Infertility: Mercies in Disguise?

Recently, two stories of a friend (and a cousin of a friend) hit me hard.  Each reminded me that this world is a broken place with broken bodies and ugly illnesses that rob us of our loved ones.  Each also reminded me that while I may struggle with my own ugly and unexplained illness, it may also be a mercy in disguise.  Infertility, to me, may be a mercy in disguise.  Infertility, tried as it might, did not rob me of motherhood, or of experiencing pregnancy.  And, just maybe, it is sparing me other unknown heartaches. 

I can only pray that each of the women below, in working through her own story of pain, is experiencing her own basket of mercies in disguise:

1) My friend, who I will call Faith, recently delivered her first child in a very traumatic delivery that nearly cost her life.  This was a completely spontaneous, ordinary course, pregnancy.  No problems.  When it came time to deliver, Faith developed a fever.  Her son was born via emergency C-section.  Faith developed a uterine infection.  Her uterus would not contract.  She was bleeding out.  She was intubated.  Her life hung in the balance.  They performed a complete hysterectomy to save her life.  She has a miracle son, but she will not be able to be pregnant ever again. 

2) My friend's dear cousin, who I will call Hope.  Another completely spontaneous, ordinary course, pregnancy. No problems.  A healthy baby boy, who I will call Noah. At 10 months, Noah started having seizures.  A month later, he was dead.  His life was taken suddenly, and with not much explanation.  He had a rare genetic disease that his mother, Hope, gave him.  Hope may not be able to have any other genetic children without passing along this same disease. 

Today, I am grateful for my two children.  And today, my heart aches for Faith and Hope.  Although they did not experience infertility, they are having struggles of their own. 

All of us are. 

Obamacare and Adoption Tax Credit

You may have seen the US Supreme Court upheld "Obamacare" today.  What you may not know is what this does to the adoption tax credit. 

In the overhaul, Congress boosted the $12,150 federal adoption tax credit by $1,000 starting this tax year.  It also is refundable, meaning you'll get the credit whether you owe taxes or not. 

Good news for families wanting to adopt that may have been stymied by the cost. 

Brae-isms

Brae: "Mommy, is Satan a bad boy or a bad girl?"
Me: "Ummm... (long pause) ... Satan is a bad boy."
Brae: "Does that mean no one wants to go to Satan's house to play?"

***

Brae: "Mommy, do not go into my room and see what I did."
Me: "Okay."
Brae: "But if you did go into my room, do not look in the closet."
Me: "Okayyy ..."
Brae: "But if you did look in the closet, do not look in the back of the closet."
Me: "Okayyy ..."
Brae: "But if you did look in the back of the closet, do not look in the box."
Me: "Okayyy ..."
Brae: "But if you did look in the box, you'd see that I took all of Sienna's clothes and hid them in there."

***
Sienna was taking a shower the other day (yes, the girl likes to take showers).  Brae stripped off his clothes and hopped right in with her.  I was getting ready for work and had my back to them, looking in the mirror, when I heard Brae say, "Now, Sienna . . . don't move!"

I turned around to see him dumping an entire gallon of shampoo on her head.  

It took me an hour to get her clean.

Sienna's 1-year stats

Sienna at 1 year:

-- Weight: 23.9 pounds.  90th percentil e
-- Height: 32 inches.  Off the chart. 

And the top ten things I can tell about your personality at this point:

1) You are a cuddler.
2) You are fearless.
3) You are (let's face it) kind of a diva, and Mommy lets you be.
4) You adore your brother.
5) You need to be where the action is.
6) You are not very "girlie" (at least not yet, and despite Mommy's efforts to dress you only in pink and with huge gaudy headbands)
7) You love your sleep.
8) You get shy when you meet new people, and burrow your head into Mommy's neck.
9) You are a talker.  You can say "Mommy, Daddy, Brae, Uh-oh, and Dog," and a whole host of indecipherable other words I haven't figured out yet.
10) You love to dance

Honey Bear, with your life, you have made a dream come true for Mommy and Daddy.  With you, we got to experience pregnancy and having a daughter.  You are irreplaceable.  We love you more than words can say.  You are our baby girl.  We love you unconditionally (and always will).  Nothing can ever separate you from our love.  May you come to know your Creator and live the abundant life that is waiting for you. 

Love,

Mommy, Daddy, and Brother Brae

Pictures from a party.

Moments in Time

Newborn, Six months, One year.  My angel.

A year ago today...

A dream came true.  Happy birthday, Sienna!

Brae-isms

1.  A spider crawled across the floor.  "Ewww," I said, crinkling my nose.  Brae looked up at me with an "oh, puleeezze" look and said, "Mom, when you get older, maybe you won't be scared of spiders.  Like maybe when you're 3."

2. Brae and I were standing at his chalkboard, writing our letters.  All of a sudden, and for no apparent reason he put down the chalk and licked the chalkboard.  He paused. "Hmmm," he said, eyes wide.  "That's good."  (????)

3.  Brae: "Mom, when is my birthday?
     Me: "It's on Halloween.  That's far away."
     Brae: "Too far to drive?"

4.  We've been teaching Brae about "stranger danger."  The other day, we practiced.  I was the stranger.
      Me: "Brae.  Pretend I'm a stranger.  What's your name?"
      Brae: "NO!"
      Me: "Where do you live?"
      Brae: "NO!"
      Me: "What's your phone number?"
      Brae: "NO!"
      Me: "Do you want to come into my car and get some candy?"
      Brae: "Ummmm...."

       

The last week . . .

. . . before my baby girl turns 1.  Emotions run high at the moment.  I'm not ready to let go of this first year. 

The Journey of a Thousand Miles...

...begins with a single step . . . and then a crash into Daddy's iphone.

Siblings

These two cannot get enough of each other.  I have 3 older stepbrothers, but they didn't join our family until I was around 10 years old.  So I don't really know what it is like to have an older brother-younger sister relationship. 

From watching these two, I think it must be pretty special.

Sienna's first word (before even "Mama" or "Dada") was "Brae."   The first word that comes out of her mouth when she wakes up each morning is "Brae," as she's looking around the house for him. 

When she spots him, her face lights up like a Christmas tree.  And his does, too.  Then they race (or in her case, crawl) toward each other, laughing and embracing. 

It absolutely melts my heart. 

They hold hands in the car.  When he leaves the room, she cries.  When she's taking a bath, he has to take one too, even if he's already taken one.  He feeds her.  He sings to her before bed.  She carries the clothes he's worn that day around with her. 

Quite frankly, it's a sibling love affair. 

And they don't share a single gene between them.  Because, well, it just doesn't matter to them. 

***

A couple cute Brae stories:

1) Brae has been in a Spanish immersion daycare/school since he was 13 weeks old.  He's now over 3.5 years old.  The boy speaks Spanish.  My skin-is-whiter-than-snow boy speaks Spanish.  We went to the park this weekend, and he saw a younger boy playing by himself.  He overheard him speaking Spanish to his mother.  Brae approached him near the teeter totter and said, "Esta caliente, no?," pointing to the teeter totter seat (It's hot, isn't it?).  The boy nodded, and then looked to his mother, her mouth gaped open.  I was so proud.

2) Brae is obsessed with basketball.  Yup, still.  He's not content with our 8-foot basketball hoop in the driveway.  He wants to go to the regulation-level basketball hoop down the street.  He'll be there, pj's and barefoot, until the sun sets or until Dad drags him back into the house, kicking and screaming.  This weekend, I took him to his basketball camp (normally Tygh takes him).  As I sat on the bleachers, another mom came up to me and sat next to me.  "You may not know this," she says, "but your son is quite advanced with basketball."  No kidding. 

Brae-isms and Sobering Mother's Day Statistics

Brae: "Mommy, what's your name?
Me: "Britney."
Brae: (stunned that I have a name) (long pause) "Daddy, what's your name?"
Tygh: "Tygh."
Brae: (stunned and puzzled) (another long pause)  "What's Sienna's name?"

***
A conversation you never think you need to have with another human:

Me: "Brae, we don't actually urinate in other people's yards." 

***
And yet, another one:

Me: (noticing that Brae is digging mightily with his hand into his pants, into his underwear, and into his bum) "Brae, what are you doing?"
Brae: (wide-eyed) "Mommy, I have birds in there!"


***

And now, some sobering statistics in honor of Mother's Day that makes you grateful for the people in your life who are your mothers or you treat like your mothers, and for the kids in your life that are your children, or that you just baby like your children (and P.S., I come from a divorced family):

1. 98% of mothers and 90% of fathers hugged their children ages 0 to 2 years of age daily, compared to only 74% of mothers and 50% of fathers who hugged their children ages 10 to 12 years of age daily


2. In 2008, 67% of children ages 0–17 lived with two married parents, down from 77% in 1980


3. Parents in two-parent families spend an average of 2 hours a day interacting with their children compared to only 50 minutes for single-parent families.


4. Moms are getting older and more educated.  In 2008, 14% of new moms were 35 or older, and 10% were in their teens.  Those numbers were the exact opposite in 1990:  There were more moms in their teens back then.

5.Almost 20% of children are cared for by stay-at-home dads.

6. Seventy-two percent of moms with kids over one year old work, which is about the same rate as childless women. In 1976, that rate was only 39%, indicating that working mothers are on the rise. In addition to working, women average 2.2 hours a day on chores each day, and 2.7 hours each day on primary childcare. Working outside the home typically means less depression for mothers, but research indicates that it’s only if moms let go of the idea of being "supermom." Experts suggest that having it all is too much to shoot for. Instead moms should be satisfied with knowing that you can almost have it all.

7.  The 2000 Census indicates that 5.7 million grandparents live with their grandchildren. These grandparents invariably play a role in raising their grandchildren, in whole or in part with the child’s parent(s). Of the grandparents living with grandchildren in 2000, 42% were responsible for them as a primary caregiver.  Newer research indicates that as many as one in 10 children in the US lives with a grandparent, a figure that has risen sharply since the recession began in 2007.

8.  Research indicates that children from divorced homes have more psychological problems than those who come from homes disrupted by death. This bothersome fact is made worse when you consider that half of all American children will witness their parents’ divorce, and of those children from divorced families, almost half of them will see a parent’s second marriage end in divorce as well. Children in divorced families are 50% more likely to develop health problems than two parent families, and are at greater risk of injury, asthma, headaches, and speech defects.

9. Percent of married women ages 15-44 that are infertile or have difficulty carrying to term : 11.8%.

10. 19% of parents in the United States have lost a child, any age, any cause.

Now go hug someone you love.

Content with Discontent

There is always going to be something you are not content with in life.

You wish you made more money.

You wish your boss made less.  

You wish your house were bigger.

You wish your dog were smaller.

You wish your hair were longer.

You wish your nose were shorter.

You wish that your neighbor would not mow his lawn at 6:27 on Saturday mornings, in his tightie whitie tank top, and bright orange track shorts.  Or, at least you wish he looked better doing it.

You've heard the saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."  I say if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you need to take better care of your own lawn.

In my brief 32 years, I'm coming to realize that there is just going to be discontentment, always, in our life.  And the sooner we realize and accept that fact, the better off we will be.

For me,  my biggest source of discontentment right now is that I can't seem to accept the fact that my family may be complete.  I long for a third child.  I feel selfish in that want.  I don't know if it will ever come to pass, or if the desire will ever pass.

I'm coming to realize that even if we did have a third child, there would simply be another source of discontentment that will replace it.

This is just the way life goes, and we are all the better off the sooner we accept it.

This is not our home.  We are not supposed to be comfortable here. 

E-coli

There has been an E-coli breakout in our area with now 15 reported cases, and 5 people in the hospital. Three of those 5 now have kidney failure.  The public health department has traced the source back to raw milk at a local farm.

One of those 5 people in the hospital is a precious little girl (18 months) in Brae and Sienna's school.  In Sienna's class, in fact.  She has been in the hospital for over a week.

The health department was at the school several days last week and determined that the contamination did not come from any food served at the school.

But the health department wanted to talk specifically to me.  Why?  Because just a few days before the breakout, and this child's hospitalization, Sienna was sick.  We had to pull her out of school for 2 days with low-grade fever, vomiting, and diarrhea.  I just thought it was a stomach bug and she'd get better.  And she did.  But, because of the time and location proximity to the breakout and this child's hospitalization, the health department came to my house twice to collect stool samples from Sienna.

We heard this morning that the first test came back "equivocal." 

We just heard that the second test came back as negative.

What this likely means is that the first test was either a false positive or there was cross-contamination during the testing. 

It is likely just a fluke that Sienna was sick around the same time as this breakout, and happens to be in the same class as this little girl that is fighting for her life in the hospital.

Thanking God for healing my daughter, and sparing her a more severe illness, and praying for the children that remain hospitalized in quarantine. 

October Babies

This last Easter weekend, I went to see the movie "October Baby."  For those of you who have not seen it or heard of it, I highly recommend it.  It is a very moving film about a young girl who, at age 19, discovers she is adopted.  Not only is she adopted, but she is the survivor of a failed abortion that is shrouded with secrecy and mystery.  The film is a coming of age for this young girl as she seeks to find her birth mom.  But perhaps one of the neatest points in this film doesn't even happen during the film.  There is a trailer to the movie where one of the main actresses reveals she, in real life, had an abortion at a young age.  With tears streaming down her face, she explains that by being in this movie, she found tremendous healing and forgiveness from God. 

The irony didn't escape me that I have my own October baby.  Brae was born on October 31, 2008. 

And now turning to my October baby, here are some coveted Brae-isms:

1) Brae is very into chapstick.  The other day, Tygh came downstairs to find Brae smearing chapstick all over his face.  Tygh thought, "Hmm.. That is an awfully large chapstick container... Brae, come here.  What? What is that you have in your hand? ... Oh no, Brae, this is not chapstick.  This is a gluestick."

2) Brae loves to play hide-n-seek.  But he hasn't quite grasped the concept.  The other day, he told me to go count to 10, and then to come find him.  He then proceeded to "hide."  After I counted to 10, I wandered around the house looking for him, opening closet doors, looking under furniture. Finally, I made my way upstairs to find him standing, lights on, right in the middle of our bedroom.  "You found me, mama!" he proclaimed.  "Now, mama, come here," as he took my hand.  "I want you to hide right here," he said, pointing to behind the bedroom door.  "You stay here, and then I'll come find you."

3) Me: "Brae, tomorrow is Easter.  We celebrate Easter because it is the day Jesus died and then woke up again.  And only Jesus can do that."
 (Long pause).
Brae: "No, Mommy.  Only big boys can do that."

4) Brae: "Mommy, shut up!"
Me: "Brae, that's not a nice word.  We don't tell people to shut up."
(Long pause).
Brae: "Mommy, shut down!"

5) Brae: "Daddy, what sound does a shoe horn make?"

And some pictures from our Easter weekend... 

Seven Nights

As we drove the fuschia pink Nissan Cube up the freeway, I thought, "I can't go through with this."

We passsed miles and miles of nothingness, getting even farther and farther from our destination.  I was more convinced than ever that we had made a mistake.  There was no way I could possibly survive seven nights of this. 

If you are a parent who has ever gone on vacation - sans kids - you know what I'm talking about.

Friday Night:

-- Grandparents pick up kids.  Ruminate about decision for hours.  Try to fall asleep.  Not successful.

Saturday Morning:

-- 5 am: Barely slept.  Miss kids.  A lot.  Wander around house aimlessly.  Husband puts me in car.

-- 7 am: Airport busy.  Spring break.  Planes down.  Airport clerk informs hundreds of passengers they are stuck for 4 days.  Re-book new flight.  Rent a car.  Not a cute car.  Drive 3.5 hours to Seattle to catch red eye flight.

-- 9 pm: Really miss kids. 

-- Midnight: Catch flight.  Wonder if I'm a good mom.

Sunday:

-- Midday: Have not slept.  Miss kids.  Call grandparents repeatedly.  Listen to sound of Sienna breathing.  Laugh at Brae's sweet voice.

-- Late midday: Arrive in Cabo.  See good friends.  Good weather.  Amazing resort.  Awesome company.

-- Midnight: Toss and turn.  Miss kids.  Dream of kids.

Seven nights of "rinse and repeat" the above schedule. 

Kids probably not scarred.  Mama may be.

So this is what it means to be a mother: To agree that I will forever allow my heart to live outside my body.

Really, really hard to function when my heart is hundreds of miles away.

Not sure I'll be doing this again anytime soon. 

Brae-isms (Part ?)

1. He is all boy.  The other day, after swim class, we went into the locker room to get him in the shower and dressed.  As I was by the lockers gathering his stuff together, I see him pause in front of the shower.  He still had his swim shorts on.  He looked down at his feet.  Then I see this trickle coming down his leg, and pooling onto the concrete floor.  Urine.  Then I see him, without hesitation, scoop down with his right hand and gather up some urine.  Then he proceeds to place his hand directly in his mouth and (gasp) drink his urine. Now if you think that I was standing idly by watching all of this, you are sorely mistaken.  As soon as I saw the urine start to pool, I was running (seemingly in slow motion) to halt the inevitable. 

2. Brae: "Mommy, you are a princess.  Sienna is a princess.  Brae is a BIG boy.  And Daddy is muy grande."

3. Brae: "Mommy, the sun is up really high.  I can't reach it.  I need a ladder." 

4.  Brae and Sienna hold hands in their car seats.  It melts my heart.  I'll look in my rear view mirror and see Brae reaching his hand out to Sienna, and she's reaching her hand out to him.  And then they connect and just clasp on for dear life, and smile. 

Sienna's 9 month stats

Sienna had her 9 month checkup today.  The highlights: 

• We have a lovely, larger than life daughter.  She is 20 lbs, 8 oz.  That is the 85th percentile. [When Brae was 9 months, he weighed 19.5 lbs, which was the 40th percentile for boys]. 
• She is 29 inches.  That is the 95th percentile.  [When Brae was 9 months, he was 28.5 inches, which was the 60th percentile for boys]. 
• She has 8 teeth, with two more on the way.  [When Brae was 9 months, he still only had 2]
• She is extremely strong.  The doctor noticed that even on her first day of life when he remarked that she had very good muscle tone.  She can pull a tall TV tray (with food on it) across the floor.  This is particularly troublesome when the food on the tray belonged to Brae and he was trying to eat it. 
• She has been crawling since 8 months, and has been pulling herself up for the last several weeks.  She is just starting to do some cruising.  I think she'll be walking by age 1.  
• She loves her pureed food, but solids not so much.  When I try to give her something small, even Cheerios, she will often gag.  The doctor said she has a very strong gag reflex.  If she's still not readily manipulating solid foods in her mouth and swallowing by age 1, we may need to see a specialist. 
• She's a great sleeper and napper.  12 hours at night, and 2 naps during the day of 45 minutes - 3 hours.  
• What I can gauge about her personality so far: she's extremely physically active and curious; she loves her brother; she's a friendly child, but is not effusive or gregarious like Brae; she loves baths; she loves being outdoors; she really does not like it when Brae takes away her toys. 

Love this girl.

 

If you have ever adopted, or ever thought about adoption...

This may bring you to tears:

I tiptoed into your room one night.

I watched you sleeping there.

Your tiny body looked so snug

Wrapped in peaceful slumber's care.

I thought of how you came to be

The child we'd longed to know.

I wondered at the sight of you:

"How could she let you go?"

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I

Felt the pain she must have known.

For I will have to let you go

Some day when you are grown.

A mother I might never meet

Had given me her son.

Yet, surely as you've filled my heart,

A piece of hers you'd won.

"How could she let you go?"

The question kept returning.

And in the depths of my own heart.

A question kept on burning.

"How can I ever let you go

When years have come and gone?"

I stood there by your crib until

The nighttime turned to dawn.

And as the sun peeked through the shades,

The voice of God broke through.

"I trusted her to give him life

And now I'm trusting to you.

"To show him what is right and wrong,

to love him and to be

The one who teaches him the way

To come back home to me.

"He wasn't hers to give, you know.

And he's not yours to own.

I've placed him in your life to love

But he is mine … on loan."

-Valerie Kay Gwin   

What you may not know about them

What you may not know about these three kiddos: 

1. Two of them are siblings, those two siblings are first cousins to the other; not one is genetically related.

2. Together, they have Hispanic, Peruvian, Native American, and German blood pulsating through their veins. 

     3. Two of their birthmoms are now friends.   

             4.  One of them was conceived 10 years before birth.

        
  5.  Each one was and is a long-awaited answer to prayer, and proof that God's timing is perfect.