Inspiration.

In 10 days, we will be in Tennessee.

I am putting together an "inspiration" list of some of my favorite Bible verses and inspirational sayings friends have given to me over the years.

Some favorites:

"Trust in God's word and power more than you trust your own feelings and experiences."

"May we fear attempting to remove ourselves from the hands of our heavenly Guide, or missing even one lesson of His loving discipline due to our discouragement and doubt."

"The greatest challenge in receiving great things from the Lord is holding on for the last half hour."

... and then, the motherlode:

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

What this means (to me)...

1. A heart's legitimate desire necessitates a wait. It endures the test of time. A sustained longing is not changed by mood or hormonal levels or circumstance. It is strengthened by time. Things of great esteem and value take time.

2. God will trump the desires of our heart if it affects our destiny. God will never say "no" flippantly or without a reason. If you have desired something and seasons have changed without fruition of that desire, look for what is present and not what is absent. The very thing that we lack or desire will be used by God to bring us to our destiny. Everything you seem to desire gets your focus on what you lack, but God does not turn a deaf ear to you. God hears your longings, and God is still good!

3. There is a place in our relationship with God where we will know the greatest delight and you will come to a place where you will be someone that you never thought you could be. Delight in God is a demonstration of our faith and a natural outpouring of our great love for Him. Delight is like laughing, when you pitch your head back and laugh with great joy. We were created to delight in our Father.

4. Nothing is passive about patiently waiting for desire to turn into delight. "Be still before the Lord." Psalms 37:7. To be still means to stop. Hold your peace. Be silent. Just listen.

5. God did not come into your life to be your priority. He came to be your life! He is not just the most important thing in your life. He is your life.

In sum, this Psalm of David means that if you delight in the Lord, He becomes your greatest desire -- you want only to know more of Him -- and that is the satisfaction of your heart's greatest desire.

Amen, sista!

It is September.

This is the month for which we have been waiting for nearly a year now.

This is the month that we will adopt our embryos.

This is the month that I may be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). This is also the month my heart could be broken (again).

Plane ticket. Check.

Hotel reservation. Check.

Car rental. Check.

Babysitter/dogsitter. Check. (Thanks, Mom).

Adoption agreements are signed and notarized, and about to be put in the mail.

Lord, Your will be done. My hands are open. You give, and You take a way. And still, I will choose to say, blessed be Your name. I've surrendered. I'm vulnerable. I want this to work. I really, really do. My great prayer request is that each of Ohio's embryos are thawed and survive, and that the transfer results in a pregnancy and a live birth. I want this.

I see a hazy fog ahead. And I'm about to walk into it.

Update.

I heard back from Tenn and the (very sweet) nurse emphasized that it was "ok", that we can correct it. Love the optimism!
So looks like I'm going to alter between a higher and lower dosage every other day. I'm going to take my 125 mcg tomorrow, and my 150 mcg the next day, so on and so on.
I think it will take at least a couple weeks to see the results of this new regime, but I hope to have at least one more test before the transfer.

On another note, I heard back from Michigan! What a sweet, sweet gal. She even sent pictures! And Ohio just released her email address, so I sent my "get to know you" email to her.

Funny thing -- they both have daughters with the same name. Yet, the daughters are about 7 years apart (interesting with name trends and all).

Strangely beautiful.

I cheated.

On Friday, I broke down and went to the doctor for a thyroid test (my "official" 6 week test will be Sept 7). I'd been feeling very tired lately and feared that my thyroid had raised the white flag and given up on working with me.
Today, I got the results.
Not what I expected. My level is now .17 and I've swung the other way and now am hypERthyroid (vs. hypothyroid). So, I'm overcorrected. My primary doc said to cut back the dosage, but I don't know what that means, in practical terms. I suppose it means that I'm not taking my dosage tomorrow.
For those of you new to the wonderful world of that butterfly gland in your throat that controls EVERYthing in your body, hyperthyroidism means my body is producing too much of the thyroid gland. In pregnancy, it is very dangerous as it can often result in miscarriage. So, as you can imagine, it's critical that my thyroid be at the right place prior to the transfer on September 18. The "right" place is between 1-2. So, we're definitely a lot closer than we were in June when my level was at 13, but it's still not quite right.
I have an email into our nurse at NEDC to see what they say.
As an echo to the prayer from my new friend Krisa, I just pray that Dr. K has wisdom to know what to do, and that ultimately, God as the all-powerful physician, will perform a no small feat in my body and get this gland to *finally* cooperate so that at transfer time, I can be in the "best" shape I can be.

Update.

We just heard from our caseworker that Michigan is open to a more "open" arrangement than they originally thought! Yay! We talk to our caseworker in less than an hour and we'll know more. I'm also waiting for the email address of Ohio so I can send my first official hola letter to them and hopefully build a baby step (pun intended) relationship.
I also have my first ultrasound and labs today.
More to report later!

Update: I sent my first email off to Michigan! We'll see how that goes... ; ) Waiting for Ohio's address so I can email them! We've also "approved" each openness agreement. Now we wait to see if the donors agree, and then we get them notarized, and we've officially "adopted" our embryos.
I had my first ultrasound and blood test today. It's just a baseline to make sure my uterine home is clean before they start adding all the baby-proofing stuff.
Of interesting note: Two years ago, when we did IVF, the doctor only counted 9 resting follicles. That's when they thought I had an ovarian reserve issue (normal for my age is 15). A year ago, when we did our clinical trial, they counted 16 follicles. At the time, the doctor had no medical explanation for that (you are supposed to lose follicles over time). One doctor opined that maybe it was because I was eating more organic food. I had to chuckle at that. So today, to my surprise, the doctor counted 20 resting follicles. Maybe it's my gluten-free diet this time (chuckle). I think not. I think God may have something to do with it.
Doesn't matter none for this cycle, but just nice to see God work in mysterious ways.

Further update: Tennessee just called and said "everything looks great." Translation -- I'm on my period and have no chance of ovulating. Only in this small universe of FETs with EA does someone with infertility consider that "great". Start estrogen tomorrow!

Openness Agreements

Yay! We just received the "interview" reports from our adoption agency and their discussions with each donating family.

The reports are incredibly thorough and basically are their lives on paper. As I was reading Ohio's intently (and skimming a little), I felt butterflies aflutter when I scrolled to where it talked about openness. I have been *dying* to communicate via email with our donors prior to the transfer. I want to get to know these people, and I try not to think about if EA doesn't work, what that means for our "relationship." But for some reason, getting to know our donors is one of the most EXCITING things about this process. Is that weird? (probably).

In any case, when I saw that Ohio was willing to communicate directly with me via email before the transfer (like right now!), I just closed my eyes and said, "thank you, Lord," and breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. I'm already drafing my first email in my head. Ok. Yes. I am weird.

So once I got past that paragraph, I was able to relax a bit and actually go back and read Ohio's profile thoroughly. I just soaked it all in. You guys -- this was not an "accidental" match. God completely orchestrated this match. (As I knew always it would be, but seeing words on paper about our beloved Ohio couple, just confirmed it). In fact, in a strange way, it feels similar to how it was when we first met our birthmom. Just. Right. Like this is what we've waited for.

I felt the exact same way when I read Michigan's interview (although I'm less certain if Michigan wants to communicate directly right now).

I still don't know our purpose in all of this -- it may or may not be a baby. And I'm slowly getting "okay" with that. I'm trying to just have open hands in all of this. God gives, and He takes away. I'm reminded of that daily.

We also got a copy of the openness agreement, a bunch of legalese. We get to talk with our case worker in just over an hour. So more to post later!

Update: We just spoke with our case worker. Not much more to report. I'll review the openness agreement and give the written okay that we'd like to start email communication with Ohio. The caseworker is set to meet with Michigan tomorrow night, and we have another meeting with our caseworker Thursday morning. Michigan is a little more hesitant about the openness process -- don't know how much, when, etc.

This is starting to get a little more exciting. ; )

I'm ready again.

For newborn diapers. For sleeping only 3 hours at a time. For expensive formula. For that infant cry. For that smell. For all of it.

A year ago, I was not. Even a month ago, I was not. I've slowly been getting close, but I'm officially there. I want to go back there again. I'm ready.

Our precious boy is now almost 2 years old. I've loved every second of being with him (yes, even during the temper tantrums and blow out diapers). But I'm ready to give him a sibling.

I'm even ready to forego the pregnancy to just have the baby. Here. I'm ready.

Yes, we'll still go forward with EA. Yes, we will go back as many times as it takes (probably just twice) until each embaby we're adopting has been given the best chance at life.

But then, if it doesn't work (I'm hoping for the best, preparing/expecting the worst), I'm eager to get back on the adoption wait list again and wait for God to bring us our next child. (I'm, of course, praying that is His will!)

I'm sure it will be a long wait (returning families tend to have longer waits), but I'm just ready to be on the list again. Thankfully, since our homestudy is already done, it should (hopefully) be just a matter of some paperwork (and a rather large check) and then we can wait (im)patiently for our baby to arrive.

I'm ready for it all again. I want my toddler boy, and I want my next baby.

First shot.

I wasn't really nervous until just a few minutes before I had to do the first shot. Then my heart started pounding. I hate needles. But I have to do this. Tygh has already left for the morning and it's up to me.
So I get out the needle, put the medicine in, pinch some skin on my belly, and inject. The pain of the poke only lasts a second, and before I know it, the medicine is in and it's over. It happened so quickly, I actually second guessed whether I had put the right amount of medicine in the syringe.
But it's over now. The first poke has happened. We're in this. In just about a month, God willing, we'll be in Tennessee adopting our embryos. Sometimes, waves of excitement flood over me, but I just can't allow them to linger for too long. Then I just remember the phone call after our IVF, and it quickly hastens me back to reality.
Neither Tygh nor I feel confident this will work. Maybe that's just a protective mechanism. I have friends for whom IVF and EA worked, and friends for whom they did not I can just as easily be in one category as another.
Lord, thank you that the first shot was "easy". Please just continue to calm my spirit and my heart as this journey proceeds. This is all Yours. We're just following You. We trust Your purpose in all of this, for we know it is ultimately goodness.

Over it (almost).

Forewarned... more honest and raw thoughts...

I am (almost) over the desire to be pregnant. Instead of it being a huge flaming bonfire that consumes my daily thoughts, its now mostly a steady, but waning, flame.

Although this must have been coming on slowly, it didn't really hit me until last night. Yes, I would love to be pregnant, but at what cost? Before we decided to do EA, we were "trying" for so long to get pregnant. And, contrary to popular belief, that can be so un-fun. So, we're over that. I much prefer to have a "normal -not - trying" intimacy life with my husband than the timed and scheduled intimacy life that controlled and consumed so much of our time.

And now, with EA, at what cost am I pursuing my desire to become pregnant? I'm staring down the barrel of consuming myself with needles, ultrasounds, blood tests, long flights, bed rests, and abstaining from picking up my son and twirling him around above me. That last one is particularly hard to swallow. I love to pick up my son, hold him above me, and bury my face in his belly and tickle him as he laughs uncontrollably. I won't be able to do that for at least a week after I get home. That may sound like not a lot of time, and I can hear the responses in my head, "well, it may be worth it!" Is it? Really? It would only be "worth" it if I ended up pregnant. But is THAT even worth it? Again, I seem to be elevating my own desire for pregnancy over the son I already have. That doesn't sit well with me.

The only reason we pursued EA over another traditional adoption was to fulfill this desire in me to be pregnant. And now, well, honestly, I'm just slowly losing that strong desire. And I'm THANKFUL for that.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of mixed feelings about it, too. I still very much WANT to be pregnant. That desire will remain until it is fulfilled or God takes it away. But that desire is starting to take a back seat to my desire to JUST GROW MY FAMILY AND BE A MOM. I know pregnancy is not the only way to do that. And if my desire for pregnancy starts chipping away at growing my family and being a mom to my son, then I need to shelve that desire. Which, thankfully, God seems to be doing for me.

I want this EA to work. We feel led to pursue this path. Please don't mistake that. I want this EA, the first time, to result in pregnancy and allow me to experience what it's like to have a physical life grow inside of me. I do want that. If it doesn't work the first time, I think we will probably go back a second time until each of the 7 embryos we are adopting has been tried. But after that, I really think we're done. Done with it all. Buh-bye needles, buh-bye any kind of fertility treatment, buh-bye calendars and ultrasounds and blood tests and slowly depleting our bank account. Buh-bye timed intimacy, buh-bye ovulation kits, buh-bye pregnancy tests, and buh-bye painful phone calls from nurses telling us that, yet again, our monthly desire for a pregnancy has fallen short.

I'm DONE with all of that. My desire for pregnancy is not as strong as my desire to return to a "normal" life and be my husband's girlfriend, and my son's mother. We will continue to grow our family by pursuing domestic adoption. I will still long and pray to be pregnant, but that desire will no longer be allowed to roam free in my world and take up residency where other things -- like just living life -- should be.

PS -- I have a TON of mixed feelings about this entire post. But, in my raw honesty, I share them anyway.

Medication Protocol.

The meds arrived the other day. A big cardboard box on my front stoop.

I opened the box up and got a sick, sick feeling in my stomach when I saw ALL those needles and medications. All this paperwork to read. It brought me back to the IVF cycle (almost 2 years to the date). I felt physically ill. Do I REALLY want to go through this again?

If you have never done IVF (or a FET or embryo adoption), something changes in you once you poke that first needle. You become a slave to a calendar, to ultrasound appointments, to blood tests. It is not fun. For me, this time around, I'm really not looking forward to it.

Today, I received my medication protocol. I feel so overwhelmed. Here it is in a nutshell (I'm writing this mostly for my benefit as I can't see that the following is interesting to anyone):

8/17: start Lupron
8/21: stop birth control pills; continue with Lupron
8/26: ultrasound and labs
8/27-30: start Estrace; continue with Lupron
8/31-9/4: increase Estrace; continue with Lupron
9/5: stop Lupron
9/5-9/13: increase Estrace
9/13: ultrasound and labs
9/14: start progesterone (aka the "ouch" shot) 1x/day; continue Estrace
9/15-9/16: progesterone 2x/day

Then I just get confused by what goes on 9/17 and 18, but the transfer is set for the 18th.

As you can imagine, I have a call into the nurse because I'm utterly confused by a lot of this.

Lord -- I feel overwhelmed and just exhausted by looking at all of this. Please give me peace that this will all work out how You want it to. I pray that my "body home" will be in the best shape it can be to welcome these new little lives. And from there, well, it's all up to You. Do as You see fit.

Amen.

Some raw honesty.

I ordered our medicine today.

I feel neither good nor bad about that. Probably a little scared. You see, I've been down this road before -- kind of -- with IVF -- almost 2 years to the date. And it failed. I harbor no expectation that embryo adoption will work. I'm hopeful, but very very cautious and very guarded. I know that God is sovereign. I know that He already knows the outcome. I'm not afraid of my God, but I am reverently fearful of Him and His will and His perfect plan for my life. It may not be my idea of my perfect plan. But, if I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. I take this to mean that if I delight myself in my God, then my desires become His desires. I start to want what HE wants for me. Sure, I still have my fleshly desires to be pregnant and carry a child. I believe He placed those in me and, God willing, one day He will fulfill them, or take them away. I believe that.

But I'm not looking forward to this. This is my raw honesty. I'm not looking forward to the needle injections again. I'm not really looking forward to flying halfway across the country to Tennessee again (although they are a lovely bunch!). I'm not looking forward to 48 hours of bedrest. I'm not looking forward to abstaining from picking up my beautiful (but over 25 pound!) 21-month-old that I love so dearly (not allowed to pick him up for 2 weeks). And I'm really not looking forward to the beta test. (I will not stress myself out with a pregnancy test beforehand).

You see, I've received THAT call many many times before. Negative. Then I sob uncontrollably, yell at God, and curse at my body. So I'm a little guarded.

I don't know what my purpose is in this. I just know that we feel led on this path, but it may not be for a pregnancy. It may be to "release" these lives on hold to heaven. And although I don't like being the "martyr" for that cause, here I am. I feel I am being obedient.

We've turned down at least 2 leads for domestic adoption to continue on this path. We've put our own plans for a domestic adoption to continue on this path. We have essentially put our lives on hold to go down this path.

Do I really "want" to be doing this? Quite honestly, not really. I've been on a gluten free diet for over 4 months now to help "prep" my body (I have a gluten sensitivity). I miss bread. I want to eat a peanut butter sandwich, by golly! I've put my body through rigor to get my thyroid at the "optimal" level. And I just want to be done with it. I want to get off birth control and eat bread and have my thyroid do what it will and JUST.BE.

And yet, time after time, when I've gotten on my knees, face to the floor, and prayed that God would steer me off this path if it was not His will, He would. And He has not. If anything, He's confirmed this is what we are supposed to be doing.

Yes, this will all be hard to swallow if this does not result in a pregnancy. Very hard to swallow. But again, I just pray for peace. If I have peace, I can get through all of this and be okay with the outcome.

Lord -- I want what YOU want in this. You have a better plan than I do. You brought us our son that we love so much and if we had not struggled with infertility, we would not have been led to adopt, and we wouldn't have our son.

Some really raw honesty? I cannot imagine my life without my son. So, God, thank you for my infertility.

It is set!

I just heard from the nurse coordinator in Tennessee. We are confirmed for a September transfer! Thank you, Lord!

I still have to say, because it's my nature, that if my thyroid levels are out of whack when I get them re-checked, things can always change. But for now, we're set for September 18. The nurse said she will be working on medication protocol over the next couple of weeks, so we hope to hear from her soon.

We are also waiting to hear from our adoption coordinator about the adoption paperwork with our genetic families.

The roller coaster is speeding up.

A date. For now.

We have tentatively been scheduled for a transfer date of September 18!

We would have to arrive in Tennessee on September 17th, and the transfer would likely be in the morning of the 18th. I believe we'd be cleared to fly home the late afternoon/evening of the 19th.

There is a HUGE asterisk on this date, in my book. And that totally depends on what my thyroid levels are in 6 weeks. I started taking the new dosage this morning. I even read the disclaimer language that comes with all mediciations (you know that big pamphlet that you just throw away). I think this may be the first time in over 15 years of being on thyroid replacement meds that I actually read this thing. I noticed something interesting. It said "do not take for treatment of infertility, unless infertility is linked with thyroid levels". Hmmm. Not really sure what to make of this.

In any case, it's nice to have a date. For now.

The embryologist said she would first thaw Ohio's embryos until she had 2-3 to transfer. If only one survived, she would start thawing Michigan's embryos until there is a total of 2-3 to transfer. I'm not even going to pretend to understand the logistics of the timing of it all. Outta my hands.

And speaking of that, I came across this great poem today on another's blog. Very fitting:


Waiting
"But those who wait on the Lord will find strength. They will fly high like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. The will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Desperately,
helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently,
lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate.....

and the Master so gently said,
Wait.

Wait? you say wait?
my indignant reply.
Lord, I need answers,
I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened?
Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance
and you tell me to Wait?

I'm needing a yes,
a go-ahead sign.
Or even a no,
to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord,
that if we believe,
We need but to ask,
and we shall receive.

Lord, I've been asking,
and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking!
I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, Wait.
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God,
So, I'm waiting
for what?????

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine....
and He tenderly said,
I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and
darken the sun. I could raise the dead
and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek
and
pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want
but
you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know
the depth of My love
for each saint.

You'd not know
the power that I give
to the faint.

You'd not learn to see
through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust
just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy
of resting in Me
when darkness and silence
are all you can see.

You'd never experience
the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit
descends like a dove.

You would know that I give,
and I save, for a start,
But, you'd not know the depth
of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort
late into the night,
the faith that I give
when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond
getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who
makes what you have last.

You'd never know should
your pain quickly flee.
what it means that My grace
is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams
overnight would come true,
but, oh, the loss, if you missed
what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child
and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts
is to truly know me.

And though oft My answers
seem terribly late,
My most precious answer
of all is still........

Wait.

An update -- kind of.

I received word from Tennessee this morning that the doctor is adjusting my dosage again to hopefully get my levels down even more -- trying to hit that 1-2 level mark.

I'm supposed to get re-checked again in 6 weeks. That will put me at the first full week of September.

As of now, they don't "think" that will affect my September transfer, but it is cutting it awfully close.

I'm not necessarily optimistic that we'll be in the September group, but if this is what it takes for my body to be in the best possible shape for a healthy transfer, then I'm trying to see it as a positive thing.

Just more waiting.

Update.

Monday: We spoke with our adoption coordinator about our level of openness. We actually got to learn the names of our genetic families, but for privacy reasons, I won't post here. Suffice it to say, they are both very traditional, lovely names. The coordinator will now speak with each family and get their level of openness. Once we have an agreement, the adoption paperwork and all the legal "stuff" will be put together. I did reiterate that I'd really love to be able to email with both of the genetic donors (at least the women) by email before the transfer. Hopefully they will want that, too!

Tuesday: I had my blood drawn for my thyroid test. You'll recall 6 weeks ago, in Tennessee, the doctor noticed my thyroid was very large and asked that it get tested. It was at a level 13. (Normal levels are between 1-5; but preferred levels for pregnancy is 1-2). So the dr. immediately changed my meds (dosage, brand, etc) and I've been taking them religiously ever since. Religiously means every day, on an empty stomach, nowhere near calcium (which counteracts the effectiveness).

I went in and a phlebotomy student asked if he could take my blood. I said sure, so long as he was good, because I hate needles. Well, of course, he wasn't. He missed my vein, started digging, and eventually the nurse came over and demanded that he remove the needle. He didn't get any blood, so the nurse came over and jabbed my other arm. I have a bruise today on the other.

Today: My doctor very kindly sent me results first thing this morning, and they were at a 3.71. This is certainly a big improvement, but it's still not within the magic 1-2 mark. I sent the results to Tennessee, and they are going to get back to me.

My head has been spinning all day as to what they may do, and I'm trying really hard not to speculate, and just trust that whatever they decide is all a part of God's greater plan. So, I wait. And you get to wait with me. ; )

Love from Michigan.

Our Michigan couple has 'accepted' us! I have to be honest, that when it didn't happen as quickly as Ohio, I started to get a little nervous. Maybe they wanted a family that didn't have children already? Maybe they don't like blondes? Maybe my 5'2 (and a half) frame is too short for the 5'10 Irish/German brunette?

Michigan was also given a week to look at our profile, and chose us within 24 hours. Thank you, Lord, for not making us wait on this!

Both of these profiles have been referred to our adoption agency to start the openness arrangements. I remain hopeful that we will be able to communicate directly with them prior to the transfer.

I did learn that the couple that had adopted Ohio's other 6 embryos had previously "accepted" all 9, but after they did not achieve pregnancy (for whatever reason) with the 6, they "released" the other 3 back to Ohio. I can only speculate as to what reasons for that may be. Maybe they were disenchanted with the embryos, with the process. Maybe they tried two transfers with these embryos and decided to pursue other options after they were not successful. I'm trying not to analyze it too much. Ultimately, these embryos were "released" back to Ohio so that we could adopt them! Is that too Pollyanna? I don't think so. I think that's God.

I have to admit that yesterday I was very bummed that we now have two sets of embryos from two different couples. It's like adopting two babies at the same time from two different birthmoms. If you're unfamiliar with this process, it just seems straight weird. Heck, even I will admit it feels a little weird.

But now I'm actually embracing it. One of the benefits of an open embryo adoption is that we now have the pleasure of embarking on this journey with another couple who is JUST AS INVESTED in the outcome as we are. That is another family, another extended family, another prayer circle, many states and time zones away, who want this to work just as much as we do. Now, we've doubled that pleasure by having TWO families, two extended families, two more prayer circles who want this to work just as much as we do. That is just plain awesome. We feel humbled and privileged that these couples have chosen us to try and further the lives of these embryos and, God willing, be their parents.

I've always been humbled by the selfless acts of birthmoms. Today, I am humbled by the selfless acts of genetic families. These families love these embryos. They are their flesh and blood (in really raw form). These couples also struggled with infertility and loss and grief. And I'm sure that when these embryos were created, it was a miracle, and they never envisioned "giving them away" to a couple they had never met. We feel privileged that they would hand over such an amazing gift of life to us.

One other neat fact -- Michigan's 4 embryos that we are adopting were likely frozen within days/weeks of when Brae was born! That is just plain cool.

As a practical matter, I do not know how the embryologist will work out the whole thawing process in our situation. I suspect, but do not know, that she will thaw Ohio's 3 and transfer whichever ones survive (1-3). Then if Ohio's doesn't result in pregnancy, we will go back again and try with Michigan.

I have my thyroid test next Tuesday. That test will likely determine whether we are going in September or November for our transfer. How lovely that a tiny butterfly-shaped gland in my body has so much control. I do feel that my thyroid levels have definitely changed in the last 6 weeks, because I have so much energy I have difficulty falling asleep at night. I'm like a flea on a hot skillet -- constantly. So I hope my thyroid has not over corrected.

"Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am TRUSTING You. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to You." -- Psalm 143:8.

A curve ball.

I received a call this morning from our coordinator at NEDC. She informed us that although Ohio couple DID have 9 embryos at one point (3 blastocysts; 6 multi-cell), that another family had already adopted the 6 multi-cell embryos and did not achieve pregnancy. So our Ohio couple has only 3 blastocysts to donate.

Because NEDC requires us to be matched with at least 6 embryos, we could either 1) select a "backup" couple or 2) not proceed with Ohio and start the match process all over again.

This was a major shock and a major blow. We did not see this coming. I made a game time decision to proceed with Ohio and look at "backup" couples. I did this for a few reasons. One, we love our Ohio couple. It is as close to a "perfect" match as we could envision. Second, we feel committed and connected to this couple, and believe that they are relying on us as much as we are on them. Third, because of our "pickiness", we have already so narrowed the pool that it would be hard to start the matching process all over again. Fourth, because many of the couples have fewer than 6 embryos, we'd likely have to have another backup couple anyway.

The added complexity with doing it this way is that we have to get matched with a backup couple that has at least 3 embryos also frozen at day 5 (blastocyst). You can't transfer a day 3 and a day 5 embryo for obvious reasons. The babies need to grow at the same stage together.

So our coordinator sent us 2 profiles. As further evidence of how small our pool is since we 1) want an open adoption, 2) do not want egg/sperm donors, and 3) need at least 3 blastocysts, our coordinator accidentally sent us a profile that we had already rejected. So, we rejected that one again. We did select the other couple as the "backup" couple. The coordinator is sending our profile to them for them to accept/reject us.

This couple is a little younger. They live in Michigan. (We don't know the ages of the Ohio couple, but we suspect mid-30s; embryos likely frozen about 5 years ago). Michigan wife is 28; he is 29. Unlike Ohio, they did not provide a picture. But they have twins -- a boy and a girl born in August 2009. They have 4 embryos, frozen at day 5. We assume they were frozen around the time she acheived pregnancy, so about 18 months ago. So they are relatively "new" snowflake babies.

They are both 5'10 (tall girl!). Both Caucasian, brown hair, brown eyes, medium builds, both of Irish/German descent. They are both college educated. She is an account manager; he is an electrician. Just like Ohio, they have spotless medical histories.

They both love country music (sorry, Tygh! -- but I'm a huge fan). He likes to hunt, fish, boat, camp. His favorite movie is Top Gun. She's a swimmer and loves Kenny Chesney.

All in all, they are a great match. In fact, if we had not already found Ohio, we'd be thrilled to be matched with Michigan. It's just the strange turn of events. And now they have to choose us back. If they don't, who knows where we'll be.

If this works, we will adopt all 7 of the embryos. Ohio's 3 will be thawed first, and see where that gets us. Michigan's would only be thawed if necessary. If pregnancy was not achieved, then we could go back again and try with any of Michigan's that remain.

It is not lost on me that Ohio's 6 (frozen at day 3 or 4) that were previously adopted did not result in a pregnancy. Statistically, blastocysts have a higher success rate than those embryos frozen at day 3 or 4. However, NEDC has assured us that those national stats have not proven accurate at their facility, and they have had equal success rates with embryos frozen at all stages.

This is all even more strange because just this morning I was thinking how much easier it would be to just do domestic adoption again. Yes, the emotional part would probably be the same. Yes, the financial part would probably be the same (after we got the domestic adoption tax credit). But with domestic adoption, I won't have to put myself through the physical rigor that embryo adoption will require. It will be a mini-IVF all over again.

And then my beloved sis-in-law, Kelly, sent me a great email this morning that set the stage for the events that followed. It was a daily devotional titled "The Plans of the Builder/Have Thy Own Way, Lord".

I quote, "Plans change, whether we like it or not. God's intervention in our lives always suits His purposes. He is the homeowner and we obey by adjusting our perspective and and following His blueprint with each situation. Lord, You're the builder, and I'm the worker. I will put my plans for today in second place and allow Your divine purposes to rule. "

Am I reaching too much by again acknowledging that Michigan husband is an electrician -- get it -- God is builder -- he is electrician -- no? ; )

Happy tears!

Ohio couple chose us back! Yay! I got the surprise email in my inbox this morning!

It was a surprise mostly because it happened so quickly -- we just chose last night (at least it was night eastern time), and apparently they accepted very quickly because it was in my inbox very early eastern time this morning! (And they were given a week to make their decision)!

To my other surprise, when I saw that, I just burst into happy tears.

It's been a whirlwind week with the NEDC.

Now, the match has been sent to Bethany to mediate the openness agreement. We're told that we should not expect to hear anything from them for 2-3 weeks because they are working on the July matches. Also in 2-3 weeks is when I go in for my thyroid test.

And in the midst of all this, I cannot forget the one amazing little boy who God has already blessed us with. I love Brae with all that I am and Tygh and I are so blessed to be his parents. We are thankful for our infertility journey because without it, we would not have that little boy, who has brought us such joy, and apart from each other, is our greatest gift here on this earth.

We've made a choice!!!!!!

YAY! It feels SO good to say that!

Here's the rundown: We got the 3 profiles and Tygh and I looked at them separately and we had both chosen the same one first! (I knew we would).

Here's what we know:

They live in Ohio. Both Caucasian of German descent (like me!). They have twins; a boy and a girl. They have 9 embryos (so we won't need to be matched with any other couples -- this is our one shot!). He is 6'2; she is 5'6. He has brown hair; brown eyes. He weighs 230. She has brown hair; blue eyes. She weighs 120. (okay, right about now I feel like we're "shopping" for a match -- please don't take it that way -- this is just the couple we felt most connected with).

They are both college graduates; she has her masters degree. He is a Director of Purchasing. She is an HR Manager.

Now for the major commonalities: He loves 80s music! (huge plus in my book). He loves James Bond movies; the Rolling Stones; golf; played college football; and plays 3 instruments!
And get this... SHE loves 80s music! And she was a cheerleader! She plays 2 instruments!
So Tygh and I were smitten with all of the above (we got a lot more detail than this in the profile, but the blog post would be really long). But, to boot, they were the one profile of all the 6 that had pictures. And, can I just say, they are a mighty fine couple with two GORGEOUS children.
So next steps are that the coordinator will send our profile to them (yikes, hard for me to remember what we said; what pictures we sent -- hope they were good!), and if they "accept" us in return (please, Lord!), then we work with the adoption agency to arrange an openness agreement. I hope they are open enough to chatting via email or on the phone before the transfer.

Can you tell we've fallen in love with a family in Ohio?!

Thank you, Jesus, for making this couple stand out so profoundly to us! Onward!

More Profiles!

There was an unexpected email in my inbox this morning! Three more profiles to review! Woo hoo!
The coordinator did say that because we do not want egg/sperm donor, that excludes about 30-35 percent of the donor pool. We're okay with that -- smaller selection means God is narrowing down the group we have to select from -- and getting even closer to that match or matches we believe He had planned for all along. We have been praying very specifically for whatever couple/embabies we would get matched with since before we started this process almost 10 months ago!
We pray that our embabies/match couple is in this group of 3, or at least one of them is. More likely than not we'll have to do a second round of matches because the couple we select will have less than 6 embryos (most of them do).
So Tygh and I will review separately and then compare notes tonight.
Exciting to be at this stage!
We want obedience every step of the way. We believe God honors obedience. We don't know what that looks like for us in this situation -- we pray a pregnancy -- but it may be for a higher purpose.