Some raw honesty.

I ordered our medicine today.

I feel neither good nor bad about that. Probably a little scared. You see, I've been down this road before -- kind of -- with IVF -- almost 2 years to the date. And it failed. I harbor no expectation that embryo adoption will work. I'm hopeful, but very very cautious and very guarded. I know that God is sovereign. I know that He already knows the outcome. I'm not afraid of my God, but I am reverently fearful of Him and His will and His perfect plan for my life. It may not be my idea of my perfect plan. But, if I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. I take this to mean that if I delight myself in my God, then my desires become His desires. I start to want what HE wants for me. Sure, I still have my fleshly desires to be pregnant and carry a child. I believe He placed those in me and, God willing, one day He will fulfill them, or take them away. I believe that.

But I'm not looking forward to this. This is my raw honesty. I'm not looking forward to the needle injections again. I'm not really looking forward to flying halfway across the country to Tennessee again (although they are a lovely bunch!). I'm not looking forward to 48 hours of bedrest. I'm not looking forward to abstaining from picking up my beautiful (but over 25 pound!) 21-month-old that I love so dearly (not allowed to pick him up for 2 weeks). And I'm really not looking forward to the beta test. (I will not stress myself out with a pregnancy test beforehand).

You see, I've received THAT call many many times before. Negative. Then I sob uncontrollably, yell at God, and curse at my body. So I'm a little guarded.

I don't know what my purpose is in this. I just know that we feel led on this path, but it may not be for a pregnancy. It may be to "release" these lives on hold to heaven. And although I don't like being the "martyr" for that cause, here I am. I feel I am being obedient.

We've turned down at least 2 leads for domestic adoption to continue on this path. We've put our own plans for a domestic adoption to continue on this path. We have essentially put our lives on hold to go down this path.

Do I really "want" to be doing this? Quite honestly, not really. I've been on a gluten free diet for over 4 months now to help "prep" my body (I have a gluten sensitivity). I miss bread. I want to eat a peanut butter sandwich, by golly! I've put my body through rigor to get my thyroid at the "optimal" level. And I just want to be done with it. I want to get off birth control and eat bread and have my thyroid do what it will and JUST.BE.

And yet, time after time, when I've gotten on my knees, face to the floor, and prayed that God would steer me off this path if it was not His will, He would. And He has not. If anything, He's confirmed this is what we are supposed to be doing.

Yes, this will all be hard to swallow if this does not result in a pregnancy. Very hard to swallow. But again, I just pray for peace. If I have peace, I can get through all of this and be okay with the outcome.

Lord -- I want what YOU want in this. You have a better plan than I do. You brought us our son that we love so much and if we had not struggled with infertility, we would not have been led to adopt, and we wouldn't have our son.

Some really raw honesty? I cannot imagine my life without my son. So, God, thank you for my infertility.

It is set!

I just heard from the nurse coordinator in Tennessee. We are confirmed for a September transfer! Thank you, Lord!

I still have to say, because it's my nature, that if my thyroid levels are out of whack when I get them re-checked, things can always change. But for now, we're set for September 18. The nurse said she will be working on medication protocol over the next couple of weeks, so we hope to hear from her soon.

We are also waiting to hear from our adoption coordinator about the adoption paperwork with our genetic families.

The roller coaster is speeding up.

A date. For now.

We have tentatively been scheduled for a transfer date of September 18!

We would have to arrive in Tennessee on September 17th, and the transfer would likely be in the morning of the 18th. I believe we'd be cleared to fly home the late afternoon/evening of the 19th.

There is a HUGE asterisk on this date, in my book. And that totally depends on what my thyroid levels are in 6 weeks. I started taking the new dosage this morning. I even read the disclaimer language that comes with all mediciations (you know that big pamphlet that you just throw away). I think this may be the first time in over 15 years of being on thyroid replacement meds that I actually read this thing. I noticed something interesting. It said "do not take for treatment of infertility, unless infertility is linked with thyroid levels". Hmmm. Not really sure what to make of this.

In any case, it's nice to have a date. For now.

The embryologist said she would first thaw Ohio's embryos until she had 2-3 to transfer. If only one survived, she would start thawing Michigan's embryos until there is a total of 2-3 to transfer. I'm not even going to pretend to understand the logistics of the timing of it all. Outta my hands.

And speaking of that, I came across this great poem today on another's blog. Very fitting:


Waiting
"But those who wait on the Lord will find strength. They will fly high like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. The will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Desperately,
helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently,
lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate.....

and the Master so gently said,
Wait.

Wait? you say wait?
my indignant reply.
Lord, I need answers,
I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened?
Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance
and you tell me to Wait?

I'm needing a yes,
a go-ahead sign.
Or even a no,
to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord,
that if we believe,
We need but to ask,
and we shall receive.

Lord, I've been asking,
and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking!
I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, Wait.
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God,
So, I'm waiting
for what?????

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine....
and He tenderly said,
I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and
darken the sun. I could raise the dead
and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek
and
pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want
but
you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know
the depth of My love
for each saint.

You'd not know
the power that I give
to the faint.

You'd not learn to see
through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust
just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy
of resting in Me
when darkness and silence
are all you can see.

You'd never experience
the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit
descends like a dove.

You would know that I give,
and I save, for a start,
But, you'd not know the depth
of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort
late into the night,
the faith that I give
when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond
getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who
makes what you have last.

You'd never know should
your pain quickly flee.
what it means that My grace
is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams
overnight would come true,
but, oh, the loss, if you missed
what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child
and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts
is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers
seem terribly late,
My most precious answer
of all is still........

Wait.

An update -- kind of.

I received word from Tennessee this morning that the doctor is adjusting my dosage again to hopefully get my levels down even more -- trying to hit that 1-2 level mark.

I'm supposed to get re-checked again in 6 weeks. That will put me at the first full week of September.

As of now, they don't "think" that will affect my September transfer, but it is cutting it awfully close.

I'm not necessarily optimistic that we'll be in the September group, but if this is what it takes for my body to be in the best possible shape for a healthy transfer, then I'm trying to see it as a positive thing.

Just more waiting.

Update.

Monday: We spoke with our adoption coordinator about our level of openness. We actually got to learn the names of our genetic families, but for privacy reasons, I won't post here. Suffice it to say, they are both very traditional, lovely names. The coordinator will now speak with each family and get their level of openness. Once we have an agreement, the adoption paperwork and all the legal "stuff" will be put together. I did reiterate that I'd really love to be able to email with both of the genetic donors (at least the women) by email before the transfer. Hopefully they will want that, too!

Tuesday: I had my blood drawn for my thyroid test. You'll recall 6 weeks ago, in Tennessee, the doctor noticed my thyroid was very large and asked that it get tested. It was at a level 13. (Normal levels are between 1-5; but preferred levels for pregnancy is 1-2). So the dr. immediately changed my meds (dosage, brand, etc) and I've been taking them religiously ever since. Religiously means every day, on an empty stomach, nowhere near calcium (which counteracts the effectiveness).

I went in and a phlebotomy student asked if he could take my blood. I said sure, so long as he was good, because I hate needles. Well, of course, he wasn't. He missed my vein, started digging, and eventually the nurse came over and demanded that he remove the needle. He didn't get any blood, so the nurse came over and jabbed my other arm. I have a bruise today on the other.

Today: My doctor very kindly sent me results first thing this morning, and they were at a 3.71. This is certainly a big improvement, but it's still not within the magic 1-2 mark. I sent the results to Tennessee, and they are going to get back to me.

My head has been spinning all day as to what they may do, and I'm trying really hard not to speculate, and just trust that whatever they decide is all a part of God's greater plan. So, I wait. And you get to wait with me. ; )

Love from Michigan.

Our Michigan couple has 'accepted' us! I have to be honest, that when it didn't happen as quickly as Ohio, I started to get a little nervous. Maybe they wanted a family that didn't have children already? Maybe they don't like blondes? Maybe my 5'2 (and a half) frame is too short for the 5'10 Irish/German brunette?

Michigan was also given a week to look at our profile, and chose us within 24 hours. Thank you, Lord, for not making us wait on this!

Both of these profiles have been referred to our adoption agency to start the openness arrangements. I remain hopeful that we will be able to communicate directly with them prior to the transfer.

I did learn that the couple that had adopted Ohio's other 6 embryos had previously "accepted" all 9, but after they did not achieve pregnancy (for whatever reason) with the 6, they "released" the other 3 back to Ohio. I can only speculate as to what reasons for that may be. Maybe they were disenchanted with the embryos, with the process. Maybe they tried two transfers with these embryos and decided to pursue other options after they were not successful. I'm trying not to analyze it too much. Ultimately, these embryos were "released" back to Ohio so that we could adopt them! Is that too Pollyanna? I don't think so. I think that's God.

I have to admit that yesterday I was very bummed that we now have two sets of embryos from two different couples. It's like adopting two babies at the same time from two different birthmoms. If you're unfamiliar with this process, it just seems straight weird. Heck, even I will admit it feels a little weird.

But now I'm actually embracing it. One of the benefits of an open embryo adoption is that we now have the pleasure of embarking on this journey with another couple who is JUST AS INVESTED in the outcome as we are. That is another family, another extended family, another prayer circle, many states and time zones away, who want this to work just as much as we do. Now, we've doubled that pleasure by having TWO families, two extended families, two more prayer circles who want this to work just as much as we do. That is just plain awesome. We feel humbled and privileged that these couples have chosen us to try and further the lives of these embryos and, God willing, be their parents.

I've always been humbled by the selfless acts of birthmoms. Today, I am humbled by the selfless acts of genetic families. These families love these embryos. They are their flesh and blood (in really raw form). These couples also struggled with infertility and loss and grief. And I'm sure that when these embryos were created, it was a miracle, and they never envisioned "giving them away" to a couple they had never met. We feel privileged that they would hand over such an amazing gift of life to us.

One other neat fact -- Michigan's 4 embryos that we are adopting were likely frozen within days/weeks of when Brae was born! That is just plain cool.

As a practical matter, I do not know how the embryologist will work out the whole thawing process in our situation. I suspect, but do not know, that she will thaw Ohio's 3 and transfer whichever ones survive (1-3). Then if Ohio's doesn't result in pregnancy, we will go back again and try with Michigan.

I have my thyroid test next Tuesday. That test will likely determine whether we are going in September or November for our transfer. How lovely that a tiny butterfly-shaped gland in my body has so much control. I do feel that my thyroid levels have definitely changed in the last 6 weeks, because I have so much energy I have difficulty falling asleep at night. I'm like a flea on a hot skillet -- constantly. So I hope my thyroid has not over corrected.

"Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am TRUSTING You. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to You." -- Psalm 143:8.

A curve ball.

I received a call this morning from our coordinator at NEDC. She informed us that although Ohio couple DID have 9 embryos at one point (3 blastocysts; 6 multi-cell), that another family had already adopted the 6 multi-cell embryos and did not achieve pregnancy. So our Ohio couple has only 3 blastocysts to donate.

Because NEDC requires us to be matched with at least 6 embryos, we could either 1) select a "backup" couple or 2) not proceed with Ohio and start the match process all over again.

This was a major shock and a major blow. We did not see this coming. I made a game time decision to proceed with Ohio and look at "backup" couples. I did this for a few reasons. One, we love our Ohio couple. It is as close to a "perfect" match as we could envision. Second, we feel committed and connected to this couple, and believe that they are relying on us as much as we are on them. Third, because of our "pickiness", we have already so narrowed the pool that it would be hard to start the matching process all over again. Fourth, because many of the couples have fewer than 6 embryos, we'd likely have to have another backup couple anyway.

The added complexity with doing it this way is that we have to get matched with a backup couple that has at least 3 embryos also frozen at day 5 (blastocyst). You can't transfer a day 3 and a day 5 embryo for obvious reasons. The babies need to grow at the same stage together.

So our coordinator sent us 2 profiles. As further evidence of how small our pool is since we 1) want an open adoption, 2) do not want egg/sperm donors, and 3) need at least 3 blastocysts, our coordinator accidentally sent us a profile that we had already rejected. So, we rejected that one again. We did select the other couple as the "backup" couple. The coordinator is sending our profile to them for them to accept/reject us.

This couple is a little younger. They live in Michigan. (We don't know the ages of the Ohio couple, but we suspect mid-30s; embryos likely frozen about 5 years ago). Michigan wife is 28; he is 29. Unlike Ohio, they did not provide a picture. But they have twins -- a boy and a girl born in August 2009. They have 4 embryos, frozen at day 5. We assume they were frozen around the time she acheived pregnancy, so about 18 months ago. So they are relatively "new" snowflake babies.

They are both 5'10 (tall girl!). Both Caucasian, brown hair, brown eyes, medium builds, both of Irish/German descent. They are both college educated. She is an account manager; he is an electrician. Just like Ohio, they have spotless medical histories.

They both love country music (sorry, Tygh! -- but I'm a huge fan). He likes to hunt, fish, boat, camp. His favorite movie is Top Gun. She's a swimmer and loves Kenny Chesney.

All in all, they are a great match. In fact, if we had not already found Ohio, we'd be thrilled to be matched with Michigan. It's just the strange turn of events. And now they have to choose us back. If they don't, who knows where we'll be.

If this works, we will adopt all 7 of the embryos. Ohio's 3 will be thawed first, and see where that gets us. Michigan's would only be thawed if necessary. If pregnancy was not achieved, then we could go back again and try with any of Michigan's that remain.

It is not lost on me that Ohio's 6 (frozen at day 3 or 4) that were previously adopted did not result in a pregnancy. Statistically, blastocysts have a higher success rate than those embryos frozen at day 3 or 4. However, NEDC has assured us that those national stats have not proven accurate at their facility, and they have had equal success rates with embryos frozen at all stages.

This is all even more strange because just this morning I was thinking how much easier it would be to just do domestic adoption again. Yes, the emotional part would probably be the same. Yes, the financial part would probably be the same (after we got the domestic adoption tax credit). But with domestic adoption, I won't have to put myself through the physical rigor that embryo adoption will require. It will be a mini-IVF all over again.

And then my beloved sis-in-law, Kelly, sent me a great email this morning that set the stage for the events that followed. It was a daily devotional titled "The Plans of the Builder/Have Thy Own Way, Lord".

I quote, "Plans change, whether we like it or not. God's intervention in our lives always suits His purposes. He is the homeowner and we obey by adjusting our perspective and and following His blueprint with each situation. Lord, You're the builder, and I'm the worker. I will put my plans for today in second place and allow Your divine purposes to rule. "

Am I reaching too much by again acknowledging that Michigan husband is an electrician -- get it -- God is builder -- he is electrician -- no? ; )

Happy tears!

Ohio couple chose us back! Yay! I got the surprise email in my inbox this morning!

It was a surprise mostly because it happened so quickly -- we just chose last night (at least it was night eastern time), and apparently they accepted very quickly because it was in my inbox very early eastern time this morning! (And they were given a week to make their decision)!

To my other surprise, when I saw that, I just burst into happy tears.

It's been a whirlwind week with the NEDC.

Now, the match has been sent to Bethany to mediate the openness agreement. We're told that we should not expect to hear anything from them for 2-3 weeks because they are working on the July matches. Also in 2-3 weeks is when I go in for my thyroid test.

And in the midst of all this, I cannot forget the one amazing little boy who God has already blessed us with. I love Brae with all that I am and Tygh and I are so blessed to be his parents. We are thankful for our infertility journey because without it, we would not have that little boy, who has brought us such joy, and apart from each other, is our greatest gift here on this earth.

We've made a choice!!!!!!

YAY! It feels SO good to say that!

Here's the rundown: We got the 3 profiles and Tygh and I looked at them separately and we had both chosen the same one first! (I knew we would).

Here's what we know:

They live in Ohio. Both Caucasian of German descent (like me!). They have twins; a boy and a girl. They have 9 embryos (so we won't need to be matched with any other couples -- this is our one shot!). He is 6'2; she is 5'6. He has brown hair; brown eyes. He weighs 230. She has brown hair; blue eyes. She weighs 120. (okay, right about now I feel like we're "shopping" for a match -- please don't take it that way -- this is just the couple we felt most connected with).

They are both college graduates; she has her masters degree. He is a Director of Purchasing. She is an HR Manager.

Now for the major commonalities: He loves 80s music! (huge plus in my book). He loves James Bond movies; the Rolling Stones; golf; played college football; and plays 3 instruments!
And get this... SHE loves 80s music! And she was a cheerleader! She plays 2 instruments!
So Tygh and I were smitten with all of the above (we got a lot more detail than this in the profile, but the blog post would be really long). But, to boot, they were the one profile of all the 6 that had pictures. And, can I just say, they are a mighty fine couple with two GORGEOUS children.
So next steps are that the coordinator will send our profile to them (yikes, hard for me to remember what we said; what pictures we sent -- hope they were good!), and if they "accept" us in return (please, Lord!), then we work with the adoption agency to arrange an openness agreement. I hope they are open enough to chatting via email or on the phone before the transfer.

Can you tell we've fallen in love with a family in Ohio?!

Thank you, Jesus, for making this couple stand out so profoundly to us! Onward!

More Profiles!

There was an unexpected email in my inbox this morning! Three more profiles to review! Woo hoo!
The coordinator did say that because we do not want egg/sperm donor, that excludes about 30-35 percent of the donor pool. We're okay with that -- smaller selection means God is narrowing down the group we have to select from -- and getting even closer to that match or matches we believe He had planned for all along. We have been praying very specifically for whatever couple/embabies we would get matched with since before we started this process almost 10 months ago!
We pray that our embabies/match couple is in this group of 3, or at least one of them is. More likely than not we'll have to do a second round of matches because the couple we select will have less than 6 embryos (most of them do).
So Tygh and I will review separately and then compare notes tonight.
Exciting to be at this stage!
We want obedience every step of the way. We believe God honors obedience. We don't know what that looks like for us in this situation -- we pray a pregnancy -- but it may be for a higher purpose.

Profiles! (Part Three)

So we sent an email last night respectfully declining the 3 profiles. I did learn that those couples had not already seen us, so they do not know they were not chosen. Phew!
I was hoping to see more profiles today, but did not, so I sent a tail-between-my-legs email to the coordinator asking "do I offend?" (What movie is that from?)
She said no, but that she was busy with the July transfers and that the embryologist had actually pulled those 3 profiles. They are now aware that we do not desire egg/sperm donors.
Unfortunately, the coordinator said she doubts she'll be able to pull other matches this week, and she is on vacation next week. She said that the embryologist will be back on Monday and that she may be able to pull more matches.
We knew this was going to be a lengthy process. We have to get matched with at least 6 embryos and they all have to be at the same stage of development, so it is likely we will be matched with at least two couples. Once that happens, then we start negotiating the openness level.
It's definitely exciting to be at this stage, but in the back of my mind I'm keenly aware that 1) this whole process could not work (that thought never leaves my mind), but that 2) my thyroid levels may not be where they are supposed to be by September, so I'll be moved to a Nov transfer date.
But I really, honestly, feel at such peace. We are supposed to be doing this. Obedience every single step of the way.

Profiles! (Part Two)

So I actually received three profiles this afternoon! That's the exciting part. The not-so-exciting/frustrating part is that two of the profiles used egg donors. Tygh and I have repeatedly stated that we do not want a couple that used an egg or sperm donor, simply because we want any child born through EA to be able to contact his/her genetic match if he/she wanted to.
In any case, I've sent an email to the coordinator asking her to send us two more profiles to "replace" those two.
As for the third profile, I'm not super jazzed about it. I'll show it to Tygh tonight but I just don't feel that our match is in this couple.
The end goal is to be matched with at least 6 embryos, and they all have to be at the same stage of development for the transfer. While it's definitely exciting to be at this stage in the process, this is NOT the part when I want to make a decision just to make a decision. It has to be right.

Profiles!

The NEDC coordinator just emailed and said she'll be faxing 3 profiles to us tomorrow to review! YAY!
Also, the nurse had called me last week and said that all they were waiting on for complete medical clearance is the results of my thyroid test -- middle of July. So she told the coordinator to go ahead and schedule us for September!
If you think of it, please pray that one of these 3 profiles just stands out to us as the one God wants us to be "matched" with. As I understand it, these 3 couples have already "chosen" us, and now we can "choose" one (or more, if the #1 has less than 6 embryos) back.

Results.

Estrogen levels and ultrasound results are back... and they are good! Phew! Thank you, Lord!
The nurse called me this morning to say that she was switching my medication to the next part of the controlled cycle. This means that I'll start taking medication to get me to start a period, and once that starts, I can start taking birth control until my transfer date.
I'll need to pray about whether to start taking the BC now, or wait until it gets closer to the transfer. Still in my heart of hearts, I hope that we'll be able to get preggers on our own and not have to go back to Tenn, but as I'm even writing this, with where my thyroid levels are at right now, it is very unlikely we'd be able to conceive, and even if we did, miscarriage/birth defects are very likely results. There's also a lot of benefit to being on BC before a transfer -- it would "save" my own eggs for down the road (seems like a silly reason), but also because if there is any inflammation, endometriosis, etc., being on BC clears those up before the transfer.
So, see, there God has just spoken to me! Ha ha. Go on BC. Love how He does that. Thank you, Lord! ; )
So, I guess we'll go on BC.
I go back to get my thyroid levels re-checked in mid-July. If they are not within the "sweet spot" by then, they'll likely alter the medication and I'll have to wait another 6 weeks for results. That would put us at early Sept and dangerously close to having to move the transfer to Nov anyway. Just need to rest and trust that the Lord has continued to confirm we're supposed to be on this path, and that His timing alone is perfect.
I did connect with the nurse that is doing the matching process and she said she's working on the July matches now and then she'll start on the Sept matches. I don't expect to hear anything for several weeks.
So that's probably it for postings from me for a while. Nothing really should be happening until I take TSH levels in mid-July.

Thanks for all your prayers and support!

Update.

I had an ultrasound and estrogen blood test yesterday and the results were not what the doctor wanted to see. My lining was not as thick as they wanted, and my estrogen levels were not as high as they wanted. So, I'm going back tomorrow for a re-test.
The results were surprising to me because (I've been told) normally I have a thick lining and good estrogen levels. And Lord knows that all this hummus I'm eating on my gluten-free diet is packed with natural estrogen!
It could be because I'm on a "controlled" vs. natural cycle this month as they've instructed me to take estrogen pills. I suppose (in my non-medical mind) that those pills could have suppressed my natural estrogen production. Or, it could be my lovely autoimmune thyroid disorder. The dr. had requested a blood test of my TSH levels, and they came back TRIPLE what they are supposed to be. Also very surprising. So, he immediately altered my medicine dosage and wants my levels re-checked in 6 weeks. (That in itself would have delayed any hope of a July transfer since my TSH levels have to be within normal range before a transfer can take place -- otherwise miscarriage or birth defects are possible outcomes).
If tomorrow's test is not good (still not thick lining and still low estrogen levels), I'm TOLD (by the nurse) that all that means is that when they do the transfer, I'll have to be on a higher dosage of estrogen. I was somewhat relieved to hear that because part of me was expecting that I'd either have to re-do this whole controlled cycle again or they would (gasp!) medically disqualify me period.
Lately, I've been praying in earnest that God reveals His will to me in this area (yes, again) to confirm or disconfirm that we are on the right path with EA. I believe that we are, but it's so easy to think otherwise when the road gets difficult. Certainly, if I get medically disqualified, that's a closed door and we'd be on another path. I PRAY that is not God's will, and that all these medical bumps are simply His way of making my body the best vessel it can be when they transfer the embryos. I am, however, getting just a bit discouraged that my body just does not seem to cooperate -- contrary to my mind's will otherwise.
So, if you think of it, please pray that God does hit me over the head (yes, again) with confirmation/or not that we are on the right path.

Tennessee: be still and know I am God

I cannot say enough about our trip so far. Tenn is amazing. Knoxville is a total hillbilly town and we love it. We can barely understand half of what is said but the southern hospitality is thick. We've made great friends with our taxi drivers-Eddie and Jill. The donation center was amazing as well. When we walked in I was immediately drawn to a stack of Daily Bread devotionals. Right on the front cover was a verse I've come to know well: Psalm 46:10-"Be still and know that am I God." This is the same verse that a woman in my church stopped me with in the bathroom in February 2008. She said she didn't know what was going on in
life but she felt that God wanted me to know that He is God and I need to be still. So that verse has always been special to me. It was a great sign to see that verse at the clinic.
The dr appt was great. The dr was very thorough and engaged in us. The medical exam was equally as thorough. So much to say but I'm on the iPhone and in the taxi with Eddie who is talking to me about his floosie wife and his titanium hips. Suffice it to day the dr says I have a condition where my endometrium lining grows in my muscle which can cause infertility. It explains why I have heavy flows for just 2 days and then spot for several days. It's a condition I can't pronounce. But he says it's a very
mild case and does not disqualify us. He also says we have a mixed egg quality and mixed sperm issue that doesn't prevent conception but the embryos don't develop well. That could also explain why I ovulate but then don't start bleeding for 3 or 4 weeks. We could be conceiving but the embryos aren't developing. This was at least his best guess. He was also concerned with my thyroid condition and the nodules on
my thyroid. So he took a blood test to make sure my levels are normal but he seemed surprised I haven't done iodine therapy for my thyroid. Anyway he said he thought we are a good candidate for embryo adoption. Our success rate for live birth per transfer is about 50percent. After the med examthat involved a very uncomfortable procedure with a very full bladder we met with the embryologist and head nurse and them the office manager. The matching process has begun and we should know more in a couple weeks. Were looking hopefully at a transfer mid sept! They will transfer between 2-3 embryos.
Imtrying not to get too excited but it's hard. This process feels so much more smooth and ordained than our IVF process and is sooooo much less expensive I don't know why more people don't choose it. I suppose God leads each of us down our own paths in diff ways.
We still don't know why were led on this path or why it feels so right. We hope it's because our next baby is here in Tenn. Or maybe the purpose is just the journey and the faith and trust God is developing in us. Either way were excited to come back to tenn and just be a part of God's plan for us.

Update.

Hotel in Knoxville is booked.

I've started my next menstrual cycle, which means tomorrow I start on estrogen supplements to prepare me for the mock trial.

I'm actually relieved (for once!) that my cycle came when I expected it, because I have (or God had) timed perfectly the dates for this mock trial and the date for when the outside monitoring facility here in Portland has to see me for a follow up on day 14 of my cycle. This is good news, because that will be on Wed, June 9, which -- hoping I'm medically cleared after both these appointments -- NEDC should start the matching process that week or early the following week. We're still probably looking at a September transfer date at the earliest, which I have now found peace with. ; )

A week from now, we'll be in Knoxville!

Trust.

It looks like the transfer will not be until September. The July transfer dates are almost full, so it's looking like if we are medically cleared and have a match relatively soon after the June meeting, we would go back to Tennessee sometime between September 18-25.
Sigh.
Again, not the timeline I was hoping for, but again, still faster than we had originally expected with NEDC.
As for Bethany's program, would you believe I STILL have not received a final application from them?
You just have to laugh.

Embryo Adoption: A Choice Put to the Test

I literally got out of bed tonight to write this blog. I couldn't sleep. I had to put this down on paper (or on a computer screen).

I am in awe of our God.

Today, a very dear and wise friend called me and told me there were 2 birthmothers who wanted to choose adoption. Coincidence or not (not!), I knew from her email "call me" exactly what this was going to be about.

I listened intently to what she had to say, head spinning. Two birthmoms. Both due in a manner of months. Committed to adoption.

Head spinning.

I got off the phone and prayed, "Lord, lead me. Guide me. Tell me what you want me to do. If this isn't our path, lead me to who I should talk to." The very same prayer I say on my knees every morning.

I spoke with the adoption attorney working with these two young ladies. (Who, coincidence or not (not!), started practicing law the very month AND year that I was born). I gathered information. Both birthmoms very committed to adoption -- have placed before. I felt convinced that if we elected to go down this road, we would end up with a baby in our arms. I just knew that.

And then God spoke up.

On my way home from work today, I felt slowly impressed that our role here was not to adopt either one of these precious babies. That was not our purpose. Instead, we were to help find them homes, but not BE the home.

I got home and talked with Tygh. He confirmed what he had been feeling as well.

So I got to work carefully choosing the right people to talk to. Specifically, I presented the opportunity to two families (remember, two birthmoms) whose hearts are aimed at adoption. One family quickly jumped on the opportunity (after considered prayer -- perhaps in a hurry! -- of course). Smile. In fact, they may be on their way to meet at least one of the birthmoms this week! Thank you, Lord!

I feel at peace. I thank God that my "connections" that God placed before me -- all around me-- on this strangely beautiful adoption journey may have led two women in crisis to unite over the love of an unborn baby.

Neither of these children will be Brae's sibling. With a slight ache, we feel at peace with that. At any other time in our lives, we would have jumped, assaulted anyone who obstructed our path, and raced to adopt one (or both!) of these babies. We would have gone through every door and waited for God to slam it shut.

But not this time. God, in all His glory, very quickly halted us and told us to not even go through the door. Rather, we were to help unlock the door for someone else. WOW! What an honor! What a privilege to be a part of God's work! Shivers.

About a month ago, I told another dear friend that our heart was in embryo adoption right now. And that if a birthmom were to come up to me and say she would give me her baby and would not change her mind, I would have to say "no." I said that, at the time, half-joking, because anyone who knows our adoption journey knows that our history with birthmoms is quite the opposite! (We went through 9 failed adoption leads before Brae).

And now, today, I was faced with that very dilemma. And we chose to stay the course that God has put before us. We believe embryo adoption is where He wants us.

I have to say there will probably be a pang if the embryo adoption doesn't work and we will have "passed up" these leads. But then, I just have to think that if God can so quickly place 2 birthmoms in my path, surely He will provide Brae his sibling one day.

G'night.

Homestudy Approved!

Yay!

We hope that it will be on its way to NEDC next week, well in time for them to review it prior to our June 3 appointment.

Next steps are we are continuing to satisfy the 10-hour training requirement. When my next cycle starts in a couple weeks, I will then start on some hormones that will get me ready for the June 3 visit. After the June 3 visit, I have an ultrasound at our local facility to time it just right with where I'm at in my cycle.

Then, hoping all goes well, once I start my June menstrual cycle, I can start on the hormones needed to prep me for the actual transfer. That would only happen if we were successfully matched with a genetic family prior to July.

I must say the timing of all this seems so fast that I'm a little skeptical about whether we'll actually be able to have the transfer in July, so it may be September.

I can't believe we formally started down this road in January, here it is May, and we may be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) by July or September!

Also, Tygh and I have decided (pending doctor approval and logistics) that we'd probably transfer 3 embryos -- if 3 were available to transfer. We did 2 with our IVF and it didn't work, so 3 does not seem like an unreasonable number. Of course you pray and want each of them to make it and have a chance at life, but the thought of triplets (gulp) scares me. But truth be told, I'm WAY more scared of it not working at all.

Mentally, though, I'm in a good place. The sun is out and God is smiling. We feel confident we are resting squarely within His will. We're just on this journey He has set forth with us. The plan and all the details are already worked out. As our pastor says, "We're just going fishing with Dad."