Update.

We had our last (phew!) counseling session for the embryo adoption last night. It was much more fun than the rest. We got to talk about what kind of couple we wanted to be matched with. We said the obvious: good-looking, rich, smart, funny. Shouldn't be a problem.
Then we talked about next steps. Our homestudy is this Monday. Once it is finalized (should take a few weeks with most adoption case workers --will probably take til end of summer with our current one) (just kidding) (maybe), then we get to actually start the matching process with the embryo folks. That will be totally out of our hands. We've put our best face forward with respect to our profile, but it's really up to God (isn't everything?).
We still have some training to do, but that shouldn't hold up the process. I also need to start birth control and do a trial transfer, but I'm holding off on that for now.
I'm realizing Brae is a handful and do I really want more kids?
Silly question.
Ignore it.

Bad News/Good News

Bad news: our homestudy has been postponed until Monday, March 29.

Good news: we've completed the 2nd of our 3 "work sessions" with the Bethany embryo adoption counselor.

Bad news: We do not like these work sessions.

Good news: At least this next work session we get to talk about fun stuff like what we're "looking" for in a genetic match.

Bad news: We have to talk about this stuff for an hour.

Good news: We signed up for the training seminar we have to complete as part of the "new, improved, expanded training required for returning families."

Bad news: Do I even need to say the bad news about this?

Good news: We are able to do some of the training by video.

Bad news: We actually have to watch this video.

Good news: Once the training is complete, our homestudy will be done and we can officially start the matching process with the embryo specialist.

Bad news: This was not the timing I was told in the beginning.

Good news: I am learning to forgive that indiscretion.

Bad news: Depending on how long the matching process takes, we may not have a transfer until late spring, early summer.

Good news: We ultimately trust God is in control and that this is HIS timing we are working under, not ours or anyone else.

Bad news: I am still not convinced this is how God will choose to get us pregnant.

Good news: That's okay, because I remain convinced we will get preggers again one day.

Now for a goosebumps story. About 2 weeks ago, I was feeling overwhelmed with the impression that one day, we were going to have a baby girl (biological or otherwise) and I was to name her Sienna (or some other spelling variation of that). I was literally bombarded with that name for a period of about 3 days. I think in one day, I came across it like 6 times. I felt convinced God was speaking to me: "You will have a girl one day, and you shall name her Sienna."

I told my Bible study group that last week, and said I really ought to look up what that name means. This week, a sweet girl named Sarah asked me if I had looked it up. I said I had not. She said she had been praying for me since the week prior and decided to look up the name of the meaning. She pulled out her baby names book and found a spelling variant of that name that means, get this, "Promise of God."

I had shivers.

Bad news: I do not like the name Sienna.

Good news: God can make me like it.

Update.

We had our first "consultation" with the embryo donation coordinator last Thursday. Our next one is this coming Thursday. We understand this is a process, but honestly, we've done SO much research on embryo adoption, we feel we could be presenting a course on it. That said, it was good for Tygh to hear all the info from the coordinator herself. And, it was really neat to hear him say that he was on board with this process and ready to move full steam ahead. He actually said that the doors have been opening and so there is no reason to not continue. Phew! Thank you, Lord, that it seems I have not dragged my husband into this. He has appeared to come to this decision on his own, in his own time and on his own terms. Love my beau Tygh.

We learned that we have a new 10 hour training requirement to satisfy our homestudy. We suggested we take it by video. They responded that 2 hours of video = 1 hour of in-person training. Are you kidding? Sigh. Ok. We'll do it.

Our homestudy is scheduled for next Wednesday the 24th.

Hopefully we can start the matching process (which can take many months, apparently) in the next few weeks. We are waiting to receive our final application paperwork to start that process.

Yup. It's a process.

Ehhh....

So just spoke with the embryo donation coordinator and she gave me a "come to Jesus" talk, if you will. She said the matching process typically takes 4-5 months (yikes), although it can be much quicker. I feel deceived. Is that too bold of a statement? I feel that we were coaxed into this program under the belief that it would be much faster than that. That said, it is much faster than the NEDC program, so it doesn't feel like a closed door. It just feels like a process we have to perservere through. She's going to have another phone consultation with me and Tygh tomorrow night, and then 2 more after that. She has our profile already, so once we fill out our final application, we should be able to start the matching process. At this point, I think I'm going to hold off "prepping" my body for the transfer (ultrasounds, birth control, etc.) until we actually have a match. So, it's looking like this transfer will NOT happen this spring, but maybe this summer. Again, SO not the timeline I had in mind, but there's not a lot we can do about it. We just continue to trust there is a God rhyme and reason to this.

LORD -- we trust you.

Teeny update.

Just learned (and made my day) that we do NOT have to do one of the live web chats -- the one that was not scheduled until May (woo hoo!). So that means we COULD have a transfer as early as next month if the stars align and the angels sing. It may still not be until May anyway. But looks like all that remains now is our homestudy visit to happen and be written; for us to start the matching process; do some additional training; get some ultrasounds; and start birth control and injections.
Geez-- didn't seem like a lot before I started typing.

Epiphany: Adoption is a PROCESS.

Update: our homestudy visit is scheduled (!) for Wednesday, March 24 at 2 p.m. We're also "supposed" to hear from the Bethany embryo department this week or next to talk about next steps. We've signed up for 5 live web chats that we have to participate in. The last one cannot be done until first part of May, so it is looking like early-mid May is the earliest the transfer could happen. Can I repeat my epiphany: this is a PROCESS. An annoying, cumbersome, burdensome, four-letter-word PROCESS. Sigh. Trying to not let the drudgery of the process curb my enthusiasm. How do you think I'm doing so far?

Still feel a peace that this is what we're supposed to be doing -- again, whether it works or not. God wants us on this road. We hope and pray there is a baby bump that will come out of it, but if not, it was an interesting ride, and we'll go back to the much more familiar and needle-free domestic infant path.

This last weekend I had the joy of meeting a friend who has done embryo adoption successfully and has a beautiful 6 month little baby boy named Caedmon. Good to know the PROCESS works. Tygh also got to meet her and see the baby boy and realize that even frozen snow babies turn out just fine.

Still on the NEDC wait list, although for no particular reason other than that they won't refund the $200 fee that we had to pay to get on the list. So, I'm spiting myself alone I'm sure by just staying on the darn list. I'm stubborn like that.

We've started working on Brae's "big boy" room, and by "working on it" all that means is that about 3 weeks ago I started blue taping the room. Have not done anything to it since. And yet I'm realizing that he has outgrown his baby room and quickly need to get on it. His latest adventure is that he has learned how to open doors. The pantry door is his favorite for obvious reasons. He particularly likes to get the dog biscuits out, and one by one take a biscuit out and mercilessly tease Norm and Lilith as he runs around the house holding the biscuits in his hand and mouth. Eventually, he'll slow down long enough to place one biscuit on the floor, to which Norm and Lilith leap upon, and then the game continues with him running around the house with dog biscuits. Better than scissors, I suppose.

Peace.

Tygh and I have a newfound sense of peace and resolution about proceeding with embryo adoption. Even if it doesn't work. That's right. We believe God is directing us down this path, is providing the open doors, the finances, and will protect us. Even if it doesn't work. We feel we are supposed to be on this path at this time. We don't necessarily know why or what the outcome will be, but we are content with that. We feel squarely within His will right now. So, because of that, although I'm sure it will be devastating if this doesn't "work", meaning achieve a pregnancy, that we still know God is ultimately in control. We believe we will get preggers again one day and give birth, but we just don't know His timing or if this is the way in which it will happen. And for the first time in a long time, I'm okay with that.

We met with the fertility doctor today and it was good. He confirmed that we appear to have an unexplained infertility case. There may be "little" things, but no definite diagnosis as to why we've had difficulty. He seemed very supportive of the embryo adoption, and was even very careful to use supportive language, like calling actually calling it an "adoption." We feel comfortable with him. He wants to be sure to review the quality of the embryos before we are matched with them, which was encouraging, although we know that God has already pre-selected the ones we will get, and even "poor" embryos result in pregnancies.

The plan is that once we are matched, I will do some pre-testing (ultrasounds, etc.) and then start a month of birth conrol pills and 5 days of shots to suppress my natural cycle. Then they give me shots of estrogen. Once I'm good and ready, they do the transfer. The nice thing about frozen transfers is that you can really schedule it to fit your needs. It can be much more planned than a typical IVF cycle.

We hope to hear from Bethany embryo's center this week to talk about the matching process. We're also waiting to hear back from our criminal background check (hopefully next week). Then we can schedule the homestudy visit.

So, as far as timeline, it's looking like the transfer (depending how fast a match happens) will likely be sometime this spring.

The beat goes on.

Updates: The Bethany embryo process has begun. We sent our application fee to them, should arrive on Friday, after which time the director is supposed to call us and help us put our profile together. Apparently, it's just a letter and some pictures. She'll also talk to us about what we're looking for in a match, openness, etc. On the parallel track of our homestudy, we just learned we have to complete 10 hours of new training. A new State requirement for all returning families. I just sigh and wonder why parents who get babies the "traditional" way don't have to go through all this training! Then I just tell myself that we are 'super-equipped' to be parents! Hopefully, though, we can complete the training through a video. It's very hard to be away from Brae for an entire weekend to complete this (silly) training.

I sent in all our homestudy paperwork yesterday, and so now we just wait for our fingerprints to come back clean. Then our homestudy visit can be scheduled.

We have an appt tomorrow am with the fertility doctor who would do the transfer . That should be interesting. Thankfully, my insurance has thus far agreed to continue paying 50% of the costs. PRAISE GOD!

Also on the financial blessing front, we got an email yesterday we are getting a random check from the State for nearly $1200. I'm telling you -- tithing.

My monthly finally came over the weekend. Came, and has already left. Just a brief visit to say hello and that she has not forgotten about me. But I told her I am not taking an OPK test this month to determine when she is arriving. She disappointed me last month, so I've now counted her as a flakey soul. She can show up (or not) whenever she pleases. But I can't promise she will always be welcome. But I told her I was glad she came this month, because if she had not, my gynecologist said he was going to "force" her visit. Nothing worse than a forced visit from someone you do not want to see anyway.

And now for the happy news. I ask my son, "Quien es Brae?" (Who is Brae), and he points to himself and then laughs. I ask him, "Quien es Mommy?" and he points to me and smiles. I ask him "Quien es Daddy?" and he points to himself again and laughs.

I love him.

We are on the NEDC list.

I so wish that statement could be followed by an exclamation point, but I just cannot seem to muster up the energy behind it. I'm so discouraged by the incredibly long wait at NEDC that it does not seem much of a feat to be on a wait list where I'll be waiting more than SIX months just for a consult, and nearly A YEAR for the transfer.

In the meantime, I remain blessedly busy at work and in my personal life that I simply don't have time to dwell on the lack of a second baby blessing right now. I just trust that one day it will come, because I believe God has that in store for us.

Tygh has a doctor's appointment Friday (tomorrow), and that is the LAST document we need before we can ship everything up to the Bethany office and wait for our homestudy to be scheduled. It's also the last document we need to start the matching process for the Bethany embryo part. So, we hope that we can actually start talking to someone at Bethany about our matching preferences, an openness agreement, and a profile by next week!

I also have an appointment with the doctor here who would perform the transfer next Wednesday. I'm kind of excited about that.

This all seems incredibly surreal and sort of out-of-body. I have to say, I'm letting my discouragement get the best of me and have little faith the embryo adoption is actually going to work. Perhaps that stems in large part from the fact I don't trust my body. I still have not gotten a period, and yet still not pregnant. It's like my body is the enemy.

So then I just have to trust God instead, which is hard to do, because He made this body of mine.

Just some honest talk tonight.

A little update.

Well, we are "almost" on the NEDC wait list. Waiting for some bloodwork to come back (hopefully today), and then we're on the NEDC wait list. But we're also simultaneously pursuing the Bethany track. We've been filling out paperwork and watching educational videos. If you are interested, this is a REALLY good video about embryo adoption. Just 30 minutes: http://www.cedaeducation.org/general-public/snow-baby-film-premier-2.html. I've also made an appt. with the fertility doctor here to have a consultation. Turns out, their success rates for frozen embryo transfers are actually HIGHER than the NEDC rates (depending on a variety of variables). That was very reassuring. However, I still think, given the chance, we'd prefer to go through NEDC because it is a Christian organization, but their wait list is just so discouraging. So, we're trying to follow where we feel God is leading. Once our paperwork is complete with the Bethany embryo department (hopefully end of week), then we can start working on a match! In the meantime, the Bethany home study will proceed on a parallel track. We can actually be matched BEFORE the homestudy is complete, which is very cool. The matching process is going very quickly right now through Bethany because there are so many donors, and fewer recipients.

I was asked yesterday what my perfect timeline would be for this transfer. I think 2 months from today would be a realistic/ideal goal. Mid-April to end of April.

And, in the midst of it all, God has been keeping me wonderfully distracted. Work has been crazy busy, which I don't mind. Less time for idle wandering and thinking. Personal life has also been joyfully chaotic. So the embryo adoption seems to be swirling like a satellite in my life. Just don't have time to dwell on it, which I actually prefer.

And then this other strange distraction is that I still have not gotten that elusive monthly visit. Over a week late, but not preggers. Where or where did Aunt Flo vacation this month?

A Change of Plans

It's been a crazy week. First, my period never came (don't go thinking anything). Turns out I likely ovulated, but my hormones didn't get the memo and didn't produce what they needed to to then start a period. Or at least that's what my doctor thinks. So, still no period, but no pregnancy either. Seems like a cruel joke to think you missed your period because of a pregnancy only to find out that's not the case. Such is life inside my body, where my hormones don't seem to always communicate. Thankfully, the doctor thinks it's likely just a fluke month, so he wants me to check back next month to run some hormone tests.

On another note, I've been poked with needles five times this week, including a Tetanus shot that I didn't know I did NOT need until it was too late. The tests are all for the embryo adoption.

And that gets to the next point, the change of plans. Our Tennessee paperwork is almost complete. Just waiting for some bloodwork to come back (because did I mention that the doctor's office "lost" my other bloodwork?). That should come back Monday, at which point we should be on the incredibly long wait list for Tennessee.

But then (and here's the change of plans), I think we're NOT going to go through the Tennessee facility. When I went to drop off our fingerprints to our caseworker, I told her how discouraged I was that the wait was going to be so long. She suggested I look into my other options and what it would be like to go through the Bethany agency all the way. So, I called them this morning, and come to find out they are one of the few agencies that actually have a SURPLUS of embryos. More donors than recipients. So, once our homestudy is complete, the process could move, I quote, "very fast."

So I immediately called Tygh and we decided, what the heck, we'll go through Bethany. We'll probably still be on the NEDC wait list just in case that comes up first because we've already come this far with them and paid the necessary fee to get on the wait list. But we'll likely go through Bethany.

And by going through Bethany, one of our other dillemmas is solved: anonymous vs. open. Bethany only does open adoptions.

Next steps are to wait for our homestudy paperwork to be complete. Tygh has a physical coming up next week, and then we're waiting for our fingerprints/criminal background check to come back clean. After that, our homestudy can take place, and be written.

In the meantime, I've also re-connected with the fertility doctor's office to find out what next steps are there.

On one side, I'm a little relieved the wait won't be quite so long. I'm also (honestly) a little relieved to not have to travel -- to Tennessee or anywhere else. But there are some definite cons to going through Bethany. The cost is a little more expensive, which if it works, we'll recoup with the tax credit. If it doesn't work, we should be able to recoup some, but not all of it. The success rates are (statistically, according to the websites) a little lower going through basically any other fertility facility other than the Tennessee one (I'm convinced that's because God lives in the Tennessee facility!). Hopefully, though, He'll make an appearance at the local facility, too. ; )

And then, if it doesn't work, there is a long wait (at least a few months, probably) until we do the domestic adoption. That will be very hard, no lie.

I'm just SO torn. I've been praying fervently that God reveal His will to me, and I just am so confused as to what it is.

Trying to discern the voice of God and be obedient.

Sigh. More Waiting.

Well, the NEDC received our paperwork, and we are almost complete with our Bethany paperwork. We hope to have our homestudy end of month or early March, and to be approved sometime in March. But, then there is another long wait period. The NEDC just informed me that they are booked through MAY for the initial consult with the doctor. She doesn't think I could have the initial consult until August/Sept., and because they only do the transfers every other month, the transfer will likely not occur until late fall. Ugh. Not the timeline I suspected.

I'm trying to make the best of this, though. If the transfer happens in late fall, and it doesn't work, then we will be prepared to start immediately on the domestic adoption path. If the transfer happened earlier in the summer, and didn't work, there would be a several month lag before we started the domestic path again. The reason is because we plan to use our 2010 tax return (to be received in early 2011) to pay the fee to get on the list. Also, getting on the list at that time allows us to accrue more sick time for maternity leave. So, I was pondering the other day that if the transfer happened over the summer and didn't work, it would be a very long and difficult fall waiting to be on the domestic list again. So I'm trying to see the silver lining. Still, not the timeline I'd hoped for.

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5.

Our Bethany paperwork should arrive in mail today!

I just spoke with the Bethany office, and we (cross fingers) expect the Bethany paperwork to arrive in the mail today, or tomorrow at the latest! As I understand it, the paperwork is much less extensive than the first time around, with the biggest time suck coming from having to get fingerprints. Then, we mail that paperwork off and hope to have our homestudy visit in a couple weeks!

We are also finished with our embryo adoption paperwork, minus some bloodwork that will be sent to the NEDC. I plan to send the paperwork tomorrow.

I can hardly believe how fast this process is moving already. With any luck (and some help from a certain Man upstairs) we should be able to have our first visit at the NEDC this spring! And then maybe a transfer by late spring or early summer.... okay, keep my hopes in check.

Still very exciting!

Our Embryo Adoption Paperwork Has Arrived!

Yay! There are a boatload of forms to fill out, one of which prompted a discussion between me and Tygh about whether we wanted to go anonymous or open. I'm leaning more toward anonymous; Tygh is leaning more toward open. So, we decided to remain open to either one at this point. Hopefully God will prompt our heart one way over the other.

On our to-do list is filling out a bunch of forms and getting them notarized. We've already submitted several forms online describing ourselves, our marriage, our lives, etc.

We also need to get some blood screening work done to rule out STDs, HIV, etc.

Then we need to create a letter to the donating family. Apparently, even anonymous donors sometimes get to choose the recipients, even if it's just sort of an "approval" check the box deal. With this letter we need to submit 3 photos.

With the packet came information that the quickest anyone has gone through the process is 6 months. I'm all about breaking records!

We hope to get our paperwork done stat! (or at least by next week), and have everything sent to the center in Tennessee.

We're still waiting for our paperwork from Bethany so we can start the homestudy process.

And just before I sat down to wrote this blog, I peeked in on my baby boy sleeping soundly and so sweetly. I cannot wait to give him siblings.

I hope this process works.

God: YOU ARE IN CONTROL.

Brae is 15 months old!

From Brae:

I now weigh almost 23 pounds (25th percentile). I am 31 inches long (about 50th percentile). And I have a big head (about 80th percentile).

Doctor said today, quote: "He is the happiest baby I've ever seen at this age."

I can say about a dozen words, both Spanish and English. Luckily, I can count "no" as a dual-language word.

I like to take off my diaper and be naked. A lot.

My molars are through, so my K-9s are next. Ouch.

(Almost) All Signs Point Towards Go!

I met with our caseworker today and it turned into a mini-counseling session as well. She told me point blank: Just do it. It really isn't fair to be on the domestic path if my heart isn't into it. This really is the best time to do it for a lot of reasons. Financially, it appears God will provide the funds. Timing, this year really is kind of a "holding" year in that we don't really want a child this year, but would love to be pregnant. Physically, I ain't gettin' any younger, so mind as well try now. And legally, it looks like with embryo adoption and getting the tax credit, the sooner you can do it, the better. Plus, there will be no lingering regrets or doubts in my head if we at least attempt it.

I plan to send the payment for our final Bethany application tomorrow, and our caseworker said she will switch us over to the embryo adoption path (yikes!). Then we wait for our homestudy packet to be sent to us. It apparently is much more simple this time around. Then our caseworker thinks we should be able to have a homestudy visit mid-February.

Pending a final talk with the hubby tonight, I think I'll also submit our application to the Tennessee donation center to get the paperwork started there. Hopefully if we get into their system now we can avoid some additional fees that they plan to implement.

I feel the roller coaster coming!

BUT the COOLEST thing that happened today is that Brae said "agua" and pointed to his sippy cup!

Accountant is on board!

We had our tax appointment today and our accountant is on board with trying to claim the adoption tax credit if we do embryo adoption. We acknowledge it is a unique interpretation of the credit, but we do know it has been advanced before with success. And, worse that could happen is that the IRS says no and we'd have to give any money received back. Our accountant would like to see the "transaction" "completed" by year's end to make for a clean return. That would mean that the embryo adoption would have to work, and we'd have to give birth by December 31. That is likely NOT going to happen, but it is more incentive to truck along.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with our case worker. Hopefully, we won't hear anything new from her tomorrow, but just confirm what we've already learned through our research. Then, we will likely pay for our final application (which is necessary anyway if we did domestic adoption), and then set up our homestudy! (also necessary for the domestic adoption).

On a side note, I'm feeling not AS excited about doing embryo adoption as I was even a week ago. I blame it on hormones. But I also think I'm just enjoying Brae so much and his entry into toddler years, and that we've started planning/decorating for his "big boy" room. Although the thought of being pregnant overjoys me, the return to those infant days does not. But then I look at Brae and I so BADLY want to give him a sibling, and one that is close in age, so that urges me on. The door to embryo adoption has not been closed, in fact, doors are opening, but I'm just left wondering why we are on this path to begin with.

I know God blesses each person differently, and we are so blessed by Brae. So there is no reason to think God will not similarly bless us with another child, however that child comes.

New post after the meeting tomorrow!

Leaning Toward...

It is so hard to know when God is leading you down one path, or whether your heart is, or whether they are one in the same.

In doing more research, and in examining my own heart, I am being more drawn to pursue embryo adoption than domestic adoption at this point. We have been blessed to come into contact with now two women who have traveled this path successfully, and their stories have greatly educated and informed us. Basically, there are 3 main agencies that do embryo adoption. There is the National Embryo Donation Center in Tennessee, Bethany (our adoption agency), and Snowflakes. NEDC is the least expensive of all of these. In fact, (although more research needs to be done), it appears that we could likely fund the entire embryo adoption with what we expect will be our tax refund from 2009. If that's the case, then we could use this "funny money" to see if embryo adoption works for us. If it doesn't, then we will actually be a little better off pursuing domestic adoption afterwards than we are now. That is because in doing the embryo adoption process, even if it fails, we would have already completed our homestudy that could be used toward the domestic adoption. And, even if embryo adoption fails and we pursue domestic adoption afterwards, we will have had the benefit of additional time. Additional time to keep paying down our current adoption loan, for me to accrue more sick time for maternity leave, etc. So, even if embryo adoption fails, it sort of seems "no harm, no foul."

Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that.

If we pursue embryo adoption in this way, we will likely not also simultaenously pursue domestic adoption. This is because to be on both lists actually requires the higher payment of domestic adoption, even if we end up doing embryo adoption. So, it doesn't really make sense if what we really want to do is embryo adoption.

I say "we," and of course I mostly mean "me," as it is my desire to be pregnant that is driving a lot of this. Praise God I have an amazing and supportive husband who just wants me to be happy. I know the thought of pursuing embryo adoption is hard for him because there are no guarantees. And I could end up flat on my face, a la two years ago when we experienced our other pregnancy failures. And he's the one that has to lift me up from that devastation. So, he is more reserved than I am. My personality is "go, go, go"; don't give up; just keep on perservering. I have to believe God made me that way, although I frequently find myself fighting against it.

And then I get back to "why?!" are we even in this position? Why does it have to be so hard for us to grow our family? I know all of the Sunday school answers, but sometimes, they provide little comfort. Do I have release from God to actually pursue embryo adoption? I thought I did when we did our other fertility treatment, and they failed. So was I wrong? Did I really not follow God's leading or prompting? Was I trying to pursue my own selfish agenda? Were they good ideas, but just not God-ideas? I don't know.

We've been asking ourselves, "when is enough enough?" I think just about every couple fighting a battle like this has to ask themselves that. For me, enough is enough when our family is complete. That's the party line. But to dig down even further, I think enough is enough for me if we pursue embryo adoption and it fails. At that point, we will literally have pursued (almost) every medical procedure available, and still be left with the fact we got pregnant on our own, and then miscarried. Those medical procedures we will have not tried we have already made the decision they are not right for us.

So, in summary, we have an appointment on Jan. 26 with our accountant where we can further explore how the adoption tax credit could apply. Even if it didn't cover all the costs (which it likely won't), this avenue is still much less expensive than any other avenue, especially if our tax refund covers most of it. We also have an appointment with our caseworker for the following week, who would do our homestudy update (which is required whether we did embryo adoption or domestic). Then we have an appointment the second week of February with my Ob/gyn to confirm I have no contraindications to pregnancy. And, at this point, I have an appointment with a fertility doctor for the following week who would do the transfer. That appointment will likely get cancelled. Because (and I failed to mention this earlier), if we go through NEDC, we have to fly to Tennessee twice to have the transfer done. (Never been to Tennessee! Up for an adventure!). So there is no need for a fertility doctor here. (And an added coolness is that the NEDC doctor is a Christian!).

After the OB/gyn appointment, Tygh and I will need to make a definite decision as a team. Because whatever we decide, it has to be as a team, and not me dragging him in one direction.

Then, if we decide to pursue only embryo adoption, there are a host of other dilemmas. Do we do an anonymous donation? When would we do the transfer? How many embryos do you transfer?

Or, in the end, we may decide to forego embryo adoption and just pursue domestic. That's not my heart's desire, however, at this point. I'd rather first try embryo adoption, and then do domestic adoption if it failed. Like I said, it feels like a perfect time because we'd have some "funny money" to play with, and the benefit of time. We are not actually ready to have a baby join our home this year, but we'd love to be pregnant this year.

Or, in the end, we may have a failed embryo adoption, and end up pursuing domestic adoption anyway.

I just don't know. It's actually a very helpless and uncomfortable feeling to just say, 'I just don't know.'

"I'm living by faith, and not by sight." -- 2 Corinthians 5:7

How, oh how, will the next child come?

We've done some more thinking about our second adoption and trying to seek God's will. We're not in a rush this time (as we were with Brae!), so we feel we have time on our side. We are obviously open to domestic adoption again, but there is still the longing in my heart to experience pregnancy. It would have been amazing to have carried Brae and given birth to him. Neither Tygh nor I have a super strong desire to have a biological child (though that would be a miracle!), but I have a super strong desire to experience pregnancy and labor and delivery -- even if I complain the whole way through! Because of that, the natural option for us to explore is embryo adoption.

If you are not familiar with embryo adoption, it is when couples who have undergone IVF have remaining embryos that they have frozen. These embryos remain frozen forever, get destroyed, or the newest option is embryo adoption. Our adoption agency facilitates embryo adoption. The process is very similar to domestic adoption in that the same profile book we would use for domestic adoption and be shown to birthparents, could also be used in embryo adoption and shown to genetic families. Our agency even allows adoptive families to be on the wait lists for both at the same time. The wait period for embryo adoption is also considerably less than a returning family for domestic adoption. The average wait to be chosen by a genetic family is a few months. The average wait to be chosen by a birthmom for a second adoption is 18 months. Of course, with embryo adoption, the adopted family has a little more control as to when the baby could arrive. We would not have to implant the embryos right away. Whereas, a birthmom could be due in a matter of weeks! That way, we could really allow God's will to be seen.

If a genetic family chooses us, we have the option of "choosing" them back, similar to domestic adoption. We would have access to all of their medical files, and present those to our doctor to see if it would be a good match. If we "choose" the genetic family back, then we would accept all of the frozen embryos they have. We would complete the proper adoption paperwork with the agency, and have the embryos shipped to the facility we've chosen to do the implantation. The embryos would then be "thawed" (success rate about 55% for each embryo), and the remaining embryos would either be implanted or "re-frozen." Our fertility doctor had previously advised us that they would recommend transferring 3 to us to ensure the best chance that one will make it.

The process for embryo adoption implantation is much simpler than IVF, and consequently, much less expensive. My insurance company has even advised me they would pay 50% of the medical costs (here's hoping!). The embryo adoption fee is also considerably less than domestic adoption. If the implantation is a success, then hooray! We are pregnant! If it is not a success, the agency allows us to go through the process two more times to try and be matched with a genetic family. After that, if those times fail too, the adoptive family can choose to pay a modest fee to be re-matched again, or stop. Tygh and I have decided if the embryo adoption failed three times, we would stop and just continue down the domestic adoption path. You have to draw the line at some point.

You may be wondering how do you tell your child that he or she is the product of embryo adoption? Good question. I have spoken with a gal who got triplets (!) through embryo adoption and she likes to tell her kids that "God put them in Mommy's tummy as seeds." I like that. Obviously, as the child gets older, more will be revealed. There is also the option to have a semi-open adoption agreement with the genetic families similar to domestic adoption, so the child could know where he/she came from biologically.

Embryo adoption also removes a barrier we see with domestic adoption. And that is the concern some adopted children have with the fact they did not come from Mommy's tummy (this concern is apparently seen more in adopted girls than boys). Embryo adoption allows for those children to come from Mommy's tummy, if not from Mommy's blood. There is also the discussion that will have to be had with the child about the fact that he/she was frozen for a time. Certainly, there are sensitive discussions adoptive parents need to be prepared for whenever dealing with adoption -- of any kind -- domestic, international, or embryo. The point is that the child must know that his or her life is (and always has been --even from an embryo) valued, and that he or she is the product of love and that his or her parents (Tygh and me) love him or her with all of our hearts, and are grateful for the gift God has given us.

There is still MUCH more to research and discuss and pray about with embryo adoption. We hope to make a decision at the end of next February. We have several meetings lined up for next January and February with our accountant to talk about the adoption tax credit and its applicability to embryo adoption (if it doesn't apply, we likely won't do embryo adoption), our agency case worker, and several doctors to talk about the medical details. Then, even if we choose to be on both lists, God's will may be seen in having us chosen by a birthmom first, and not a genetic family. In either case, we are thrilled to see how God continues to grow our family!

Our baby boy turns 1!

It's so unbelievable that this time last year, I was on maternity leave and enjoying my newborn son. I was still on the roller coaster of emotions, still in awe of God's faithfulness, and still not sleeping a wink. I constantly teetered between shouting for joy, sitting silently in fascination, and weeping at God's goodness. My son had finally arrived. The desert walk was over (for the time), and it was time for the harvest celebration. (How fitting that Brae arrived on Halloween or Harvest Day).

Years of praying and waiting for this moment were a thing of the past. God had responded mightily and blessed us abundantly with our son. For so long, I'd grown so accustomed to being on my knees, face in hands, filling those hands with tears. I'd grown so close and intimate with God, I felt comfortable on my knees. It was actually a little unnerving to leave that place. But, the time had come. God wanted me to get off my knees and move those legs into dancing! It was time for REJOICING!

Becoming a mother has taught me so many things. The most apparent of which is that agreeing to be a parent means that you also agree to allow your heart to forever live outside of your body. That is so true. I would walk in front of a semi truck to save my son. I literally would do just about ANYTHING to ensure my son's safety, security, health, and happiness. He means THAT much to me. He is MINE.

What is even more amazing is that he is actually God's, and that God loves him even more than I do. He loves me that much, too. It is unfathomable that anyone could love my son more than me. But my God does.

My God is good; He is great; He is holy. He provides unthinkable things to His children. Blessings beyond my comprehension. There was a time when I didn't think I could love a child that I didn't bear from my body as much as one that I did.

I was wrong. So, so wrong. Second to God and my husband, I love Brae than anything or anyone else.

Thank you, Lord, that you gave to me so much more than I could even dream. Thank you for my son.

Happy birthday, son. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. But God loves you more.