More than doubled!

Just got our second beta back. First number was 77. Second number was 175.2! (And actually, the tests were taken just shy of 48 hours from one another). Next step is ultrasound!

I am in shock. In disbelief. I'm shaking. I can't stop thanking Jesus for this gift. This free gift that I did nothing to deserve. I'm not worthy of this gift. It's just a free expression of His love. (Please don't take this to mean that all the other times when He didn't give this gift, or to those He has not yet given this gift, means that He DOESN'T love me/us).

I'm just speechless. And so thankful.

And you will never, ever hear me complain about any of the symptoms. Each precious symptom is a simple reminder of the miracle.

"Good News"

We are pregnant! Our beta came back at 77. I finally took a HPT and it was positive!

The sweet, sweet God story behind this is that last night, I got on my knees as I usually do and just prayed and cried out. And then I listened for God to speak. He did, and He said the same thing I've heard from Him before -- "Trust Me."

Except, last night, I heard something else. It was just a still, small voice that said also, "You will get good news tomorrow." And then it just vanished. I believed it to be God, but was still in shock.

And on my way to meet my husband today so we could listen to the voice mail from Nurse Mary together, I was shaking with nerves. Crying. And Jesus and I had a conversation. It went something like this:

Me: Jesus, was that you last night when you said that?
Jesus: Yes. You will get good news today.
Me: Because You know I'm going to question everything I think I've ever heard from you if it's not good news.
Jesus: I know that.
Me: Are you really here, Jesus? Talking to me?
Jesus: Yes.

And then, the first thing out of Nurse Mary's sweet Tennessean mouth on my voice mail, "Britney, it's good news."

*******************************

Of course, we all know this is very early and we're not out of the woods yet. However, I'm going to pray, choosing to believe, with great faith and expectation, that this is a viable pregnancy and we will be blessed with a child. However, I also believe this pregnancy will try my faith like no other, and I'm going to be asked to trust Him to the bitter end.

Thank you, Jesus!

I am afraid.

I am afraid. I am afraid for the phone call that will come Tuesday afternoon. I am afraid the news will not be good.

God knew this. And He told me to come to church today. Because our pastor was going to talk about f.e.a.r.

The message today was about when Jesus went into the Garden of Gethsemene shortly before His death. He knew He was going to die. And it was going to be a very painful death on the cross. He was terrified. Horrified. Scared out of His mind.

And what did He do? He prayed. He cried out in inutterable words the feelings of His heart. And He asked God to spare Him the pain. He begged God to "take the cup" from Him so He wouldn't have to go through all the agony.

But, then, He did something remarkable. In the midst of those cries, He surrendered to God's will. He BEGGED His father to not have Him go through an agonizing death on the cross, but then, immediately after, He said that if it was God's will for Him to do so, He wanted that more. He wanted what God wanted more than to be spared the pain. (And can you imagine where we'd all be if God had shown mercy to Jesus at that point and spared Him the cross? Yikes).

So, here I am, not nearly in the same level of fear, but I am afraid.

We are going through a series now called "the Jesus experiment", where we are challenged to live like Christ. So, in my fear, I'm surrendering (yes, again). I'm asking (begging, really) that God spare us the pain of another "failure".

However, in the next breath, I'm asking that His will be done. I know it's a better plan, from a better perspective, than my own.

Facebook posting from second donor.

I have tears in my eyes. I am in awe at the goodness of our God.

I (ashamedly) admit that I voyeur our second donor's Facebook profile (have not friend requested). But her profile allows you to see her wall postings. This is the donor from Michigan whose embryos were not thawed this time because our "first" donors' thawed and were transferred.

Anyway, I just saw her Facebook posting and am moved to tears:

"The couple who adopted our embryos did their first transfer over the weekend. The first donors thawed good so they used theirs first (they will use ours next time, hopefully in a couple of years). Please everyone pray for this family that they are pregnant. They are the nicest, sweetest family."


And.. bonus... 7 people "liked" it and 3 said they are praying for us!

Wow. I'm so humbled.

If it's negative.

If the beta is negative, it will not be my fault.

I know you all are going "duh!", but for me, this is an important truth I need to understand. You see, I am a master at self-preservation and have had this mountain of a wall around me to protect my heart from another phone call saying, to me, that I failed. Again.

This is an area I'm really trying to work on in my life. And I believe God has used our infertility struggle to help me change this attitude.

So, if it is negative, all it means is that God said "no" or "not yet", and He allowed this pregnancy to not be viable. I will still believe that He directed us on this path, but I may not understand the purpose. Maybe not even on this side of heaven. If it is negative, I didn't do anything wrong. God is bigger than my failing body, so if He wanted it, it could have happened. That it didn't, I can't control.

If it is negative, I will continue to praise Him. It will definitely be a choice, not necessarily driven by feeling. It will be a step of obedience taken without the assurance of a changed circumstance or the elimination of a trial. It will be praise focused on God, not the circumstance, and I will fix my gaze upon God's truth and His character instead of the trial at hand.

THE OUTCOME IS NEITHER MY RESPONSIBILITY NOR MY GOAL.

Praise begins and ends with faith in the very nature, personality, and integrity of God. And that never changes.

No matter what lies ahead, God is faithful.

At this point, these embryos are either with Jesus, or God willing, we will be able to introduce them to Him. I can't be too upset about either one of those.

And from a practical standpoint, we still have 4 embryos we have adopted who have donors that are counting on us.

So, unless God directs us otherwise, we will return to Tenn in November.

** On a side note, I plan on taking the the blood test Tuesday, and working from home the rest of the day. I will not answer any phone call from Tenn until Tygh is with me. And, if it's negative, I will be sad. I will cry. It will hurt. And I plan on arming myself with a one-pager of uplifting statements and verses to ward off the lies that will otherwise be piling up in my head. If any of you have some positive, inspirational sayings or verses you'd like to share (and that you'd want to hear in my position), please pass them on.

An email from our donor.

This evening, I received the most amazing email from our first donor, whom I had emailed earlier to tell her the results.

This is an excerpt from her email. I am so truly humbled and honored to have been a part of this process.

"When I received this email I was with my daughter walking into Saturday Mass. I had such a sense of overwhelming peace when I read it just outside the church. It feels like our (and I'm including both of you in the "our") babies have found their home. This feels like it was written in God's plans and it is so very right. I spent the mass praying and thanking God for the two babies, asking that they find their new home with their mommy a safe and healthy place to develop into full term babies. You both have been an answer to our prayers."

Wow. Just wow.

PUPO with twins!

Let's start with the positive news -- Tygh and I are officially PUPO with twins! This is not necessarily unfamiliar territory because we have been PUPO with twins before (IVF). But these twins we have adopted.

Now for the news to get to that positive news.

I was initially bummed that our appointment was at 1:30 today. However, that ended up being a tremendous blessing in disguise. Last night, I was privileged to have dinner with a fellow EA mom who had her transfer on Thursday -- also PUPO with twins. She and her husband introduced us to Calhoun's -- The Best of Tennessee restaurant. Barbeque you could die for! It was an awesome evening of fellowship. They prayed for us twice, and once with Tygh putting his hand on my belly. Prayed that God had created the optimum level in my womb to receive these embryos, and that they would snuggle in and continue to grow. I feel so blessed to have connected with her -- Thank you Krisa!

When we got back to the hotel, Tygh and I were both beat. But apparently not beat enough to cause a restful sleep. I was up every 2 hours going pee (sensitive bladder, especially when I'm anxious/excited/nervous), and Tygh was just restless all night too. So we did get a chance to at least be restless together until about 10 am this morning.

Then I took some of my meds I'm supposed to take -- one of them a heavy duty antibiotic. That I took on an empty stomach. Bad. Bad. Bad idea. (TMI warning) -- I puked in the toilet. Just a few hours before the transfer.

Then we got to the clinic and, during our mock trial in June, I had overfilled my bladder and it was MISERABLE. So this time, I tried to pace myself. I have a history of UT infections, so I have an especially sensitive bladder. However, I was apparently not full enough and so they had to put a catheter in me and fill me up to the brim. They they squirted ALCOHOL inside of me. Can you talk about major major major burning? I went through 4 nurse hands because I was squeezing so hard and crying. So painful. They kept telling me to just relax. And one of the nurses, bless her heart, tried to "take me to the beach" in my mind. My beach was not warm and sandy. It was rainy and rocky. Not good at mental visuals when I'm in pain.

Then they transferred the 2 embryos. They had thawed three, but one didn't survive. The 2 are from our "first" donor, from Ohio. The embryologist graded them 3AA and 4AB, and they were expanding blasts. I don't pretend to know all of what that means, except I think the best of the best is a grade of 6AA with hatching blasts. But God is in control.

Then I rested in the recovery room and had a bedpan for the whole time. Such a relief! And I got to meet Ashley -- another blogger. What a treat. And then I connected with a girl in the "curtain" over from me. It was so neat to be able to trade stories while we're both flat on our back, curtains in between us so we can't even see each other, and bedpans under our bums. Good times.

So, just learned that our blood test is the 28th. If it is positive, we go back the 30th.

I can say I am not confident this is going to result in a pregnancy. But I have peace. I feel good, calm, rested. This has definitely been a worthwhile journey, regardless of the result.

And, if it doesn't work this month, we have 4 more embryos we have adopted from Michigan, so we will return in November to transfer those. If that doesn't work, we plan to seek God's will and listen to His leading, but expect to be back on the domestic list early next year.

Ps. 139 14-18
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
and my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

Appointment set!

I just learned that our appointment will be at 1:30 p.m. on Saturday. It's later than I thought it would be, but I'm told the time is set.

I'm trying to see this change in the positive light. Maybe Tygh and I can go for a walk in lovely Knoxville in the morning!

Update #2.

I just spoke with NEDC. I feel much better.

They said that the doctor said that we just adjusted my medication 2 weeks ago and it's really too soon to re-test it. It normally takes 4-6 weeks for a medication adjustment to take place when it comes to thyroid medicine. So even though I'm still over corrected (and even a little worse than before), he didn't seem concerned.

Transfer is not cancelled.

She assured me that it is better to be over corrected than under corrected. She also said that there does not appear to be a link between frozen embryo transfer success rate when it comes to hyperthyroidism. She said they will re-check me after the transfer.

And finally, she said that the Doctor would NOT do this transfer if he felt at all uncomfortable with it or that it would affect my chances at pregnancy. He wouldn't do that for me, but most importantly, he wouldn't do that for these embryos. And knowing what I know about him, I believe that.

She chided me (rightfully so) for getting on the internet and snooping. She said she highly advises against that when it gets to this close to a transfer.

I just need to relax. (In my defense, hyperthyroidism does increase your natural levels of anxiety, heart palpitations, insomnia, etc.). So I recognize I may be a little coo-coo for cocoa puffs right now.

Bear with me. I am getting a massage the night before we leave.

Update.

We had our progesterone shot this morning and, praise God, it went off without a hitch. I had put on this numbing creme and I literally did not feel a thing. We also ended up using a smaller gauge needle, which may have helped.

But because of the timing of when I need to do my am shots, Tygh will not be able to do them. So my co-worker/friend has graciously offered to do the am ones for me. Tomorrow, I'll be lying on the floor of my office, door shut, with my dear friend angling a needle at my bum. Sounds lovely.

And my thyroid. Boy oh boy. I still don't know what is going on. Tennessee is doing transfers today, so I may not hear back until later. I got on the internet (bad bad bad) and saw all these things about hyperthyroidism and infertility and miscarriage.

My spirits are pretty low right now. I've never had any confidence this will work (my protective mechanism), and now it seems pretty near impossible. (I recognize I may be a bit overdramatic right now, but it's been a rough morning).

My dear friend gave me this verse today and I'm clinging to it. I'll update when I hear from the doctor.

Hebrews 13:5: "For God Himself has said I will not in any way fail you, nor give you up, nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless, nor foresake you, nor let you down, or relax my hold on you. Assuredly not!"

Thyroid.

Ack. I had my thyroid tested again yesterday and I'm still overcorrected -- in fact, even worse than I was two weeks ago.
I'm just at a loss. I've notified the doctor but I'm just feeling very defeated in this area.

Blood draw and ultrasound.

I had my ultrasound and estradiol blood test today. I know they had wanted to see a uterine lining of 8. When the doctor did the first measurement, it was 7.5. I panicked. Then he did it from a different angle, and it was 8.5. I sighed. A little.
Then I silently freaked out. I've been hearing of other ladies whose linings are like 11, 13, etc. I was feeling inferior, if I must be honest.
And then Dr. Keenan called. Dr. Keenan never calls. Why isn't his nurse calling? I panicked again. He was going to tell me my lining was not thick enough and my estradiol was too low and we have to cancel this month's transfer.

He did not.

He said the lining was good, even though I expressed my doubt. He laughed and told me to not be jealous. (Ha ha). He gave me the rest of my protocol -- I go down to taking estradiol 2/day starting tomorrow. We also start the progesterone shots in the morning.

I'm scared to death of these shots. Not the actual shot itself, but my dear husband who will be administering them. He's terrified of needles and I'm afraid he's not going to be able to do it.

We are supposed to meet with our clinic here tomorrow to have them walk us through it.

Dear God, this is my big prayer request now -- please please let Tygh be able to do these shots and they go off perfectly. Amen.

Birthfamily visit #2

Yesterday was a very special day. Our son got to see his birthfather for the first time since he was born.

Last year, we met at the zoo with Chris's (birthfather) mom, aunt, and grandma. But Chris didn't come.

This year, we were thrilled to learn that not only did Chris want to come, but so did about 9 other family members.

When we arrived at the zoo, Chris was standing in the corner, hands in pocket. You could tell he didn't quite know how to act. Tygh was amazing. He went right up to him, shook his hand, and said "Hey, man, it's been a while. How are you?"

Chris beamed.

Then I took Brae over to Chris. You see, for the last couple of weeks, each night before going to bed, Brae and I would look at a picture of Chris from the hospital the day Brae was born. We'd say "Hi, Chris. We'll see you at the zoo." Then we'd say "Night-night, Chris."

So when I took Brae to meet Chris standing in the corner, I said, "Brae, this is Chris. Remember we said we'd see him at the zoo?" Lightbulb went off.

Brae smiled and said, "Night-night, Chris."

The visit was great. We didn't have our caseworker there, so I was worried we'd struggle for conversation or ice breakers. That was not the case. It was definitely a little awkward at first (how can it not be?), but we all eased into eachother. For the love of a little boy.

Chris's mom and grandma pulled me aside at separate times throughout the visit and just expressed how grateful they were to us. How they were so glad that we were Brae's parents. They were thankful that Chris chose to come. They thought it would be good for him. To see how happy Brae is, and how he is thriving.

Chris's mom gave me some pictures of Chris when he was Brae's age. For the first time, I could not only see the resemblance between the two of them, but was astonished at their physical likeness when they were that age. It startled me because I'd always thought Brae looked like Rachael. I still think he looks more like her, but it was neat to see the physical features compared with Chris.

There were a few sort of, gulp, hold my breath times. I encouraged Chris to push Brae in the stroller, to carry him, and to put him on his shoulders. Chris did, and although it didn't come quite naturally, he eased into it. Tygh would even give him some pointers on how to hold Brae on his shoulders. But, inevitably, after a while, Brae would wiggle out of Chris's arms and reach out and call "Daddy!" to Tygh.

I knew those moments were going to happen, and in my mind, I had half-heartedly hoped they would. But instantly, when it actually did, I regretted thinking that I ever wanted to see that. It was uncomfortable. I didn't want it to hurt Chris. Yes, Tygh is Brae's Daddy. But here is a young man (barely 21) who stepped out and made a bold move by driving 3 hours to see his biological son. I didn't want to see him hurt.

So, when it happened, Tygh and I immediately stepped up to "re-direct" Brae. "Look, Brae! A tiger! Grrr." That helped. You could see the look of relief pass across Chris. A feeling of -- what was it, exactly? Being spared public rejection by his biological son in favor of his father who adopted him? Perhaps.

In all, the visit was great. We took pictures and we all swooned over Brae. It was neat to see all the love surrounding this little boy. What made me most glad was that each one of them got to see some of the things I love most about my son. Like when he throws his head back and does his signature laugh. Or when he clenches all the muscles in his body to show you how strong he is. Or when he jumps. Or spins. Or dances. How he just wants to make other people laugh. They got to see all of that.

As we said our goodbyes and Brae gave everyone hugs (yes, he reached out to give each one of them a hug), and piled Brae back in the car along with all his birthday presents they brought for him, a strange sensation overwhelmed me. For the last year, we've been on this embryo adoption path. For the last several weeks, I've pondered how much "easier" things would be if we were just back on the domestic adoption list. At least I know a baby would come to us that way. Eventually.

But, as we drove away and I saw in the rear view mirror Brae's biological family waving to us, I thought, "Do I really want to go through all of that again? Do I really want to be on the list, waiting, again. Yes, we had an amazing adoption experience, but I know that won't be possible the next time around. Do I want to be wondering if a birthmom will change her mind? Do I want to get entwined with another biological family again?"

And the answer is, "no, but I want another child, a sibling for Brae, and if that is God's plan, then He'll pull me through it."

So here I sit, on a Sunday evening, on the cusp of going to Tennessee in the hopes of bringing home a sibling for Brae. I hope that is God's plan and will. But if not, He'll pull me through it.

Inspiration.

In 10 days, we will be in Tennessee.

I am putting together an "inspiration" list of some of my favorite Bible verses and inspirational sayings friends have given to me over the years.

Some favorites:

"Trust in God's word and power more than you trust your own feelings and experiences."

"May we fear attempting to remove ourselves from the hands of our heavenly Guide, or missing even one lesson of His loving discipline due to our discouragement and doubt."

"The greatest challenge in receiving great things from the Lord is holding on for the last half hour."

... and then, the motherlode:

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

What this means (to me)...

1. A heart's legitimate desire necessitates a wait. It endures the test of time. A sustained longing is not changed by mood or hormonal levels or circumstance. It is strengthened by time. Things of great esteem and value take time.

2. God will trump the desires of our heart if it affects our destiny. God will never say "no" flippantly or without a reason. If you have desired something and seasons have changed without fruition of that desire, look for what is present and not what is absent. The very thing that we lack or desire will be used by God to bring us to our destiny. Everything you seem to desire gets your focus on what you lack, but God does not turn a deaf ear to you. God hears your longings, and God is still good!

3. There is a place in our relationship with God where we will know the greatest delight and you will come to a place where you will be someone that you never thought you could be. Delight in God is a demonstration of our faith and a natural outpouring of our great love for Him. Delight is like laughing, when you pitch your head back and laugh with great joy. We were created to delight in our Father.

4. Nothing is passive about patiently waiting for desire to turn into delight. "Be still before the Lord." Psalms 37:7. To be still means to stop. Hold your peace. Be silent. Just listen.

5. God did not come into your life to be your priority. He came to be your life! He is not just the most important thing in your life. He is your life.

In sum, this Psalm of David means that if you delight in the Lord, He becomes your greatest desire -- you want only to know more of Him -- and that is the satisfaction of your heart's greatest desire.

Amen, sista!

It is September.

This is the month for which we have been waiting for nearly a year now.

This is the month that we will adopt our embryos.

This is the month that I may be PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). This is also the month my heart could be broken (again).

Plane ticket. Check.

Hotel reservation. Check.

Car rental. Check.

Babysitter/dogsitter. Check. (Thanks, Mom).

Adoption agreements are signed and notarized, and about to be put in the mail.

Lord, Your will be done. My hands are open. You give, and You take a way. And still, I will choose to say, blessed be Your name. I've surrendered. I'm vulnerable. I want this to work. I really, really do. My great prayer request is that each of Ohio's embryos are thawed and survive, and that the transfer results in a pregnancy and a live birth. I want this.

I see a hazy fog ahead. And I'm about to walk into it.

Update.

I heard back from Tenn and the (very sweet) nurse emphasized that it was "ok", that we can correct it. Love the optimism!
So looks like I'm going to alter between a higher and lower dosage every other day. I'm going to take my 125 mcg tomorrow, and my 150 mcg the next day, so on and so on.
I think it will take at least a couple weeks to see the results of this new regime, but I hope to have at least one more test before the transfer.

On another note, I heard back from Michigan! What a sweet, sweet gal. She even sent pictures! And Ohio just released her email address, so I sent my "get to know you" email to her.

Funny thing -- they both have daughters with the same name. Yet, the daughters are about 7 years apart (interesting with name trends and all).

Strangely beautiful.

I cheated.

On Friday, I broke down and went to the doctor for a thyroid test (my "official" 6 week test will be Sept 7). I'd been feeling very tired lately and feared that my thyroid had raised the white flag and given up on working with me.
Today, I got the results.
Not what I expected. My level is now .17 and I've swung the other way and now am hypERthyroid (vs. hypothyroid). So, I'm overcorrected. My primary doc said to cut back the dosage, but I don't know what that means, in practical terms. I suppose it means that I'm not taking my dosage tomorrow.
For those of you new to the wonderful world of that butterfly gland in your throat that controls EVERYthing in your body, hyperthyroidism means my body is producing too much of the thyroid gland. In pregnancy, it is very dangerous as it can often result in miscarriage. So, as you can imagine, it's critical that my thyroid be at the right place prior to the transfer on September 18. The "right" place is between 1-2. So, we're definitely a lot closer than we were in June when my level was at 13, but it's still not quite right.
I have an email into our nurse at NEDC to see what they say.
As an echo to the prayer from my new friend Krisa, I just pray that Dr. K has wisdom to know what to do, and that ultimately, God as the all-powerful physician, will perform a no small feat in my body and get this gland to *finally* cooperate so that at transfer time, I can be in the "best" shape I can be.

Update.

We just heard from our caseworker that Michigan is open to a more "open" arrangement than they originally thought! Yay! We talk to our caseworker in less than an hour and we'll know more. I'm also waiting for the email address of Ohio so I can send my first official hola letter to them and hopefully build a baby step (pun intended) relationship.
I also have my first ultrasound and labs today.
More to report later!

Update: I sent my first email off to Michigan! We'll see how that goes... ; ) Waiting for Ohio's address so I can email them! We've also "approved" each openness agreement. Now we wait to see if the donors agree, and then we get them notarized, and we've officially "adopted" our embryos.
I had my first ultrasound and blood test today. It's just a baseline to make sure my uterine home is clean before they start adding all the baby-proofing stuff.
Of interesting note: Two years ago, when we did IVF, the doctor only counted 9 resting follicles. That's when they thought I had an ovarian reserve issue (normal for my age is 15). A year ago, when we did our clinical trial, they counted 16 follicles. At the time, the doctor had no medical explanation for that (you are supposed to lose follicles over time). One doctor opined that maybe it was because I was eating more organic food. I had to chuckle at that. So today, to my surprise, the doctor counted 20 resting follicles. Maybe it's my gluten-free diet this time (chuckle). I think not. I think God may have something to do with it.
Doesn't matter none for this cycle, but just nice to see God work in mysterious ways.

Further update: Tennessee just called and said "everything looks great." Translation -- I'm on my period and have no chance of ovulating. Only in this small universe of FETs with EA does someone with infertility consider that "great". Start estrogen tomorrow!

Openness Agreements

Yay! We just received the "interview" reports from our adoption agency and their discussions with each donating family.

The reports are incredibly thorough and basically are their lives on paper. As I was reading Ohio's intently (and skimming a little), I felt butterflies aflutter when I scrolled to where it talked about openness. I have been *dying* to communicate via email with our donors prior to the transfer. I want to get to know these people, and I try not to think about if EA doesn't work, what that means for our "relationship." But for some reason, getting to know our donors is one of the most EXCITING things about this process. Is that weird? (probably).

In any case, when I saw that Ohio was willing to communicate directly with me via email before the transfer (like right now!), I just closed my eyes and said, "thank you, Lord," and breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. I'm already drafing my first email in my head. Ok. Yes. I am weird.

So once I got past that paragraph, I was able to relax a bit and actually go back and read Ohio's profile thoroughly. I just soaked it all in. You guys -- this was not an "accidental" match. God completely orchestrated this match. (As I knew always it would be, but seeing words on paper about our beloved Ohio couple, just confirmed it). In fact, in a strange way, it feels similar to how it was when we first met our birthmom. Just. Right. Like this is what we've waited for.

I felt the exact same way when I read Michigan's interview (although I'm less certain if Michigan wants to communicate directly right now).

I still don't know our purpose in all of this -- it may or may not be a baby. And I'm slowly getting "okay" with that. I'm trying to just have open hands in all of this. God gives, and He takes away. I'm reminded of that daily.

We also got a copy of the openness agreement, a bunch of legalese. We get to talk with our case worker in just over an hour. So more to post later!

Update: We just spoke with our case worker. Not much more to report. I'll review the openness agreement and give the written okay that we'd like to start email communication with Ohio. The caseworker is set to meet with Michigan tomorrow night, and we have another meeting with our caseworker Thursday morning. Michigan is a little more hesitant about the openness process -- don't know how much, when, etc.

This is starting to get a little more exciting. ; )

I'm ready again.

For newborn diapers. For sleeping only 3 hours at a time. For expensive formula. For that infant cry. For that smell. For all of it.

A year ago, I was not. Even a month ago, I was not. I've slowly been getting close, but I'm officially there. I want to go back there again. I'm ready.

Our precious boy is now almost 2 years old. I've loved every second of being with him (yes, even during the temper tantrums and blow out diapers). But I'm ready to give him a sibling.

I'm even ready to forego the pregnancy to just have the baby. Here. I'm ready.

Yes, we'll still go forward with EA. Yes, we will go back as many times as it takes (probably just twice) until each embaby we're adopting has been given the best chance at life.

But then, if it doesn't work (I'm hoping for the best, preparing/expecting the worst), I'm eager to get back on the adoption wait list again and wait for God to bring us our next child. (I'm, of course, praying that is His will!)

I'm sure it will be a long wait (returning families tend to have longer waits), but I'm just ready to be on the list again. Thankfully, since our homestudy is already done, it should (hopefully) be just a matter of some paperwork (and a rather large check) and then we can wait (im)patiently for our baby to arrive.

I'm ready for it all again. I want my toddler boy, and I want my next baby.