If the beta is negative, it will not be my fault.
I know you all are going "duh!", but for me, this is an important truth I need to understand. You see, I am a master at self-preservation and have had this mountain of a wall around me to protect my heart from another phone call saying, to me, that I failed. Again.
This is an area I'm really trying to work on in my life. And I believe God has used our infertility struggle to help me change this attitude.
So, if it is negative, all it means is that God said "no" or "not yet", and He allowed this pregnancy to not be viable. I will still believe that He directed us on this path, but I may not understand the purpose. Maybe not even on this side of heaven. If it is negative, I didn't do anything wrong. God is bigger than my failing body, so if He wanted it, it could have happened. That it didn't, I can't control.
If it is negative, I will continue to praise Him. It will definitely be a choice, not necessarily driven by feeling. It will be a step of obedience taken without the assurance of a changed circumstance or the elimination of a trial. It will be praise focused on God, not the circumstance, and I will fix my gaze upon God's truth and His character instead of the trial at hand.
THE OUTCOME IS NEITHER MY RESPONSIBILITY NOR MY GOAL.
Praise begins and ends with faith in the very nature, personality, and integrity of God. And that never changes.
No matter what lies ahead, God is faithful.
At this point, these embryos are either with Jesus, or God willing, we will be able to introduce them to Him. I can't be too upset about either one of those.
And from a practical standpoint, we still have 4 embryos we have adopted who have donors that are counting on us.
So, unless God directs us otherwise, we will return to Tenn in November.
** On a side note, I plan on taking the the blood test Tuesday, and working from home the rest of the day. I will not answer any phone call from Tenn until Tygh is with me. And, if it's negative, I will be sad. I will cry. It will hurt. And I plan on arming myself with a one-pager of uplifting statements and verses to ward off the lies that will otherwise be piling up in my head. If any of you have some positive, inspirational sayings or verses you'd like to share (and that you'd want to hear in my position), please pass them on.
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. - Deuteronomy 31:6
ReplyDeleteTrust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. - Proverbs 3:5-6
Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. - Hebrews 10:23
For I hold you by your right hand I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, 'Don't be afraid. I am here to help you'. - Isaiah 41:13
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. - 2 Corinthians 1:4
I love you both and wish I was there to hold your hand on Tuesday. Breath, stay positive, pray - and make sure you have Chocolate and Peanut Butter ice-cream in the freezer.
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
ReplyDeleteI love the word "IF" - God hasn't said "No or Not Yet" at this point and I'm praying you won't hear those words next week. But, should you hear those words, we know that He is faithful and good. But, again, I'm believing God for a resounding "YES" for all of us! 100% pregnancy and live birth rate for September! :)
ReplyDeleteThis post is written like it was straight from my brain!! I am fighting the same thoughts and trying to trust the same truth!
ReplyDeleteMy verses right now:
Matt. 10:29-31
29. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. 30. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31. So don't be afraid; you [and the embryos] are worth more than many sparrows.
How did I miss this post? Such transparency, Britney. I will send you some verses that helped me during my last 3 miscarriages. I pray that you will be elated with a + though. I will be praying for strength and peace for you no matter what for this Tuesday!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your vulnerability and honesty! I think you posted what we're all thinking right now. I'm still praying for our 100% success rate too!!
ReplyDelete"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
This is absolutely beautiful. I've really enjoyed your story today as I lie here on bedrest after my 3rd transfer. I had my first almost a year ago (negative), an attempt at another last Oct. (embryos didn't survive thaw), and now we have a new family and transferred two precious embryos this past Mon. I want desperately to be positive and have the depth of faith I feel I should, but I also find it difficult after loss. I'm hoping this is "it" but know God's plans are much greater than anything I could dream. I appreciate your words as they have been so encouraging today after coming across your blog. :)
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