Profiles! (Part Three)

So we sent an email last night respectfully declining the 3 profiles. I did learn that those couples had not already seen us, so they do not know they were not chosen. Phew!
I was hoping to see more profiles today, but did not, so I sent a tail-between-my-legs email to the coordinator asking "do I offend?" (What movie is that from?)
She said no, but that she was busy with the July transfers and that the embryologist had actually pulled those 3 profiles. They are now aware that we do not desire egg/sperm donors.
Unfortunately, the coordinator said she doubts she'll be able to pull other matches this week, and she is on vacation next week. She said that the embryologist will be back on Monday and that she may be able to pull more matches.
We knew this was going to be a lengthy process. We have to get matched with at least 6 embryos and they all have to be at the same stage of development, so it is likely we will be matched with at least two couples. Once that happens, then we start negotiating the openness level.
It's definitely exciting to be at this stage, but in the back of my mind I'm keenly aware that 1) this whole process could not work (that thought never leaves my mind), but that 2) my thyroid levels may not be where they are supposed to be by September, so I'll be moved to a Nov transfer date.
But I really, honestly, feel at such peace. We are supposed to be doing this. Obedience every single step of the way.

Profiles! (Part Two)

So I actually received three profiles this afternoon! That's the exciting part. The not-so-exciting/frustrating part is that two of the profiles used egg donors. Tygh and I have repeatedly stated that we do not want a couple that used an egg or sperm donor, simply because we want any child born through EA to be able to contact his/her genetic match if he/she wanted to.
In any case, I've sent an email to the coordinator asking her to send us two more profiles to "replace" those two.
As for the third profile, I'm not super jazzed about it. I'll show it to Tygh tonight but I just don't feel that our match is in this couple.
The end goal is to be matched with at least 6 embryos, and they all have to be at the same stage of development for the transfer. While it's definitely exciting to be at this stage in the process, this is NOT the part when I want to make a decision just to make a decision. It has to be right.

Profiles!

The NEDC coordinator just emailed and said she'll be faxing 3 profiles to us tomorrow to review! YAY!
Also, the nurse had called me last week and said that all they were waiting on for complete medical clearance is the results of my thyroid test -- middle of July. So she told the coordinator to go ahead and schedule us for September!
If you think of it, please pray that one of these 3 profiles just stands out to us as the one God wants us to be "matched" with. As I understand it, these 3 couples have already "chosen" us, and now we can "choose" one (or more, if the #1 has less than 6 embryos) back.

Results.

Estrogen levels and ultrasound results are back... and they are good! Phew! Thank you, Lord!
The nurse called me this morning to say that she was switching my medication to the next part of the controlled cycle. This means that I'll start taking medication to get me to start a period, and once that starts, I can start taking birth control until my transfer date.
I'll need to pray about whether to start taking the BC now, or wait until it gets closer to the transfer. Still in my heart of hearts, I hope that we'll be able to get preggers on our own and not have to go back to Tenn, but as I'm even writing this, with where my thyroid levels are at right now, it is very unlikely we'd be able to conceive, and even if we did, miscarriage/birth defects are very likely results. There's also a lot of benefit to being on BC before a transfer -- it would "save" my own eggs for down the road (seems like a silly reason), but also because if there is any inflammation, endometriosis, etc., being on BC clears those up before the transfer.
So, see, there God has just spoken to me! Ha ha. Go on BC. Love how He does that. Thank you, Lord! ; )
So, I guess we'll go on BC.
I go back to get my thyroid levels re-checked in mid-July. If they are not within the "sweet spot" by then, they'll likely alter the medication and I'll have to wait another 6 weeks for results. That would put us at early Sept and dangerously close to having to move the transfer to Nov anyway. Just need to rest and trust that the Lord has continued to confirm we're supposed to be on this path, and that His timing alone is perfect.
I did connect with the nurse that is doing the matching process and she said she's working on the July matches now and then she'll start on the Sept matches. I don't expect to hear anything for several weeks.
So that's probably it for postings from me for a while. Nothing really should be happening until I take TSH levels in mid-July.

Thanks for all your prayers and support!

Update.

I had an ultrasound and estrogen blood test yesterday and the results were not what the doctor wanted to see. My lining was not as thick as they wanted, and my estrogen levels were not as high as they wanted. So, I'm going back tomorrow for a re-test.
The results were surprising to me because (I've been told) normally I have a thick lining and good estrogen levels. And Lord knows that all this hummus I'm eating on my gluten-free diet is packed with natural estrogen!
It could be because I'm on a "controlled" vs. natural cycle this month as they've instructed me to take estrogen pills. I suppose (in my non-medical mind) that those pills could have suppressed my natural estrogen production. Or, it could be my lovely autoimmune thyroid disorder. The dr. had requested a blood test of my TSH levels, and they came back TRIPLE what they are supposed to be. Also very surprising. So, he immediately altered my medicine dosage and wants my levels re-checked in 6 weeks. (That in itself would have delayed any hope of a July transfer since my TSH levels have to be within normal range before a transfer can take place -- otherwise miscarriage or birth defects are possible outcomes).
If tomorrow's test is not good (still not thick lining and still low estrogen levels), I'm TOLD (by the nurse) that all that means is that when they do the transfer, I'll have to be on a higher dosage of estrogen. I was somewhat relieved to hear that because part of me was expecting that I'd either have to re-do this whole controlled cycle again or they would (gasp!) medically disqualify me period.
Lately, I've been praying in earnest that God reveals His will to me in this area (yes, again) to confirm or disconfirm that we are on the right path with EA. I believe that we are, but it's so easy to think otherwise when the road gets difficult. Certainly, if I get medically disqualified, that's a closed door and we'd be on another path. I PRAY that is not God's will, and that all these medical bumps are simply His way of making my body the best vessel it can be when they transfer the embryos. I am, however, getting just a bit discouraged that my body just does not seem to cooperate -- contrary to my mind's will otherwise.
So, if you think of it, please pray that God does hit me over the head (yes, again) with confirmation/or not that we are on the right path.

Tennessee: be still and know I am God

I cannot say enough about our trip so far. Tenn is amazing. Knoxville is a total hillbilly town and we love it. We can barely understand half of what is said but the southern hospitality is thick. We've made great friends with our taxi drivers-Eddie and Jill. The donation center was amazing as well. When we walked in I was immediately drawn to a stack of Daily Bread devotionals. Right on the front cover was a verse I've come to know well: Psalm 46:10-"Be still and know that am I God." This is the same verse that a woman in my church stopped me with in the bathroom in February 2008. She said she didn't know what was going on in
life but she felt that God wanted me to know that He is God and I need to be still. So that verse has always been special to me. It was a great sign to see that verse at the clinic.
The dr appt was great. The dr was very thorough and engaged in us. The medical exam was equally as thorough. So much to say but I'm on the iPhone and in the taxi with Eddie who is talking to me about his floosie wife and his titanium hips. Suffice it to day the dr says I have a condition where my endometrium lining grows in my muscle which can cause infertility. It explains why I have heavy flows for just 2 days and then spot for several days. It's a condition I can't pronounce. But he says it's a very
mild case and does not disqualify us. He also says we have a mixed egg quality and mixed sperm issue that doesn't prevent conception but the embryos don't develop well. That could also explain why I ovulate but then don't start bleeding for 3 or 4 weeks. We could be conceiving but the embryos aren't developing. This was at least his best guess. He was also concerned with my thyroid condition and the nodules on
my thyroid. So he took a blood test to make sure my levels are normal but he seemed surprised I haven't done iodine therapy for my thyroid. Anyway he said he thought we are a good candidate for embryo adoption. Our success rate for live birth per transfer is about 50percent. After the med examthat involved a very uncomfortable procedure with a very full bladder we met with the embryologist and head nurse and them the office manager. The matching process has begun and we should know more in a couple weeks. Were looking hopefully at a transfer mid sept! They will transfer between 2-3 embryos.
Imtrying not to get too excited but it's hard. This process feels so much more smooth and ordained than our IVF process and is sooooo much less expensive I don't know why more people don't choose it. I suppose God leads each of us down our own paths in diff ways.
We still don't know why were led on this path or why it feels so right. We hope it's because our next baby is here in Tenn. Or maybe the purpose is just the journey and the faith and trust God is developing in us. Either way were excited to come back to tenn and just be a part of God's plan for us.

Update.

Hotel in Knoxville is booked.

I've started my next menstrual cycle, which means tomorrow I start on estrogen supplements to prepare me for the mock trial.

I'm actually relieved (for once!) that my cycle came when I expected it, because I have (or God had) timed perfectly the dates for this mock trial and the date for when the outside monitoring facility here in Portland has to see me for a follow up on day 14 of my cycle. This is good news, because that will be on Wed, June 9, which -- hoping I'm medically cleared after both these appointments -- NEDC should start the matching process that week or early the following week. We're still probably looking at a September transfer date at the earliest, which I have now found peace with. ; )

A week from now, we'll be in Knoxville!

Trust.

It looks like the transfer will not be until September. The July transfer dates are almost full, so it's looking like if we are medically cleared and have a match relatively soon after the June meeting, we would go back to Tennessee sometime between September 18-25.
Sigh.
Again, not the timeline I was hoping for, but again, still faster than we had originally expected with NEDC.
As for Bethany's program, would you believe I STILL have not received a final application from them?
You just have to laugh.

Embryo Adoption: A Choice Put to the Test

I literally got out of bed tonight to write this blog. I couldn't sleep. I had to put this down on paper (or on a computer screen).

I am in awe of our God.

Today, a very dear and wise friend called me and told me there were 2 birthmothers who wanted to choose adoption. Coincidence or not (not!), I knew from her email "call me" exactly what this was going to be about.

I listened intently to what she had to say, head spinning. Two birthmoms. Both due in a manner of months. Committed to adoption.

Head spinning.

I got off the phone and prayed, "Lord, lead me. Guide me. Tell me what you want me to do. If this isn't our path, lead me to who I should talk to." The very same prayer I say on my knees every morning.

I spoke with the adoption attorney working with these two young ladies. (Who, coincidence or not (not!), started practicing law the very month AND year that I was born). I gathered information. Both birthmoms very committed to adoption -- have placed before. I felt convinced that if we elected to go down this road, we would end up with a baby in our arms. I just knew that.

And then God spoke up.

On my way home from work today, I felt slowly impressed that our role here was not to adopt either one of these precious babies. That was not our purpose. Instead, we were to help find them homes, but not BE the home.

I got home and talked with Tygh. He confirmed what he had been feeling as well.

So I got to work carefully choosing the right people to talk to. Specifically, I presented the opportunity to two families (remember, two birthmoms) whose hearts are aimed at adoption. One family quickly jumped on the opportunity (after considered prayer -- perhaps in a hurry! -- of course). Smile. In fact, they may be on their way to meet at least one of the birthmoms this week! Thank you, Lord!

I feel at peace. I thank God that my "connections" that God placed before me -- all around me-- on this strangely beautiful adoption journey may have led two women in crisis to unite over the love of an unborn baby.

Neither of these children will be Brae's sibling. With a slight ache, we feel at peace with that. At any other time in our lives, we would have jumped, assaulted anyone who obstructed our path, and raced to adopt one (or both!) of these babies. We would have gone through every door and waited for God to slam it shut.

But not this time. God, in all His glory, very quickly halted us and told us to not even go through the door. Rather, we were to help unlock the door for someone else. WOW! What an honor! What a privilege to be a part of God's work! Shivers.

About a month ago, I told another dear friend that our heart was in embryo adoption right now. And that if a birthmom were to come up to me and say she would give me her baby and would not change her mind, I would have to say "no." I said that, at the time, half-joking, because anyone who knows our adoption journey knows that our history with birthmoms is quite the opposite! (We went through 9 failed adoption leads before Brae).

And now, today, I was faced with that very dilemma. And we chose to stay the course that God has put before us. We believe embryo adoption is where He wants us.

I have to say there will probably be a pang if the embryo adoption doesn't work and we will have "passed up" these leads. But then, I just have to think that if God can so quickly place 2 birthmoms in my path, surely He will provide Brae his sibling one day.

G'night.

Homestudy Approved!

Yay!

We hope that it will be on its way to NEDC next week, well in time for them to review it prior to our June 3 appointment.

Next steps are we are continuing to satisfy the 10-hour training requirement. When my next cycle starts in a couple weeks, I will then start on some hormones that will get me ready for the June 3 visit. After the June 3 visit, I have an ultrasound at our local facility to time it just right with where I'm at in my cycle.

Then, hoping all goes well, once I start my June menstrual cycle, I can start on the hormones needed to prep me for the actual transfer. That would only happen if we were successfully matched with a genetic family prior to July.

I must say the timing of all this seems so fast that I'm a little skeptical about whether we'll actually be able to have the transfer in July, so it may be September.

I can't believe we formally started down this road in January, here it is May, and we may be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) by July or September!

Also, Tygh and I have decided (pending doctor approval and logistics) that we'd probably transfer 3 embryos -- if 3 were available to transfer. We did 2 with our IVF and it didn't work, so 3 does not seem like an unreasonable number. Of course you pray and want each of them to make it and have a chance at life, but the thought of triplets (gulp) scares me. But truth be told, I'm WAY more scared of it not working at all.

Mentally, though, I'm in a good place. The sun is out and God is smiling. We feel confident we are resting squarely within His will. We're just on this journey He has set forth with us. The plan and all the details are already worked out. As our pastor says, "We're just going fishing with Dad."

Pulled the Trigger.

Plane tickets to Knoxville, Tennessee are booked.

We are now officially committed to this path (barring unforeseen circumstances).

Gulp!

Homestudy!

Yay! Just learned this afternoon that our homestudy has been written and it is on its way up to Seattle for approval.
All this really means is that it should not be an obstacle in the process with NEDC. After our June 3 appointment with NEDC, and assuming we are medically "cleared," we proceed with the matching process. If our homestudy had not been approved by then, that could cause a delay.
We still have to complete our 10-hour-new-training requirement, but that will just cause an amendment to the homestudy, and not hold it up.
YAY!

Loving Obedience.

So I had written a whole long blog and then it got deleted.

I don't believe in coincidences. God did not want me to publish that last post. I'm going to be much more succinct this time.

I've had a bad attitude lately. A good friend butt kicked me about that last night.

For the past months since we felt convicted and had peace we are supposed to be on this journey of embryo adoption and that God was leading us down this road, I believed all that was required of me was to be obedient to God. I was wrong. I need to be lovingly obedient. I need to be joyful on this journey. If I'm not, I'm giving the wrong impression to others about who God is. I have felt being on this journey was like a sheep being led to the slaughterhouse. That's because I felt God was leading me on this journey and that it would end in failure, but I was supposed to be on this journey anyway.

I was wrong. It still may be true that God's outcome is not my desired outcome, but I know that His ways are not my ways. His ways are greater and better than mine. He has more in store for me than I can possibly imagine. I have a rare opportunity on this journey to be a missionary. I need to take joy in that and relish being obedient to God and finding joy in that, and not just seeking the benefits or blessings of God. Just go after Him and who He is, and I will find peace, love, joy, and contentment.

As my very wise counselor and friend said, "When we have a trusting heart and an honest, open mind to God, we can be sure renewal is on its way." My struggles and this journey of infertility is not a failure on my part. There is nothing physically wrong with me. If something does not produce the results I want, it's not failure. It's just not God's plan. To look at it like failure is for me to think my body is more powerful than God. WOW.

God has not set me up for failure. His outcome on this journey of obedience may not be my desired outcome, but it WILL be part of His plan, which is so much more than I can possibly imagine.

I will continue to perservere. I will not give up. I will keep seeking God and keep trudging on this path, and with a better attitude now. God has not shown me the outcome. He has made promises to me about my future, but He has not provided me the timeline.

I trust Him. Happily. Joyfully.

And for a fleeting second this evening when I was rocking my son to bed, I said to myself, "Self, I want more of this. More of this being a Mom thing." And I already know I don't need to be pregnant to have that.

Thank you, Lord, for kick butt friends.

Update.

We have decided to go through NEDC and not Bethany. That said, I haven't told Bethany yet. Mostly because they have made no effort to contact me since last week (and still no final application!), but also because I suppose I'm still waiting for further confirmation from God that we're supposed to go to NEDC. But I think I'm learning that by asking for even more confirmation just shows a lack of faith. I've researched plane flights, have a baby/dog sitter while we're gone, and have taken the time off work, but I haven't pulled the trigger and actually booked the flights. I think I'll do that next week.
We have received paperwork from NEDC. I'm waiting for my next cycle to start and then I'll start taking meds to help prepare my body for the trial transfer and all the bloodwork they'll need to take on June 3. I also will need to start birth control this next cycle.
Cute story: I was with Brae at the park last week, and I noticed he went away from the playground and started heading toward this van that was kind of curiously parked next to the playground. The van was not in a parking lot, not in a parking space, and far away from where all the other cars parked. It was very odd. I went after Brae and watched him as he headed toward the back of this van. I watched as he reached out and put both of his hands just above the back bumper of the van. As I got closer, I gasped. The van was a Toyota "Sienna", and Brae had placed both of his hands on the word "Sienna."
I love God and the supernatural.

NEDC!

I'm shaking and have tears in my eyes as I write this. I'm in awe. I just got a TOTALLY unexpected call from the embryo coordinator at NEDC -- the Christian donation center in Tennessee. Remember, that was the one we wanted to go to in the beginning -- felt led to go in the beginning -- but their wait list was SO long, it didn't seem like the right option. The coordinator was calling to tell me that due to cancellations, unexpected pregnancies, etc., they have an opening for our first appt with the doctor on June 3! (The original date she told me was September at the earliest!) She said they could even do a transfer as early as July!

I immediately called Tygh and we agreed to pray about it and talk about it tonight. I need to let her know tomorrow if we are not going to do it. And, if you remember, I almost got off the NEDC list because of the long wait time, but my stubbornness refused to let me do that because we'd already paid $200 to be on their list, so I figured, why not. Oh, Lord, how you humor me.

The timing of this all does not seem coincidental. First, we are only invested in Bethany's program $150. (And the NEDC program is less expensive). No skin off our backs. Second, Bethany has been dragging their feet for a MONTH to get me the final application (it keeps getting revised), which is the next step of commitment for us with the Bethany program, as I think that costs $500. And remember how in the beginning they told me their process would move so quickly? It's not their fault. GOD was at work! Third, everything else we've done -- setting up care with a fertility clinic here, doing the homestudy, etc., is all in line with what NEDC also needs us to do. They've been parallel tracks for the most part. Now, I'd just need to change my fertility care here to just being nurses instead of the doctor to do the transfer.

The coordinator is sending me a packet of all the info, because on June 3 (6 weeks from now!), they would do a huge medical evaluation of me, including a trial transfer. They also do a huge counseling session with me and Tygh. Then, the matching process begins. Once we have a match, we go back to the clinic (either July or September as they only do transfers every other month), and stay in Tennessee for a couple of days.

I asked her how long she thought the matching process could take. She said that because we want to do open, it will be much less time. Apparently, more people want to do anonymous. Remember this dispute Tygh and I were having about that? I wanted to do anonymous and he wanted to do open? And we agreed on open. It seems God has been directing all of this all along! She said she was looking at two bookshelves FULL of open donors just waiting to be matched! Our genetic family could be in there! And, because all of the embryos are frozen at the clinic in Tennessee, there is no need to have any of them shipped. And, if for some reason, none of our embryos survived the thaw, we would have a back-up family, and they could still do the transfer right there!

I was in tears as I was talking to her and just blurted out, "You have no idea how much of a tailspin you've thrown us into. We were NOT expecting to hear from you til at least July or September! The timing of this seems totally providence." And then she whispered, "It's God, isn't it?" And then I just gasped, "Yes, I think so." And she said, "We believe that, too."

Wow. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to see some of You working today!!!!

In summary, Tygh and I will talk more tonight, and an option is always to proceed with NEDC, and still stay on Bethany's list until they ask us for more money, then we can proceed from there to choose just one track.

No acupuncture.

I love all the emails and postings from my dear friends who express how God can use anything to accomplish His will -- indeed He does, all the time. And yet, I know that God does not need to use anything at all to accomplish His will. After much prayerful consideration, and a very convicting email from someone I hold in high esteem (you know who you are!), I have decided I do not have the green light to pursue acupuncture or other forms of Chinese medicine at this time. This is not at all a reflection on whether think it is "right" or "wrong" or anything like that. Rather, I simply believe that God gives some of His children release to pursue certain avenues, while He does not give that same release to others of His children.

I received a very wonderful text message from a good friend this morning that told me that whatever God was telling me to do and convicting me of, I needed to do it. This text could not have come at a more perfect time. Right away, I texted back "no acupuncture."

She basically responded if that was how God was leading me, I needed to be obedient, and He would honor that. Not necessarily honor it with a baby through embryo adoption, but honor my spirit of faith and obedience.

I recognize that I've been pushing my agenda on God and how I expect Him to behave and answer me through this trial and adventure. I need to stop that. He has His own purpose for all of this, and because I believe another baby will eventually bless our house (and eventually my body), I just need to enjoy this ride more.

When I was talking with the naturopath, I asked her why acupuncture seemed to have success when associated with getting pregnant. She said something about endorphins and relaxing your body, etc.

I've been thinking about that. I hate needles, so even if I felt release to do acupuncture, I don't know if I would actually do it.
I've decided I'm going to Dosha and get a massage instead. Probably every week from the time we're "chosen" until the transfer happens! Maybe I'll even invite Tygh to join me. I know we both experience lots of endorphins and relaxations in those massages!

So, moral of the story for this post: Be obedient to God's leading in your life. Just like everything else, He leads people down different paths, and for better or worse, acupuncture is not on my path.

Such a skeptic.

So I've been on this gluten-free diet for a couple weeks now. I recognize I have a bad attitude about it. I don't like having to think about what I'm going to eat, or if I go somewhere, am I going to be able to eat what they have? This mostly stems from my history with food, and I just don't like going there mentally. But, because we know the embryo transfer is coming up, and because I've been told there may be a correlation between gluten and fertility, I'm willing to give it a shot through the embryo transfer.

I've also just spoken with a naturopath recommended by our fertility doctor, who spewed Chinese medicine at me for about 20 minutes. I was trying so hard not to roll my eyes the whole time, just biting my tongue. I wanted to shout out: "I don't believe in this! I believe in God, and that He is the Healer of all infirmities! I don't need this! If we get pregnant through this, it will be by His power alone! What you say to me is rubbish!"

But I didn't.

And as she was spitting out statistics, like acupuncture increases chances of fertility success by 50%, etc., I was waffling between being intrigued and annoyed.

So, I'm going to pray about it. Since we're only doing this once, part of me is like, why not? Give it my "all" this time (with the gluten, with acupuncture, etc.) and just see. I know ultimately that it will ONLY be by God if this happens, but maybe God speaks Chinese, too?

Homestudy visit.

Was uneventful. Very laid back and casual. No pressure. No stress. Very unlike the last time almost 2 years ago. The one downfall is that Susan has 4 homestudies to write ahead of us. Sure. Likely story. ; )
So, she said that ours will be at least a month away. Again, not the timeline I was hoping for. Especially because the embryo adoption is essentially on hold until that homestudy is written. There are ministerial things we can do in the meantime like do our training video and complete some other paperwork, but it's a discouragement nonetheless.
So, we're just trying to stay comfortably numb and keep ourselves occupied. Not a lot more we can do.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. This is a process that is not on our timetable.
But we do ultimately trust that God's hands are all over this. There is a reason for every second of it.

Update.

We had our last (phew!) counseling session for the embryo adoption last night. It was much more fun than the rest. We got to talk about what kind of couple we wanted to be matched with. We said the obvious: good-looking, rich, smart, funny. Shouldn't be a problem.
Then we talked about next steps. Our homestudy is this Monday. Once it is finalized (should take a few weeks with most adoption case workers --will probably take til end of summer with our current one) (just kidding) (maybe), then we get to actually start the matching process with the embryo folks. That will be totally out of our hands. We've put our best face forward with respect to our profile, but it's really up to God (isn't everything?).
We still have some training to do, but that shouldn't hold up the process. I also need to start birth control and do a trial transfer, but I'm holding off on that for now.
I'm realizing Brae is a handful and do I really want more kids?
Silly question.
Ignore it.

Bad News/Good News

Bad news: our homestudy has been postponed until Monday, March 29.

Good news: we've completed the 2nd of our 3 "work sessions" with the Bethany embryo adoption counselor.

Bad news: We do not like these work sessions.

Good news: At least this next work session we get to talk about fun stuff like what we're "looking" for in a genetic match.

Bad news: We have to talk about this stuff for an hour.

Good news: We signed up for the training seminar we have to complete as part of the "new, improved, expanded training required for returning families."

Bad news: Do I even need to say the bad news about this?

Good news: We are able to do some of the training by video.

Bad news: We actually have to watch this video.

Good news: Once the training is complete, our homestudy will be done and we can officially start the matching process with the embryo specialist.

Bad news: This was not the timing I was told in the beginning.

Good news: I am learning to forgive that indiscretion.

Bad news: Depending on how long the matching process takes, we may not have a transfer until late spring, early summer.

Good news: We ultimately trust God is in control and that this is HIS timing we are working under, not ours or anyone else.

Bad news: I am still not convinced this is how God will choose to get us pregnant.

Good news: That's okay, because I remain convinced we will get preggers again one day.

Now for a goosebumps story. About 2 weeks ago, I was feeling overwhelmed with the impression that one day, we were going to have a baby girl (biological or otherwise) and I was to name her Sienna (or some other spelling variation of that). I was literally bombarded with that name for a period of about 3 days. I think in one day, I came across it like 6 times. I felt convinced God was speaking to me: "You will have a girl one day, and you shall name her Sienna."

I told my Bible study group that last week, and said I really ought to look up what that name means. This week, a sweet girl named Sarah asked me if I had looked it up. I said I had not. She said she had been praying for me since the week prior and decided to look up the name of the meaning. She pulled out her baby names book and found a spelling variant of that name that means, get this, "Promise of God."

I had shivers.

Bad news: I do not like the name Sienna.

Good news: God can make me like it.