Pulled the Trigger.

Plane tickets to Knoxville, Tennessee are booked.

We are now officially committed to this path (barring unforeseen circumstances).

Gulp!

Homestudy!

Yay! Just learned this afternoon that our homestudy has been written and it is on its way up to Seattle for approval.
All this really means is that it should not be an obstacle in the process with NEDC. After our June 3 appointment with NEDC, and assuming we are medically "cleared," we proceed with the matching process. If our homestudy had not been approved by then, that could cause a delay.
We still have to complete our 10-hour-new-training requirement, but that will just cause an amendment to the homestudy, and not hold it up.
YAY!

Loving Obedience.

So I had written a whole long blog and then it got deleted.

I don't believe in coincidences. God did not want me to publish that last post. I'm going to be much more succinct this time.

I've had a bad attitude lately. A good friend butt kicked me about that last night.

For the past months since we felt convicted and had peace we are supposed to be on this journey of embryo adoption and that God was leading us down this road, I believed all that was required of me was to be obedient to God. I was wrong. I need to be lovingly obedient. I need to be joyful on this journey. If I'm not, I'm giving the wrong impression to others about who God is. I have felt being on this journey was like a sheep being led to the slaughterhouse. That's because I felt God was leading me on this journey and that it would end in failure, but I was supposed to be on this journey anyway.

I was wrong. It still may be true that God's outcome is not my desired outcome, but I know that His ways are not my ways. His ways are greater and better than mine. He has more in store for me than I can possibly imagine. I have a rare opportunity on this journey to be a missionary. I need to take joy in that and relish being obedient to God and finding joy in that, and not just seeking the benefits or blessings of God. Just go after Him and who He is, and I will find peace, love, joy, and contentment.

As my very wise counselor and friend said, "When we have a trusting heart and an honest, open mind to God, we can be sure renewal is on its way." My struggles and this journey of infertility is not a failure on my part. There is nothing physically wrong with me. If something does not produce the results I want, it's not failure. It's just not God's plan. To look at it like failure is for me to think my body is more powerful than God. WOW.

God has not set me up for failure. His outcome on this journey of obedience may not be my desired outcome, but it WILL be part of His plan, which is so much more than I can possibly imagine.

I will continue to perservere. I will not give up. I will keep seeking God and keep trudging on this path, and with a better attitude now. God has not shown me the outcome. He has made promises to me about my future, but He has not provided me the timeline.

I trust Him. Happily. Joyfully.

And for a fleeting second this evening when I was rocking my son to bed, I said to myself, "Self, I want more of this. More of this being a Mom thing." And I already know I don't need to be pregnant to have that.

Thank you, Lord, for kick butt friends.

Update.

We have decided to go through NEDC and not Bethany. That said, I haven't told Bethany yet. Mostly because they have made no effort to contact me since last week (and still no final application!), but also because I suppose I'm still waiting for further confirmation from God that we're supposed to go to NEDC. But I think I'm learning that by asking for even more confirmation just shows a lack of faith. I've researched plane flights, have a baby/dog sitter while we're gone, and have taken the time off work, but I haven't pulled the trigger and actually booked the flights. I think I'll do that next week.
We have received paperwork from NEDC. I'm waiting for my next cycle to start and then I'll start taking meds to help prepare my body for the trial transfer and all the bloodwork they'll need to take on June 3. I also will need to start birth control this next cycle.
Cute story: I was with Brae at the park last week, and I noticed he went away from the playground and started heading toward this van that was kind of curiously parked next to the playground. The van was not in a parking lot, not in a parking space, and far away from where all the other cars parked. It was very odd. I went after Brae and watched him as he headed toward the back of this van. I watched as he reached out and put both of his hands just above the back bumper of the van. As I got closer, I gasped. The van was a Toyota "Sienna", and Brae had placed both of his hands on the word "Sienna."
I love God and the supernatural.

NEDC!

I'm shaking and have tears in my eyes as I write this. I'm in awe. I just got a TOTALLY unexpected call from the embryo coordinator at NEDC -- the Christian donation center in Tennessee. Remember, that was the one we wanted to go to in the beginning -- felt led to go in the beginning -- but their wait list was SO long, it didn't seem like the right option. The coordinator was calling to tell me that due to cancellations, unexpected pregnancies, etc., they have an opening for our first appt with the doctor on June 3! (The original date she told me was September at the earliest!) She said they could even do a transfer as early as July!

I immediately called Tygh and we agreed to pray about it and talk about it tonight. I need to let her know tomorrow if we are not going to do it. And, if you remember, I almost got off the NEDC list because of the long wait time, but my stubbornness refused to let me do that because we'd already paid $200 to be on their list, so I figured, why not. Oh, Lord, how you humor me.

The timing of this all does not seem coincidental. First, we are only invested in Bethany's program $150. (And the NEDC program is less expensive). No skin off our backs. Second, Bethany has been dragging their feet for a MONTH to get me the final application (it keeps getting revised), which is the next step of commitment for us with the Bethany program, as I think that costs $500. And remember how in the beginning they told me their process would move so quickly? It's not their fault. GOD was at work! Third, everything else we've done -- setting up care with a fertility clinic here, doing the homestudy, etc., is all in line with what NEDC also needs us to do. They've been parallel tracks for the most part. Now, I'd just need to change my fertility care here to just being nurses instead of the doctor to do the transfer.

The coordinator is sending me a packet of all the info, because on June 3 (6 weeks from now!), they would do a huge medical evaluation of me, including a trial transfer. They also do a huge counseling session with me and Tygh. Then, the matching process begins. Once we have a match, we go back to the clinic (either July or September as they only do transfers every other month), and stay in Tennessee for a couple of days.

I asked her how long she thought the matching process could take. She said that because we want to do open, it will be much less time. Apparently, more people want to do anonymous. Remember this dispute Tygh and I were having about that? I wanted to do anonymous and he wanted to do open? And we agreed on open. It seems God has been directing all of this all along! She said she was looking at two bookshelves FULL of open donors just waiting to be matched! Our genetic family could be in there! And, because all of the embryos are frozen at the clinic in Tennessee, there is no need to have any of them shipped. And, if for some reason, none of our embryos survived the thaw, we would have a back-up family, and they could still do the transfer right there!

I was in tears as I was talking to her and just blurted out, "You have no idea how much of a tailspin you've thrown us into. We were NOT expecting to hear from you til at least July or September! The timing of this seems totally providence." And then she whispered, "It's God, isn't it?" And then I just gasped, "Yes, I think so." And she said, "We believe that, too."

Wow. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to see some of You working today!!!!

In summary, Tygh and I will talk more tonight, and an option is always to proceed with NEDC, and still stay on Bethany's list until they ask us for more money, then we can proceed from there to choose just one track.

No acupuncture.

I love all the emails and postings from my dear friends who express how God can use anything to accomplish His will -- indeed He does, all the time. And yet, I know that God does not need to use anything at all to accomplish His will. After much prayerful consideration, and a very convicting email from someone I hold in high esteem (you know who you are!), I have decided I do not have the green light to pursue acupuncture or other forms of Chinese medicine at this time. This is not at all a reflection on whether think it is "right" or "wrong" or anything like that. Rather, I simply believe that God gives some of His children release to pursue certain avenues, while He does not give that same release to others of His children.

I received a very wonderful text message from a good friend this morning that told me that whatever God was telling me to do and convicting me of, I needed to do it. This text could not have come at a more perfect time. Right away, I texted back "no acupuncture."

She basically responded if that was how God was leading me, I needed to be obedient, and He would honor that. Not necessarily honor it with a baby through embryo adoption, but honor my spirit of faith and obedience.

I recognize that I've been pushing my agenda on God and how I expect Him to behave and answer me through this trial and adventure. I need to stop that. He has His own purpose for all of this, and because I believe another baby will eventually bless our house (and eventually my body), I just need to enjoy this ride more.

When I was talking with the naturopath, I asked her why acupuncture seemed to have success when associated with getting pregnant. She said something about endorphins and relaxing your body, etc.

I've been thinking about that. I hate needles, so even if I felt release to do acupuncture, I don't know if I would actually do it.
I've decided I'm going to Dosha and get a massage instead. Probably every week from the time we're "chosen" until the transfer happens! Maybe I'll even invite Tygh to join me. I know we both experience lots of endorphins and relaxations in those massages!

So, moral of the story for this post: Be obedient to God's leading in your life. Just like everything else, He leads people down different paths, and for better or worse, acupuncture is not on my path.

Such a skeptic.

So I've been on this gluten-free diet for a couple weeks now. I recognize I have a bad attitude about it. I don't like having to think about what I'm going to eat, or if I go somewhere, am I going to be able to eat what they have? This mostly stems from my history with food, and I just don't like going there mentally. But, because we know the embryo transfer is coming up, and because I've been told there may be a correlation between gluten and fertility, I'm willing to give it a shot through the embryo transfer.

I've also just spoken with a naturopath recommended by our fertility doctor, who spewed Chinese medicine at me for about 20 minutes. I was trying so hard not to roll my eyes the whole time, just biting my tongue. I wanted to shout out: "I don't believe in this! I believe in God, and that He is the Healer of all infirmities! I don't need this! If we get pregnant through this, it will be by His power alone! What you say to me is rubbish!"

But I didn't.

And as she was spitting out statistics, like acupuncture increases chances of fertility success by 50%, etc., I was waffling between being intrigued and annoyed.

So, I'm going to pray about it. Since we're only doing this once, part of me is like, why not? Give it my "all" this time (with the gluten, with acupuncture, etc.) and just see. I know ultimately that it will ONLY be by God if this happens, but maybe God speaks Chinese, too?

Homestudy visit.

Was uneventful. Very laid back and casual. No pressure. No stress. Very unlike the last time almost 2 years ago. The one downfall is that Susan has 4 homestudies to write ahead of us. Sure. Likely story. ; )
So, she said that ours will be at least a month away. Again, not the timeline I was hoping for. Especially because the embryo adoption is essentially on hold until that homestudy is written. There are ministerial things we can do in the meantime like do our training video and complete some other paperwork, but it's a discouragement nonetheless.
So, we're just trying to stay comfortably numb and keep ourselves occupied. Not a lot more we can do.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. This is a process that is not on our timetable.
But we do ultimately trust that God's hands are all over this. There is a reason for every second of it.

Update.

We had our last (phew!) counseling session for the embryo adoption last night. It was much more fun than the rest. We got to talk about what kind of couple we wanted to be matched with. We said the obvious: good-looking, rich, smart, funny. Shouldn't be a problem.
Then we talked about next steps. Our homestudy is this Monday. Once it is finalized (should take a few weeks with most adoption case workers --will probably take til end of summer with our current one) (just kidding) (maybe), then we get to actually start the matching process with the embryo folks. That will be totally out of our hands. We've put our best face forward with respect to our profile, but it's really up to God (isn't everything?).
We still have some training to do, but that shouldn't hold up the process. I also need to start birth control and do a trial transfer, but I'm holding off on that for now.
I'm realizing Brae is a handful and do I really want more kids?
Silly question.
Ignore it.

Bad News/Good News

Bad news: our homestudy has been postponed until Monday, March 29.

Good news: we've completed the 2nd of our 3 "work sessions" with the Bethany embryo adoption counselor.

Bad news: We do not like these work sessions.

Good news: At least this next work session we get to talk about fun stuff like what we're "looking" for in a genetic match.

Bad news: We have to talk about this stuff for an hour.

Good news: We signed up for the training seminar we have to complete as part of the "new, improved, expanded training required for returning families."

Bad news: Do I even need to say the bad news about this?

Good news: We are able to do some of the training by video.

Bad news: We actually have to watch this video.

Good news: Once the training is complete, our homestudy will be done and we can officially start the matching process with the embryo specialist.

Bad news: This was not the timing I was told in the beginning.

Good news: I am learning to forgive that indiscretion.

Bad news: Depending on how long the matching process takes, we may not have a transfer until late spring, early summer.

Good news: We ultimately trust God is in control and that this is HIS timing we are working under, not ours or anyone else.

Bad news: I am still not convinced this is how God will choose to get us pregnant.

Good news: That's okay, because I remain convinced we will get preggers again one day.

Now for a goosebumps story. About 2 weeks ago, I was feeling overwhelmed with the impression that one day, we were going to have a baby girl (biological or otherwise) and I was to name her Sienna (or some other spelling variation of that). I was literally bombarded with that name for a period of about 3 days. I think in one day, I came across it like 6 times. I felt convinced God was speaking to me: "You will have a girl one day, and you shall name her Sienna."

I told my Bible study group that last week, and said I really ought to look up what that name means. This week, a sweet girl named Sarah asked me if I had looked it up. I said I had not. She said she had been praying for me since the week prior and decided to look up the name of the meaning. She pulled out her baby names book and found a spelling variant of that name that means, get this, "Promise of God."

I had shivers.

Bad news: I do not like the name Sienna.

Good news: God can make me like it.

Update.

We had our first "consultation" with the embryo donation coordinator last Thursday. Our next one is this coming Thursday. We understand this is a process, but honestly, we've done SO much research on embryo adoption, we feel we could be presenting a course on it. That said, it was good for Tygh to hear all the info from the coordinator herself. And, it was really neat to hear him say that he was on board with this process and ready to move full steam ahead. He actually said that the doors have been opening and so there is no reason to not continue. Phew! Thank you, Lord, that it seems I have not dragged my husband into this. He has appeared to come to this decision on his own, in his own time and on his own terms. Love my beau Tygh.

We learned that we have a new 10 hour training requirement to satisfy our homestudy. We suggested we take it by video. They responded that 2 hours of video = 1 hour of in-person training. Are you kidding? Sigh. Ok. We'll do it.

Our homestudy is scheduled for next Wednesday the 24th.

Hopefully we can start the matching process (which can take many months, apparently) in the next few weeks. We are waiting to receive our final application paperwork to start that process.

Yup. It's a process.

Ehhh....

So just spoke with the embryo donation coordinator and she gave me a "come to Jesus" talk, if you will. She said the matching process typically takes 4-5 months (yikes), although it can be much quicker. I feel deceived. Is that too bold of a statement? I feel that we were coaxed into this program under the belief that it would be much faster than that. That said, it is much faster than the NEDC program, so it doesn't feel like a closed door. It just feels like a process we have to perservere through. She's going to have another phone consultation with me and Tygh tomorrow night, and then 2 more after that. She has our profile already, so once we fill out our final application, we should be able to start the matching process. At this point, I think I'm going to hold off "prepping" my body for the transfer (ultrasounds, birth control, etc.) until we actually have a match. So, it's looking like this transfer will NOT happen this spring, but maybe this summer. Again, SO not the timeline I had in mind, but there's not a lot we can do about it. We just continue to trust there is a God rhyme and reason to this.

LORD -- we trust you.

Teeny update.

Just learned (and made my day) that we do NOT have to do one of the live web chats -- the one that was not scheduled until May (woo hoo!). So that means we COULD have a transfer as early as next month if the stars align and the angels sing. It may still not be until May anyway. But looks like all that remains now is our homestudy visit to happen and be written; for us to start the matching process; do some additional training; get some ultrasounds; and start birth control and injections.
Geez-- didn't seem like a lot before I started typing.

Epiphany: Adoption is a PROCESS.

Update: our homestudy visit is scheduled (!) for Wednesday, March 24 at 2 p.m. We're also "supposed" to hear from the Bethany embryo department this week or next to talk about next steps. We've signed up for 5 live web chats that we have to participate in. The last one cannot be done until first part of May, so it is looking like early-mid May is the earliest the transfer could happen. Can I repeat my epiphany: this is a PROCESS. An annoying, cumbersome, burdensome, four-letter-word PROCESS. Sigh. Trying to not let the drudgery of the process curb my enthusiasm. How do you think I'm doing so far?

Still feel a peace that this is what we're supposed to be doing -- again, whether it works or not. God wants us on this road. We hope and pray there is a baby bump that will come out of it, but if not, it was an interesting ride, and we'll go back to the much more familiar and needle-free domestic infant path.

This last weekend I had the joy of meeting a friend who has done embryo adoption successfully and has a beautiful 6 month little baby boy named Caedmon. Good to know the PROCESS works. Tygh also got to meet her and see the baby boy and realize that even frozen snow babies turn out just fine.

Still on the NEDC wait list, although for no particular reason other than that they won't refund the $200 fee that we had to pay to get on the list. So, I'm spiting myself alone I'm sure by just staying on the darn list. I'm stubborn like that.

We've started working on Brae's "big boy" room, and by "working on it" all that means is that about 3 weeks ago I started blue taping the room. Have not done anything to it since. And yet I'm realizing that he has outgrown his baby room and quickly need to get on it. His latest adventure is that he has learned how to open doors. The pantry door is his favorite for obvious reasons. He particularly likes to get the dog biscuits out, and one by one take a biscuit out and mercilessly tease Norm and Lilith as he runs around the house holding the biscuits in his hand and mouth. Eventually, he'll slow down long enough to place one biscuit on the floor, to which Norm and Lilith leap upon, and then the game continues with him running around the house with dog biscuits. Better than scissors, I suppose.

Peace.

Tygh and I have a newfound sense of peace and resolution about proceeding with embryo adoption. Even if it doesn't work. That's right. We believe God is directing us down this path, is providing the open doors, the finances, and will protect us. Even if it doesn't work. We feel we are supposed to be on this path at this time. We don't necessarily know why or what the outcome will be, but we are content with that. We feel squarely within His will right now. So, because of that, although I'm sure it will be devastating if this doesn't "work", meaning achieve a pregnancy, that we still know God is ultimately in control. We believe we will get preggers again one day and give birth, but we just don't know His timing or if this is the way in which it will happen. And for the first time in a long time, I'm okay with that.

We met with the fertility doctor today and it was good. He confirmed that we appear to have an unexplained infertility case. There may be "little" things, but no definite diagnosis as to why we've had difficulty. He seemed very supportive of the embryo adoption, and was even very careful to use supportive language, like calling actually calling it an "adoption." We feel comfortable with him. He wants to be sure to review the quality of the embryos before we are matched with them, which was encouraging, although we know that God has already pre-selected the ones we will get, and even "poor" embryos result in pregnancies.

The plan is that once we are matched, I will do some pre-testing (ultrasounds, etc.) and then start a month of birth conrol pills and 5 days of shots to suppress my natural cycle. Then they give me shots of estrogen. Once I'm good and ready, they do the transfer. The nice thing about frozen transfers is that you can really schedule it to fit your needs. It can be much more planned than a typical IVF cycle.

We hope to hear from Bethany embryo's center this week to talk about the matching process. We're also waiting to hear back from our criminal background check (hopefully next week). Then we can schedule the homestudy visit.

So, as far as timeline, it's looking like the transfer (depending how fast a match happens) will likely be sometime this spring.

The beat goes on.

Updates: The Bethany embryo process has begun. We sent our application fee to them, should arrive on Friday, after which time the director is supposed to call us and help us put our profile together. Apparently, it's just a letter and some pictures. She'll also talk to us about what we're looking for in a match, openness, etc. On the parallel track of our homestudy, we just learned we have to complete 10 hours of new training. A new State requirement for all returning families. I just sigh and wonder why parents who get babies the "traditional" way don't have to go through all this training! Then I just tell myself that we are 'super-equipped' to be parents! Hopefully, though, we can complete the training through a video. It's very hard to be away from Brae for an entire weekend to complete this (silly) training.

I sent in all our homestudy paperwork yesterday, and so now we just wait for our fingerprints to come back clean. Then our homestudy visit can be scheduled.

We have an appt tomorrow am with the fertility doctor who would do the transfer . That should be interesting. Thankfully, my insurance has thus far agreed to continue paying 50% of the costs. PRAISE GOD!

Also on the financial blessing front, we got an email yesterday we are getting a random check from the State for nearly $1200. I'm telling you -- tithing.

My monthly finally came over the weekend. Came, and has already left. Just a brief visit to say hello and that she has not forgotten about me. But I told her I am not taking an OPK test this month to determine when she is arriving. She disappointed me last month, so I've now counted her as a flakey soul. She can show up (or not) whenever she pleases. But I can't promise she will always be welcome. But I told her I was glad she came this month, because if she had not, my gynecologist said he was going to "force" her visit. Nothing worse than a forced visit from someone you do not want to see anyway.

And now for the happy news. I ask my son, "Quien es Brae?" (Who is Brae), and he points to himself and then laughs. I ask him, "Quien es Mommy?" and he points to me and smiles. I ask him "Quien es Daddy?" and he points to himself again and laughs.

I love him.

We are on the NEDC list.

I so wish that statement could be followed by an exclamation point, but I just cannot seem to muster up the energy behind it. I'm so discouraged by the incredibly long wait at NEDC that it does not seem much of a feat to be on a wait list where I'll be waiting more than SIX months just for a consult, and nearly A YEAR for the transfer.

In the meantime, I remain blessedly busy at work and in my personal life that I simply don't have time to dwell on the lack of a second baby blessing right now. I just trust that one day it will come, because I believe God has that in store for us.

Tygh has a doctor's appointment Friday (tomorrow), and that is the LAST document we need before we can ship everything up to the Bethany office and wait for our homestudy to be scheduled. It's also the last document we need to start the matching process for the Bethany embryo part. So, we hope that we can actually start talking to someone at Bethany about our matching preferences, an openness agreement, and a profile by next week!

I also have an appointment with the doctor here who would perform the transfer next Wednesday. I'm kind of excited about that.

This all seems incredibly surreal and sort of out-of-body. I have to say, I'm letting my discouragement get the best of me and have little faith the embryo adoption is actually going to work. Perhaps that stems in large part from the fact I don't trust my body. I still have not gotten a period, and yet still not pregnant. It's like my body is the enemy.

So then I just have to trust God instead, which is hard to do, because He made this body of mine.

Just some honest talk tonight.

A little update.

Well, we are "almost" on the NEDC wait list. Waiting for some bloodwork to come back (hopefully today), and then we're on the NEDC wait list. But we're also simultaneously pursuing the Bethany track. We've been filling out paperwork and watching educational videos. If you are interested, this is a REALLY good video about embryo adoption. Just 30 minutes: http://www.cedaeducation.org/general-public/snow-baby-film-premier-2.html. I've also made an appt. with the fertility doctor here to have a consultation. Turns out, their success rates for frozen embryo transfers are actually HIGHER than the NEDC rates (depending on a variety of variables). That was very reassuring. However, I still think, given the chance, we'd prefer to go through NEDC because it is a Christian organization, but their wait list is just so discouraging. So, we're trying to follow where we feel God is leading. Once our paperwork is complete with the Bethany embryo department (hopefully end of week), then we can start working on a match! In the meantime, the Bethany home study will proceed on a parallel track. We can actually be matched BEFORE the homestudy is complete, which is very cool. The matching process is going very quickly right now through Bethany because there are so many donors, and fewer recipients.

I was asked yesterday what my perfect timeline would be for this transfer. I think 2 months from today would be a realistic/ideal goal. Mid-April to end of April.

And, in the midst of it all, God has been keeping me wonderfully distracted. Work has been crazy busy, which I don't mind. Less time for idle wandering and thinking. Personal life has also been joyfully chaotic. So the embryo adoption seems to be swirling like a satellite in my life. Just don't have time to dwell on it, which I actually prefer.

And then this other strange distraction is that I still have not gotten that elusive monthly visit. Over a week late, but not preggers. Where or where did Aunt Flo vacation this month?

A Change of Plans

It's been a crazy week. First, my period never came (don't go thinking anything). Turns out I likely ovulated, but my hormones didn't get the memo and didn't produce what they needed to to then start a period. Or at least that's what my doctor thinks. So, still no period, but no pregnancy either. Seems like a cruel joke to think you missed your period because of a pregnancy only to find out that's not the case. Such is life inside my body, where my hormones don't seem to always communicate. Thankfully, the doctor thinks it's likely just a fluke month, so he wants me to check back next month to run some hormone tests.

On another note, I've been poked with needles five times this week, including a Tetanus shot that I didn't know I did NOT need until it was too late. The tests are all for the embryo adoption.

And that gets to the next point, the change of plans. Our Tennessee paperwork is almost complete. Just waiting for some bloodwork to come back (because did I mention that the doctor's office "lost" my other bloodwork?). That should come back Monday, at which point we should be on the incredibly long wait list for Tennessee.

But then (and here's the change of plans), I think we're NOT going to go through the Tennessee facility. When I went to drop off our fingerprints to our caseworker, I told her how discouraged I was that the wait was going to be so long. She suggested I look into my other options and what it would be like to go through the Bethany agency all the way. So, I called them this morning, and come to find out they are one of the few agencies that actually have a SURPLUS of embryos. More donors than recipients. So, once our homestudy is complete, the process could move, I quote, "very fast."

So I immediately called Tygh and we decided, what the heck, we'll go through Bethany. We'll probably still be on the NEDC wait list just in case that comes up first because we've already come this far with them and paid the necessary fee to get on the wait list. But we'll likely go through Bethany.

And by going through Bethany, one of our other dillemmas is solved: anonymous vs. open. Bethany only does open adoptions.

Next steps are to wait for our homestudy paperwork to be complete. Tygh has a physical coming up next week, and then we're waiting for our fingerprints/criminal background check to come back clean. After that, our homestudy can take place, and be written.

In the meantime, I've also re-connected with the fertility doctor's office to find out what next steps are there.

On one side, I'm a little relieved the wait won't be quite so long. I'm also (honestly) a little relieved to not have to travel -- to Tennessee or anywhere else. But there are some definite cons to going through Bethany. The cost is a little more expensive, which if it works, we'll recoup with the tax credit. If it doesn't work, we should be able to recoup some, but not all of it. The success rates are (statistically, according to the websites) a little lower going through basically any other fertility facility other than the Tennessee one (I'm convinced that's because God lives in the Tennessee facility!). Hopefully, though, He'll make an appearance at the local facility, too. ; )

And then, if it doesn't work, there is a long wait (at least a few months, probably) until we do the domestic adoption. That will be very hard, no lie.

I'm just SO torn. I've been praying fervently that God reveal His will to me, and I just am so confused as to what it is.

Trying to discern the voice of God and be obedient.

Sigh. More Waiting.

Well, the NEDC received our paperwork, and we are almost complete with our Bethany paperwork. We hope to have our homestudy end of month or early March, and to be approved sometime in March. But, then there is another long wait period. The NEDC just informed me that they are booked through MAY for the initial consult with the doctor. She doesn't think I could have the initial consult until August/Sept., and because they only do the transfers every other month, the transfer will likely not occur until late fall. Ugh. Not the timeline I suspected.

I'm trying to make the best of this, though. If the transfer happens in late fall, and it doesn't work, then we will be prepared to start immediately on the domestic adoption path. If the transfer happened earlier in the summer, and didn't work, there would be a several month lag before we started the domestic path again. The reason is because we plan to use our 2010 tax return (to be received in early 2011) to pay the fee to get on the list. Also, getting on the list at that time allows us to accrue more sick time for maternity leave. So, I was pondering the other day that if the transfer happened over the summer and didn't work, it would be a very long and difficult fall waiting to be on the domestic list again. So I'm trying to see the silver lining. Still, not the timeline I'd hoped for.

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope." Psalm 130:5.