A visit with the birthmother.

Yesterday was a very special day. We got to see Brae's birthmom for the first time since his birth nearly 2 years ago. Up until this time, she has not been ready to see him. Brae also got to see his biological grandmother and grandfather. But perhaps the most special treat was getting to meet his half sister for the first time, who is just 3 years older than him.

We met at a park in our BM's hometown. Tygh and Brae and I were down playing with some ducks when we saw her come down. I must say, I was relieved. I was a little afraid she may not show up.

We embraced and I told her how good it was to see her. She admitted to having a little bit of a panic attack in the car, and had changed her mind a few times as to whether or not she would come. I'm so grateful she did.

Brae was uncharacteristically shy at first, that is until his half-sister just bounded up to him and they started playing "tag." It was adorable. They are the spitting image of one another (as you can tell). And same personality, same giggle, even same facial expressions. It was priceless.

We made small talk, but mostly just watched the newly united siblings play. It was a surreal moment.

It was a brief visit -- only 45 minutes -- unlike the hours long visits with Brae's birthfather's side of the family. But I think it was exactly what our BM needed. She knew she had selected the meeting location -- a park -- that has absolutely no kid-friendly objects. No swings. No playground. Nothing. A bare, but beautiful, adult park. So the second the conversation waned just a little, I could tell she was ready to go.

As we walked back to our car, I told her I hoped we could do this every year. She looked at me and smiled, with tears in her eyes. I told her I wanted Brae to know who she was, and to know who his half-sister was.

She nodded in agreement. She wanted that too.

We embraced again. This time, it was long, and it was hard. She wouldn't let go. She hugged me with everything in her and we both said, "I love you."

I told her to not be a stranger.

And as we departed, Brae's half-sister waved and said, "Bye, brother."

I am blessed.

Two years ago tomorrow.

Two years ago tomorrow, I was in a strange place. We had just done IVF, and it had failed. We had been chosen by a birthmom to parent the child she carried, and she was due any day now. Yet, we hadn't heard anything from her for a while, and we didn't know if she was going to change her mind.

So, there I sat, just completely surrendered to whatever God was doing. I had a range of emotions going through me. I sat at my computer, and here are excerpts from what I wrote:

********************

"Today is October 23, 2008. For the last year and half, my amazing husband and I have been trying to conceive a child. It's been a long and weary road. There are so many things I want to share about this journey, so many incredible lows and unbelievable highs, and the glimpses of God's character I've witnessed, and yet, the journey is not over. About a month ago, we were chosen by a birthmom to adopt her unborn child. As of today, we are still waiting for that call telling us she is in labor and we can go meet our child. When this journey was over and I had a baby in my arms, then I wanted to give my testimony. I needed to know it would have a happy ending. And yet, as I sit here, I feel compelled to share my testimony now, before I know the outcome (will she change her mind?). And that scares me.

I believe God wants me to write this testimony now, no matter what the outcome is, because He will be the same. His character will be the same. It is so easy to be joyful and have faith when God is answering your prayers with a "yes," and pouring out blessings. It is much harder to be joyful when His face is hidden. And yet, He is the same through it all.

As a girl, you take life for granted and just presume God will allow you to get pregnant. Isn't that what He says in the Bible? Be fruitful and multiply. Aren't those with their quivers full of arrows supposed to be blessed? (Come to find out children are A gift from God; they are not THE gift).

During this very lonely time of miscarrying and then having IVF fail, I came across this great quote: "It is a glorious thing to know our Father in Heaven makes no mistake in directing or permitting that which crosses the path of our life. It is the glory of God to conceal a matter. It is our glory to trust Him, no matter what."

While on the adoption wait list, we had 9 failed leads. I felt lost. I felt abandoned. I felt like God had given up on me. I was being punished. I knew the only comfort I could find would be in God's Word, and yet I was so angry with Him. He'd taken away my hopes, my dreams, and I was forgotten. My prayers went unheard, unanswered, lost in the gap between here and heaven. Every door I knocked on was shut in my face. I was running into one brick wall after the other. And God just let me. Didn't God know I was going to give Him the glory if He gave me a baby? And didn't He want to be glorified?

I know now that God is not a Magic 8 ball. The heart of prayer is communication, and not just receiving what we ask.

I wish I could say there was one single turning point that just caused me to trust God. There was not. It was a progression. And it wasn't sequential. I'd have great strides in my faith, and then I would fall back into hopelessness and refuse to talk to God. At some point, though, I knew I was not walking by sight. I was walking by faith alone. I simply had to trust and believe my pain was not in vain. I was living out a purpose.

God's favor and His person are not synonymous. If my trust is in manifestations of God's blessing and favor on me rather than in God Himself, I will crumble and fail when He calls me to walk a distance of my journey entirely by faith, and not by sight.

I knew I was not waiting on man, I was waiting on God. I learned that when we sow in tears with the seed (God's Word), we will reap a harvest of joy. Don't give up. The harvest will come. That's just God's way.

My circumstances have not changed much in these last 18 months. I didn't have a baby then, and I don't today. But in my suffering, the circumstances of my heart are changed through a keen sense of God's presence and a lively perception of His activity.

And then I came across another quote: "God knows when something glorious in the future necessitates something difficult in the present. Because God knows the glory that is in store, He will risk being misunderstood. Yes, God wants us to have fulfilling, glorious, joyful lives. But He also wants us to have crowns to cast. Character to build. Rewards to receive. Testimonies to tell. Compassion to give. In the midst of those difficult times, God makes BOLD promises."

As I sit here and write this, on October 23, 2008, I don't know the end to this testimony. Will this be a testimony about answered prayer? Will this be a testimony about trusting God even in the midst of hopelessness? I believe it's both, but mostly, I believe it's a testimony about perserverence. It's a testimony about allowing God to prune you so you can be more fruitful. It's about knowing He is God despite my fluctuating circumstances. It's about knowing that my God is FOR me, not against me. He wants only the very best for me. He has a perfect plan for me. He's the God of perfect timing. I need to allow Him to give me that perfect gift, at the perfect time."

**************************

Six days after I wrote that, we got a call from our agency saying our birthmom was going to be induced in 2 days, and that tomorrow, we should start driving down to her hometown.

Eight days after I wrote that, our son was born. We were there, and I cut the cord.

Nine days after I wrote that, we brought our son home.

Six months after I wrote that, our baby boy was declared by the courts to be legally ours.

Now, nearly two years to the day that I wrote that, God has placed a sibling for our son in my womb through the miracle of embryo adoption.

What a journey.

What is really the best part.

The best part of this whole journey was not the positive pregnancy test. It was not seeing the doubling of the numbers. It was not seeing the heartbeat. It was not hearing the heartbeat. It was not even seeing the stronger heartbeat after the slower heartbeat.

The best part of this journey is not waiting for a baby bump, waiting for the baby shower, waiting to deliver, waiting to hold this child.

The best part of this journey is none of those.

The best part of this journey is the intimacy with my God that I've experienced. The best part of any wilderness season is the closeness and dependence you feel on your Savior. The best part of this trial is falling on my face each day (sometimes multiple times), thanking God in the midst of my circumstances, and relying on Him each day to provide for me.

That is, by far, the very best part of my life.

Thank you, Thank you.

Thank you for all of your prayers and thoughts. They mean so much to me!

The awesomely wonderful news is that our little diamond ring (that's what it look like on the screen) has a heart rate now of 121 bpm! And has grown from 2.8mm to 6.8mm in just 4 days!

Thank you, Jesus!

Next freak out will be at the 9 week appointment.... Just kidding! I'm trying really really hard to stress less, trust more! Thanks for bearing with me, ladies!

xoxo

Heartbeat.

I hesitated posting anything about this, but in the spirit of transparency and seeking support and prayer on this journey, I'm going to share.

As you know, we had our ultrasound on Monday. I was "six weeks, zero days," as the doctor kept reminding me. The heartbeat was 90 bpm. She said that was fine, considering I was, again, "six weeks, zero days."

However, I had my phone consult today with NEDC and my dr. there was slightly concerned that the heart rate was on the slower side. He suggested I get an ultrasound in the next few days. Being me, that has to be tomorrow. He'd like to see a heartbeat around/over 100 by tomorrow.

I'm writing to ask for your prayers. Please pray that this little being is growing strong and healthy and that we see a strong heartbeat tomorrow.

I'm clinging to a verse sent to me today by a dear friend:

"blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45

I know that this baby never was, nor will ever be mine. It is God's gift to me, but this child is ultimately His. I know and trust that He is in control and He was not surprised that we've encountered this bump. I continue to cling to the belief that we will deliver this child.

That's all I have and all I can do.

God spoke.

We had our 6 week ultrasound today.... and saw (and heard!) one heartbeat!

It was funny because the doctor at my outside monitoring facility walked in and said, "You are 6 weeks, zero days today. I do not expect to see a hearbeat. WE (our facility) does not schedule ultrasounds until at least 7.5 weeks. "

I didn't know how to respond to this, so I just clenched my husband's hand tighter, kept my arm over my face, and just prayed.

Sure enough, there was that blessed flicker. A hearbeat. I squeezed my husband's hand even tighter.

Then she said, "You know, you normally can't hear a heartbeat, but you're so thin, we might be able to." And sure enough, "chug... chug... chug...chug". 90 beats per minute, which she said was good for again, repeating very sternly to me "Just 6 weeks, Zero days."

Now to the title of this post. God is amazing (duh). But I'd been praying earnestly and trying to seek His voice. I was starting to get confused between His voice, and my own voice of fear. Every once in a while, I'd get some clarity, but then my Fear Voice would just trample all over it.

But in the midst of the chaos, God has been telling me for a while that He took one baby home, but that we'd see a heartbeat today.

And that's just what He did.

Just some honesty.

I'm told we're pregnant. I believe we're pregnant. Yet, some days, I don't "feel" pregnant. And that worries me. I start getting all anxious and in a tizzy, and it's just a mess.

In those moments, I fall flat on my face, confess it, and just pray that God continues to grow this baby(ies) inside of me.

I confess I compare my beta number with others (I'm sorry --I crinkle my nose to even say that out loud). I try not to get wrapped up in symptoms (or lack thereof), but I do.

And it's in these times when I'm flat on my face, just crying out, that God just comforts me. He tells me to rely on Him, not symptoms. To trust Him, not a number. That it's in these times when I don't "feel" preggo, that I need to remind myself of what I believe He's told us from the beginning -- this will be a sustained pregnancy that will result in a healthy delivery. But it's between now and this point where I'm going to have to trust Him, repeatedly.

Someone who struggled with infertility once told me that she thought the worrying stopped with a positive pregnancy tset. Then she thought it would stop with an ultrasound. Then she thought it would stop with a heartbeat. Then she thought it would stop with the second trimester. Then she thought it would stop when she got to the hospital to deliver. Then she thought it would stop when that baby was in her arms. And now, as a mom to a living, breathing child, she realized you never stop worrying for your child.

To be a mom means that you agree to forever have your heart live outside of your body.

I agree with that.

Lord -- I hold this baby (or babies) with lose and open hands. They were never mine to begin with, and even when (not if!) I deliver it/them, I will only continue to be the steward of this gift on earth.

More than doubled!

Just got our second beta back. First number was 77. Second number was 175.2! (And actually, the tests were taken just shy of 48 hours from one another). Next step is ultrasound!

I am in shock. In disbelief. I'm shaking. I can't stop thanking Jesus for this gift. This free gift that I did nothing to deserve. I'm not worthy of this gift. It's just a free expression of His love. (Please don't take this to mean that all the other times when He didn't give this gift, or to those He has not yet given this gift, means that He DOESN'T love me/us).

I'm just speechless. And so thankful.

And you will never, ever hear me complain about any of the symptoms. Each precious symptom is a simple reminder of the miracle.

"Good News"

We are pregnant! Our beta came back at 77. I finally took a HPT and it was positive!

The sweet, sweet God story behind this is that last night, I got on my knees as I usually do and just prayed and cried out. And then I listened for God to speak. He did, and He said the same thing I've heard from Him before -- "Trust Me."

Except, last night, I heard something else. It was just a still, small voice that said also, "You will get good news tomorrow." And then it just vanished. I believed it to be God, but was still in shock.

And on my way to meet my husband today so we could listen to the voice mail from Nurse Mary together, I was shaking with nerves. Crying. And Jesus and I had a conversation. It went something like this:

Me: Jesus, was that you last night when you said that?
Jesus: Yes. You will get good news today.
Me: Because You know I'm going to question everything I think I've ever heard from you if it's not good news.
Jesus: I know that.
Me: Are you really here, Jesus? Talking to me?
Jesus: Yes.

And then, the first thing out of Nurse Mary's sweet Tennessean mouth on my voice mail, "Britney, it's good news."

*******************************

Of course, we all know this is very early and we're not out of the woods yet. However, I'm going to pray, choosing to believe, with great faith and expectation, that this is a viable pregnancy and we will be blessed with a child. However, I also believe this pregnancy will try my faith like no other, and I'm going to be asked to trust Him to the bitter end.

Thank you, Jesus!

I am afraid.

I am afraid. I am afraid for the phone call that will come Tuesday afternoon. I am afraid the news will not be good.

God knew this. And He told me to come to church today. Because our pastor was going to talk about f.e.a.r.

The message today was about when Jesus went into the Garden of Gethsemene shortly before His death. He knew He was going to die. And it was going to be a very painful death on the cross. He was terrified. Horrified. Scared out of His mind.

And what did He do? He prayed. He cried out in inutterable words the feelings of His heart. And He asked God to spare Him the pain. He begged God to "take the cup" from Him so He wouldn't have to go through all the agony.

But, then, He did something remarkable. In the midst of those cries, He surrendered to God's will. He BEGGED His father to not have Him go through an agonizing death on the cross, but then, immediately after, He said that if it was God's will for Him to do so, He wanted that more. He wanted what God wanted more than to be spared the pain. (And can you imagine where we'd all be if God had shown mercy to Jesus at that point and spared Him the cross? Yikes).

So, here I am, not nearly in the same level of fear, but I am afraid.

We are going through a series now called "the Jesus experiment", where we are challenged to live like Christ. So, in my fear, I'm surrendering (yes, again). I'm asking (begging, really) that God spare us the pain of another "failure".

However, in the next breath, I'm asking that His will be done. I know it's a better plan, from a better perspective, than my own.

Facebook posting from second donor.

I have tears in my eyes. I am in awe at the goodness of our God.

I (ashamedly) admit that I voyeur our second donor's Facebook profile (have not friend requested). But her profile allows you to see her wall postings. This is the donor from Michigan whose embryos were not thawed this time because our "first" donors' thawed and were transferred.

Anyway, I just saw her Facebook posting and am moved to tears:

"The couple who adopted our embryos did their first transfer over the weekend. The first donors thawed good so they used theirs first (they will use ours next time, hopefully in a couple of years). Please everyone pray for this family that they are pregnant. They are the nicest, sweetest family."


And.. bonus... 7 people "liked" it and 3 said they are praying for us!

Wow. I'm so humbled.

If it's negative.

If the beta is negative, it will not be my fault.

I know you all are going "duh!", but for me, this is an important truth I need to understand. You see, I am a master at self-preservation and have had this mountain of a wall around me to protect my heart from another phone call saying, to me, that I failed. Again.

This is an area I'm really trying to work on in my life. And I believe God has used our infertility struggle to help me change this attitude.

So, if it is negative, all it means is that God said "no" or "not yet", and He allowed this pregnancy to not be viable. I will still believe that He directed us on this path, but I may not understand the purpose. Maybe not even on this side of heaven. If it is negative, I didn't do anything wrong. God is bigger than my failing body, so if He wanted it, it could have happened. That it didn't, I can't control.

If it is negative, I will continue to praise Him. It will definitely be a choice, not necessarily driven by feeling. It will be a step of obedience taken without the assurance of a changed circumstance or the elimination of a trial. It will be praise focused on God, not the circumstance, and I will fix my gaze upon God's truth and His character instead of the trial at hand.

THE OUTCOME IS NEITHER MY RESPONSIBILITY NOR MY GOAL.

Praise begins and ends with faith in the very nature, personality, and integrity of God. And that never changes.

No matter what lies ahead, God is faithful.

At this point, these embryos are either with Jesus, or God willing, we will be able to introduce them to Him. I can't be too upset about either one of those.

And from a practical standpoint, we still have 4 embryos we have adopted who have donors that are counting on us.

So, unless God directs us otherwise, we will return to Tenn in November.

** On a side note, I plan on taking the the blood test Tuesday, and working from home the rest of the day. I will not answer any phone call from Tenn until Tygh is with me. And, if it's negative, I will be sad. I will cry. It will hurt. And I plan on arming myself with a one-pager of uplifting statements and verses to ward off the lies that will otherwise be piling up in my head. If any of you have some positive, inspirational sayings or verses you'd like to share (and that you'd want to hear in my position), please pass them on.

An email from our donor.

This evening, I received the most amazing email from our first donor, whom I had emailed earlier to tell her the results.

This is an excerpt from her email. I am so truly humbled and honored to have been a part of this process.

"When I received this email I was with my daughter walking into Saturday Mass. I had such a sense of overwhelming peace when I read it just outside the church. It feels like our (and I'm including both of you in the "our") babies have found their home. This feels like it was written in God's plans and it is so very right. I spent the mass praying and thanking God for the two babies, asking that they find their new home with their mommy a safe and healthy place to develop into full term babies. You both have been an answer to our prayers."

Wow. Just wow.

PUPO with twins!

Let's start with the positive news -- Tygh and I are officially PUPO with twins! This is not necessarily unfamiliar territory because we have been PUPO with twins before (IVF). But these twins we have adopted.

Now for the news to get to that positive news.

I was initially bummed that our appointment was at 1:30 today. However, that ended up being a tremendous blessing in disguise. Last night, I was privileged to have dinner with a fellow EA mom who had her transfer on Thursday -- also PUPO with twins. She and her husband introduced us to Calhoun's -- The Best of Tennessee restaurant. Barbeque you could die for! It was an awesome evening of fellowship. They prayed for us twice, and once with Tygh putting his hand on my belly. Prayed that God had created the optimum level in my womb to receive these embryos, and that they would snuggle in and continue to grow. I feel so blessed to have connected with her -- Thank you Krisa!

When we got back to the hotel, Tygh and I were both beat. But apparently not beat enough to cause a restful sleep. I was up every 2 hours going pee (sensitive bladder, especially when I'm anxious/excited/nervous), and Tygh was just restless all night too. So we did get a chance to at least be restless together until about 10 am this morning.

Then I took some of my meds I'm supposed to take -- one of them a heavy duty antibiotic. That I took on an empty stomach. Bad. Bad. Bad idea. (TMI warning) -- I puked in the toilet. Just a few hours before the transfer.

Then we got to the clinic and, during our mock trial in June, I had overfilled my bladder and it was MISERABLE. So this time, I tried to pace myself. I have a history of UT infections, so I have an especially sensitive bladder. However, I was apparently not full enough and so they had to put a catheter in me and fill me up to the brim. They they squirted ALCOHOL inside of me. Can you talk about major major major burning? I went through 4 nurse hands because I was squeezing so hard and crying. So painful. They kept telling me to just relax. And one of the nurses, bless her heart, tried to "take me to the beach" in my mind. My beach was not warm and sandy. It was rainy and rocky. Not good at mental visuals when I'm in pain.

Then they transferred the 2 embryos. They had thawed three, but one didn't survive. The 2 are from our "first" donor, from Ohio. The embryologist graded them 3AA and 4AB, and they were expanding blasts. I don't pretend to know all of what that means, except I think the best of the best is a grade of 6AA with hatching blasts. But God is in control.

Then I rested in the recovery room and had a bedpan for the whole time. Such a relief! And I got to meet Ashley -- another blogger. What a treat. And then I connected with a girl in the "curtain" over from me. It was so neat to be able to trade stories while we're both flat on our back, curtains in between us so we can't even see each other, and bedpans under our bums. Good times.

So, just learned that our blood test is the 28th. If it is positive, we go back the 30th.

I can say I am not confident this is going to result in a pregnancy. But I have peace. I feel good, calm, rested. This has definitely been a worthwhile journey, regardless of the result.

And, if it doesn't work this month, we have 4 more embryos we have adopted from Michigan, so we will return in November to transfer those. If that doesn't work, we plan to seek God's will and listen to His leading, but expect to be back on the domestic list early next year.

Ps. 139 14-18
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
and my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

Appointment set!

I just learned that our appointment will be at 1:30 p.m. on Saturday. It's later than I thought it would be, but I'm told the time is set.

I'm trying to see this change in the positive light. Maybe Tygh and I can go for a walk in lovely Knoxville in the morning!

Update #2.

I just spoke with NEDC. I feel much better.

They said that the doctor said that we just adjusted my medication 2 weeks ago and it's really too soon to re-test it. It normally takes 4-6 weeks for a medication adjustment to take place when it comes to thyroid medicine. So even though I'm still over corrected (and even a little worse than before), he didn't seem concerned.

Transfer is not cancelled.

She assured me that it is better to be over corrected than under corrected. She also said that there does not appear to be a link between frozen embryo transfer success rate when it comes to hyperthyroidism. She said they will re-check me after the transfer.

And finally, she said that the Doctor would NOT do this transfer if he felt at all uncomfortable with it or that it would affect my chances at pregnancy. He wouldn't do that for me, but most importantly, he wouldn't do that for these embryos. And knowing what I know about him, I believe that.

She chided me (rightfully so) for getting on the internet and snooping. She said she highly advises against that when it gets to this close to a transfer.

I just need to relax. (In my defense, hyperthyroidism does increase your natural levels of anxiety, heart palpitations, insomnia, etc.). So I recognize I may be a little coo-coo for cocoa puffs right now.

Bear with me. I am getting a massage the night before we leave.

Update.

We had our progesterone shot this morning and, praise God, it went off without a hitch. I had put on this numbing creme and I literally did not feel a thing. We also ended up using a smaller gauge needle, which may have helped.

But because of the timing of when I need to do my am shots, Tygh will not be able to do them. So my co-worker/friend has graciously offered to do the am ones for me. Tomorrow, I'll be lying on the floor of my office, door shut, with my dear friend angling a needle at my bum. Sounds lovely.

And my thyroid. Boy oh boy. I still don't know what is going on. Tennessee is doing transfers today, so I may not hear back until later. I got on the internet (bad bad bad) and saw all these things about hyperthyroidism and infertility and miscarriage.

My spirits are pretty low right now. I've never had any confidence this will work (my protective mechanism), and now it seems pretty near impossible. (I recognize I may be a bit overdramatic right now, but it's been a rough morning).

My dear friend gave me this verse today and I'm clinging to it. I'll update when I hear from the doctor.

Hebrews 13:5: "For God Himself has said I will not in any way fail you, nor give you up, nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless, nor foresake you, nor let you down, or relax my hold on you. Assuredly not!"

Thyroid.

Ack. I had my thyroid tested again yesterday and I'm still overcorrected -- in fact, even worse than I was two weeks ago.
I'm just at a loss. I've notified the doctor but I'm just feeling very defeated in this area.

Blood draw and ultrasound.

I had my ultrasound and estradiol blood test today. I know they had wanted to see a uterine lining of 8. When the doctor did the first measurement, it was 7.5. I panicked. Then he did it from a different angle, and it was 8.5. I sighed. A little.
Then I silently freaked out. I've been hearing of other ladies whose linings are like 11, 13, etc. I was feeling inferior, if I must be honest.
And then Dr. Keenan called. Dr. Keenan never calls. Why isn't his nurse calling? I panicked again. He was going to tell me my lining was not thick enough and my estradiol was too low and we have to cancel this month's transfer.

He did not.

He said the lining was good, even though I expressed my doubt. He laughed and told me to not be jealous. (Ha ha). He gave me the rest of my protocol -- I go down to taking estradiol 2/day starting tomorrow. We also start the progesterone shots in the morning.

I'm scared to death of these shots. Not the actual shot itself, but my dear husband who will be administering them. He's terrified of needles and I'm afraid he's not going to be able to do it.

We are supposed to meet with our clinic here tomorrow to have them walk us through it.

Dear God, this is my big prayer request now -- please please let Tygh be able to do these shots and they go off perfectly. Amen.

Birthfamily visit #2

Yesterday was a very special day. Our son got to see his birthfather for the first time since he was born.

Last year, we met at the zoo with Chris's (birthfather) mom, aunt, and grandma. But Chris didn't come.

This year, we were thrilled to learn that not only did Chris want to come, but so did about 9 other family members.

When we arrived at the zoo, Chris was standing in the corner, hands in pocket. You could tell he didn't quite know how to act. Tygh was amazing. He went right up to him, shook his hand, and said "Hey, man, it's been a while. How are you?"

Chris beamed.

Then I took Brae over to Chris. You see, for the last couple of weeks, each night before going to bed, Brae and I would look at a picture of Chris from the hospital the day Brae was born. We'd say "Hi, Chris. We'll see you at the zoo." Then we'd say "Night-night, Chris."

So when I took Brae to meet Chris standing in the corner, I said, "Brae, this is Chris. Remember we said we'd see him at the zoo?" Lightbulb went off.

Brae smiled and said, "Night-night, Chris."

The visit was great. We didn't have our caseworker there, so I was worried we'd struggle for conversation or ice breakers. That was not the case. It was definitely a little awkward at first (how can it not be?), but we all eased into eachother. For the love of a little boy.

Chris's mom and grandma pulled me aside at separate times throughout the visit and just expressed how grateful they were to us. How they were so glad that we were Brae's parents. They were thankful that Chris chose to come. They thought it would be good for him. To see how happy Brae is, and how he is thriving.

Chris's mom gave me some pictures of Chris when he was Brae's age. For the first time, I could not only see the resemblance between the two of them, but was astonished at their physical likeness when they were that age. It startled me because I'd always thought Brae looked like Rachael. I still think he looks more like her, but it was neat to see the physical features compared with Chris.

There were a few sort of, gulp, hold my breath times. I encouraged Chris to push Brae in the stroller, to carry him, and to put him on his shoulders. Chris did, and although it didn't come quite naturally, he eased into it. Tygh would even give him some pointers on how to hold Brae on his shoulders. But, inevitably, after a while, Brae would wiggle out of Chris's arms and reach out and call "Daddy!" to Tygh.

I knew those moments were going to happen, and in my mind, I had half-heartedly hoped they would. But instantly, when it actually did, I regretted thinking that I ever wanted to see that. It was uncomfortable. I didn't want it to hurt Chris. Yes, Tygh is Brae's Daddy. But here is a young man (barely 21) who stepped out and made a bold move by driving 3 hours to see his biological son. I didn't want to see him hurt.

So, when it happened, Tygh and I immediately stepped up to "re-direct" Brae. "Look, Brae! A tiger! Grrr." That helped. You could see the look of relief pass across Chris. A feeling of -- what was it, exactly? Being spared public rejection by his biological son in favor of his father who adopted him? Perhaps.

In all, the visit was great. We took pictures and we all swooned over Brae. It was neat to see all the love surrounding this little boy. What made me most glad was that each one of them got to see some of the things I love most about my son. Like when he throws his head back and does his signature laugh. Or when he clenches all the muscles in his body to show you how strong he is. Or when he jumps. Or spins. Or dances. How he just wants to make other people laugh. They got to see all of that.

As we said our goodbyes and Brae gave everyone hugs (yes, he reached out to give each one of them a hug), and piled Brae back in the car along with all his birthday presents they brought for him, a strange sensation overwhelmed me. For the last year, we've been on this embryo adoption path. For the last several weeks, I've pondered how much "easier" things would be if we were just back on the domestic adoption list. At least I know a baby would come to us that way. Eventually.

But, as we drove away and I saw in the rear view mirror Brae's biological family waving to us, I thought, "Do I really want to go through all of that again? Do I really want to be on the list, waiting, again. Yes, we had an amazing adoption experience, but I know that won't be possible the next time around. Do I want to be wondering if a birthmom will change her mind? Do I want to get entwined with another biological family again?"

And the answer is, "no, but I want another child, a sibling for Brae, and if that is God's plan, then He'll pull me through it."

So here I sit, on a Sunday evening, on the cusp of going to Tennessee in the hopes of bringing home a sibling for Brae. I hope that is God's plan and will. But if not, He'll pull me through it.