If it's negative.

If the beta is negative, it will not be my fault.

I know you all are going "duh!", but for me, this is an important truth I need to understand. You see, I am a master at self-preservation and have had this mountain of a wall around me to protect my heart from another phone call saying, to me, that I failed. Again.

This is an area I'm really trying to work on in my life. And I believe God has used our infertility struggle to help me change this attitude.

So, if it is negative, all it means is that God said "no" or "not yet", and He allowed this pregnancy to not be viable. I will still believe that He directed us on this path, but I may not understand the purpose. Maybe not even on this side of heaven. If it is negative, I didn't do anything wrong. God is bigger than my failing body, so if He wanted it, it could have happened. That it didn't, I can't control.

If it is negative, I will continue to praise Him. It will definitely be a choice, not necessarily driven by feeling. It will be a step of obedience taken without the assurance of a changed circumstance or the elimination of a trial. It will be praise focused on God, not the circumstance, and I will fix my gaze upon God's truth and His character instead of the trial at hand.

THE OUTCOME IS NEITHER MY RESPONSIBILITY NOR MY GOAL.

Praise begins and ends with faith in the very nature, personality, and integrity of God. And that never changes.

No matter what lies ahead, God is faithful.

At this point, these embryos are either with Jesus, or God willing, we will be able to introduce them to Him. I can't be too upset about either one of those.

And from a practical standpoint, we still have 4 embryos we have adopted who have donors that are counting on us.

So, unless God directs us otherwise, we will return to Tenn in November.

** On a side note, I plan on taking the the blood test Tuesday, and working from home the rest of the day. I will not answer any phone call from Tenn until Tygh is with me. And, if it's negative, I will be sad. I will cry. It will hurt. And I plan on arming myself with a one-pager of uplifting statements and verses to ward off the lies that will otherwise be piling up in my head. If any of you have some positive, inspirational sayings or verses you'd like to share (and that you'd want to hear in my position), please pass them on.

An email from our donor.

This evening, I received the most amazing email from our first donor, whom I had emailed earlier to tell her the results.

This is an excerpt from her email. I am so truly humbled and honored to have been a part of this process.

"When I received this email I was with my daughter walking into Saturday Mass. I had such a sense of overwhelming peace when I read it just outside the church. It feels like our (and I'm including both of you in the "our") babies have found their home. This feels like it was written in God's plans and it is so very right. I spent the mass praying and thanking God for the two babies, asking that they find their new home with their mommy a safe and healthy place to develop into full term babies. You both have been an answer to our prayers."

Wow. Just wow.

PUPO with twins!

Let's start with the positive news -- Tygh and I are officially PUPO with twins! This is not necessarily unfamiliar territory because we have been PUPO with twins before (IVF). But these twins we have adopted.

Now for the news to get to that positive news.

I was initially bummed that our appointment was at 1:30 today. However, that ended up being a tremendous blessing in disguise. Last night, I was privileged to have dinner with a fellow EA mom who had her transfer on Thursday -- also PUPO with twins. She and her husband introduced us to Calhoun's -- The Best of Tennessee restaurant. Barbeque you could die for! It was an awesome evening of fellowship. They prayed for us twice, and once with Tygh putting his hand on my belly. Prayed that God had created the optimum level in my womb to receive these embryos, and that they would snuggle in and continue to grow. I feel so blessed to have connected with her -- Thank you Krisa!

When we got back to the hotel, Tygh and I were both beat. But apparently not beat enough to cause a restful sleep. I was up every 2 hours going pee (sensitive bladder, especially when I'm anxious/excited/nervous), and Tygh was just restless all night too. So we did get a chance to at least be restless together until about 10 am this morning.

Then I took some of my meds I'm supposed to take -- one of them a heavy duty antibiotic. That I took on an empty stomach. Bad. Bad. Bad idea. (TMI warning) -- I puked in the toilet. Just a few hours before the transfer.

Then we got to the clinic and, during our mock trial in June, I had overfilled my bladder and it was MISERABLE. So this time, I tried to pace myself. I have a history of UT infections, so I have an especially sensitive bladder. However, I was apparently not full enough and so they had to put a catheter in me and fill me up to the brim. They they squirted ALCOHOL inside of me. Can you talk about major major major burning? I went through 4 nurse hands because I was squeezing so hard and crying. So painful. They kept telling me to just relax. And one of the nurses, bless her heart, tried to "take me to the beach" in my mind. My beach was not warm and sandy. It was rainy and rocky. Not good at mental visuals when I'm in pain.

Then they transferred the 2 embryos. They had thawed three, but one didn't survive. The 2 are from our "first" donor, from Ohio. The embryologist graded them 3AA and 4AB, and they were expanding blasts. I don't pretend to know all of what that means, except I think the best of the best is a grade of 6AA with hatching blasts. But God is in control.

Then I rested in the recovery room and had a bedpan for the whole time. Such a relief! And I got to meet Ashley -- another blogger. What a treat. And then I connected with a girl in the "curtain" over from me. It was so neat to be able to trade stories while we're both flat on our back, curtains in between us so we can't even see each other, and bedpans under our bums. Good times.

So, just learned that our blood test is the 28th. If it is positive, we go back the 30th.

I can say I am not confident this is going to result in a pregnancy. But I have peace. I feel good, calm, rested. This has definitely been a worthwhile journey, regardless of the result.

And, if it doesn't work this month, we have 4 more embryos we have adopted from Michigan, so we will return in November to transfer those. If that doesn't work, we plan to seek God's will and listen to His leading, but expect to be back on the domestic list early next year.

Ps. 139 14-18
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
and my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

Appointment set!

I just learned that our appointment will be at 1:30 p.m. on Saturday. It's later than I thought it would be, but I'm told the time is set.

I'm trying to see this change in the positive light. Maybe Tygh and I can go for a walk in lovely Knoxville in the morning!

Update #2.

I just spoke with NEDC. I feel much better.

They said that the doctor said that we just adjusted my medication 2 weeks ago and it's really too soon to re-test it. It normally takes 4-6 weeks for a medication adjustment to take place when it comes to thyroid medicine. So even though I'm still over corrected (and even a little worse than before), he didn't seem concerned.

Transfer is not cancelled.

She assured me that it is better to be over corrected than under corrected. She also said that there does not appear to be a link between frozen embryo transfer success rate when it comes to hyperthyroidism. She said they will re-check me after the transfer.

And finally, she said that the Doctor would NOT do this transfer if he felt at all uncomfortable with it or that it would affect my chances at pregnancy. He wouldn't do that for me, but most importantly, he wouldn't do that for these embryos. And knowing what I know about him, I believe that.

She chided me (rightfully so) for getting on the internet and snooping. She said she highly advises against that when it gets to this close to a transfer.

I just need to relax. (In my defense, hyperthyroidism does increase your natural levels of anxiety, heart palpitations, insomnia, etc.). So I recognize I may be a little coo-coo for cocoa puffs right now.

Bear with me. I am getting a massage the night before we leave.

Update.

We had our progesterone shot this morning and, praise God, it went off without a hitch. I had put on this numbing creme and I literally did not feel a thing. We also ended up using a smaller gauge needle, which may have helped.

But because of the timing of when I need to do my am shots, Tygh will not be able to do them. So my co-worker/friend has graciously offered to do the am ones for me. Tomorrow, I'll be lying on the floor of my office, door shut, with my dear friend angling a needle at my bum. Sounds lovely.

And my thyroid. Boy oh boy. I still don't know what is going on. Tennessee is doing transfers today, so I may not hear back until later. I got on the internet (bad bad bad) and saw all these things about hyperthyroidism and infertility and miscarriage.

My spirits are pretty low right now. I've never had any confidence this will work (my protective mechanism), and now it seems pretty near impossible. (I recognize I may be a bit overdramatic right now, but it's been a rough morning).

My dear friend gave me this verse today and I'm clinging to it. I'll update when I hear from the doctor.

Hebrews 13:5: "For God Himself has said I will not in any way fail you, nor give you up, nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless, nor foresake you, nor let you down, or relax my hold on you. Assuredly not!"

Thyroid.

Ack. I had my thyroid tested again yesterday and I'm still overcorrected -- in fact, even worse than I was two weeks ago.
I'm just at a loss. I've notified the doctor but I'm just feeling very defeated in this area.

Blood draw and ultrasound.

I had my ultrasound and estradiol blood test today. I know they had wanted to see a uterine lining of 8. When the doctor did the first measurement, it was 7.5. I panicked. Then he did it from a different angle, and it was 8.5. I sighed. A little.
Then I silently freaked out. I've been hearing of other ladies whose linings are like 11, 13, etc. I was feeling inferior, if I must be honest.
And then Dr. Keenan called. Dr. Keenan never calls. Why isn't his nurse calling? I panicked again. He was going to tell me my lining was not thick enough and my estradiol was too low and we have to cancel this month's transfer.

He did not.

He said the lining was good, even though I expressed my doubt. He laughed and told me to not be jealous. (Ha ha). He gave me the rest of my protocol -- I go down to taking estradiol 2/day starting tomorrow. We also start the progesterone shots in the morning.

I'm scared to death of these shots. Not the actual shot itself, but my dear husband who will be administering them. He's terrified of needles and I'm afraid he's not going to be able to do it.

We are supposed to meet with our clinic here tomorrow to have them walk us through it.

Dear God, this is my big prayer request now -- please please let Tygh be able to do these shots and they go off perfectly. Amen.

Birthfamily visit #2

Yesterday was a very special day. Our son got to see his birthfather for the first time since he was born.

Last year, we met at the zoo with Chris's (birthfather) mom, aunt, and grandma. But Chris didn't come.

This year, we were thrilled to learn that not only did Chris want to come, but so did about 9 other family members.

When we arrived at the zoo, Chris was standing in the corner, hands in pocket. You could tell he didn't quite know how to act. Tygh was amazing. He went right up to him, shook his hand, and said "Hey, man, it's been a while. How are you?"

Chris beamed.

Then I took Brae over to Chris. You see, for the last couple of weeks, each night before going to bed, Brae and I would look at a picture of Chris from the hospital the day Brae was born. We'd say "Hi, Chris. We'll see you at the zoo." Then we'd say "Night-night, Chris."

So when I took Brae to meet Chris standing in the corner, I said, "Brae, this is Chris. Remember we said we'd see him at the zoo?" Lightbulb went off.

Brae smiled and said, "Night-night, Chris."

The visit was great. We didn't have our caseworker there, so I was worried we'd struggle for conversation or ice breakers. That was not the case. It was definitely a little awkward at first (how can it not be?), but we all eased into eachother. For the love of a little boy.

Chris's mom and grandma pulled me aside at separate times throughout the visit and just expressed how grateful they were to us. How they were so glad that we were Brae's parents. They were thankful that Chris chose to come. They thought it would be good for him. To see how happy Brae is, and how he is thriving.

Chris's mom gave me some pictures of Chris when he was Brae's age. For the first time, I could not only see the resemblance between the two of them, but was astonished at their physical likeness when they were that age. It startled me because I'd always thought Brae looked like Rachael. I still think he looks more like her, but it was neat to see the physical features compared with Chris.

There were a few sort of, gulp, hold my breath times. I encouraged Chris to push Brae in the stroller, to carry him, and to put him on his shoulders. Chris did, and although it didn't come quite naturally, he eased into it. Tygh would even give him some pointers on how to hold Brae on his shoulders. But, inevitably, after a while, Brae would wiggle out of Chris's arms and reach out and call "Daddy!" to Tygh.

I knew those moments were going to happen, and in my mind, I had half-heartedly hoped they would. But instantly, when it actually did, I regretted thinking that I ever wanted to see that. It was uncomfortable. I didn't want it to hurt Chris. Yes, Tygh is Brae's Daddy. But here is a young man (barely 21) who stepped out and made a bold move by driving 3 hours to see his biological son. I didn't want to see him hurt.

So, when it happened, Tygh and I immediately stepped up to "re-direct" Brae. "Look, Brae! A tiger! Grrr." That helped. You could see the look of relief pass across Chris. A feeling of -- what was it, exactly? Being spared public rejection by his biological son in favor of his father who adopted him? Perhaps.

In all, the visit was great. We took pictures and we all swooned over Brae. It was neat to see all the love surrounding this little boy. What made me most glad was that each one of them got to see some of the things I love most about my son. Like when he throws his head back and does his signature laugh. Or when he clenches all the muscles in his body to show you how strong he is. Or when he jumps. Or spins. Or dances. How he just wants to make other people laugh. They got to see all of that.

As we said our goodbyes and Brae gave everyone hugs (yes, he reached out to give each one of them a hug), and piled Brae back in the car along with all his birthday presents they brought for him, a strange sensation overwhelmed me. For the last year, we've been on this embryo adoption path. For the last several weeks, I've pondered how much "easier" things would be if we were just back on the domestic adoption list. At least I know a baby would come to us that way. Eventually.

But, as we drove away and I saw in the rear view mirror Brae's biological family waving to us, I thought, "Do I really want to go through all of that again? Do I really want to be on the list, waiting, again. Yes, we had an amazing adoption experience, but I know that won't be possible the next time around. Do I want to be wondering if a birthmom will change her mind? Do I want to get entwined with another biological family again?"

And the answer is, "no, but I want another child, a sibling for Brae, and if that is God's plan, then He'll pull me through it."

So here I sit, on a Sunday evening, on the cusp of going to Tennessee in the hopes of bringing home a sibling for Brae. I hope that is God's plan and will. But if not, He'll pull me through it.

Inspiration.

In 10 days, we will be in Tennessee.

I am putting together an "inspiration" list of some of my favorite Bible verses and inspirational sayings friends have given to me over the years.

Some favorites:

"Trust in God's word and power more than you trust your own feelings and experiences."

"May we fear attempting to remove ourselves from the hands of our heavenly Guide, or missing even one lesson of His loving discipline due to our discouragement and doubt."

"The greatest challenge in receiving great things from the Lord is holding on for the last half hour."

... and then, the motherlode:

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

What this means (to me)...

1. A heart's legitimate desire necessitates a wait. It endures the test of time. A sustained longing is not changed by mood or hormonal levels or circumstance. It is strengthened by time. Things of great esteem and value take time.

2. God will trump the desires of our heart if it affects our destiny. God will never say "no" flippantly or without a reason. If you have desired something and seasons have changed without fruition of that desire, look for what is present and not what is absent. The very thing that we lack or desire will be used by God to bring us to our destiny. Everything you seem to desire gets your focus on what you lack, but God does not turn a deaf ear to you. God hears your longings, and God is still good!

3. There is a place in our relationship with God where we will know the greatest delight and you will come to a place where you will be someone that you never thought you could be. Delight in God is a demonstration of our faith and a natural outpouring of our great love for Him. Delight is like laughing, when you pitch your head back and laugh with great joy. We were created to delight in our Father.

4. Nothing is passive about patiently waiting for desire to turn into delight. "Be still before the Lord." Psalms 37:7. To be still means to stop. Hold your peace. Be silent. Just listen.

5. God did not come into your life to be your priority. He came to be your life! He is not just the most important thing in your life. He is your life.

In sum, this Psalm of David means that if you delight in the Lord, He becomes your greatest desire -- you want only to know more of Him -- and that is the satisfaction of your heart's greatest desire.

Amen, sista!

It is September.

This is the month for which we have been waiting for nearly a year now.

This is the month that we will adopt our embryos.

This is the month that I may be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). This is also the month my heart could be broken (again).

Plane ticket. Check.

Hotel reservation. Check.

Car rental. Check.

Babysitter/dogsitter. Check. (Thanks, Mom).

Adoption agreements are signed and notarized, and about to be put in the mail.

Lord, Your will be done. My hands are open. You give, and You take a way. And still, I will choose to say, blessed be Your name. I've surrendered. I'm vulnerable. I want this to work. I really, really do. My great prayer request is that each of Ohio's embryos are thawed and survive, and that the transfer results in a pregnancy and a live birth. I want this.

I see a hazy fog ahead. And I'm about to walk into it.

Update.

I heard back from Tenn and the (very sweet) nurse emphasized that it was "ok", that we can correct it. Love the optimism!
So looks like I'm going to alter between a higher and lower dosage every other day. I'm going to take my 125 mcg tomorrow, and my 150 mcg the next day, so on and so on.
I think it will take at least a couple weeks to see the results of this new regime, but I hope to have at least one more test before the transfer.

On another note, I heard back from Michigan! What a sweet, sweet gal. She even sent pictures! And Ohio just released her email address, so I sent my "get to know you" email to her.

Funny thing -- they both have daughters with the same name. Yet, the daughters are about 7 years apart (interesting with name trends and all).

Strangely beautiful.

I cheated.

On Friday, I broke down and went to the doctor for a thyroid test (my "official" 6 week test will be Sept 7). I'd been feeling very tired lately and feared that my thyroid had raised the white flag and given up on working with me.
Today, I got the results.
Not what I expected. My level is now .17 and I've swung the other way and now am hypERthyroid (vs. hypothyroid). So, I'm overcorrected. My primary doc said to cut back the dosage, but I don't know what that means, in practical terms. I suppose it means that I'm not taking my dosage tomorrow.
For those of you new to the wonderful world of that butterfly gland in your throat that controls EVERYthing in your body, hyperthyroidism means my body is producing too much of the thyroid gland. In pregnancy, it is very dangerous as it can often result in miscarriage. So, as you can imagine, it's critical that my thyroid be at the right place prior to the transfer on September 18. The "right" place is between 1-2. So, we're definitely a lot closer than we were in June when my level was at 13, but it's still not quite right.
I have an email into our nurse at NEDC to see what they say.
As an echo to the prayer from my new friend Krisa, I just pray that Dr. K has wisdom to know what to do, and that ultimately, God as the all-powerful physician, will perform a no small feat in my body and get this gland to *finally* cooperate so that at transfer time, I can be in the "best" shape I can be.

Update.

We just heard from our caseworker that Michigan is open to a more "open" arrangement than they originally thought! Yay! We talk to our caseworker in less than an hour and we'll know more. I'm also waiting for the email address of Ohio so I can send my first official hola letter to them and hopefully build a baby step (pun intended) relationship.
I also have my first ultrasound and labs today.
More to report later!

Update: I sent my first email off to Michigan! We'll see how that goes... ; ) Waiting for Ohio's address so I can email them! We've also "approved" each openness agreement. Now we wait to see if the donors agree, and then we get them notarized, and we've officially "adopted" our embryos.
I had my first ultrasound and blood test today. It's just a baseline to make sure my uterine home is clean before they start adding all the baby-proofing stuff.
Of interesting note: Two years ago, when we did IVF, the doctor only counted 9 resting follicles. That's when they thought I had an ovarian reserve issue (normal for my age is 15). A year ago, when we did our clinical trial, they counted 16 follicles. At the time, the doctor had no medical explanation for that (you are supposed to lose follicles over time). One doctor opined that maybe it was because I was eating more organic food. I had to chuckle at that. So today, to my surprise, the doctor counted 20 resting follicles. Maybe it's my gluten-free diet this time (chuckle). I think not. I think God may have something to do with it.
Doesn't matter none for this cycle, but just nice to see God work in mysterious ways.

Further update: Tennessee just called and said "everything looks great." Translation -- I'm on my period and have no chance of ovulating. Only in this small universe of FETs with EA does someone with infertility consider that "great". Start estrogen tomorrow!

Openness Agreements

Yay! We just received the "interview" reports from our adoption agency and their discussions with each donating family.

The reports are incredibly thorough and basically are their lives on paper. As I was reading Ohio's intently (and skimming a little), I felt butterflies aflutter when I scrolled to where it talked about openness. I have been *dying* to communicate via email with our donors prior to the transfer. I want to get to know these people, and I try not to think about if EA doesn't work, what that means for our "relationship." But for some reason, getting to know our donors is one of the most EXCITING things about this process. Is that weird? (probably).

In any case, when I saw that Ohio was willing to communicate directly with me via email before the transfer (like right now!), I just closed my eyes and said, "thank you, Lord," and breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. I'm already drafing my first email in my head. Ok. Yes. I am weird.

So once I got past that paragraph, I was able to relax a bit and actually go back and read Ohio's profile thoroughly. I just soaked it all in. You guys -- this was not an "accidental" match. God completely orchestrated this match. (As I knew always it would be, but seeing words on paper about our beloved Ohio couple, just confirmed it). In fact, in a strange way, it feels similar to how it was when we first met our birthmom. Just. Right. Like this is what we've waited for.

I felt the exact same way when I read Michigan's interview (although I'm less certain if Michigan wants to communicate directly right now).

I still don't know our purpose in all of this -- it may or may not be a baby. And I'm slowly getting "okay" with that. I'm trying to just have open hands in all of this. God gives, and He takes away. I'm reminded of that daily.

We also got a copy of the openness agreement, a bunch of legalese. We get to talk with our case worker in just over an hour. So more to post later!

Update: We just spoke with our case worker. Not much more to report. I'll review the openness agreement and give the written okay that we'd like to start email communication with Ohio. The caseworker is set to meet with Michigan tomorrow night, and we have another meeting with our caseworker Thursday morning. Michigan is a little more hesitant about the openness process -- don't know how much, when, etc.

This is starting to get a little more exciting. ; )

I'm ready again.

For newborn diapers. For sleeping only 3 hours at a time. For expensive formula. For that infant cry. For that smell. For all of it.

A year ago, I was not. Even a month ago, I was not. I've slowly been getting close, but I'm officially there. I want to go back there again. I'm ready.

Our precious boy is now almost 2 years old. I've loved every second of being with him (yes, even during the temper tantrums and blow out diapers). But I'm ready to give him a sibling.

I'm even ready to forego the pregnancy to just have the baby. Here. I'm ready.

Yes, we'll still go forward with EA. Yes, we will go back as many times as it takes (probably just twice) until each embaby we're adopting has been given the best chance at life.

But then, if it doesn't work (I'm hoping for the best, preparing/expecting the worst), I'm eager to get back on the adoption wait list again and wait for God to bring us our next child. (I'm, of course, praying that is His will!)

I'm sure it will be a long wait (returning families tend to have longer waits), but I'm just ready to be on the list again. Thankfully, since our homestudy is already done, it should (hopefully) be just a matter of some paperwork (and a rather large check) and then we can wait (im)patiently for our baby to arrive.

I'm ready for it all again. I want my toddler boy, and I want my next baby.

First shot.

I wasn't really nervous until just a few minutes before I had to do the first shot. Then my heart started pounding. I hate needles. But I have to do this. Tygh has already left for the morning and it's up to me.
So I get out the needle, put the medicine in, pinch some skin on my belly, and inject. The pain of the poke only lasts a second, and before I know it, the medicine is in and it's over. It happened so quickly, I actually second guessed whether I had put the right amount of medicine in the syringe.
But it's over now. The first poke has happened. We're in this. In just about a month, God willing, we'll be in Tennessee adopting our embryos. Sometimes, waves of excitement flood over me, but I just can't allow them to linger for too long. Then I just remember the phone call after our IVF, and it quickly hastens me back to reality.
Neither Tygh nor I feel confident this will work. Maybe that's just a protective mechanism. I have friends for whom IVF and EA worked, and friends for whom they did not I can just as easily be in one category as another.
Lord, thank you that the first shot was "easy". Please just continue to calm my spirit and my heart as this journey proceeds. This is all Yours. We're just following You. We trust Your purpose in all of this, for we know it is ultimately goodness.

Over it (almost).

Forewarned... more honest and raw thoughts...

I am (almost) over the desire to be pregnant. Instead of it being a huge flaming bonfire that consumes my daily thoughts, its now mostly a steady, but waning, flame.

Although this must have been coming on slowly, it didn't really hit me until last night. Yes, I would love to be pregnant, but at what cost? Before we decided to do EA, we were "trying" for so long to get pregnant. And, contrary to popular belief, that can be so un-fun. So, we're over that. I much prefer to have a "normal -not - trying" intimacy life with my husband than the timed and scheduled intimacy life that controlled and consumed so much of our time.

And now, with EA, at what cost am I pursuing my desire to become pregnant? I'm staring down the barrel of consuming myself with needles, ultrasounds, blood tests, long flights, bed rests, and abstaining from picking up my son and twirling him around above me. That last one is particularly hard to swallow. I love to pick up my son, hold him above me, and bury my face in his belly and tickle him as he laughs uncontrollably. I won't be able to do that for at least a week after I get home. That may sound like not a lot of time, and I can hear the responses in my head, "well, it may be worth it!" Is it? Really? It would only be "worth" it if I ended up pregnant. But is THAT even worth it? Again, I seem to be elevating my own desire for pregnancy over the son I already have. That doesn't sit well with me.

The only reason we pursued EA over another traditional adoption was to fulfill this desire in me to be pregnant. And now, well, honestly, I'm just slowly losing that strong desire. And I'm THANKFUL for that.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of mixed feelings about it, too. I still very much WANT to be pregnant. That desire will remain until it is fulfilled or God takes it away. But that desire is starting to take a back seat to my desire to JUST GROW MY FAMILY AND BE A MOM. I know pregnancy is not the only way to do that. And if my desire for pregnancy starts chipping away at growing my family and being a mom to my son, then I need to shelve that desire. Which, thankfully, God seems to be doing for me.

I want this EA to work. We feel led to pursue this path. Please don't mistake that. I want this EA, the first time, to result in pregnancy and allow me to experience what it's like to have a physical life grow inside of me. I do want that. If it doesn't work the first time, I think we will probably go back a second time until each of the 7 embryos we are adopting has been tried. But after that, I really think we're done. Done with it all. Buh-bye needles, buh-bye any kind of fertility treatment, buh-bye calendars and ultrasounds and blood tests and slowly depleting our bank account. Buh-bye timed intimacy, buh-bye ovulation kits, buh-bye pregnancy tests, and buh-bye painful phone calls from nurses telling us that, yet again, our monthly desire for a pregnancy has fallen short.

I'm DONE with all of that. My desire for pregnancy is not as strong as my desire to return to a "normal" life and be my husband's girlfriend, and my son's mother. We will continue to grow our family by pursuing domestic adoption. I will still long and pray to be pregnant, but that desire will no longer be allowed to roam free in my world and take up residency where other things -- like just living life -- should be.

PS -- I have a TON of mixed feelings about this entire post. But, in my raw honesty, I share them anyway.

Medication Protocol.

The meds arrived the other day. A big cardboard box on my front stoop.

I opened the box up and got a sick, sick feeling in my stomach when I saw ALL those needles and medications. All this paperwork to read. It brought me back to the IVF cycle (almost 2 years to the date). I felt physically ill. Do I REALLY want to go through this again?

If you have never done IVF (or a FET or embryo adoption), something changes in you once you poke that first needle. You become a slave to a calendar, to ultrasound appointments, to blood tests. It is not fun. For me, this time around, I'm really not looking forward to it.

Today, I received my medication protocol. I feel so overwhelmed. Here it is in a nutshell (I'm writing this mostly for my benefit as I can't see that the following is interesting to anyone):

8/17: start Lupron
8/21: stop birth control pills; continue with Lupron
8/26: ultrasound and labs
8/27-30: start Estrace; continue with Lupron
8/31-9/4: increase Estrace; continue with Lupron
9/5: stop Lupron
9/5-9/13: increase Estrace
9/13: ultrasound and labs
9/14: start progesterone (aka the "ouch" shot) 1x/day; continue Estrace
9/15-9/16: progesterone 2x/day

Then I just get confused by what goes on 9/17 and 18, but the transfer is set for the 18th.

As you can imagine, I have a call into the nurse because I'm utterly confused by a lot of this.

Lord -- I feel overwhelmed and just exhausted by looking at all of this. Please give me peace that this will all work out how You want it to. I pray that my "body home" will be in the best shape it can be to welcome these new little lives. And from there, well, it's all up to You. Do as You see fit.

Amen.

Some raw honesty.

I ordered our medicine today.

I feel neither good nor bad about that. Probably a little scared. You see, I've been down this road before -- kind of -- with IVF -- almost 2 years to the date. And it failed. I harbor no expectation that embryo adoption will work. I'm hopeful, but very very cautious and very guarded. I know that God is sovereign. I know that He already knows the outcome. I'm not afraid of my God, but I am reverently fearful of Him and His will and His perfect plan for my life. It may not be my idea of my perfect plan. But, if I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. I take this to mean that if I delight myself in my God, then my desires become His desires. I start to want what HE wants for me. Sure, I still have my fleshly desires to be pregnant and carry a child. I believe He placed those in me and, God willing, one day He will fulfill them, or take them away. I believe that.

But I'm not looking forward to this. This is my raw honesty. I'm not looking forward to the needle injections again. I'm not really looking forward to flying halfway across the country to Tennessee again (although they are a lovely bunch!). I'm not looking forward to 48 hours of bedrest. I'm not looking forward to abstaining from picking up my beautiful (but over 25 pound!) 21-month-old that I love so dearly (not allowed to pick him up for 2 weeks). And I'm really not looking forward to the beta test. (I will not stress myself out with a pregnancy test beforehand).

You see, I've received THAT call many many times before. Negative. Then I sob uncontrollably, yell at God, and curse at my body. So I'm a little guarded.

I don't know what my purpose is in this. I just know that we feel led on this path, but it may not be for a pregnancy. It may be to "release" these lives on hold to heaven. And although I don't like being the "martyr" for that cause, here I am. I feel I am being obedient.

We've turned down at least 2 leads for domestic adoption to continue on this path. We've put our own plans for a domestic adoption to continue on this path. We have essentially put our lives on hold to go down this path.

Do I really "want" to be doing this? Quite honestly, not really. I've been on a gluten free diet for over 4 months now to help "prep" my body (I have a gluten sensitivity). I miss bread. I want to eat a peanut butter sandwich, by golly! I've put my body through rigor to get my thyroid at the "optimal" level. And I just want to be done with it. I want to get off birth control and eat bread and have my thyroid do what it will and JUST.BE.

And yet, time after time, when I've gotten on my knees, face to the floor, and prayed that God would steer me off this path if it was not His will, He would. And He has not. If anything, He's confirmed this is what we are supposed to be doing.

Yes, this will all be hard to swallow if this does not result in a pregnancy. Very hard to swallow. But again, I just pray for peace. If I have peace, I can get through all of this and be okay with the outcome.

Lord -- I want what YOU want in this. You have a better plan than I do. You brought us our son that we love so much and if we had not struggled with infertility, we would not have been led to adopt, and we wouldn't have our son.

Some really raw honesty? I cannot imagine my life without my son. So, God, thank you for my infertility.