Birthfamily visit #2

Yesterday was a very special day. Our son got to see his birthfather for the first time since he was born.

Last year, we met at the zoo with Chris's (birthfather) mom, aunt, and grandma. But Chris didn't come.

This year, we were thrilled to learn that not only did Chris want to come, but so did about 9 other family members.

When we arrived at the zoo, Chris was standing in the corner, hands in pocket. You could tell he didn't quite know how to act. Tygh was amazing. He went right up to him, shook his hand, and said "Hey, man, it's been a while. How are you?"

Chris beamed.

Then I took Brae over to Chris. You see, for the last couple of weeks, each night before going to bed, Brae and I would look at a picture of Chris from the hospital the day Brae was born. We'd say "Hi, Chris. We'll see you at the zoo." Then we'd say "Night-night, Chris."

So when I took Brae to meet Chris standing in the corner, I said, "Brae, this is Chris. Remember we said we'd see him at the zoo?" Lightbulb went off.

Brae smiled and said, "Night-night, Chris."

The visit was great. We didn't have our caseworker there, so I was worried we'd struggle for conversation or ice breakers. That was not the case. It was definitely a little awkward at first (how can it not be?), but we all eased into eachother. For the love of a little boy.

Chris's mom and grandma pulled me aside at separate times throughout the visit and just expressed how grateful they were to us. How they were so glad that we were Brae's parents. They were thankful that Chris chose to come. They thought it would be good for him. To see how happy Brae is, and how he is thriving.

Chris's mom gave me some pictures of Chris when he was Brae's age. For the first time, I could not only see the resemblance between the two of them, but was astonished at their physical likeness when they were that age. It startled me because I'd always thought Brae looked like Rachael. I still think he looks more like her, but it was neat to see the physical features compared with Chris.

There were a few sort of, gulp, hold my breath times. I encouraged Chris to push Brae in the stroller, to carry him, and to put him on his shoulders. Chris did, and although it didn't come quite naturally, he eased into it. Tygh would even give him some pointers on how to hold Brae on his shoulders. But, inevitably, after a while, Brae would wiggle out of Chris's arms and reach out and call "Daddy!" to Tygh.

I knew those moments were going to happen, and in my mind, I had half-heartedly hoped they would. But instantly, when it actually did, I regretted thinking that I ever wanted to see that. It was uncomfortable. I didn't want it to hurt Chris. Yes, Tygh is Brae's Daddy. But here is a young man (barely 21) who stepped out and made a bold move by driving 3 hours to see his biological son. I didn't want to see him hurt.

So, when it happened, Tygh and I immediately stepped up to "re-direct" Brae. "Look, Brae! A tiger! Grrr." That helped. You could see the look of relief pass across Chris. A feeling of -- what was it, exactly? Being spared public rejection by his biological son in favor of his father who adopted him? Perhaps.

In all, the visit was great. We took pictures and we all swooned over Brae. It was neat to see all the love surrounding this little boy. What made me most glad was that each one of them got to see some of the things I love most about my son. Like when he throws his head back and does his signature laugh. Or when he clenches all the muscles in his body to show you how strong he is. Or when he jumps. Or spins. Or dances. How he just wants to make other people laugh. They got to see all of that.

As we said our goodbyes and Brae gave everyone hugs (yes, he reached out to give each one of them a hug), and piled Brae back in the car along with all his birthday presents they brought for him, a strange sensation overwhelmed me. For the last year, we've been on this embryo adoption path. For the last several weeks, I've pondered how much "easier" things would be if we were just back on the domestic adoption list. At least I know a baby would come to us that way. Eventually.

But, as we drove away and I saw in the rear view mirror Brae's biological family waving to us, I thought, "Do I really want to go through all of that again? Do I really want to be on the list, waiting, again. Yes, we had an amazing adoption experience, but I know that won't be possible the next time around. Do I want to be wondering if a birthmom will change her mind? Do I want to get entwined with another biological family again?"

And the answer is, "no, but I want another child, a sibling for Brae, and if that is God's plan, then He'll pull me through it."

So here I sit, on a Sunday evening, on the cusp of going to Tennessee in the hopes of bringing home a sibling for Brae. I hope that is God's plan and will. But if not, He'll pull me through it.