left that appointment at 4:30. Two hours later, as I'm squatting down at Brae's bookshelf to pick out some bedtime stories, I feel a "gush". I paused. No, it can't be, I tell myself. Then I go to the bathroom, and sure enough, there was no doubt. Just trust me, there was no doubt.

-- I go downstairs, numb, to Tygh. He and Brae are watching TV. I say, "Um, I think my water just broke." Now, keep in mind, we had a false alarm about 2 weeks ago, so he's a little skeptical. Then, he looks at the floor. He looks at me. He sees what has puddled on the floor. Then, very calmly, he says, "okay, well, let's get our stuff."

-- As I'm running around the house trying to gather things and call people, my heart is just racing. Two hours earlier I thought I had another week to go.

-- Tygh's mom arrives to pick up Brae. As she's holding him, I kiss him and say, "Brae, we're going to get Baby Sienna now." His eyes widen. He nods his head. I know he has no idea what is going on, but he doesn't let it show.

-- We arrive to the hospital and are put in triage. They confirmed my water had broken. But still not dialated. Behind the curtain next to me, I overhear a sweet young woman just brokenhearted. She's alone. She's having false labor pains. She is talking to her nurse saying she is choosing adoption for her baby. She has no way to support him. She says she loves him, but she knows she just cannot provide for him. She lives on the psych ward in the hospital.

-- I don't believe in coincidences. I ask Tygh to pull the curtain back. I call out, "Hi, roomie." Silence. "Hi, roomie." "You talking to me?" "Yes. I couldn't help but overhear you. I just wanted to say that my husband and I adopted our son 2.5 years ago from a birthmom. I just want to tell you that I think you are amazing." The conversation went on for a little bit from there. She was going through Catholic Charities. She hadn't chosen a family yet. Minutes later, the doctor told her they were taking her back to the psych ward. As she left, I told her I'd be thinking of her. Then, as she left, I started praying silently for her. Her name is Stephanie. I pray for protection over her, that baby boy, and the family she will choose.

-- I arrived at our birthing suite. Our nurse, Brenda, was phenomenal. She swung us a HUGE suite. I settled in, thinking I'd have a baby in the morning. It was about 9 p.m. I watched the Bachelorette (Bentley is a jerk!). I'd already eaten, so wasn't hungry. Tygh settled in. My mom and sister arrived. Still not dialated.

-- By morning, I was in pain. The contractions had started, and I'd asked for pain medication (which I never thought I'd do, aside from the epidural). They started pitocin. A few hours later, when I was around 2-3 cm, I got the epidural. But it never really took on the left side, which, as it would turn out, would be the biggest source of stress and pain of all.

-- I was getting hungry. And thirsty. But I was only allowed ice chips and popsicles. Family and friends flowed freely in the room. Contractions were about every 4-5 minutes. For the most part, I was alert until a contraction came. Then, I just would close my eyes, moan softly, and someone would be rubbing my head, my arm, or my lower back.

-- Around 6 p.m., I was only 5-6 cms dialated. I was in a LOT of pain. I hit a wall. I'd been at the hospital for nearly 24 hours, and I was only halfway dialated. Are you kidding me?! I felt emotionally and physically exhausted, drained, and just.done. I was done. Literally. DONE. I cried to the nurse, "Please, just give me a C-section. I can't do this anymore. I can't even think of pushing or going through this for any longer. Just get her out of me, please," I begged. "Honey, you don't want a C-section." "Yes," I pleaded, "I do." Tears were streaming down my face. I was shaking. "Please, I can't go through this anymore. I'm done."

-- After hearing this, the doctor ordered everyone out of the room. She said she wanted me to have time to rest. I felt like no one was listening to me. They were pushing me to have a vaginal birth. I couldn't feel my legs or my toes from the epidural. I'd been in a bed for over 24 hours, had no food or water, and was having strong contractions every 2-3 minutes. And I was only 5-6 cms dialated? "Dear God," I prayed, "Please help me get through this. I feel defeated. I'm worn down. I don't want this anymore."

-- Then, I fell asleep for 4 hours.

-- When I woke up, the "transition phase" started. That's when you go through the 7-9 cms dialation. It was brutal. I was shaking all over and didn't have control over my body. I was sweating, and yet the room was at a cool 60 degrees. I was throwing up, and yet all I'd had in the last 30 hours were ice chips and 2 popsicles. I felt like I could die. Sienna was still sunnyside up, so the nurse put me in a variety of side positions to try and gravitationally turn Sienna around.

-- Around 11 p.m., the nurse checked me again. I was 9 cms dialated. Thank you, Lord! On the one hand, the end seemed in sight and I was relieved. On the other hand, this definitely meant I was not getting a C-section, which meant I had to keep going. I was not done yet.

-- Sienna was SO low (she'd been low the whole pregnancy), the nurse thought that even though I was at 9 cms, and still had to get to 10, if I pushed, I may just get to 10. So, with a little push, I got to 10. The pain on my left side was excruciating. The epidural had never fully taken on that side, and that's the side that Sienna was on. It felt like someone was digging and twisting a long, sharp knife into my lower back. The anesthesiologist came back in to "top off" the epidural, which only further numbed my right side, but offered little relief to my left. If you've ever been completely numb from the waist down, but completely coherent otherwise, it is the most helpless feeling. You cannot even wiggle your toes, try as you might.

-- Around midnight, the nurse wanted me to start pushing. The doctor was at another delivery (not my doctor, but the on-call doctor). I did about 2-3 sets of pushes, and the nurse could see her head. She called for the doctor. Then, we waited. This was the hardest part. Sienna was almost here, and yet I had to wait. And wait. Because of the epidural, there wasn't really much pain, just a lot of pressure.

-- Tygh is very queasy. When I'd gotten my epidural, even though he didn't see any of it (he was in front of me, holding my hand), he nearly went over. So, I knew he wasn't going to make it through the delivery. But, when he'd heard that I was getting ready to push again, he came in, gave me a kiss, and said, "I love you. You can do it." Then, he returned to the waiting room. My mom, my sister, and the nurse remained.

-- The doctor came in and around 12:30, we started pushing again. I did about another 2-3 more sets of pushes, and she was out! In total, I pushed for about 26 minutes. The doctor said that was one of the fastest first-time deliveries she'd ever seen. After 31 hours of "labor", 26 minutes was like lightning. Thank you, God! She was born at 1:11 am. I went into the hospital on Monday. She was born on Wednesday.

-- I didn't know it at the time, but learned just yesterday a very cool side story. My dear friend, Rhonda, who has walked this adoption journey with me, and has adopted a son of her own, sent me an email. Around midnight/1 p.m. on Tuesday/Wednesday, she said she awoke to the sound of 3 knocks on her door. Or, so she thought. She got up, and went to check on her son. He was fine. Then, God brought me to her mind. Rhonda knew I was in labor, but had last received a blog update around 6 p.m. the night before. She didn't know whether I was still in labor or had delivered. She felt God impressing on her to pray for me. She began praying. By the time she finished, it was 1:30. She didn't know it, but Sienna had been born. (Thank you, Rhonda. I still tear up). (We have a very similar story for when Brae was born -- an acquaintance was awoken in the middle of the night and felt impressed upon to pray for our son, who had yet to be born. She did, and he was born the next morning).

-- I thought for sure I'd want music playing during the delivery. I even had my Ipod playlist all ready. Nope. I wanted none of it. And I didn't want to be touched. I wanted it dark, cool, and silent. No one spoke, except for the doctor to count.

-- I saw Sienna come out and it was surreal. This little person has been growing and moving inside of you for all this time, and she's finally here. I can't describe it. I was overcome with emotion, but too exhausted to express any of it. This little life was transferred to me in cell form, and here she had eyes, ears, a mouth, toes. She was a person. She grew inside of me. I still can't wrap my head around it. My sister started to cry. My mom cut the cord.

-- They placed Sienna on my chest. I felt her warmth. Her little heartbeat. To this day, I'm still amazed.

-- As they took Sienna over to get cleaned up, weighed, and measured, the doctor tried to deliver the placenta. But, it wasn't detaching from the wall. After another 30 minutes of increasing the pitocin and still contracting, the doctor finally had to go in and get it. OUCH. Hurt way more than the delivery of Sienna. (Can I just say the placenta is a remarkable-looking organ? But no, I don't want to keep it or freeze it or plant it.) But, the doctor said because of the quick delivery of Sienna, I barely had any tearing. I had "skid marks". She did a few stiches, but said everything should heal just fine.

-- Tygh came back in and held his daughter for the first time. Family and friends slowly began to come in and greet our baby girl. I was still way too exhausted to show any kind of emotion. All I wanted was a Sprite. My dear father-in-law scoured the hospital, and finally came back with two Sprites. I downed them.

-- A few hours later, I was transferred up to the recovery suite. Family, friends, and Tygh went home. As hard as it was, I asked to have Sienna in the respite room so I could get some sleep. I knew I needed sleep for her, and for me. But, after 3 hours, I couldn't take it. I asked for her back, and we slept together.

-- I came home Thursday evening and was so ready to be home. The hardest part of the recovery was actually regaining sensation in my legs. I'm thankful for the quick delivery because it really has made for an equally quick recovery. I'm really not in pain, and the cramps are only mild. The hardest part has been the pain and frustration associated with nursing. Sienna doesn't have the best latch, and despite several sessions with a lactation specialist, I probably will not be able to provide Sienna everything she needs with nursing. That was hard to accept at first, and I had to wrestle with some guilt, but the girl needs to eat. So, I've been doing some nursing just to help with the bonding, but am mostly pumping and bottle feeding.

-- I know most moms say this, but Sienna really is a dream baby. Last night, she slept 5.5 hours straight. She really doesn't fuss, she loves to be held, and she's just so very sweet.

-- Brae has been remarkable. He was at his grandparents for 2 days while I was in the hospital, and as much as he loves them, I know it was hard and confusing for him. He went to school a couple days last week, and the teachers said he wasn't eating or sleeping well, and seemed teary-eyed. ; (

-- Tygh and I have made special attempts to spend time with just him alone. We had a good weekend. Brae hasn't shown any sings of aggression toward Sienna. He's actually been a good helper (bringing me a bottle for her, turning on her vibrating chair, wanting to make sure she has a slice of pizza too, etc.). But he definitely has shown jealous tendencies -- wanting to be held when we're holding her, demanding more of our attention, etc. This morning, when I dropped him off at school, he threw a tantrum and didn't want me to leave. Broke my heart. I know he's going through just as much of a transition as the rest of us. I don't want him to feel replaced. He's not. He will always be the child that made us parents. He will always be the child that filled such a longing in us.

-- So, such has begun my summertime maternity leave. And it's raining oustide. But inside, next to me, in her little butterfly vibrating chair, pursing her rosebud lips, lays my daughter. My "promise from God." My Sienna.

Sienna Pamela Leigh -- she's here!

Born Wed, June 8, 1:11 am. 6 lbs 15 oz. 21 inches.

Exhausted, but in love. Will write more later!

10 years and 31 hours later

Sienna arrived last night around 1:30 am. Mom, dad and baby are doing great :) No c-section was needed.

I'll let Britney take it from here to give you the full story once she's rested and back home.

I love you Sienna and can't wait to meet you!!

- Aunt Kiki

6:00 PM

5 cm Dilated.

No need for a c section.

Contractions are getting more regular.

THANK YOU GOD!

5:15 PM

Moving Slow

Doctor will be here in 30 minutes to decide if a c-section will be needed.

3:30 PM

4 cm

Slowly increasing pitocin

Her head is way way down.

Dr. can feel top of her head.

Noon

Britney is awake from a nap. She's at 3cm dilated, 80% effaced and 0 position. Contractions are 3-5 minutes apart.

Sienna is taking her sweet time and enjoying this experience.