When I was pregnant with Sienna, I never posted anything about it on any social media site. In fact, after she was born, and I did post pictures of her, many acquaintances sent me messages, marveling about how they didn't even know I was pregnant.
With this pregnancy, I've pretty much done the same thing. I have never posted anything about being pregnant, and don't plan to.
This is deliberate. For me, I remember the pain each time someone I knew posted about being pregnant, and showed off their growing belly. It killed me inside.
Perhaps I'm more sensitive than most, but when I see posts about someone announcing their engagement, I immediately think of all the girls crying because they just broke up with their boyfriend. When I see posts about someone announcing their cool new job, I think of all the people who have just lost theirs. When I see posts about someone's awesome vacation, I think of all the people who can't afford to take one.
Don't get me wrong. I enjoy seeing all these happy posts, and like to celebrate with others in their joy. There is nothing malicious in posting stuff like this. But my heart goes out to all of those who have been marginalized by this same celebration and joy.
With everything we've been through, I just cannot bring myself to announce this pregnancy or post belly pics on social media. Instead of basking in all of the uplifting messages I'm sure we'd get, I will be obsessed with the one girl whose day got a little darker because of that news.
Because I had many of those dark days, too.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Sibling Love... is driving me Crazy
Brae and Sienna love each other. A lot. And trust me, this warms a mother's heart. I remain in awe about their close bond, despite not sharing a gene between them. Again, love makes a family, not genetics.
But... sometimes, their bond drives me up the wall. A few cases in point:
1) One minute, they are on the floor tickling one another, laughing hysterically. The next, Sienna is running to me, bawling, and she has a scratch on her cheek. Brae isn't far behind, screaming, with bite marks on his shoulder.
2) Brae brushes her hair in the morning, putting barrettes in her hair. When I come in, she has blue, sticky hair. Toothpaste.
3) When Sienna runs out of underwear, Brae gives her his.
4) Brae has no problem giving Sienna some "tough physical love." But he will not stand for anyone else treating her that way. I've had to explain to more than one mother that when Brae screamed, red-faced at her child for even touching Sienna, Brae was really just defending her honor.
... And this one really sticks in my craw....
5) I put the kids to bed, in their separate rooms, around 8 p.m. And sometimes, in the middle of the night (e.g., 1 a.m.), I hear noises upstairs. Brae has sneaked into Sienna's room, pulled her out of bed, and they've tiptoed into his room, where he reads to her. Sienna now has a bell on her door.
But... sometimes, their bond drives me up the wall. A few cases in point:
1) One minute, they are on the floor tickling one another, laughing hysterically. The next, Sienna is running to me, bawling, and she has a scratch on her cheek. Brae isn't far behind, screaming, with bite marks on his shoulder.
2) Brae brushes her hair in the morning, putting barrettes in her hair. When I come in, she has blue, sticky hair. Toothpaste.
3) When Sienna runs out of underwear, Brae gives her his.
4) Brae has no problem giving Sienna some "tough physical love." But he will not stand for anyone else treating her that way. I've had to explain to more than one mother that when Brae screamed, red-faced at her child for even touching Sienna, Brae was really just defending her honor.
... And this one really sticks in my craw....
5) I put the kids to bed, in their separate rooms, around 8 p.m. And sometimes, in the middle of the night (e.g., 1 a.m.), I hear noises upstairs. Brae has sneaked into Sienna's room, pulled her out of bed, and they've tiptoed into his room, where he reads to her. Sienna now has a bell on her door.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Being a Minority
A friend of mine recently posted a very insightful blog on her site, and with her permission, I'm duplicating some of it here....
The US Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that that in 2012
there were 9,134,000 women with children under the age of three. 6,334,000 of those women work and 2,595,000 of
those women work 35 or more hours a week.
These are my peeps, other full time working moms. What do these numbers tell me? They tell me that only 1/3 women with itty
bitty kiddos work and that only 2/5 women with itty bitty kiddos who do work,
work full time. What this also means is
that I am squarely a minority. Being a
minority doesn’t bother me per se and it isn’t necessarily a negative, but what it does
mean is that social policy and culture in the US often does not cater to my
needs (or desires, dreams or hopes for that matter).
Being a minority in this context feels lonely sometimes. Trying to navigate a world that feels like it
is designed for non-working moms (people really) is frustrating. Juggling full time work with itty bitty
people is HARD, and unless you do it yourself, you have NO CLUE just how
HARD. 2/3 of moms get the luxury of more
time with their babies that I do. 2/3 of
moms don’t have to squish their life into a box built for non-working
moms. I am reminded of this reality
every time I try to sign [Brae/Sienna] up for preschool, music, swimming, visit a
museum, go to the library, etc. Most preschools
are designed around a 9-11:30 timeframe, swim class is offered at 10am on
Tuesday, music is offered at 1:15 on Wednesdays, mommy matinees are offered
during the classic work day, story times at the library are the during the traditional
work day, DMV, DEQ and SSA close at 5, doctor and dentist offices operate M-F,
banks are only open 9-5 etc. Sure, there
are a few evening and weekend options, which I try (and must for lack of other
options) to take advantage of, and there are few preschools that have caught
onto the fact some moms have to work BEFORE 9am, but the slots are limited, the
facilities are limited, the opportunities are limited. I have to get in line with the other
2,595,000 full time working moms struggling with the same limitations. It is frustrating to always be subjected to
waitlists, long lines, early enrollment deadlines, asking for favors, all
because I work full time. No one really
talks about these challenges when you are in graduate school, embarking on a
profession. No one prepares women for
the sacrifices they will have to make if they choose the daunting task of being
a mom and a full time professional. I
desperately hope that by the time my children begin to start and grow their
families that our country will embrace social policy and cultural change in a
family-centric direction. Countries,
such as Sweden, that have gone through what I will call “mini revolutions” in
this respect find people are happier, production increases, and divorce rates
decrease. These seem like things ALL
people can support (regardless of marital or child status), not just working
moms.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Becoming a Donor
As I mentioned in my last post, we are now pregnant through IVF. My sis-in-law also ended up doing IVF too (same clinic, same dr.)
When we started our cycles, we were a month behind. Due to different protocols, we ended up having our transfers just 5 days apart.
She is now 12 weeks pregnant with twins! She has 5 frozen embryos remaining.
And she's going to do embryo adoption - through NEDC (!)
When I asked her about her selfless act, this is what she wrote:
Honestly, I haven't really thought about it that much. It was never really a decision that we needed to think about or talk about, it's just the only option that was even on the table for us. A no-brainer. We're not going to keep them frozen forever, and we're definitely not going to destroy them. It sounds weird to say we're not going to "need" them after the twins are born... all life is "needed". But the truth is, our family will be complete. Our five embryos deserve a chance at life regardless of our decision not to have more children. Travis and I were just talking last night about how they aren't ours anyway, and they never were. We're all children of God's and He alone creates life. He created life for those five babies and He has a plan for them. It's our responsibly to foster those little lives, whether that's in our family or someone else's. NEDC brought my niece into our family, and I trust them to place our five with an equally loving family.
I told our donor about my sis-in-law's choice and she was so impressed at how quickly she came to the decision. Our donors waited 10 years after the birth of their children before starting the embryo adoption process. I think everyone just has their own journey through a process like this.
My sis-in-law has started the paperwork with NEDC, but probably won't ship the embryos until after the twins arrive. She wants to do an open adoption, but with minimal interaction. She wants to be there for the family if they have questions, but otherwise doesn't want regular updates.
I am so proud of my sis and bro-in-law for making this very sacrificial gift to a family that may otherwise not get the chance to experience pregnancy.
When we started our cycles, we were a month behind. Due to different protocols, we ended up having our transfers just 5 days apart.
She is now 12 weeks pregnant with twins! She has 5 frozen embryos remaining.
And she's going to do embryo adoption - through NEDC (!)
When I asked her about her selfless act, this is what she wrote:
Honestly, I haven't really thought about it that much. It was never really a decision that we needed to think about or talk about, it's just the only option that was even on the table for us. A no-brainer. We're not going to keep them frozen forever, and we're definitely not going to destroy them. It sounds weird to say we're not going to "need" them after the twins are born... all life is "needed". But the truth is, our family will be complete. Our five embryos deserve a chance at life regardless of our decision not to have more children. Travis and I were just talking last night about how they aren't ours anyway, and they never were. We're all children of God's and He alone creates life. He created life for those five babies and He has a plan for them. It's our responsibly to foster those little lives, whether that's in our family or someone else's. NEDC brought my niece into our family, and I trust them to place our five with an equally loving family.
I told our donor about my sis-in-law's choice and she was so impressed at how quickly she came to the decision. Our donors waited 10 years after the birth of their children before starting the embryo adoption process. I think everyone just has their own journey through a process like this.
My sis-in-law has started the paperwork with NEDC, but probably won't ship the embryos until after the twins arrive. She wants to do an open adoption, but with minimal interaction. She wants to be there for the family if they have questions, but otherwise doesn't want regular updates.
I am so proud of my sis and bro-in-law for making this very sacrificial gift to a family that may otherwise not get the chance to experience pregnancy.
Friday, January 17, 2014
A delicate announcement
I've written and re-written this post several times in my head the last few weeks. It's an exciting announcement, but because I've been the recipient of several of these announcements before, it's bittersweet. Because, I know the pain of hearing this announcement when you so desperately want the announcement to be yours, and it's not.
We are pregnant. We are 12 weeks along.
This fall, we decided to give IVF one last shot before completely committing to the foster adoption process. We had done IVF several years ago, and it was a complete failure, all around. This time, we chose a different clinic, and got the "best" doctor.
And, it worked.
It wasn't, however, without a ton of prayer, agony, and sheer miracles.
After going through months of testing (which all looked relatively normal), we ended up on Day 5 with only one surviving embryo. And it was a day behind.
Through my tears, the senior embryologist ended up transferring two embryos - one more that may have been still growing - although it didn't look that great, and was also a day behind.
A few days after the transfer, I ran across a pregnancy test in my drawer that was about to expire. I took the test. It was positive.
Several days later, we got the beta. It was 92.
Four days later, it hadn't doubled in the preferred 48 hours. It doubled in about 66 hours. Still within "normal," but not reassuring.
Two days later, it had more than doubled.
The first heartbeat at 6 weeks, 3 days was just 119. Again, within "normal," but not super reassuring.
At 9 weeks, it was 175. But it wasn't moving.
At 11 weeks, it was 165, and he/she was dancing.
Today, at 12 weeks, 1 day, he/she was jumping.
It is surreal to me that we are having a 100% genetic child. But all it really is is a satisfaction of a curiosity for me. This child is no more a child of mine than Brae and Sienna.
I love, and am grateful, that at the end of the day, our three children will not share a gene among them, and yet still be all family.
We are pregnant. We are 12 weeks along.
This fall, we decided to give IVF one last shot before completely committing to the foster adoption process. We had done IVF several years ago, and it was a complete failure, all around. This time, we chose a different clinic, and got the "best" doctor.
And, it worked.
It wasn't, however, without a ton of prayer, agony, and sheer miracles.
After going through months of testing (which all looked relatively normal), we ended up on Day 5 with only one surviving embryo. And it was a day behind.
Through my tears, the senior embryologist ended up transferring two embryos - one more that may have been still growing - although it didn't look that great, and was also a day behind.
A few days after the transfer, I ran across a pregnancy test in my drawer that was about to expire. I took the test. It was positive.
Several days later, we got the beta. It was 92.
Four days later, it hadn't doubled in the preferred 48 hours. It doubled in about 66 hours. Still within "normal," but not reassuring.
Two days later, it had more than doubled.
The first heartbeat at 6 weeks, 3 days was just 119. Again, within "normal," but not super reassuring.
At 9 weeks, it was 175. But it wasn't moving.
At 11 weeks, it was 165, and he/she was dancing.
Today, at 12 weeks, 1 day, he/she was jumping.
It is surreal to me that we are having a 100% genetic child. But all it really is is a satisfaction of a curiosity for me. This child is no more a child of mine than Brae and Sienna.
I love, and am grateful, that at the end of the day, our three children will not share a gene among them, and yet still be all family.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Because You're A Mom..
1) You have mini-therapy sessions all day with anyone who will listen.
2) Going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.
3) You ahve the ability to hear a cough through closed doors in the middle of the night, a floor above you, while your husband snores next to you.
4) You'd rather have a 102 degree fever than watch one of your kids suffer with it.
5) Peeing with an audience is part of the daily routine.
6) You use baby wipes to clean up random spills and the dash of your car.
7) You have a secret candy stash because, frankly, you're sick of sharing.
8) You've been washing the same load of laundry for four days because you forgot to dry it.
9) You realize you've been watching the Disney Channel alone, even though your kids have been in bed for over 30 minutes.
10) By the end of the day, brushing your teeth feels like a huge accomplishment.
2) Going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.
3) You ahve the ability to hear a cough through closed doors in the middle of the night, a floor above you, while your husband snores next to you.
4) You'd rather have a 102 degree fever than watch one of your kids suffer with it.
5) Peeing with an audience is part of the daily routine.
6) You use baby wipes to clean up random spills and the dash of your car.
7) You have a secret candy stash because, frankly, you're sick of sharing.
8) You've been washing the same load of laundry for four days because you forgot to dry it.
9) You realize you've been watching the Disney Channel alone, even though your kids have been in bed for over 30 minutes.
10) By the end of the day, brushing your teeth feels like a huge accomplishment.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Egg donation vs. embryo adoption
Recently, I had a conversation with a co-worker whose daughter was struggling with infertility. She explained that they were deciding to do egg donation. She then asked why we did not decide to do that and instead went with embryo adoption.
I explained to her that during our infertility journey, there was not much we did not consider. When you are working to grow your family, and running into roadblock after roadblock, you find you're open to most anything.
We did consider egg donation. And sperm donation. We looked into each. And, after gasping at the exorbitant cost (particularly egg donation), that opened the conversation to whether we even would do it, if we could afford to.
I know several people who have chosen to grow their families with egg/sperm donation. I've heard all of their reasons for doing so, and most of those reasons made their way into the conversation with my husband, at that time. We explored all of those reasons - if one of is able to carry on genetics, should the other stand in the way? am I ok with an egg donation, so long as I'm still able to carry the child? are we more comfortable with a child who is at least partially genetically connected to us vs. not? etc.
Ultimately, we decided egg/sperm donation was not for us. The primary reason being that we just were not comfortable with having a child be only "part" genetically related to us. We either wanted a child that was 100% genetically related to both of us, or not at all.
I've been up and down the infertility road for too long to judge anyone who decides to grow their family in any way other than how they see best for their family. I'm sure I've been judged several times for our decision to adopt domestically, and then to do embryo adoption.
So I ended the conversation with my co-worker with best wishes for her daughter. I hugged her and told her I know how hard this road can be, and that however those of us struggling with infertility choose to grow our family, we really should all stick together.
I explained to her that during our infertility journey, there was not much we did not consider. When you are working to grow your family, and running into roadblock after roadblock, you find you're open to most anything.
We did consider egg donation. And sperm donation. We looked into each. And, after gasping at the exorbitant cost (particularly egg donation), that opened the conversation to whether we even would do it, if we could afford to.
I know several people who have chosen to grow their families with egg/sperm donation. I've heard all of their reasons for doing so, and most of those reasons made their way into the conversation with my husband, at that time. We explored all of those reasons - if one of is able to carry on genetics, should the other stand in the way? am I ok with an egg donation, so long as I'm still able to carry the child? are we more comfortable with a child who is at least partially genetically connected to us vs. not? etc.
Ultimately, we decided egg/sperm donation was not for us. The primary reason being that we just were not comfortable with having a child be only "part" genetically related to us. We either wanted a child that was 100% genetically related to both of us, or not at all.
I've been up and down the infertility road for too long to judge anyone who decides to grow their family in any way other than how they see best for their family. I'm sure I've been judged several times for our decision to adopt domestically, and then to do embryo adoption.
So I ended the conversation with my co-worker with best wishes for her daughter. I hugged her and told her I know how hard this road can be, and that however those of us struggling with infertility choose to grow our family, we really should all stick together.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Scenes from Christmas
We had one of the best Christmases yet. Brae is now 5 and is really into this time of year. Just watching him get so excited for Christmas and believing in all the magic of the season makes it a thrill for us.
He's also starting to understand why we celebrate Christmas, although the concept of Jesus and God living in his heart remains a bit foreign. He thinks they are just up in heaven. And he wants God to be a lion. (I told him He kind of is).
Christmas Eve service was a hoot. The kids stayed in "big church" with us, and for the most part were well behaved. Sienna jumped up and down at all the Christmas songs. When everyone bowed their heads and closed their eyes to pray, Sienna yelled at me, "Mommy! Wake up!" And when the candles were being passed and each one slowly lit, Sienna again yelled, "Fire's coming! Fire's coming!"
Brae really wanted a Polar Express train this year, and would tell every Santa he encountered just this. When I went shopping, I struck out. So Tygh set out to find it, and 2 days and 6 stores later, he did. A real Polar Express train.
A couple days before Christmas, I asked Brae if he thought Santa was really going to bring him his train. He replied, without hesitation, "I know he will."
I love his child-like faith.
Christmas morning, Tygh may have been more excited than Brae. He woke up at the crack of dawn to make sure the train was around the tree, running. When Brae came down the stairs, he stopped dead in his tracks, and then just looked up at us and grinned.
Priceless.
Sienna was much more subdued this year. She's not really into any one thing this year, except for the constants of animals (particularly giraffes). Her genetic donors graciously sent her a giraffe rocking horse, which Sienna loves. Sienna also took forever opening all of her gifts. She wanted to delicately unwrap each one, play with it completely, and then move onto the next.
It was also a treat celebrating in our new house - something we wouldn't have dreamed of several months ago.
God has blessed us abundantly this year, and we are very thankful.
He's also starting to understand why we celebrate Christmas, although the concept of Jesus and God living in his heart remains a bit foreign. He thinks they are just up in heaven. And he wants God to be a lion. (I told him He kind of is).
Christmas Eve service was a hoot. The kids stayed in "big church" with us, and for the most part were well behaved. Sienna jumped up and down at all the Christmas songs. When everyone bowed their heads and closed their eyes to pray, Sienna yelled at me, "Mommy! Wake up!" And when the candles were being passed and each one slowly lit, Sienna again yelled, "Fire's coming! Fire's coming!"
Brae really wanted a Polar Express train this year, and would tell every Santa he encountered just this. When I went shopping, I struck out. So Tygh set out to find it, and 2 days and 6 stores later, he did. A real Polar Express train.
A couple days before Christmas, I asked Brae if he thought Santa was really going to bring him his train. He replied, without hesitation, "I know he will."
I love his child-like faith.
Christmas morning, Tygh may have been more excited than Brae. He woke up at the crack of dawn to make sure the train was around the tree, running. When Brae came down the stairs, he stopped dead in his tracks, and then just looked up at us and grinned.
Priceless.
Sienna was much more subdued this year. She's not really into any one thing this year, except for the constants of animals (particularly giraffes). Her genetic donors graciously sent her a giraffe rocking horse, which Sienna loves. Sienna also took forever opening all of her gifts. She wanted to delicately unwrap each one, play with it completely, and then move onto the next.
It was also a treat celebrating in our new house - something we wouldn't have dreamed of several months ago.
God has blessed us abundantly this year, and we are very thankful.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Brae-isms
Sadly, I feel that Brae's great legacy of Brae-isms may be slowly coming to an end. His inquiries now are much less funny, and more stumping. I find myself scrambling for possible explanations. Indeed, his questions are ones I often ask myself. My boy is growing up.
With that in mind, here's a few snippets I've gathered from his last few months that still warm my heart:
1) The other day, Brae looked up at me from his breakfast and asked, "Mom, why did God not make me a dog?" Great question, son. Great. Question.
2) One Saturday morning, while watching Game Day with Dad, he turns to Tygh and states: "Dad! Those announcers keep interrupting each other. They need to learn to share!"
3) As I was driving the kids around on one particularly sunny day, Sienna started shrieking. The sun was directly in her eyes, blinding her. Seeing this, Brae moved into action. He leaned over the seat toward Sienna, and put out his hand to shield her eyes from the sun. I smiled. Then, he spit in her hair.
With that in mind, here's a few snippets I've gathered from his last few months that still warm my heart:
1) The other day, Brae looked up at me from his breakfast and asked, "Mom, why did God not make me a dog?" Great question, son. Great. Question.
2) One Saturday morning, while watching Game Day with Dad, he turns to Tygh and states: "Dad! Those announcers keep interrupting each other. They need to learn to share!"
3) As I was driving the kids around on one particularly sunny day, Sienna started shrieking. The sun was directly in her eyes, blinding her. Seeing this, Brae moved into action. He leaned over the seat toward Sienna, and put out his hand to shield her eyes from the sun. I smiled. Then, he spit in her hair.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Alas, we will meet.
In almost exactly one year, we will meet our donors and Sienna's genetic siblings for the first time.
We are "facebook" friends, text one another frequently, send emails, receive Christmas and birthday gifts from them for Sienna, and are otherwise basically linked for life.
But we've never met in person.
That will all change next December.
We have planned a trip to Disney World with our family next year, and have invited our donors to meet us there. They agreed!
I am beyond excited. Sienna will be 3.5 years old, and her genetic siblings will be newly teenagers. What better place to connect than the happiest place on Earth?!
When we were looking at profiles of potential donors back in 2010, our main criteria was that we get matched with people we felt we could sit down and have a beer with. People we could just talk to. Our donors fit the bill.
Needless to say I'm beyond thrilled to meet them, throw my arms around each one of them, thank them profusely for this amazing gift they gave to us, and just enjoy some time getting to know one another more.
I'm excited for Sienna to have this opportunity to meet her blood, although I full well know she will not understand much about it. But, that's what video and cameras are for.
And, I trust this will only be the first of several visits over her lifetime.
We are "facebook" friends, text one another frequently, send emails, receive Christmas and birthday gifts from them for Sienna, and are otherwise basically linked for life.
But we've never met in person.
That will all change next December.
We have planned a trip to Disney World with our family next year, and have invited our donors to meet us there. They agreed!
I am beyond excited. Sienna will be 3.5 years old, and her genetic siblings will be newly teenagers. What better place to connect than the happiest place on Earth?!
When we were looking at profiles of potential donors back in 2010, our main criteria was that we get matched with people we felt we could sit down and have a beer with. People we could just talk to. Our donors fit the bill.
Needless to say I'm beyond thrilled to meet them, throw my arms around each one of them, thank them profusely for this amazing gift they gave to us, and just enjoy some time getting to know one another more.
I'm excited for Sienna to have this opportunity to meet her blood, although I full well know she will not understand much about it. But, that's what video and cameras are for.
And, I trust this will only be the first of several visits over her lifetime.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Brae's 5 year checkup
I think I may have contributed to the mood by prepping him the night before that he had to get some... (shhh...) s.h.o.t.s. I think that just caused him a lot of anxiety.
But, I've also done the opposite before, and not told him the shots were part of the gameplan, and he freaked out.
Can't win.
So, after an hour of complete misery, a nurse and I then had to hold Brae down with all our might as they administered the round of shots. I held his face in my hands as I just tried to calm him down by talking softly to him, looking in his eyes. Poor little guy, he was just terrified. I think next time I won't tell him the shots are part of the deal, so he'll have less time to get worked up about it.
Sigh.
His stats are that he's just above 50% for height, and 50% for weight. The doctor said he's highly intelligent, and perhaps a little OCD. (Brae's organized his closet so that every hanger is evenly spaced; when he climbs into bed at night, he only disturbs the bed as much as absolutely necessary so as not to ruin in the straight sheets and blanket; I could go on).
We noticed that behavior as early as 18 months, when Brae would line up all his toy cars in perfectly neat rows. The doctor said we should just continue to watch it, but that he may just be an engineer in the making (like his Daddy!).
Little Miss Sienna definitely does not have OCD. The girl's room is in a constant state of disrepair, she loves to make huge messes, and could care less if she walks around in a wet and poopy diaper all day.
Maybe I can channel Brae's OCD into cleaning up his sister's room....
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Thankless.
It's that time of year when everyone is supposed to feel thankful. Full of hope. Gratitude.
But if you're struggling with infertility, or have ever felt the pain of that longing, this can be the worst time of the year.
You're surrounded by families at the mall. Christmas songs sung by children haunt the radio. Pregnant women proudly display their rotund bellies adorned by colorful scarves.
It sucks.
The last thing you feel is in the Christmas spirit, let alone thankful, hopeful, or grateful.
You feel... thankless.
I have soaked many pillows with my tears on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. The longing for a child runs deep. It penetrates the interior, and like a cancer, eats away until it captures your soul. Your identity.
If you're not diligent and on guard, it imprisons your joy.
I've been there.
Even after having children, and in many ways, having been delivered from that imprisonment, I still bear the scars.
And for that, I'm thankful.
Infertility has made me a more compassionate person, and not just to others sharing in the same struggle. To others who have broken relationships - with their parents, their children, their siblings. To others who have lost parents, children.
Infertility has also given me a platform that, without experience, I would have no credibility with those who seek my counsel. Just like you wouldn't want to take marriage advice from someone who has never been married, people don't want to talk about infertility with someone who has no problem getting pregnant.
In many ways, infertility has been a gift.
Infertility gave me my son. Infertility gave me my daughter.
Infertility has woven a beautiful, painful tapestry in my life.
The effects of infertility have made me thankful.
But if you're struggling with infertility, or have ever felt the pain of that longing, this can be the worst time of the year.
You're surrounded by families at the mall. Christmas songs sung by children haunt the radio. Pregnant women proudly display their rotund bellies adorned by colorful scarves.
It sucks.
The last thing you feel is in the Christmas spirit, let alone thankful, hopeful, or grateful.
You feel... thankless.
I have soaked many pillows with my tears on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. The longing for a child runs deep. It penetrates the interior, and like a cancer, eats away until it captures your soul. Your identity.
If you're not diligent and on guard, it imprisons your joy.
I've been there.
Even after having children, and in many ways, having been delivered from that imprisonment, I still bear the scars.
And for that, I'm thankful.
Infertility has made me a more compassionate person, and not just to others sharing in the same struggle. To others who have broken relationships - with their parents, their children, their siblings. To others who have lost parents, children.
Infertility has also given me a platform that, without experience, I would have no credibility with those who seek my counsel. Just like you wouldn't want to take marriage advice from someone who has never been married, people don't want to talk about infertility with someone who has no problem getting pregnant.
In many ways, infertility has been a gift.
Infertility gave me my son. Infertility gave me my daughter.
Infertility has woven a beautiful, painful tapestry in my life.
The effects of infertility have made me thankful.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Birthmom visit: What she said
Last weekend, we had our 4th visit with Brae's birthmom and his half-sister.
I've said time and time again that genetics play a nominal role in the similarities between siblings, and yet each time I see Brae's half-sister, I feel like that role just keeps getting bigger.
They look so much alike. They make the same facial expressions. They make the same hand gestures. Even their pout is the same. They react to things very similarly. It's astounding.
They are both very independent, strong-willed, and confident kids (all "nice" ways of saying "bossy").
I know all of these traits can be positives when channelled the right way.
Brae's birthmom is engaged and getting married next summer. I reiterated that if she wants us there, or Brae even in the wedding, it would be an honor. She beamed and nodded.
As the conversation was winding down, we talked a little about Sienna (who was traipsing around the little gym, minding her own business). And then Brae's birthmom said something that stung my gut:
"You know, I was a little worried when you told me you were pregnant with Sienna. That you wouldn't want or love Brae as much because you didn't carry him."
Right. in. the. gut.
I don't blame her at all for saying this. I think it's a very human and natural concern. I get it.
But for us, it is so wrong.
I explained to her that couldn't be further from the truth. Brae made me a mom. Sienna made me pregnant. They are both so special and unique in their own ways. I told her it was actually harder for me to bond with Sienna, simply because she was a "fussier" baby. Brae was easy as pie. Sienna was more high maintenance.
My love and attachment to each Brae and Sienna developed in their own natural ways, and neither of them had anything to do with whether I carried them or not. They were both mine.
She grinned. I think she got it.
I've said time and time again that genetics play a nominal role in the similarities between siblings, and yet each time I see Brae's half-sister, I feel like that role just keeps getting bigger.
They look so much alike. They make the same facial expressions. They make the same hand gestures. Even their pout is the same. They react to things very similarly. It's astounding.
They are both very independent, strong-willed, and confident kids (all "nice" ways of saying "bossy").
I know all of these traits can be positives when channelled the right way.
Brae's birthmom is engaged and getting married next summer. I reiterated that if she wants us there, or Brae even in the wedding, it would be an honor. She beamed and nodded.
As the conversation was winding down, we talked a little about Sienna (who was traipsing around the little gym, minding her own business). And then Brae's birthmom said something that stung my gut:
"You know, I was a little worried when you told me you were pregnant with Sienna. That you wouldn't want or love Brae as much because you didn't carry him."
Right. in. the. gut.
I don't blame her at all for saying this. I think it's a very human and natural concern. I get it.
But for us, it is so wrong.
I explained to her that couldn't be further from the truth. Brae made me a mom. Sienna made me pregnant. They are both so special and unique in their own ways. I told her it was actually harder for me to bond with Sienna, simply because she was a "fussier" baby. Brae was easy as pie. Sienna was more high maintenance.
My love and attachment to each Brae and Sienna developed in their own natural ways, and neither of them had anything to do with whether I carried them or not. They were both mine.
She grinned. I think she got it.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
The bond between brother and sister
Brae and Sienna share a very special bond. I can kind of relate to it, because I have a younger sister, and three older stepbrothers.
But Brae and Sienna's bond is unique.
They share not one gene between them, and
yet are thick as thieves.
They are the first person the other wants to see in the morning, and the last person the other wants to see at night.
Brae "reads" to Sienna. Sienna "cooks" him food. Brae "carries" her places. Sienna "helps" get him dressed.
If one isn't around, the other gets sad. And when they are together, they are running around the house laughing.
Even when they are fighting, it lasts only seconds before they are running around laughing again.
They say that boys mature slower than girls. Well, with them being only 2.5 years apart, and Brae being the oldest (and less mature), that age gap seems even smaller.
I'm so grateful for their bond and pray that it always remains this strong. I pray that Brae watches over her his whole life, and that she continues to look up to him as her older, protective big brother.
But Brae and Sienna's bond is unique.
They share not one gene between them, and
yet are thick as thieves.
They are the first person the other wants to see in the morning, and the last person the other wants to see at night.
Brae "reads" to Sienna. Sienna "cooks" him food. Brae "carries" her places. Sienna "helps" get him dressed.
If one isn't around, the other gets sad. And when they are together, they are running around the house laughing.
Even when they are fighting, it lasts only seconds before they are running around laughing again.
They say that boys mature slower than girls. Well, with them being only 2.5 years apart, and Brae being the oldest (and less mature), that age gap seems even smaller.
I'm so grateful for their bond and pray that it always remains this strong. I pray that Brae watches over her his whole life, and that she continues to look up to him as her older, protective big brother.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Some movement.
We have a new caseworker. She emailed me even before I had a chance to email her! And, she wants to set up a meet and greet. I already like her.
I also took a peek at the waiting children profile portal. This profile portal is set up for families who have approved homestudies. There are more children shown in this portal than in the general public viewing portal. The children shown in the general public viewing portal are, unfortunately, the children who need the most advocacy. My heart aches for them.
The children in this private portal are the ones that will get sought after quickly. They have little/no drug exposure. There are babies. They are what, stereotypically, waiting families "want."
I did a search for children under the age of 2. I was pleasantly surprised to see quite a few children in this age category.
There was even a sister sibling couple, age 2 and newborn. They didn't live together. It broke my heart.
And yet, we just aren't ready to make that next leap. I'd like to get more settled into our new home. We're also taking our last kid-less vacation in May, and I'd like to wait until after then before actively pursuing any leads.
But, I was infused with hope that our next child could very well be in this pool of children.
That made me happy.
I also took a peek at the waiting children profile portal. This profile portal is set up for families who have approved homestudies. There are more children shown in this portal than in the general public viewing portal. The children shown in the general public viewing portal are, unfortunately, the children who need the most advocacy. My heart aches for them.
The children in this private portal are the ones that will get sought after quickly. They have little/no drug exposure. There are babies. They are what, stereotypically, waiting families "want."
I did a search for children under the age of 2. I was pleasantly surprised to see quite a few children in this age category.
There was even a sister sibling couple, age 2 and newborn. They didn't live together. It broke my heart.
And yet, we just aren't ready to make that next leap. I'd like to get more settled into our new home. We're also taking our last kid-less vacation in May, and I'd like to wait until after then before actively pursuing any leads.
But, I was infused with hope that our next child could very well be in this pool of children.
That made me happy.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Five years ago today...
... I stood in a hospital room, holding a precious baby boy.
A mixture of emotions consumed me. This baby was not genetically mine. And yet, I loved him instantly. A flood of unconditional love and affection had washed over me the second I saw his little head pop out.
I turned to look at his beautiful birthmother. She was calm. I know now that her heart was breaking inside, and it took every ounce in her to not crumble. She was telling herself to stay strong. This is what is best for him. She loves him.
I turned back to look at the baby boy in my arms. Pink cheeks. Auburn hair. Blue eyes that couldn't stay open for but a few seconds.
I couldn't lose him. But, I also couldn't take him, either. He had to be a gift. Given over, freely. That's the only way this could work.
I kissed his forehead. It smelled sweet. New. Soft.
I stroked his hair, and rested my cheek against his.
I looked up to see his birthmother smiling, approvingly. She knew I loved him. She knew he was ours, given by God to us, through her. She felt confident in that. Now, she just needed to get through the next few hours, days, and years.
Not much has changed in these last five years. I still kiss my son's forehead, stroke his hair, and rest my cheek against his. His hair has darkened, and so have his eyes. But now he has lost his first tooth. Now he speaks in paragraphs. Now he wrestles his sister to the ground.
My love for him has also changed. For a while, I struggled feeling like I was nothing more than his babysitter. I struggled fully stepping into the "Mommy" role. I felt if I did, I was somehow replacing his birthmom, whom I also loved.
It took many months to realize that not being that Mommy, 100%, was doing a great disservice to my son, and his birthmom. She didn't go through this incredible sacrifice for me to be just a babysitter. I needed to fully assume the role she had entrusted me with, and take hold of my title as Brae's Mommy.
So, that's what I've done. To this day, while I have taken full ownership as Mom to my little boy, it's never far from my mind that he is still just on loan to me. He is God's child, and there is only so much I can do to protect him. I need to trust that just as freely and lovingly as God gave him to us, I need to equally as freely and lovingly give him back to God, each and every day.
Happy birthday, my baby boy.
We love you.
A mixture of emotions consumed me. This baby was not genetically mine. And yet, I loved him instantly. A flood of unconditional love and affection had washed over me the second I saw his little head pop out.
I turned to look at his beautiful birthmother. She was calm. I know now that her heart was breaking inside, and it took every ounce in her to not crumble. She was telling herself to stay strong. This is what is best for him. She loves him.
I turned back to look at the baby boy in my arms. Pink cheeks. Auburn hair. Blue eyes that couldn't stay open for but a few seconds.
I couldn't lose him. But, I also couldn't take him, either. He had to be a gift. Given over, freely. That's the only way this could work.
I kissed his forehead. It smelled sweet. New. Soft.
I stroked his hair, and rested my cheek against his.
I looked up to see his birthmother smiling, approvingly. She knew I loved him. She knew he was ours, given by God to us, through her. She felt confident in that. Now, she just needed to get through the next few hours, days, and years.
Not much has changed in these last five years. I still kiss my son's forehead, stroke his hair, and rest my cheek against his. His hair has darkened, and so have his eyes. But now he has lost his first tooth. Now he speaks in paragraphs. Now he wrestles his sister to the ground.
My love for him has also changed. For a while, I struggled feeling like I was nothing more than his babysitter. I struggled fully stepping into the "Mommy" role. I felt if I did, I was somehow replacing his birthmom, whom I also loved.
It took many months to realize that not being that Mommy, 100%, was doing a great disservice to my son, and his birthmom. She didn't go through this incredible sacrifice for me to be just a babysitter. I needed to fully assume the role she had entrusted me with, and take hold of my title as Brae's Mommy.
So, that's what I've done. To this day, while I have taken full ownership as Mom to my little boy, it's never far from my mind that he is still just on loan to me. He is God's child, and there is only so much I can do to protect him. I need to trust that just as freely and lovingly as God gave him to us, I need to equally as freely and lovingly give him back to God, each and every day.
Happy birthday, my baby boy.
We love you.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
Five things I've learned while living with the in-laws....
1. Brae and Sienna miss "home." They keep asking when they will go "home." I keep telling them we don't have a home right now. Sure, I could get into a theological engagement with them about how home is where your heart is, blah blah blah. They are 4 and 2. I'm not.
2. Naps are nice. Very nice. When you are shacking up with another family, there's not a lot of "honey-do" items for you to do. It's not your house. You have to know your place. So, we take lots of naps instead.
3. VCRs and tapes still really do come in handy. They are more durable and scratch-resistant than DVDs. My in-laws have VCRs. And lots of tapes. I like them.
4. I'm a lot more low-maintenance than I thought. I've packed my socks in some box that is now in a POD somewhere miles away. No big deal. I can wear the same socks a couple, three, four, ok, five times in a row. Don't judge.
5. We are very blessed to have this as an option. It sure beats the Holiday Inn.
2. Naps are nice. Very nice. When you are shacking up with another family, there's not a lot of "honey-do" items for you to do. It's not your house. You have to know your place. So, we take lots of naps instead.
3. VCRs and tapes still really do come in handy. They are more durable and scratch-resistant than DVDs. My in-laws have VCRs. And lots of tapes. I like them.
4. I'm a lot more low-maintenance than I thought. I've packed my socks in some box that is now in a POD somewhere miles away. No big deal. I can wear the same socks a couple, three, four, ok, five times in a row. Don't judge.
5. We are very blessed to have this as an option. It sure beats the Holiday Inn.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Moving.
We sold our house a month ago.
In one day. For above asking. So, we asked for more. And they accepted. We hadn't even put our sign up yet.
I guess you can say that God was telling us to get the heck out of our house.
We had been thinking about it for a while - moving to a neighboring suburb with fantastic schools, and closer to friends and family.
We had no idea it would happen so fast.
We had not bought another house.
I had many mental breakdowns in the first week after we sold. Where were we going to live?
So, then we started looking.
We made an offer on House #1. 1970s. Half acre. Colonial. Needed some updating. We made them an offer. They countered. We countered. I got cold feet. We rescinded.
Lot of money, and still a lot of work.
So then we made an offer on House #2. 1970s. Awesome neighborhood. Dutch Colonial. Needed lots of updating. We made them an offer. They countered. We accepted. Inspection time came. Lots of problems - radon, sewer, etc. We asked them to repair half of what the inspection suggested. They basically said no, and that they were done negotiating. Take it or leave it.
We left it.
We made an offer on House #3. 2008. Traditional. Move-in ready. We made them an offer. They countered. We countered. They accepted. Inspection tomorrow. Praying nothing major.
We have to be out of our house on Wednesday. From start to finish, it will be 32 days since the day we sold our house. That is very fast.
The new house won't be ready until end of October. So, we'll be living with my in-laws for a few weeks.
After sleeping on a blow-up mattress, in a sleeping bag, and eating out of tupperware dishes, I'm extremely excited to move in with them.
Brae and Sienna have been amazing - with all the houses we've toted them around to - telling them to "go pick out their bedroom" in each one. They've picked out about 8 bedrooms now. They probably have no idea which house is actually theirs, at this point.
But, they don't care. They just want us to make tunnels out of all the spare boxes in the house, eat lots of take out and pizza, and move in with Grammy and Guapo for a while.
I miss being a kid.
In one day. For above asking. So, we asked for more. And they accepted. We hadn't even put our sign up yet.
I guess you can say that God was telling us to get the heck out of our house.
We had been thinking about it for a while - moving to a neighboring suburb with fantastic schools, and closer to friends and family.
We had no idea it would happen so fast.
We had not bought another house.
I had many mental breakdowns in the first week after we sold. Where were we going to live?
So, then we started looking.
We made an offer on House #1. 1970s. Half acre. Colonial. Needed some updating. We made them an offer. They countered. We countered. I got cold feet. We rescinded.
Lot of money, and still a lot of work.
So then we made an offer on House #2. 1970s. Awesome neighborhood. Dutch Colonial. Needed lots of updating. We made them an offer. They countered. We accepted. Inspection time came. Lots of problems - radon, sewer, etc. We asked them to repair half of what the inspection suggested. They basically said no, and that they were done negotiating. Take it or leave it.
We left it.
We made an offer on House #3. 2008. Traditional. Move-in ready. We made them an offer. They countered. We countered. They accepted. Inspection tomorrow. Praying nothing major.
We have to be out of our house on Wednesday. From start to finish, it will be 32 days since the day we sold our house. That is very fast.
The new house won't be ready until end of October. So, we'll be living with my in-laws for a few weeks.
After sleeping on a blow-up mattress, in a sleeping bag, and eating out of tupperware dishes, I'm extremely excited to move in with them.
Brae and Sienna have been amazing - with all the houses we've toted them around to - telling them to "go pick out their bedroom" in each one. They've picked out about 8 bedrooms now. They probably have no idea which house is actually theirs, at this point.
But, they don't care. They just want us to make tunnels out of all the spare boxes in the house, eat lots of take out and pizza, and move in with Grammy and Guapo for a while.
I miss being a kid.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
A Wedding. And a Divorce.
A few weeks ago, one of my best girlfriends got married. It was an honor to be there for her special day, and to be able to stand next to her as a bridesmaid.
Also standing next to her as a bridesmaid was our other very dear friend. She is going through a divorce.
The dichotomy of the two still sends chills down my spine.
In the midst of the celebration of two amazing people finding love, another life is falling apart because of a lack of love. While one man in a tuxedo proudly proclaimed his love in front of a hundred people, another man in sweats is sneaking around, cheating on his wife.
There were several moments during the day when my sweet friend had to leave the festivities to just weep. The "Father/Daughter" dance was especially hard.
My heart just ached for her.
It's hard to know what to say in moments like those. She has two children. Young children. And her life is falling apart before her eyes.
So, sometimes, it's better to say nothing at all.
Instead, I weep with her. And I hold my children a little tighter. And I give my husband a kiss, and say "Thank you."
I once heard someone say that if everyone was forced to put all their crap in a big pile, take a step back and look at everyone else's crap, every single one of us would gladly go back to the pile, and grab our own crap back.
Behind every smile, is a load full of crap. Be nice to someone today.
Also standing next to her as a bridesmaid was our other very dear friend. She is going through a divorce.
The dichotomy of the two still sends chills down my spine.
In the midst of the celebration of two amazing people finding love, another life is falling apart because of a lack of love. While one man in a tuxedo proudly proclaimed his love in front of a hundred people, another man in sweats is sneaking around, cheating on his wife.
There were several moments during the day when my sweet friend had to leave the festivities to just weep. The "Father/Daughter" dance was especially hard.
My heart just ached for her.
It's hard to know what to say in moments like those. She has two children. Young children. And her life is falling apart before her eyes.
So, sometimes, it's better to say nothing at all.
Instead, I weep with her. And I hold my children a little tighter. And I give my husband a kiss, and say "Thank you."
I once heard someone say that if everyone was forced to put all their crap in a big pile, take a step back and look at everyone else's crap, every single one of us would gladly go back to the pile, and grab our own crap back.
Behind every smile, is a load full of crap. Be nice to someone today.
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